Total Weight Loss

Monday, October 29, 2012

Monday Mileage, Measurements and Meltdown

As of today, I have 771 miles towards the 1000 mile challenge for the year.  I think by the end of the year I'll have well over 900 but maybe not 1000.  I'll keep the challenge going for myself until I hit 1000, maybe in January.  None of my colleagues appear to be on track to get the full 1000 in either.  I'm taking some comfort in that.  I know that we all gave it our best shot.  We knew from the beginning that it would be tough.  That's why it was a challenge.

Yesterday marked the end of the first four weeks of P90X.  I have lost  2 pounds and 2.25 inches.  I'm disappointed to say the least.  It started out well.  After 10 days I had lost 5 pounds.  Then on day 11, I had a bit of an uptick.  I knew the initial rate of loss was not sustainable, so I didn't get concerned about a small change.  What I did not anticipate was the continued yo-yoing and then the sudden two pound gain over the weekend.  That continues to be distressing to me.  I'm doing my best to hang in there and keep doing what I know to be right but to be honest it is just plain hard.

As I was getting dressed for church yesterday, I got out a top I hadn't worn in quite some time.  We're having a bit of a cold snap so I got something more suitable for the cooler temps. When I put it on, it was snug.  That was just the last straw for me.  Even though it wasn't really too little, it had not been that tight on me last time I wore it.  I jerked the top off and flung it on the chair, and burst into tears.  I'm talking making noise sobbing.

Of course 65MD was in the room and did his best to console me.  Somehow that made the whole thing worse.  I was furious with myself for allowing such a horrible regain and then embarrassed by my temper tantrum.  This was a fit that any three year old would have envied.  Then there was 65MD, all calm and steady telling me that everything was OK, telling me that it didn't matter if that blouse was tight, telling me that no one cared what the number on the scales said.  It didn't matter to me then.  All that mattered was that I had no control over my body.

I controlled everything I could.  I controlled the eating and the exercise, but I could not control how my body responded.  I could not control the scale or the tape measure and that just made me mad.  That ire gushed out of me in a horrid rush.

I'm still not happy about how my body is responding, but I'm over (for now) the fury.  I feel drained and empty now.  But, I stayed in charge of my eating yesterday, even at our Fall Fest surrounded by candy, cotton candy, popcorn, hot dogs, etc.  I am continuing to forge ahead eating and exercising.  Once day, eventually, I'll have better news to report.

Here is the only shot where I can see any difference at all.

I could be fooling myself but the top picture is 'before' and it seems like my belly isn't quite as big in the one below.  I welcome any comments, just don't be mean.  My fragile esteem can't take that right now.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Fabulous Day!

Yesterday was a fabulous healthy living day.  Really, if there were a text book for a healthy life, my day yesterday should be a chapter.  It was great.  I started out with Cardio X from P90X.  I got a good sweat going and rocked the workout for the full time, nearly an hour.  I got in all of my water, which wasn't hard with that workout.  And eating was spot on.  There was no room for improvement.  Yesterday was great and I felt it.  I felt strong and healthy.  I went about my day knowing that I owned this, knowing deep inside I had finally found my niche.  Knowing on a cellular level that this was it; this was the way my life was going to be going forward and it was a good thing.

Imagine then my surprise this morning when the scales were up 2.2 lbs!  My whole loss from October 1 was virtually erased in on fell swoop.  I'm stunned.  I really, really don't know what to make of it.  I had finally reconciled myself to slow, slow losses, knowing in my heart that this was the right thing for me.  Now what?  If I'd eaten a pan of brownies yesterday, I would not have eaten 7700 calories, not to mention those I burned with P90X.

I can't even imagine what would be causing me to hold that much fluid.  I didn't eat anything salty.  I'm not a fan of salt anyway.  (Sugar is my nemesis.)  The only thing that makes any sense at all is that I'm retaining water for some odd reason.  What?  What?  What is going on in my body?  What do I need to do about it?  Right now nothing.

I'm still going about my day like the gain hadn't happened.  Still following the workout (belly dance today!) and fat shredder plan along with the water.  I'm still bummed.  Monday is my day to report the stats for the first phase of P90X.  I'd be humiliated to report a gain, especially when there have been no brownies involved at all!!!  The beachbody people might call and tell me to stop doing their program.  They won't want the bad press.  I can't say I'd blame them. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Food, Glorious Food

Before I began my weight loss journey, I was a huge fan of food.  I loved reading cookbooks and tweaking recipes to suit my tastes.  I loved inviting people over to enjoy the rich, hearty food I prepared.  I was a very good cook and accomplished baker.  My nephews would tell me well before their birthdays exactly what sort of cake they wanted and how it was to be decorated.  I happily complied.

When I started this particular leg of the journey three years ago, I gave that up almost completely.  The only 'cooking' I did was to make the food required on my current eating plan.  They joy the kitchen once held was gone.  I grieved for this loss.  It was a huge part of my life and I had a void there like any loss.

In time, I began to view food as either good or bad.  It was 'good' if it was on my current eating plan and 'bad' if it was not.  My view of food got very skewed and even though I realized it, I really didn't know what to do about it.  I forged ahead eating the foods I knew to be 'good' on most plans, like protein and vegetables with a little fruit thrown in for balance.  Fruit became virtually my only carb.  Potatoes, pasta, bread and the like made only the rarest appearances in my diet.  I wasn't a very happy eater.

My weight loss stalled and fluctuated over and over.  Over and over, I'd try to fix the food.  I would tweak, eliminate or add back this food or that looking for the right combination that worked for me.  Not much did for the long haul.

Then I started P90X and the fat shredder nutrition plan that accompanies the workouts.  It is a balanced approach.  All food groups are allowed, but some more than others.  For instance, I get one fruit serving per day and 5 protein servings per day.  It seemed quite sane and I slipped rather easily in to the plan. 

Something quite amazing is beginning to happen.  I am once again looking through recipes but my favorite ingredients are different.  I'm looking for ways to tweak recipes but with a different mindset now.  I'm looking for healthy food that is tasty to me.  I'm finding it and having a blast.  I had no idea that fresh vegetables and fruit could taste so good!

Several days ago, I decided to have an orange for a snack.  It was a lovely fall day, so I took my orange outside to enjoy on the front porch as I read a book.  I took one bite of the orange and was stunned.  I do not possess the writing skills to explain just how delicious that orange was.  It was sweet and bursting with flavor.  All thoughts of the book were gone as I ate the orange, slowly and deliberately.

I actually stopped mid-chew to savor all of the taste sensations occurring.  It was unreal.  Heretofore, whenever I'd put something in my mouth that tasted that good, I'd start cramming it in as fast as possible.  This time I chewed very slowly feeling the bursts of flavor as my teeth ruptured the membrane.  I felt the sweet juice on my tongue and slowly, slowly swallowed and felt the nourishment go down in to my belly.  It was an experience in eating.  I almost came inside and wrote a post called "Ode to the Orange" because I was that awed.  Obviously, I didn't.

A few days later, I prepared a salad for lunch.  It was an ordinary salad with a mixture of various lettuce types, and a little cottage cheese for dairy.  I don't often do dressings, and discovered some time ago that cottage cheese works much better for me.  When I took the first bite, I was once again bowled over by the fabulous taste sensations.  It was delicious.  I can't believe I actually considered a salad delicious, but I did.

It was then that I realized, this:  When I am hungry and using food as fuel for my body, my body likes it.  My body responds by enjoying it.  I noticed that as my stomach got full, the salad wasn't quite so delectable.  My body was sated and my taste buds were responding. 

I think this is a real key for me.  I am trying to pay attention to how good my food is.  When it is quite tasty, I know it is good fuel for my high performance machine.  As it declines in tastiness, I know that my tank is getting full.  This is still a work in progress for me.  Not every meal is a great big YUM each time, but they are more and more.  I don't always stop when the yum factor is gone, but I'm getting better.  I think I will only improve from here.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Monday Mileage

I have 750 miles under my belt!  Only 250 more to go.  It will be a stretch to get that many more miles in before December 31.  I'm still giving it my best.

I'm still hanging in there with the P90X/Belly Dance combo.  I'm disappointed to report another week with no loss.  I'm definitely disappointed but not yet discouraged.  I can't help but believe this is the right thing for me to do.  The workouts are challenging and the eating is sane and sensible.  All the aspects are quite doable for me in my life right now. Eventually, my body will have to build up enough muscle that the pounds will start melting off.  It is no fun work my tail off and not see the results for which I was hoping. 

It is further insulting that 65MD has decided to trim off those few extra pounds and lost three pounds in three days!  I've cautioned him that this is not sustainable, and that the loss will taper off.  I'm saying that as much to me as to him!  All he's doing is counting calories in a very general way.  He'll eat something and say it is about 200 calories and move on.  He has no graphs, spreadsheets, charts or even a real calorie count! I am glad for him, but jealous too.

This is week four of the first phase.  Next Monday I will report the total loss I've had since October 1 in both total pounds and inches.  I can only hope to catch up with 65MD!!!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Anonymous Comments

I'm interrupting my weight loss blog to ask "What is up with these anonymous comments?"  Is any body else getting these?  They are 'comments' that are poorly written grammatically speaking, leading me to believe the author is not a native English speaker.  But, they really aren't comments at all but advertisements for other blogs, most of which I have no use for since I am a girl!  I'm getting anywhere from 3 to 6 of these a day!  The spam filter gets them so that they aren't published, but several of them make it to my email anyway for moderation.  I don't quite know how that works.  It is really OK, I just delete them.

I love comments.  I love the encouragement I get from my fellow bloggers.  I'm amazed sometimes how someone who doesn't know my IRL can know me better than I know myself.  Plenty of times, I've gotten comments from a reader and I've been shocked about what that person read in to my post.  issues were apparent to them but I hadn't seen it for myself.  I'm grateful for all the comments I get and especially grateful for those.

I try to pass along that same encouragement to my fellow bloggers.  I'm happy to plug a fellow traveler's blog.  I enjoy getting a shout out on another blog.  It is all part of it for me.  As difficult as this weight loss journey is, we all need a bright spot and blogging is one of mine.

Thanks to all my real commenters.  You ROCK!  For the others, I'm happy to keep on using that delete button.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Belly Dance Day!

Today the P90X schedule said to do yoga, but thanks to my friend Timothy, I did a belly dance DVD instead.

Words like 'graceful' and 'lithe' have never been used to describe me.  Words more like 'klutz' are much more appropriate.  I've told the story before on this blog about how my mother took me to the doctor when I was little thinking I must have inner ear trouble because I was so clumsy.  So, I entered in to the belly dance workout with no delusions of being able to do the moves.  I was right.  I think rather than being a self fulfilling prophecy, it was a realistic acknowledgement of my abilities.  I have never moved my body some of those ways, at least not on purpose.

I was pleasantly surprised by the video.  She was good at breaking down the moves in a slow step by step way and then speeding them up.  I could just about get the moves in the slow methodical way but no way was I doing it a full speed.  That was totally fine with me.  As I said, my body had not moved in those ways before, so it will take some practice to feel natural and then get it right. 

The one thing I could do, was shimmy.  I was a shimmying machine!  I can and will use that success to learn the other moves in time.  My intention was to use this DVD in the place of yoga each week, but I'm already thinking of incorporating it more often.

I was very surprised as to how quickly the time went.  The workout was peaceful and I actually enjoyed it.  Who is this woman living inside me that voluntarily exercises 6 days per week for an hour and then uses words like 'enjoy' to describe it?  I don't know, but I hope she sticks around for a while.  I like her!

The only thing I would change about the DVD is some of the camera angles.  I was a little disappointed sometimes because as she would be explaining a certain movement, the camera would be on her face rather than that part of her body. So, I couldn't actually see the movement.  I'm sure once I get more familiar with the workout that won't really matter.  It just made things a little more difficult for me initially.

The belly dance is here to stay.  Thanks Timothy!!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Expectations and Discouragement

Discouragement is still trying to creep in to my mind.  I am trying to battle it back as best I can.  I know what is going on.  I know why discouragement is crouching at the door.  It is me.  It is my expectations. 

I really, really felt like at the beginning of P90X, just 2 1/2  short weeks ago, that I had reasonable expectations.  They aren't being met and now I'm losing enthusiasm for the hour long workouts.

I see improvement with my abilities to perform the workout and that is great, but it is also very nebulous and difficult to measure.  I fear that I will become complacent about 'showing improvement' rather than making real progress.  Whatever that is.

There are two concrete ways to show success in my estimation, the scales and the measuring tape.  I weigh every day.  It is a form of control that I need.  Generally, the number does little to make me feel like a good person or a bad person.  It helps me spot trends and make corrections before getting to far afield.

Sadly, the scales are not giving me the results I expected.  In nearly three weeks I have lost a whooping 3 pounds and that was the first week.  I knew that the first week I'd have a large loss and it would taper off as time progressed.  I did not expect it to stall completely!

I know the old adage about building muscle and I believe that I am.  Again that is hard to measure.  At the same time, if I were building muscle which weighs more that fat, causing the scales to stall, wouldn't I be seeing it in my measurements?  In fact, I don't think I would have to be measuring at all, my clothes should be telling the story.  They aren't.  My blue jeans are as tight as ever.

Now with the season change, I'm looking at some adorable cold weather clothes that I bought at the end of the season last year when I was 40 pounds lighter.  Ain't no way those are working now!  I refuse to buy  new clothes in this current size.

Now it is time to take my own advice.  Stick to it and don't worry about the scales.  No one ever said this would be easy.  I don't mind the hard work, and I'm actually enjoying the way I'm eating.  I just don't want to get discouraged.  That is the hardest thing for me to overcome.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Monday Mileage & Musings

I am currently at 729 miles for the year. It is becoming clearer and clearer that I won't make the 1000 mile goal at the pace I am going right now.  I'm going to have to step it up, literally or accept the fact that at my current pace, I'll get in the range of 950.  I'm leaning towards getting in the 950 range, mostly because I want to focus on P90X.

Speaking of which, I did Kenpo X for the first time on Saturday.  It should have been my second time for that workout but it just didn't happen the Saturday before.  I really enjoyed that work out from beginning to end. Kenpo is a martial art and I've always wanted to learn one.  I felt good and strong during the entire work out.  Yesterday I paid in a major way! 

I did the workout Saturday morning so as to be sure to get it in.  As the day progressed, I felt the workout more and more in my midsection.  Yahoo!  That is where the trouble is.  I took a naproxen at bedtime and still woke up stiff and sore.  I needed the day of rest yesterday to recover.

I was back at it this morning.  Somehow this morning the workout was much more of a mental challenge.  Those ugly thoughts tried to creep back in.  Discouragement tried to get a toehold.  I just had to power through.  It was hard.  It was much more of a mental thing than a physical thing.  And I just don't like it one bit!

I'm half way through with the first four week cycle.  I am not going to be defeated by my own silly self.  I am not going to let those lies about my physical abilities control me.

I am making one small change.  Timothy, very generously sent me a bellydance DVD.  I am going to do that in place of yoga, on Wednesday.  I had been considering it.  I wanted to be sure that I was making an honest change to the program and not wimping out on the yoga just because it was hard.

Last night, as I was chatting with friends, the subjet of yoga came up.  I really did not contribute much to the conversation other than agreeing with the various statements about it being hard, etc.  Because when the subject arose, I immediately got tense.  I felt my jaw clench and felt almost fearful, as if one of them might ask me to strike a pose right there!  I knew then that I  needed to table the yoga DVD for a while.  I'll come back to  it.  I won't let it defeat me either.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Another Dose of Reality

Today was yoga day with the P90X program.  This is the one last week that nearly broke me.  I literally had tears burning in my eyes.  I felt all the humiliation of those days in PE and gym during school, and I was alone in my living room. 

I gave myself a lot of positive self talk before beginning the DVD today.  I told myself it was OK not to do everything.  I told myself only I knew if I was giving it my best and my best was all I could do.  I reminded myself that the people on the DVD had been doing this for ages and that only the best would be included.  I tried very hard to only say positive things to myself and I think I was successful in that. 

Never once did I think about skipping it.  I knew better.  I knew that if I skipped it, I'd probably never go back and try again.  I knew that even another 'bad' session would be better than skipping.

I really don't know how to label today's workout.  I don't want to call it 'bad' because of the negative connotations that brings.  It was certainly better than the last time but far from good.  I only fell over once.  I still could not do all of the poses nor could I hold all of them for the entire time. 

I am concentrating on the fact that I was better.  I know that inside.  I know that I gave it my all and that is all anyone can do.  I know that a week is not nearly long enough to perfect these poses.  Some people do this for years before getting in to some of the more difficult poses.  I'm good with where I am now.

This is huge for a perfectionist like me.  I'm stunned.  I'm stunned on two levels.  One that I haven't quit because I'm not perfect and two that I'm totally OK with improvement rather than perfection.  Last night, I was thinking, in a very realistic way, of where I might be when this 90 days was over.  As I thought, I began to think about the next session and how much better I'd be then.

This is not me.  Or this has not been me in the past.  The old me would have been marking the days off and thinking only this many more.  And I need to lose x lbs per day between now and then, setting unrealistic expectations. Now I think I'm managing my expectations much better and I sort of like me better this way.  As I said yesterday, I have to live inside of me, and it is so much happier inside of me now.  It is a good place to be.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Perceptions vs. Reality

Last night about bedtime, I had a sudden realization that I hadn't measured everything when I took my measurements before starting the P90X.  I should have measured my ribs just under my breasts and my tummy between my waist and hips.  I made a mental note to do them today.  After all, it has only been 10 days.

I've had a feeling that my waist has gotten smaller.  My pants don't feel as tight in the waist.  My plan was to wait to measure after 4 weeks to give myself the full first cycle.  I knew the results would be more dramatic if I waited.  Being able to tell in my clothes was just a bonus.  Plus, I didn't want to be upset if my feelings were not confirmed just yet.

After I rocked another workout this morning I took those two measures and noted that they were made on October 10 rather than October 1.  Then, I just couldn't help myself, I measured my waist.  I have lost a full inch in my waist!!  Go me!!

Maybe I'm getting the endorphin rush after a good work out, but I am feeling strong after each workout.  I feel ripped and healthy.  I like the way I feel. I had some errands to run outside of the house today so I set out to do them feeling like I could conquer the world.  I had a spring in my step and an inch missing from my waist, and I was just getting started.

Imagine my surprise then, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while out on my errands.  There was a chubby lady looking back at me, not this lean and glorious, glowing with health and vitality woman I was on the inside.

It shook me.  I sat in the car for a while and processed it.  Well, I tried to process it.  I couldn't make that woman me.  I'm healthy and fit.  I rock the P90X.  Then I decided it didn't matter.  I have to live on the inside of me.  I like where I am on the inside.  The outside will just have to catch up.  I don't have time to worry about that.  I've got some living to do.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Major Improvement

Today as I did the P90X workout, I noticed marked improvement in my ability.  I was up to the modified workout almost the entire time.  There are a couple of moves that are going to take a little longer, but that is OK.  I got confirmation today that I can do it.  It felt great!!

My biggest obstacle now is eating enough food.  I'm following the fat shredder nutrition plan.  It is just more food that I'm used to eating.  I remember joking with a coworker some time ago.  She was nursing her new baby and said it was difficult to keep her calories up.  She, of course, was eating fresh fruit and vegetables and lean meats like we all should.  I laughed and told her she just wasn't trying hard enough and I could give her a few pointers.  Now, I understand her dilemma.

I'm making meals that fit with the plan and serving them to 65MD.  I haven't actually told him that he's eating according to the fat shredder plan but I suspect he knows.  We eat the same thing and he knows what I'm doing.  He has been totally fine with everything I've made so far and I am having a blast making real food for us.  I'm not controlling his portions as I am mine.  He doesn't have the same weight problem I do. This is the way we should be eating anyway.

Yesterday, I decided to make some whole wheat bread for us.  I opted for a recipe that still had a little white flour in it.  It was about 3/4 whole wheat to 1/4 white.  For 65MD's sake, I thought I should ease in to it.  Whole wheat flour has a stronger taste to me, and I didn't want to put him off since he has been so supportive. 

The bread turned out great.  I had my allotted one piece.  He ate three and made himself stop saying he could eat the whole pan.  I asked him then what he thought of the stronger taste and he said he liked it.  I told him about the second recipe and my thinking that we should work up to it.  He said to go for it.  So, as soon as we eat the rest of the bread from yesterday.  I'm on to the full whole wheat recipe.  Stay tuned to see how that turns out.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Monday Mileage

I have 707 miles for the year.  I thought I never get through that 700 mile barrier. The 600's seemed to take forever.  Funny how that happens sometimes.

I'm learning more and more that any idea I had of physical fitness was a delusion.  I'm doing my best with the P90X.  It is hard not to get discouraged.  I am only a week in, so I'm not throwing in the towel just yet.  I have got to give myself at least a month to see if I improve at all.  I think I will and I think that will give me the strength to forge ahead.

It has turned cold and is rainy here.  It doesn't do much for my desire to work out.  The weekend was just crazy.  Funny thing, I was expecting a calm, relaxing weekend and those are two of the last words I'd choose to describe it!  I missed two workouts but I was right back with it today.

The old me would have quit already.  The old me would have turned off the yoga about two minutes in and cried.  I've already confessed that I was close to tears, but I did not quit.  The old me would have decided that it was useless to continue if I missed one, much less two workouts.  I no longer had 'perfect attendance' so what was the use.

No more.  Now, I'm struggling and clawing my way out of this pit I've dug for myself.  If I don't things will only get worse.  I won't let that happen!  It is my choice to make, will I be fitter in 30 days or fatter?  I've already decided fitter, now to make it happen.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Conversations with 65MD

For my new readers, 65MD is my husband.  He asked for privacy's sake to be called '65 Mustang Driver on my blog.  While I wanted to respect his privacy, I did not want to type out that whole long moniker every time I referred to him, so we agreed on 65MD.  It adds an air of mystery to him, which is hilarious to me.

He has been a tremendous support for me all through this journey.  He needs to lose 20 or so pounds but has never struggled with his weight the way I have.  Still, he has been as helpful as he could be.  This is a journey that is often walked alone.  At least for me it has been since the battle is more between the ears than anywhere else.

He considered doing P90X with me but has decided not to.  I think it is a wise decision on his part. He has arthritis in his knees which is a hereditary condition and this high impact stuff won't help it.  He is still totally on board with me doing so.  This is how I know:

We were out the other night and stopped to get gas in the car.  As I sat there, I noticed domed drink lids, which are the hallmark of Icees, my favorite summertime drink.  There is nothing better on a hot summer day.  When 65MD got back in the car, I pointed at them and said I thought they had Icees here.  He said I didn't really want one, and I agreed.  I pointed out that it was a little cooler and I didn't want to drink anything that cold now.  He said that the reason I didn't want one was because I didn't want to ruin all my hard work.  He was right!  I'd been telling myself the very same thing and not just with Icees.

Secondly, I've struggled with the workouts.  Even the lean workout is grueling.  I'm sore.  Although I'm alone in the house, except for the dog, I am embarrassed by my lack of ability.  All those horrible memories of PE and gym come flooding back.  I was close to tears before this morning's routine was complete.  I emailed him and told him how I was feeling.  He sympathized and then gave me words of encouragement.  He gave me the will to continue.  He's fighting right along with me.

He loves me no matter what my size.  He's told me repeatedly that he wished I could make peace with my weight.  I know, however that I need to be healthier.  He understands that and keeps me going.  I need it.  I'll need it a lot more.  This could be a very long 90 days.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

It Ain't Pretty!

I have such mixed emotions right now.  I'm not sure I can articulate it well.  I'm feeling two extremes about the P90X and where I am now physically.

On the one hand I'm ready to go.  I feel strong and capable.  I don't like what I let happened but I'm not using that as an excuse.  It will be far worse to still be in this shape or worse next week, next month or next year.  I am where I am, so that is where I'm starting.  I feel so good after and even during those grueling work outs, but then those mixed emotions start popping up.

I can't keep up.  I have no delusions about being buff like the leaders on the DVD.  I think that is fine.  I'll be there eventually.  Then I start thinking about how horrible it is that I can only do one ab shredder for every three they do and then I'm done after about 5.  I pull myself back by telling myself that I will be better next time.  If I get a little better each time, I'll easily keep up. 

Once again, I feel strong and capable.  Then I look at the pictures below.  I am so embarrassed by them.  A part of me wishes I had not taken them.  I think I'll be glad in the long run so I'm posting them.  Clearly, the woman in those photos is not the buff image on the screen.  I'm OK with that.  She's not even the strong, capable image I have in my head.  This woman is fat!

I don't want to believe she is me.  Then I get ashamed.  I tell myself not to wallow there.  It is bad that it happened but it did.  The important thing is that I'm working to improve myself.  I feel better.  Then I try to stand from a sitting position and my quads and gluts scream.  I'm sad that my body is so out of shape that I have the aches and pains.  I tell myself this won't last forever and that I should be proud that I'm doing something to improve myself. I'm good; I'm bad.  I'm strong: I'm soft.  I'm fat; I'm fit.  Round and round I go. I'm getting dizzy.  And, I'm getting better.

The P90X recommends 6 shots.  65MD took all of them, but I'm just sharing these for now.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Crash, Burn and Get UP!

Yesterday I began P90X.  A few short years or even months ago that would have been unfathomable.  Now, it is just simply crazy.  But, I forge ahead.  I have opted to eat according to the "Fat Shredder" nutrition guide and do the "Lean" workout.

The nutrition is much like I eat already, but with a few more options and a little more food.  I'm going to have to be careful about measuring to be sure.  I think that I'll be eating more food though.  That's fine with me.  It will be good, healthy food, not more cookies and ice cream.  The workouts are insane and I'm not going to ruin that with bad fuel for my body. 

Yesterday, I decided to wait to do the first workout with 65MD after he got home from work.  Sadly, he came home sick.  I think he picked up a little bug on our trip.  When he said he needed to lay down when he got home, I knew it was the real deal.  This man does not admit illness unless he has to.  He encouraged me to go ahead.  He even helped get the equipment together for me before departing to the other room to rest.

I popped in the DVD and got busy with the warm up.  It was harder that some 'workouts' I've done.  About 5 minutes in, there was a quad stretch.  Nothing too insane, just bending the knee, grabbing the foot from behind and stretching.  I've done this countless times.  It is for me, a nice easy stretch.  I bent my right knee and had my heel up at my tush.  As I reached with my hand to grab my foot and pull, there was an explosion in my thigh.  It really felt like a bullet had hit me right in the center of my thigh.  I cried out in pain and fell, yes fell, to the ground in extreme pain.

I caused such a commotion that 65MD rushed in to see if he needed to call 911.  I stayed in the floor for a bit and then crawled, literally crawled up in to the chair.  65MD was hovering to make sure no new injuries happened.  After resting in the chair for a bit, I decided to walk it out.  I send 65MD back to bed and paced through the house.  OK, initially, I hobbled through the house using furniture to hold myself up.  As I continued I was able to walk more upright and then like nothing had happened.  It was odd and scary enough that I did not finish the workout.  I put it away for the evening.

I was a little concerned about soreness this morning and that I might have to delay the workout a day or to but not once did I think of chucking it.  Not once did I tell myself that I was to old, fat, out of shape, etc to do it. 

This morning, I got up with no soreness at all and did the full workout.  I know without a doubt I will be sore in the morning.  Intense does not even begin to describe this workout.  I did the modified version and had to modify it a bit more.  That is OK.  I have a goal.  I can work up to it.  I will work up to it.  During the work out, I relished the sweat and was even disappointed that I didn't sweat more.  When it got tough, I never thought of quitting.  I thought of how good I was going to look both in my clothes and out of them!  I thought about how I would be able to go to Colonial Williamsburg and walk all day without naproxen.

 This is a serious commitment.  It is 90 days of one hour work outs with only one day off per week.  I will see it through.  In January, I'll decide if I want to do it again on the next level up.  Right now, I am doing the best I can and I will continue to.

BTW, the pictures didn't happen last night because 65MD wasn't quite up to it.  He's better already and I'll get him to take the pics tonight.

Monday, October 1, 2012

My Personal Challenge

65MD and I have just returned from a few days in Colonial Williamsburg.  It was a nice break from our daily routines.  He was attending a conference so he didn't get quite the break that I did.  Regardless, it was a nice time and I had some triumphs and perhaps an insight or two.

Colonial Williamsburg is set in the 1770's.  The individuals working there dress and speak as they did during that time period. Even the food served on sight is supposed to be similar.  Before we left, I had given myself permission to eat whatever I wanted while on site.  I didn't want to agonize about how many calories, carbs or fat grams a particular offering had especially if I wasn't quite sure what the food item was!  I got over that during the first meal.  It was dry and just not very tasty.  I gave it another chance because I could have made a bad choice, or the tavern could have been having a bad time.  The second meal was almost as bad as the first, so I gladly let that notion go.

Sadly, it was still difficult to find good options even with the more modern food offerings.  I just made the best choices I could at the moment and not once did I obsess over it.  I just ate and moved on.  In fact, I sort of like the way I'm eating right now.  I know I still need to cut down on the amounts and I'm still letting myself have too many carbs.  On the whole, however, I think I have the basis for a good, healthy way of eating with just a few tweaks here and there.

Since CW is set in the 1770's it is totally pedestrian.  I set a personal best with 22,314 steps in one day!  My previous record was at the beach in April with 20,202 steps. I freely admit that naproxen was involved.  I was a little stiff the next morning but got over that quickly enough.  That let 65MD and me to a discussion regarding fitness.  We agreed that we both needed to be more fit.  We agreed that our biggest health concern was not food, but exercise.  That conversation led us to the decision to try P90X.

I got it today.  I have yet to read through all of the information that came with it, but I will.  My plan is to start today.  It is a 90 day program.  That is perfect timing for the last quarter of the year.  A friend IRL told me I'd feel like I was dying for about 3 days and then I'd be fine.  Be forewarned, I could be moaning and groaning for a few days.  I'll gladly moan and groan if it gets the rest of the weight off.

I've taken all of my measurements and I'll have 65MD take some before shots.  I'll get those posted on the sidebar.  I'll take 30 day progress pics, so we can all watch me shrink.  I'm excited.  I think this is just the thing for which I was I was searching!