tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874089599760725412024-03-05T01:56:15.945-06:00My Journey Through Deepest, Darkest Weight LossThis is my journey. It is full of twists and turns, ups and downs. It is worth it for the lasting change it brings. I hope my journey will help others find their own path.Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.comBlogger789125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-37916492130521238672019-08-15T15:42:00.002-05:002019-08-15T15:42:50.035-05:00Phase TwoToday is my first day of intermittent fasting. I decided on an eating time of 11:00 am to 7:00 pm. I also decided to focus on protein and vegetables, with minimal carbs, mostly from fruit. It all seems so reasonable. It seems so simple, so easy until 11:00 this morning.<script type="text/javascript">
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I decided to treat myself to bacon as my protein this morning. I decided that a few days ago. It fits within the guidelines I decided upon, except it is not really the healthiest protein. It is protein and not carb, so that is good and I felt like I needed a treat.</div>
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I should stop here and add that within the eating time frame, I want to eat between 1200-1500 calories based on my metabolic reading earlier this week. But, I also decided that I needed a little brain break from counting calories and measuring food. I don't want to fall back down that rabbit hole of good food vs bad food and guilt over straying from tight restrictions. So, between now and Monday, I'll eat between 11:00 and 7:00 within the earlier guidelines but let satiety be my measure rather than a calorie count.</div>
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So, I got out the bacon this morning and proceeded to cook the whole pound. I do that because I hate to cook bacon and I'd rather just cook it all and have it on hand for later. While I was cooking, I looked at the calorie count - about 45 calories per slice. A serving was two (what??) slices or 90 calories. Then I thought about the sodium and how only two measly slices would likely cause a major jump in body weight.</div>
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I stood in the kitchen HUNGRY with bacon and I was afraid to eat it. I am scared, truly fearful of runaway regain. It has happened before. The odds are truly stacked against keeping weight off. And, I really need to lose a lot more weight to get into a healthier weight. So, what was I to do? Eat the bacon? Yes. I did.</div>
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I decided that I could not be ruled by fear. Respect for what and how much food I eat is great, and I want to cultivate that. I want to make good choices about what I eat, but I spent too much time in that place where I felt like I was a bad person because of the food choices I made. I will not live there again.</div>
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I ate only bacon this morning. I have drunk a lot of water because I have been quite thirsty. Hello, sodium! It is now 3:30 and I've not become hungry. I'm going with it. I'm preparing supper because I think I will be hungry for it later. I will eat until I feel satisfied. I will stop and wait for 11:00 tomorrow to eat again. I can do this.</div>
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Some stats for anyone interested and not triggered by numbers: I lost exactly 25 pounds and 39.5 inches. I lost 3.75 inches from my waist and a full 8 inches off my hips! I measured everywhere, arms, legs, ribcage, etc to make up the total lost.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-10779481582022536382019-08-11T17:16:00.001-05:002019-08-11T17:16:58.957-05:00The End is Near!!I will run out of hCG this week. After the last injection, I will need to continue to eat on plan for two more days. Folks. let me just say this has been hard. It seems to have gotten harder. I never really got over the hunger, and then the scales were so fickle. I could have endured the hunger better if I was getting 'rewarded' with a lower figure on the scales.<script type="text/javascript">
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As hard as it has been, those last two days will be the worst. Knowing that in mere hours, I can have a larger portions and not get hungry so quickly, makes it super hard. I'll do it because I know those are the last two days I have to drop significant weight. </div>
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I am not going to hit the number I wanted to do another round. I struggled some with that when I realized it wasn't going to happen. As I explored other eating options, I realized it was a good thing to take a break. I was beginning to develop the good food vs bad food mentality again. Even though I plan to keep sugar intake to a minimum, I will not be militant about it. </div>
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My birthday is coming up and I know I will eat cake. I will enjoy it as I celebrate another year with my family, who love me no matter what size my belly is! </div>
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I decided the best way of eating that allows all food, even sugar, guilt free is intermittent fasting. I'll start with that as soon as the hCG is gone. I'm going to start with an 8 hour window for eating. In that time, I'll focus mostly on whole, healthy foods. I get beef locally from a rancher, and it is grass fed organic and my garden this year has provided enough vegetables to can/freeze. I feel prepared for this to start at the end of the week.</div>
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Just to update from my last post about the clothes I ordered. I went back and ordered my current size when I saw there were no returns since the clothes were personalized. And, they were all too small!!! One top was so small, I could hardly get it on. I am disappointed, but I am trying to use this as motivation to keep going. They are really cute clothes!!</div>
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Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-75827566895951851842019-08-04T18:46:00.001-05:002019-08-04T18:46:58.703-05:00A Quick HelloFriends, I think about blogging almost every day and some days several times. Something will happen that I think will make a good post or a funny post, However the last few weeks, life has been a little bit frantic. School starts tomorrow, and I think life will slip back into a more predictable pattern. Time will tell.<div>
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I just wanted to drop in and share a bit of those blog posts I've thought about, but in bullet points rather than whole posts.</div>
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*The scales continue to confound me. I stay on plan 100% and yet they fluctuate. After having two apple days, I decided I would just stay on plan and see what happens. Overall the trend is down so that is what matters.</div>
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*65MD and I went shopping one day for some new clothes for him. This would be a funny post if I had time to really share. We have been married nearly 20 years and have only been clothes shopping together for him maybe 5 times. There is a reason! Anyway, he found some things he wanted but they didn't have his size in stock in the store, so we ordered them online when we got home. When I say "we" I mean me. As I was looking through the site, I found a really cute dress, and I ordered it a size smaller than I usually wear. It was a risk since it was a summer dress and if it was too small now, it would probably be too large next summer. It fit!!</div>
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*I ordered some more clothes that I expect to arrive tomorrow in that new smaller size. This is a new place, so there is the risk that their clothes sizes are a little different. I'll find out tomorrow.</div>
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*Only two more weeks left of injections. I have a number in mind I'd like to see on the scale at the end. Not so much as a goal weight, but as a marker of 'has this been worth it?' This time I feel like I have struggled more. If I see that number, I'll do another round of injections in October. If not, I'll do something else.</div>
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*Between the end of the injections and the potential restart in October, we will celebrate my birthday, 65MD's birthday, our 20th anniversary and take a trip to Asheville, NC for a conference for 65MD. Wait! What was I saying about getting into a pattern?</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-40531513049314715232019-07-24T14:25:00.000-05:002019-07-24T14:25:06.806-05:00Disappointment & Despair<script type="text/javascript">
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The up and down with the scales continued through the weekend. On Sunday, even though my weight had ticked down a bit, I was still disappointed. I thought I should have gotten better results from the scales. I felt myself slipping over the edge into despair. I could see the darkness coming. I lived in that place too long. I know how it feels and I know I don't like it.</div>
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I was sitting on the edge of my bed when I felt the change starting and knew I had to stop it or I would really be in for a downward spiral. I had a nice little chat with myself about expectations and how I wasn't going to have any this time. I spoke kindly to myself, which felt good. I reminded myself of how well I was doing on the things I could control. Everything in my control was all spot on. I began to feel better right away.</div>
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This is so different from my previous weight loss attempts of any type. I would have slipped into despair. I would have stayed there for far too long telling myself that I was somehow not good enough. Not only was I fat, but I didn't have the sense to follow a simple plan and all sorts of ugliness. No wonder I couldn't get out of that place when I continually beat myself up.</div>
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This time having spent some quality time with myself assuring myself that I was doing the best I could and not to worry about the scales, I felt lighter immediately. I was no longer carrying the weight of making myself responsible for something over which I had no control. The scales responded!</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-17526359916674283492019-07-19T16:59:00.001-05:002019-07-19T16:59:09.826-05:00Wacky Wednesday!When I restarted the hgc and blog, I decided to be more 'go with the flow' type of person that one bound by strict rules and regulations. Coming to that mindset has been a journey in itself. Even with the new attitude, I had some ideas about how the weight loss would happen and thought I would blog about once a week. It didn't take long for both of those thing to fall apart! Since I have a more relaxed approach this time, I won't apologize, but simply share what happened on Wednesday and document a bit about how the weight loss is going and how I'm feeling.<div>
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Wednesday started out as planned but just as I was starting an appointment, I got a call that my 6 year old niece was sick at day camp. I extricated myself as soon as possible to get her. I managed to get there about an hour before her 4 year old sister was to be dismissed but she was asleep. I left the 4 year old there and brought the 6 year old home. I got her settled on the couch and called 65MD (my husband) to see if he was planning to come home from work in time to stay with her while I went for the little one. He was. I got the little one and we had a quiet afternoon watching TV.</div>
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Before anyone gets distressed about their parents not coming for them, I live less than 10 minutes from the school and can get there more quickly. I am the designated pick up person in the afternoons anyway since day camp is over before their parents get off from work. I was in contact with them. They knew what was going on.</div>
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Everyone is well now. And, catching up on this blog will get me fully back on track.</div>
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As far as the weight loss goes, I had a small but surprising gain on Wednesday morning. I attributed it to still not getting in enough water and missing a meal. I have the aforementioned sisters on Tuesdays and Thursdays along with their 3 year old cousin. We have an absolute blast! In the chaos of the day, however, I never took the time to actually eat my midday meal.</div>
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Then on Thursday morning, I had another small gain making a full pound regained. Once again, I didn't get in all my water and with the early trip to pick up my niece I missed my midday meal again. </div>
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The protocol is if two days pass without a loss, the next day should be an apple day. Up to 6 apples can be eaten throughout the day. So that is what I did. This morning, I had lost a full pound.</div>
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I confess I am disappointed. I am not beating myself up for not getting in the water or missing the meals. In fact, I am doing much better with the water. And, I would never be upset about any decision I made regarding helping my family. That is just the way life goes sometimes.</div>
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Still, I am disappointed. I only have so many days on the hcg, and the early days, the first two or three weeks, are the real sweet spot regarding weight loss. I want to make the most of those days. I decided at the outset, I would do two 40-day rounds and then accept whatever my weight/size is at that time. </div>
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This time has been harder than I recall the earlier times. It is probably that I have forgotten, but I have been hungry! The first week I had a mild headache most of the time in addition to being hungry. The headache is gone but the hunger remains. I know in the past, I wanted to eat and I never felt really satisfied after a meal, but I don't remember it being to this degree. Perhaps, it is that I just couldn't load those first two days. I'll make sure to indulge more next time.</div>
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As far as the water goes, I'm trying to drink a full gallon. I am consistently drinking half of that and sometimes closer to two-thirds. Yesterday, I almost made it. This time, I am happy that I am making progress and know that eventually I will make my goal.</div>
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Life inside my head is so much better when I focus on what I have done which is a lot, rather than what I have not done, which by comparison is quite small. I'm looking forward to a healthier me as well.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-55847425876174018112019-07-10T15:28:00.001-05:002019-07-10T15:28:39.601-05:00And So It BeginsI started the injections on Sunday. Sunday and Monday were 'load' days. It takes 48 hours for the hcg to fully get into the system so the first two days are for calorie loading. Then there are two days after the injections stop where the low calorie plan is followed while the<span style="background-color: white;"> hcg</span> fully exits the system.<script type="text/javascript">
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Sunday and Monday I ate Mexican and pizza, two things I know I'll miss the most. Truth be told I amped up the eating a bit since deciding to start. That means I have a few more pounds to lose, but I have so many to lose, a couple more don't really matter. I was surprised at how 'little' I gained in the weeks I was waiting to start. I recognized that I really had made peace with food. I did not plan my life around what I was going to eat since I would be restricting again soon. </div>
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On Sunday and Monday in particular, I really needed to eat to get the best outcome for the next 42 days. However, I could not eat that much. I ordered a big plate of nachos on Sunday and could not eat them all. In fact, I really didn't want to eat anything else the rest of the day. 65MD (my husband) brought home pizza on Monday. He got my favorite and I ate three pieces, but only the good part in the middle not the edges. I was so stuffed, I had to get some tummy medication! </div>
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Yesterday was my first day with the fast, as I am calling it. I had already portioned out my protein in 3.5 ounce packages so that all I have to do is cook and eat. I was hungry all day!! I don't think I quite did enough on the loading. Sigh, not eating enough, that is a new concept for me.</div>
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I am better today hunger-wise. Yesterday and today, I've had trouble getting a gallon of water in. I get about half of that down. Today, I squeezed a few lemons into the jug to make the water crisp. I am enjoying that.</div>
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As of this morning, I have lost one pound from my starting weight on Sunday. I am fine with that. I feel much more relaxed this time about the whole process. I'm not freaked out to get every ounce of water down; it will come. I know the weight will come off too. This is just a season of my life. The weight loss season. It will take as long as it takes. I will concern myself with the next season when that time arrives.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-52096107311654807032019-07-03T15:27:00.000-05:002019-07-03T15:27:15.767-05:00In the InterimIt has been almost three years since I blogged, and I am so surprised that so many of my blog friends jumped in with a comment. Blogging in obscurity was fine with me, but since I got so much support from the earlier post I thought I would expand a bit on what happened during the last three years.<script type="text/javascript">
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My quest for health and fitness didn't change, it took a new course into the body acceptance arena. That was and is a very good thing. I read the book, <i>Secrets of the Eating Lab</i> by Traci Mann. Get it and read it. It really opened my eyes to the *why* of eating and set me on a journey of a lot more reading and research.</div>
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In time, I realized that there were issues surrounding the disordered eating habits I had developed and I needed to get some professional help. I found a therapist that specialized in disordered eating. We did not discuss what I had eaten each day. We did not discuss how many carbs, calories, fat grams or anything else regarding what I ate, when I ate or how much I ate. Instead we talked about life. </div>
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I was depressed. I knew that. I spent a lot of my life depressed. After a few sessions, I felt comfortable enough to share with her a memory from my childhood surrounding food. As we uncovered the feelings underneath the memory, I was able to deal with the feelings as feelings. It was hard and involved a lot of tears. We dealt with several hard memories from childhood during the time I spent seeing her.</div>
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In time, I realized that some of my favorite foods would sit in the refrigerator or in the cabinet for days uneaten. Sometimes, I actually forgot they were there until I saw them. We were really on to something. Life intervened and I decided to stop therapy. </div>
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My mother got sick, moved in and then died. That needed my entire focus. Now, I'm embarking on the weight loss journey again. This time, with more peace about food and a greater understanding of why I made some of the choices I did years ago. This time, I'm expecting better, more lasting results.</div>
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Thanks for joining me.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-68536834347332154462019-06-29T12:36:00.001-05:002019-06-29T16:30:17.124-05:00Hello There!!Any body still here? I abandoned this blog years ago when I got tired of sharing yet another failure to lose weight. In the interim, I discovered health at every size, intuitive eating and even a militant-like resistance to the diet culture in society. Those things helped me have peace with my body shape, but still not with the size.<script type="text/javascript">
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In addition to the physical journey to health. I've been on an intense emotional journey. I'm not sure how much of that I will share here. At this time, I'll say I've dealt with childhood trauma, my mother moving in and subsequently dying. I'm continuing to deal with it.</div>
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I've been through some very dark times. I've kept them quite private except to my family and closest friends. Now, I see a brighter future and I'm ready to focus on being the best version of me I can be. I am starting back on the hcg next week. I want to share that journey here. Not just the weight loss, that is important, but almost secondary to the emotional healing I want to experience.</div>
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I understand now, that my obesity has deep roots in the childhood trauma. I understand now, I don't need the extra weight to protect me. My eating is much more peaceful now. The hcg is to get a jump start on weight loss and alleviate some physical aches that have to do with carrying around too much weight.</div>
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Who is here? Say 'hello' in the comments so I know who is coming along side me in this new chapter.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-34747907239495986442016-07-06T19:48:00.001-05:002016-07-06T19:48:15.470-05:00Wednesday Weigh In, Diet Coke Pedometer AppThis morning the scales were down 0.6 lbs from last week. I'm not sure why but I'll take it. If I can consistently lose about half a pound a week, I'll be glad.<script type="text/javascript">
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I'm guessing it is the more concentrated effort to drink water the past couple of days. My eating has been OK, but not stellar. I didn't find myself editing my intake because I didn't want to document it. I ate cake twice over the weekend and wrote it down. I know that my life has got to include cake every now and then. Probably not twice in one weekend very often, but we celebrated two birthdays on two different days, so there were two cakes.</div>
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I wish that next week was a more typical week so that I could test my theory but it isn't so I won't stress about it. I will, however, take lots of bottled water because the water at camp is gross. I learned over the weekend that I enjoy water more than I thought.</div>
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I had a chance to drink Diet Coke over the weekend. (Not as the same time as I was eating cake.) I have been doing a good job of avoiding artificial sweeteners so I'm not sure when I last had my beloved Diet Coke. There once was a time that I drank so much, I laughed and said I would bleed Diet Coke if I were cut. (This was in my middle and late 20's, when I did not grasp the dangers of artificial sweeteners.) Anyway, I poured myself a glass and then nearly choked on the first sip. The stuff tasted like metal. It had been poured from a 2 liter bottle, which was plastic. I had to dump it out.</div>
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I gladly went back to my water. I still like my sweet tea, as far as I know. I haven't had any of that in a while. I'm saving that for the next special occasion. I'm not sure when that will be.</div>
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Finally, I have two issue with the pedometer app. One I have to remember to carry it or tuck it in my waistband when I move around. I'm not doing a very good job of that. It is, however, a habit I can learn. The other is, the app seems to eat up battery life like crazy. I might have to use it to track steps when I'm actually on a walk. I can create my challenge to get x number of work out steps per week or something like that. I won't worry about that until I get back from camp.</div>
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The baby and mommy leave in the morning. It will be back to my usual pattern until I leave for camp Sunday morning. I'll probably weigh again before I leave since I won't be able to next week. It will be interesting to see how the week impacts my weight.Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-23463613974912371812016-07-05T12:29:00.000-05:002016-07-05T12:29:04.895-05:00My WeekendI had a great weekend with family. I got in lots of fun with my nieces and lots of snuggles with the baby. My nephew has gone back to home, his wife and the baby are staying a few more days so more time for cuddling.<script type="text/javascript">
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I've done a decent job of keeping my food intake recorded. I didn't always take my notebook with me since when family is in town we have a roving party from house to house. I feel good about recording the food I ate, it is the water that I'm not sure of. </div>
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I have a favorite water bottle that I carry almost all of the time. I kept it with me all weekend and kept it topped off. I didn't keep a good awareness of how many times, I topped it off. I think, I came up short on the water. Funny thing, that is the one thing I thought I had no issues regarding. I drink a lot of water every day. I drink water almost exclusively.</div>
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Other than the possible need to increase water intake, I've not found anything that is glaringly obvious to change with my food. I'll keep the journal through the rest of the week. I'll not try to keep up with it during camp next week. I'll just eat what is prepared and pick up the food journal when I get back.</div>
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My very early conclusions are that eating is OK, and water could increase. Wouldn't it be funny if all along, all I needed to do was add another glass or two of water to start shedding the weight!!??</div>
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The final component of my weight loss trifecta is exercise. My fitness level is coming back and will continue to as long as I push myself. Sadly, the pedometer challenge is on hiatus for now. I dropped the pedometer and it stopped working. </div>
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On Saturday, I went to the bathroom and it slipped off my waistband as I took my pants down. It has happened plenty of times before in that situation. I thought little off it and clipped it back on. Saturday night, when I looked to see how many steps I had, I was shocked to see just over 3000. I'd taken it off for a while when I was in the pool but even allowing for that, it seemed far too low. </div>
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Sunday morning, I clipped the pedometer to my skirt and went to church. Imagine my surprise, when I checked my number of steps mid morning and saw 0. I walk about 1000 steps in the morning getting dressed! By this time, I had dressed, gone to church and had taught the 4 and 5 year olds! I was expecting 1500 minimum and more like 2000. That is when I realized the pedometer probably broke in the bathroom. I probably had 6000 steps if not more on Saturday considering the time of day it fell and what I did for the rest of the day. (I walked the baby every chance I got!)</div>
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I've downloaded a step counter app to my iPod. I'll see how that works. I've got to have it with me all the time and I don't have a handy clip like the old school pedometer. I'm not planning to take my iPod to camp since it is worthless there since there is no wifi. I've got a few days to see how this step counter app works. In the meantime, I'm open to suggestions.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-51459119441535523522016-07-01T12:12:00.002-05:002016-07-01T12:12:40.241-05:00Smashed My GoalI managed to average 6262 steps per day for the last half of the month! I have earned myself a new outfit. In fact, I've already ordered it. And, I never bought myself the consolation prize of one article of clothing from the thrift store. I think I'll table that second place prize for another time. I'm going to the thrift store next week to get some grubby clothes for church camp. If I find something dressy that I like I might get it or I might not.<div>
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Here are a few fun facts. Since I started wearing the pedometer on May 15:</div>
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I have walked a total of 304,588 steps</div>
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I have averaged 6481 steps per day (all that beach walking is bringing it up)</div>
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I have burned 12,269 calories (which should translate to about a 3.5 lb loss)</div>
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I have walked 104.33 miles, or averaged 2.2 miles per day</div>
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Overall I'm pleased with the challenge, except for the not losing 3.5 pounds part. I feel stronger. I am definitely pushing my limits. I feel like I am on the right track and if I just stay with it the weight loss will follow. It will take a while for me to get to the ultimate goal of 10,000 steps per day but I will if I don't quit.</div>
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I'm not upping my goal for the first 16 days of July mostly because I don't know how. Family, including a newborn I have not yet met, is arriving today. Parties are planned starting tomorrow through Monday. The mommy and baby are staying through the end of the week. Daddy has to go back home Tuesday morning. I expect that a good portion of my free time next week will be spent with family. My sister has a pool so I will take full advantage of that every chance I get. Probably not a lot of steps but certainly a lot of fun! Swimming is excellent exercise and if my sister lived closer I'd be giving myself swimming challenges.</div>
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The next week, I'll be at church camp. I'm one of four people assigned to care for the peewee campers. They range in age from 17 months to 8 years old. We will have 14 every day but one. That day we will have 16. My job is to teach them a Bible lesson each day. They will be with us for about an hour and they will have a craft to do too. The others are taking care of that. I'm not sure how I will fill up the other 23 hours of the day. I know it will involve a lot of walking. I hope I am strong enough from the last 6 weeks, that I won't overdo or set myself back in some way. I am taking my cane and Rx in case things get bad. Let's hope I don't need either. I am also taking my own lawn chair that doesn't sink down so much, and has arms .</div>
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So, it could be lighter on steps next week and heavy the week after. I'm hoping the average will still be 6000 per day. If so, I'll get myself a nice casual outfit. When I get back from camp, I'll assess the outcome and set a goal for the 17th through the end of the month, and decide on another reward.</div>
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I'll just be popping in and out from now until camp week. Then I'll be totally off the grid. I'll be having fun and will have lots of tales to tell.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-1554636508097071512016-06-28T11:29:00.001-05:002016-06-28T11:29:28.704-05:00Harsh RealityOver the weekend, as I moved my clothes from the guest bedroom closet to the master bedroom closet, I sorted and purged lots of clothes. I had worn none of the clothes in the master bedroom closet since the floor <strike>fiasco</strike> redo. <div>
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Some of the clothes, I knew I'd never wear again and they quickly went in the donate pile. Other clothes were like seeing an old friend. I'd missed them, and I was glad to put them back in the rotation. Unfortunately, far too many of the clothes are too small. That was a smack to the forehead. And I needed it.<script type="text/javascript">
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I'm not talking about those clothes I bought at a smaller weight. I'm talking about the ones I wore but left thinking I'd not need them for a week or two. I don't think the fibers drew up while they were hanging. I expanded.</div>
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Instead of getting angry and frustrated (although I did - a little bit), I took some time to really think about what I'm doing for my health and fitness. I stopped weighing thinking that was a good thing. It may have been at that time, but it allowed me to perceive I was doing <i>things</i>, very good <i>things</i> to get the weight off. I wasn't. Oh, I was doing<i> things, </i>I just wasn't making good assessments and thought if I kept on, that one day I'd wake up thin. That hasn't happened.</div>
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Now it is the time to fully assess what I'm doing, what I need to keep doing and what I need to change.</div>
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What were the very good things:</div>
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*Eating real food, prepared at home most of the time. This means meals that are protein and vegetable based, and snacks like fruit or nuts.</div>
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*Avoiding sugar and flour</div>
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*Setting the walking challenges with the pedometer</div>
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*Writing my mantra daily, along with personal affirmations</div>
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*Weighing weekly at the most, or hardly at all</div>
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What's working:</div>
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*Eating real food, at home - it should. I have not kept a food journal, part of my more relaxed, make this part of my lifestyle approach. But we wound up eating out three times last week. That's a lot. More than usual, as least I think, and we went places where I could get vegetables.</div>
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*Avoiding sugar and white flour - again, I have no evidence since there is no food journal. And there were those brownies I made for church that weren't all eaten. I brought the leftovers home. I only ate one each day until they were gone. I even shared with 65MD.</div>
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*Setting walking challenges - I am truly challenged to meet the goals I set for myself. I can document the number of steps I've taken each day. I think this is working and will continue to as I continue to push myself.</div>
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*Writing my mantra & and affirmation each day. This is hard to measure. I think it is. I find myself making better choices, like only eating one brownie rather than a whole row. I opted for fruit over potato chips at a function the other day without even having an internal debate. That is probably due to that continual reinforcement.</div>
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What happens now:</div>
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In general I like the more relaxed approach. I'm calmer and happier about food now than I have been in a long time. Still, something must change. My weight is creeping up slowly rather than creeping down as I expected.</div>
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*Eating real food at home. I will continue to do this. I will keep a food log to better document what I eat each day. I will write Caesar salad, not 3 cups of romaine, 1 T Parmesan cheese, 13 croutons, etc. I will not go 'all accountant' on it and list every last calorie or carb. That is not sustainable and the reason I quit. For now, I'm keeping a general assessment of what I eat each day. Once I have a few weeks of logs, I can review and see what needs to happen. </div>
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*Avoiding flour and sugar. They are gone from my home prepared meals. They'd crept back in, since it was allowable. I'm struggling not to say they are banned completely because if I do have a little, I don't want to feel like I failed. However, the avoidance is definitely going to be kicked up significantly. I think the journal will help here too.</div>
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*Setting walking challenges - keep doing what I'm doing</div>
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*Writing my mantra & affirmation - keep doing what I'm doing</div>
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Also, I'm adding back weighing at least each week. For now, I'll hold off with all of the spreadsheets and graphs I love so much. Even though the scales are a poor indicator, they are the most immediate reflection of progress.</div>
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Looking ahead, I have company coming at least two times in the next few weeks, a week at church camp in July (more on that later), and then it is on to birthdays, anniversaries, and on and on. There will always be an excuse to start tomorrow or next week, or even next month. That indicates to me that I need to figure out how to truly make weight loss a lifestyle. I've got to learn how to navigate family functions, trips and the like without feeling deprived, nor sabotaging my weight loss/health goals. This is a very daunting task. Thanks for supporting me on this journey!</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-29256689198508246592016-06-21T13:46:00.000-05:002016-06-21T13:46:03.913-05:00Finally!Some of my long time readers may remember that on spring break 2015, that would be mid March, 65MD and I began to redo the floor in our bedroom. It would be a simple task. Maybe spilling over a bit beyond the week, but not much. I even told a relative in town for the week, that she would see the finished product when she came back at Christmas. That didn't happen!<script type="text/javascript">
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The week long project took 15 months. The starts and stops were both within and beyond our control. Changing our minds from recarpeting to tile certainly extended the project. Doing it ourselves also took more time. Some days we worked hard and made lots of progress. It felt good. Some days we just had other priorities and could not work on it. That was frustrating. Some days we were tired and didn't feel like it. That didn't feel so good. There were things truly beyond our control, like two surgeries and two recoveries. (one for each of us)</div>
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Now, finally, at long last the floor is done. It looks fabulous! I love it. It has been worth every second of the wait. The room itself is not finished. (I'll post pictures then.) We are going to chalk paint the furniture black, and I have some bedding and curtains to complete. I am so enjoying going back there and deciding just where to put this lovely little thing or that.</div>
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Oddly, I'm purging a lot of stuff too. It feels good. It is spilling over into the rest of the house. I'm rearranging lots of things and finding more than I realized, I can live without. I walked over 9000 steps in.my.house yesterday, moving stuff around, doing laundry, etc. Well, not all actually in the house, but I did NOT go on a planned walk. Really.</div>
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I felt good all day yesterday. It was a good day, although not everything that happened yesterday was a good thing. I had good day. This morning as I wrote down my 2016 mantra: "I am strong, fit and healthy." Then I went back and read what I wrote: "I am strong, fit and happy." Really. I wrote that. I just sat and looked at it. I am happy.</div>
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It goes beyond the floor. It is just a room. In time, we'll redecorate or move or something. It isn't permanent. It isn't vital. It isn't really even important. I think what has got me so, hyped is the accomplishment. I'm not sure we'd do it again, if we knew when we started what all it would entail. but we stuck it out. We saw it through to the end. We did it together and we did a great job.</div>
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If I were really clever, I'd connect this somehow with weight loss. I'd draw a parallel between the stops and starts of the floor to the stops and starts of healthy eating. The decisions within and beyond my control to workout or not. I'd take this lesson and apply it to being healthy, although, I'm not sure there is a final completion day there. I still could use this somehow. I enjoy this feeling. I need to keep it.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-46394477730349848802016-06-16T12:21:00.001-05:002016-06-16T12:21:26.343-05:00My FeetI was so excited to share about my nephew yesterday that I totally skipped mentioning my feet. In short, they are mostly fine.<script type="text/javascript">
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The longer version: My left foot, where the burr was is totally fine. I think 65MD's 'surgery' on it is what made it so sore the next day. I also think the burr came out even though he didn't think so. After that one day of concern, it never bothered me again.</div>
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My right foot, where I snagged my pinky toe on the wooden pallet is much better. It does not hurt to walk. It hurts sometimes when it is touched just the right way. I mostly wear open toed shoes so it isn't a problem. Once I get my walking shoes on, it is fine there too.</div>
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My feet are fine for walking. My hips are too. They are just a little more particular about the surface. They aren't too wild about concrete and uneven surfaces. They're getting better at those and even better at the stairs. Stamina, building up endurance is the name of the game for me now.</div>
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I'm on my way. I wound up with an average of just over 5800 steps per day for the last 15 days. It is down slightly from the first challenge, but that one was shorter and I had a little more control over my days (no family trip). I expect to reach my 6000 average goal this time and sport some new clothes by the end of the month!!</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-6949844101829178322016-06-15T14:18:00.001-05:002016-06-15T14:18:25.433-05:00Back to BusinessWe had a nice trip to see my nephew graduate. I'll share more about that later.<script type="text/javascript">
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I didn't walk as much as I anticipated while I was there. And with today being my last day, I don't think I'll make my average 6000 step goal. I'm close with, as of last night, my average being over 5700. But, I'd have to get nearly 10,000 steps today. It could happen, but I doubt it.</div>
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65MD and I met at school and walked Monday and Tuesday. We knew we wouldn't be able to today, so I walked at the church building. That has really helped my average. Even though, I come home and ice my hips, they are telling me it is time for a wee break.</div>
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If I make my goal by the end of the day today, I'll get myself a new dressy outfit. If I don't, I'll get myself one article of clothing, like a skirt, from a thrift store. I made a valiant effort and I believe I earned something just not the grand prize. I'll start tomorrow with the goal again of getting 6000 steps per day between now and June 30. If I make that, I'll get myself that outfit.</div>
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It is doable, I think, if I take a walk each day. 65MD is committed to meeting me and walking. We've only done it twice and I love it. It takes a little effort to organize my day to meet him. It is so worth it. It is nice to have that break in the afternoon to see him and chat. His summer schedule is ever changing, but we'll figure a way to keep on. We are both enjoying it.</div>
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Now for the highlight of my trip - Most of my readers know about my special needs nephew. Briefly, he came to us through adoption. His parents lost custody of him because they were cooking meth in the house, when he was an infant. It left him with a seizure disorder and he is very delayed developmentally. He is 7 years old and still wears a diaper, cannot walk, or talk. He goes to school and has therapists work with him. He is taking a few steps with lots of help. He communicates through his own sign language, like raising his eyebrows for 'yes' and an occasional well placed grunt. He smiles and laughs at the right time, so he knows what is going on around him. He also has an adorable grumpy face. </div>
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He went to the airport with us to see us off. We all hugged each other and then I bent down and kissed his sweet face and said "I love you, Sweetie.' He immediately responded with three grunts. I looked up at my sister shocked. I said that I thought he just told me that he loved me. She smiled and said that he did! Of course, I insisted that my mother do the same thing to see if he responded to her the same way and HE DID! I cannot express the joy that gave me, not just to be told I was loved, but that he knew what I told him and responded! I'm crying as I type just remembering that. It made the whole trip.</div>
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Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-81840129731193899672016-06-06T10:51:00.000-05:002016-06-06T10:51:07.118-05:00And So It Goes...On our last full day at the beach, I stepped on a burr. It seemed like no big deal at the time. 65MD pulled it out and we walked along the surf. I felt a small pinch from time to time, but thought little of it. I thought I had a tiny cut and that it would stop hurting in time.<script type="text/javascript">
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Since we've been back, I've felt the pinch from time to time but again thought little of it. The pain was minor and fleeting. Believe me, I know pain! Yesterday, however, when I got out of bed, I felt the pinch with every step. I realized that we'd been home plenty long for whatever minor cut to heal and that perhaps a bit of the burr was still in my foot.</div>
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I had 65MD take a look and that was the case. The spot was sort of in the arch of my foot so that it really didn't get my full weight when I walked. Until yesterday - when the place was puffy. 65MD got out the hydrogen peroxide, cotton balls and a needle and performed surgery! He poked and prodded, wiped and cleaned and poked and prodded some more, but to no avail.</div>
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So, now I have two sore feet and I'm faced with a dilemma. I'm headed out of town tomorrow for the rest of the week for my nephew's graduation and my niece's birthday. I don't want to be limping around while I'm there. It seems silly to call the doctor for something so minor. It is not infected and we were very careful yesterday to keep everything clean.</div>
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I haven't decided for sure, but I think I'm going to just wait and see what happens. I really don't have time for a doctor visit.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-43713345000816856882016-06-04T10:50:00.001-05:002016-06-04T10:50:59.849-05:00Really???Yesterday, I got in 6661 steps. I should have taken 10 more but I didn't.<script type="text/javascript">
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Even though I exceeded the average just a bit, I still didn't actually go for a walk. I moved a lot more at home and thought I'd try a sidewalk walk after supper to see if I'd made any progress there. As we ate, 65MD asked if I wanted to go to Home Depot to pick up a few more flooring supplies. (Will this job never end?) I agreed. I knew then, I'd get my steps in.</div>
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We took a stroll through the garden area to see if there was anything there we wanted for the yard. We found calla lily bulbs half price so we grabbed them right up. As we were walking along, 65MD got a step or two ahead of me as I had stopped to look at something. I was wearing flip flops and I was taking some quick steps to catch back up to him when I caught my pinky toe on a wooden pallet. I yelped.</div>
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Not only did 65MD stop to see what had happened, two other customers did. It was like at a car accident when several people stop to see if everyone is OK. I was highly embarrassed and tried to play it off as no big deal. One of the men that stopped said he knew better. He knew it hurt because he saw it happen. He was coming towards us from a side aisle, so he had the best vantage point I insisted that I did not need medical attention. We paid for our purchases and went home. And my.toe.hurt.</div>
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I soaked it as soon as we got home and I think that kept it from turning black & blue. It still hurts. I can walk but it is going to be much more of a challenge to get to my average each day, especially since my average after three days is just 5600. I've got over 1100 steps just to get even and then keep up the pace. I must do it. I need clothes!</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-8783475734087815282016-06-03T11:25:00.003-05:002016-06-03T11:25:54.108-05:00Slow StartWell...so far I have yet to hit my goal of 6000 steps. I know it is an average, but I won't get an average if I fall below every day. Sigh.<script type="text/javascript">
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Wednesday, I had plans to go to the grocery store so I didn't plan a walk. I get plenty of steps in at the store. Unfortunately, I didn't go to the store and I didn't even get 5000 step in!!</div>
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Yesterday, I didn't go for a walk either. I did make it to the grocery store and got over 5000 steps.</div>
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Neither day went as planned, which is what I was alluding to in my post where I set the goal initially.</div>
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Life just happens and this summer the key word is going to have to be 'flexible'. It is going to be a great summer. 65MD is going to be able to work from home most days. I love it. I'm sure we'll push some of those long awaited home improvement projects forward and maybe even finish the bedroom floor!!!!</div>
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That just means I am going to have to be much more mindful and deliberate in my actions to reach my goals.</div>
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I haven't been bra shopping other than browsing Amazon. I will collect my reward soon.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-18070777275954034402016-06-01T14:49:00.000-05:002016-06-01T14:49:04.650-05:00I Did It!I reached my goal of averaging 5000 steps per day since coming back from the beach. I actually exceeded my goal by nearly 1000 steps each day. My average was 5931 steps per day. I will be shopping for new underwear soon.<script type="text/javascript">
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Initially, it seemed as though I had to be intentional about taking a walk each day in order to get in enough steps. It seemed to get easier as the days passed. It was a good thing to push. It made me go to the church building one day and walk and to the school gym another day. I find that doing something for the first time is often the hardest time. Now, I've done both and I plan to go back. Both places good and both have their advantages. The church building is closer and has no parking issues. The school has a track specifically for walking, which is better for my hips. Parking isn't much of an issue in the summer. I had trouble with my wifi connection at both places too, making it hard to distract myself by listening to the book I'd selected.</div>
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I knew going in that this first challenge was to get a benchmark and I would up my goals for the next time period. As I was pondering what my goals would be, 65MD announced that he want to trim a few pounds and wants to walk with me at school. That is most exciting for me and I know it will help me stay on track.</div>
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I am setting my next goal to be done by June 15. I had originally thought I'd do monthly goals. But I can already see that my summer will be more unpredictable than the rest of the year. I have a trip next week, to see my nephew graduate from high school. I'm sure that will impact my steps on the days we are there. 65MD is teaching only one class this summer - one night per week at the women's prison! (That is a whole blog post.) It is just too hard to factor in all of the variables and know which ones I can push through, like walking in the airport on travel days and which ones I can't, like hip pain.</div>
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With all of that in mind, my goal is to average 6000 steps per day between today and June 15. I had considered saying I needed to go someplace to walk a certain number of times, but in order to get that many steps in, I will have to go someplace, so that seems redundant. If I meet that goal, I will give myself a new dressy outfit. I'll up my game again for June 16-30 if this gets 'easier' as well.</div>
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BTW, I weighed this morning. I weigh 235.0. That was my pre-vacation weight. I'm not sure if I'll weigh every Wednesday or not. Being the first of the month, it seemed like a good idea. I might weigh again on June 8, I might wait until June 15, or maybe July 1. I'll decide at the time what I want to do. This is not supposed to be about weight. It is supposed to be about health. I confess, I still want it to be about weight!</div>
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Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-35536193275909270262016-05-27T11:17:00.000-05:002016-05-27T11:17:00.381-05:00Could this be Personal Growth?Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that I only had 4879 steps, and I went to bed anyway. It was only 121 steps to my average goal. I could have walked around the house and gotten them. There was a time I would have done that without a second thought. And, I would have estimated the number of steps the nocturnal potty breaks took, or worn the pedometer all night!! Particularly, when I was doing the 1000 mile challenge. Not yesterday. Which is better?<script type="text/javascript">
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Is it a good thing to accept that I just didn't feel up to it yesterday?</div>
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Is it a cop out not to push through and get the measly steps?</div>
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I really don't know. I find myself more and more accepting my limitations; working within them to expand them. This is particularly true with my hips. I had no choice there.</div>
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Still, I'd like to think that letting go of the all or nothing mindset; that perfect or fail approach is a sign of growth. Maybe just maybe progress will still be made. It will be slower and harder to measure. (And I like to measure!) I think, however, that the changes will be permanent. Only time will tell.</div>
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Thoughts?</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-70309047096839858022016-05-26T15:37:00.000-05:002016-05-26T15:37:34.491-05:00Moving Right AlongThe first week back from vacation seems to go by so quickly and the vacation seems so long ago. Still, I've had a good week. I have met my goal of averaging 5000 steps per day. I've actually exceeded it, so last night I began to wonder if I'd set the bar too low. I tried to account for weather delays and one rest day per week when I set the goal. I haven't had those yet. (It rained yesterday but I went to the grocery store and got in plenty of steps!) Sunday is generally my day to relax, which also hasn't come yet. Plus, we have an out of town wedding on Saturday. I'll be in the car for 3+ hours round trip. I decided to leave my goal is is.<script type="text/javascript">
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Then I woke up this morning sore in both my hips. Generally, they take turns. This time, they decided to work as a team and ache. It is nothing like pre-op. It is more of a reminder that I've increased their usage lately, confirming that perhaps the goal is indeed acceptable. It is almost 3:30 as I type this and I'm only at 3600 steps. That is with a trip to the church building to walk for 20 minutes. I am not pushing it. This is the very reason I set my goal as an average of 5000 steps per day rather than walking 5000 steps every day.</div>
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My eating has been quite good. 65MD worked from home until today. We were able to have our big meal midday which my body loves. I've already lost all of my vacation gain. I'm ready to get into new territory finally. (Well, not really new, but numbers I haven't seen in a while ;) ) </div>
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His working from home has allowed some working AT home too. The grout is finally finished! Only my long term readers will understand the significance of that! We're hoping to get the sealer down tomorrow. If it weren't for the out of town wedding we just might be planning to get the moulding installed and furniture moved. I'm fine with taking it one small step at a time. Yahoo for grout! Hopefully, I'll be cheering for the sealant being down in my next post. The floor is looking gorgeous and well worth the wait. Perhaps, I can say the same thing about me in time!!!</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-2733932732371840422016-05-23T11:33:00.000-05:002016-05-23T11:33:00.895-05:00A Week at the Beach65MD and I had a most glorious trip to the beach last week. It was a trip that seemed charmed from the beginning. We flew out on Monday morning and in spite of the tremendous crowd at the airport we got through security and to our gate in plenty of time to rest there before boarding. When we went to pick up our rental car, we learned that they were out of the compact cars we reserved so we got an upgrade and a deal on gasoline for $1.99 per gallon. We brought that baby back empty! Then the hotel gave us a free upgrade to a ocean side balcony room! One night we went to a BBQ place for supper. We ordered a meal to share. It was enough for us to take more than half of it back to the room for lunch the next day. When we got our bill, it turned out that particular meal was on special that night! After that, we were beginning to expect upgrades everywhere we went. But the neatest part of the whole trip was the weather.<br />
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We knew when we left town that rain was predicted every day while we were planning to be there. Afternoon showers often happen at the beach so we weren't concerned. 65MD even said he'd like to see a good storm out over the ocean. He got his wish. We'd just returned to our room after an early supper Tuesday night when a real rip, roaring storm brewed up. We pulled our chairs up to the sliding glass door, that opened on to the ocean view balcony and watched God's fireworks. It was amazing. We were rewarded with a tiny rainbow at the end.<br />
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There were two more storms that came up during the week. After one, we saw a full rainbow. I don't know that I've ever seen a full one. We tried to take pictures but we couldn't get far enough back to capture the whole thing. I took three photographs to get the whole thing. They do not do it justice. As we were standing there admiring the rainbow and discussing its beauty, it turned into a double rainbow! <br />
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We saw one more rainbow in the clouds on our last day. Once again, it was a new sight for me. The sky was blue with puffy clouds and the sun was shining brightly, and between two clouds, there was a rainbow!<br />
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We had plenty of sun and lots of time to enjoy it. I even got in the surf and played in the breakers for a while. That is huge. Last year, I spent a lot of time in the pool because it was the only place I was pain free. This year, I didn't get in the pool at all. I was nervous wading out to the breakers. I almost chickened out when the waves caused the sand to shift under my feet. I don't do well on uneven surfaces. 65MD helped me out into the deeper water where I could actually jump!<br />
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We took lots of beach walks. Much like getting into the deep water in the ocean, it was hard to walk on the soft sand near the buildings. Once I got past that onto the hard packed sand nearer the surf, I would walk all day. On the one day the weather permitted us to take two beach walks, I got in over 16,000 steps. Sadly, when I got back home and tried to take a walk even on the sidewalks, it was much more uneven and there is no way I can replicate that many steps.<br />
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I know that, under the right circumstances, I can get in a lot of steps. Now, my task is to recreate those circumstances. I have a couple of ideas - the school gym, which I haven't used yet, or the church building with its long flat hallways. Both are close; both are free to me. I just need to do it.<br />
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My goal is for the rest of the month to average 5000 steps per day, which will require at least one walk under good conditions or two short walks on the sidewalk. If I accomplish that, I'll reward myself with some new underwear. This is really becoming a necessity rather than a reward, so even though meeting my goal will require effort, it is quite doable. For June, I'll make the goal a little more difficult. If I meet that, I'll give myself a new dressy outfit. <br />
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Other rewards I'm considering are, a new casual outfit and a facial/new make up. My goals will always be something I can control like getting in so many steps or taking a certain number of walks each week. They will NOT be related to the number on the scale. That will probably follow if I meet my movement goals, but it might not. I can't let that dictate how I feel about myself. I already know how it messed up my perceptions at a young age. I won't let it have that kind of control over me again.<br />
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And finally - THANK YOU! I was overwhelmed by the positive feedback I got from every.single.commenter on my last post. I really considered taking it down as soon as I put it up. I felt very vulnerable but there was no need for that. The response was 100% positive. For that, I am grateful.Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-78304940651652461942016-05-12T14:16:00.000-05:002016-05-12T14:16:36.502-05:00A Little DocumentationI thought I'd post a few of those photographs that I discussed in my last post.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUzz7yq8t6jtVI7yX9dd10EOVyJ32cPE9kD2u9_GVElCPGPCYQJ2peBPhfzZbdtVoyXdvxTe146L_nx3Vwv5frWtTLVa66M-wjwyNvo3NNhVdIkfNoPyssXFAbrJjVmwH72p-MSEUIQ6jp/s1600/HighSchoolBand138.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUzz7yq8t6jtVI7yX9dd10EOVyJ32cPE9kD2u9_GVElCPGPCYQJ2peBPhfzZbdtVoyXdvxTe146L_nx3Vwv5frWtTLVa66M-wjwyNvo3NNhVdIkfNoPyssXFAbrJjVmwH72p-MSEUIQ6jp/s320/HighSchoolBand138.jpg" width="222" /></a></div>
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This my senior year of high school. I was a flag girl in the band. This is one of the few shots where my body can be seen. Maybe less than ideal, but not nearly the fatty I thought.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXXmeri_-nWfdQPGxohRvwcgqBlCjA5xre2EVlhw_2wLJZNE_hU61eaAj79bNz_Z0mWSe90FAbaxH_hVlY-NfupGFvGpnl8CjrBWP6ryF9-TPVXLWJy0wOQbnHhIcZjdqIg2WD-q6Ylh2f/s1600/HighSchoolSenior139.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXXmeri_-nWfdQPGxohRvwcgqBlCjA5xre2EVlhw_2wLJZNE_hU61eaAj79bNz_Z0mWSe90FAbaxH_hVlY-NfupGFvGpnl8CjrBWP6ryF9-TPVXLWJy0wOQbnHhIcZjdqIg2WD-q6Ylh2f/s320/HighSchoolSenior139.jpg" width="231" /></a></div>
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This is my senior picture, taken the summer before my senior year. The same summer my mother took me to the doctor for diet pills.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUZhuSC2ZFoGe03Ug4xYRhdU0NX17EnnYGGST8UUsK3bC4fK2tNPuitdlQeMZS39mmdmEWeZj87xnknn2yuxBVoznr8tdWC4C4QkU5mDDvSzzHgcTS1pWGApnYwiDdGobEiHYhW82-tc9l/s1600/CollegeJunior140.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUZhuSC2ZFoGe03Ug4xYRhdU0NX17EnnYGGST8UUsK3bC4fK2tNPuitdlQeMZS39mmdmEWeZj87xnknn2yuxBVoznr8tdWC4C4QkU5mDDvSzzHgcTS1pWGApnYwiDdGobEiHYhW82-tc9l/s320/CollegeJunior140.jpg" width="219" /></a></div>
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This is my junior year in college. She that double chin!?!? No wonder I couldn't get a date.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtEzKDyB9Zvo8IRJEtTQTZMUhdRYUWM7JSZcx3YGGIi3H5lfGCbXO6JdJNxGjEQSOOqcymyjVS4WNql66eEtSrz0VAxbuB3nkFkB53knfRY0Dczc5MfrbQt8XrsDthYrbpDM8GFsUkPDFE/s1600/Mid20%2527s141.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtEzKDyB9Zvo8IRJEtTQTZMUhdRYUWM7JSZcx3YGGIi3H5lfGCbXO6JdJNxGjEQSOOqcymyjVS4WNql66eEtSrz0VAxbuB3nkFkB53knfRY0Dczc5MfrbQt8XrsDthYrbpDM8GFsUkPDFE/s320/Mid20%2527s141.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is my mid to late 20's. I had lost down to 134 at my lowest. I had regained some in this shot. I still thought I was fat because I didn't weigh below 120 like the weight charts said I should. I see collar bones. I don't know what I would have looked like twenty pounds lighter. BTW, this was the era of big hair, but my hair is not quite that big. There is a shadow making my hair look bigger.</div>
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Thoughts?</div>
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*My older sister was photogenic; and, I was not.</div>
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*My older sister was artistic; and, I was not.</div>
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*I was smart.</div>
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*I was clumsy.</div>
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*I was fat.</div>
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It is true that my older sister was and is quite photogenic. I don't know where I got the idea that I wasn't but that simply was not true. I was a cute baby, toddler and little girl just like both of my sisters. We all three went through that awkward middle school transition from little girl to young lady. None of us was any worse than the other. I once called those middle school years "The Big Uglies" in reference to myself. The picture, I most hated from the eighth grade won't win any prizes for beauty, but it isn't horrid beast I remembered. What changed?</div>
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My older sister is a good artist. She was told from a very young age that she was, so she developed that skill. Looking back at my artwork from the early years, it was just as good as hers. I somehow got the message that if she was pretty, or artistic, or anything else, that slot was taken and I could not be 'it' as well. I think that is typical second child behavior. </div>
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I was smart and I have the report cards to prove it. My sisters were too, but they were more social and outgoing. I was more school oriented so I got better grades.</div>
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I was probably a little more clumsy than my sisters because of my hips. There is no real documentation of this. But I was told I was, I believed it so I was.</div>
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Same with being fat. I was NOT fat. I have a round, youthful face. I did not like it growing up because I was always thought to be younger. Of course, I embrace that now, as I was told that I would. The chubby cheeked nature of my face, I think, created a sense of heaviness all over. Since I was not skinny and angular like some of the other children, I must be fat. I got this message from many different sources.</div>
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The children at school called me fat. In the fifth grade, I remember the boys making up a chant and beating the desks in a rhythm chanting "Fat Mama, um, a hubba, hubba." Over and over. It brought tears to my eyes but I would laugh along with them so as not to let them know they'd hurt me. I thought it would make them stop. It didn't. I remember telling my mother and she laughed. That hurt even more. My mother does not remember that and insists that if she laughed it wasn't AT me.</div>
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Still, my mother was constantly on me to lose weight. She took me to the doctor in high school and insisted that he put me on diet pills. This was the era of height/weight charts based on body frames. The weights were quite low particularly since I was considered to have a small frame. I was in the overweight category for my body frame, but I was a long way from obese at that time. That was the first formal eating plan I remember, designed to make me lose weight. I didn't. I gained weight. </div>
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I probably weighed around 145 lbs when I was taken to the doctor. It was probably more than most girls and significantly more than some. I felt fat, but the pictures do not support that feeling. After the episode with the diet pills, I gained nearly 30 pounds. I remember that I graduated from high school weighing 174 lbs. I worked hard to lose weight before starting college. I was able to maintain at 160 to 165. Folks, I looked fine in the pictures from that era. In fact, I'd love to get to that weight and stay now. I think the problem was, I was just bigger and curvier than the other girls around me, so I thought I was fat.</div>
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Although, I am broken hearted for all the wasted years thinking I was fat and I wasn't, I can't change it. I can only move forward from where I am right now. I am telling myself constantly that I am strong fit and healthy. The words we tell ourselves and believe from others are hugely powerful. I am NOT and never was the nerdy, fat, klutz. I weigh more than I should but that does not define me.</div>
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I am not using the scales as a measure of success. I will still weigh, but I'm not sure how often. Instead, I am going to focus on what I can control in addition to the messages I give myself - like going to the gym or walking in the neighborhood. Both things are low hanging fruit right now. The weather is great for a stroll around the neighborhood. School is out so no worries about parking for the gym. I am focusing on being healthy.</div>
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I am also no longer putting off this or that until I lose weight. That is silly. I'll do what I want to when I want to. I need new clothes. I have worn out my larger clothes because I only have a few and refused to buy more at this size. I changed my mind when I saw a woman at the grocery store who was quite attractive. She was dressed quite fashionably, had her hair and nails done nicely and was made up to look her best. She was also a plus sized woman. I know I can look good too if I stop putting off trying until a certain number appears on the scales.</div>
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I'm going to take a few weeks to get some benchmarks for just how much I can comfortably do physically, since the hip issue is real. I dug out my pedometer which needs a new watch battery, which means a trip to the store and thus another day or two on starting that. Once I get an idea of what I can do naturally and comfortably, I'll set some goals to stretch myself. My plan is to have some definite goals to work towards in a few weeks. Then I will do a post with my goals and incentives. Something like walk X times, or average X steps, or go to the gym X times, or maybe some combination. If I reach my goal, I'll get a new outfit. Maybe it will be a smaller size or maybe it won't. I know that I will be stronger, fitter and healthier.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587408959976072541.post-20482457770494417842016-05-06T12:31:00.000-05:002016-05-06T12:31:00.102-05:00The Move that Wouldn't DieOn Friday of last week, April 29, we moved my mother to a lovely new house in a senior living community. I naively believed that the move would take a couple of days and that there would be issues spilling over in to the first of the week, like getting the Internet set up, etc. I was wrong.<script type="text/javascript">
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Friday and Saturday were great days. We hired some of the best movers ever! They moved everything from house to house. They even brought down furniture from the upstairs that was not going to the new house, so that we could get it more easily. They put the furniture where my mother wanted it, and then moved it without complaint when she didn't like it in that spot. (She is still deciding and moving furniture.) </div>
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Also on Friday and Saturday, we had a steady stream of new neighbors welcoming us all to the community. All of them brought gifts, from roses to supper Friday night, to cleaning supplies. I know she is going to love it there once she is through the transition.</div>
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Moving was hard on all of us physically and emotionally. We all had our turns crying and just needing a time out. We all worked together well. No one seemed to get upset when one of us took a break. It was still hard - just plain hard.</div>
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Having moved into her house about 55 years ago, my mother had no idea when she should call to get the utilities transferred. We did all that on Monday after the move. Everything was still in Daddy's name, while the various folks were kind and made the transfers, it was hard. (We did have one issue with the water company but I won't get into that!) </div>
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The new owner put in the contract that we had until May 10 to remove everything from the old house. Anything left after that date, would become their property. Prior to the move, various ones of us had been given pieces of furniture she no longer needed or wanted. All of those and most of the items in Daddy's shed were left. We thought we'd gather them up this week and easily meet the May 10 deadline.</div>
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Life doesn't always go as planned. A lot of the furniture is still there and most of the contents of the shed are still there. We are giving it one last push on Saturday. The plan now is for everyone to get what they can and take it home. Since 65MD and I are closest to the old house, we'll bring all the leftovers to our house for folks to claim later. I'm hoping that is a good idea and we aren't left holding a lot of stuff for a long time. We might also decide that the new owner would enjoy some of those items!</div>
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My younger sister and niece have already gone home. They stayed at the new place with my mother which helped with the transition immensely. It feels strange to all of us. I'm used to her being 2 1/2 miles away. I could be over there in mere minutes in an emergency. Now, she is 15 miles away. On a good day, it will take 20 minutes. I feel as though I've lost my bearings somehow. </div>
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I understand that I'm going through a grieving process. It will just take time to work through it. I think we will all be happier in the end.</div>
Lorihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06348740719854853661noreply@blogger.com5