My Journey Through Deepest, Darkest Weight Loss

Monday Mileage

2012-03-05T09:52:00.002-06:00

As of the end of the day yesterday, I have just over 147 miles logged for 2012. The cooler weather has returned so I won't be able to walk outside. OK, maybe I'm able, but I still won't!!! The temps are more the norm for this time of year, so I can't really complain. I also know that as soon as the warmer weather arrives, I will be right out there. I'll be making up mileage and getting ahead as much as possible all summer. I can't wait!

A Sudden Change

2012-03-03T12:50:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, due to the threat of severe weather our office closed at noon. The storm was predicted to arrive at 2:00 CST, but didn't arrive until 4:00 to 4:30 in our area. All that to say, I got home just after 12:00 and had a fabulous, spot on day with eating. I found myself a little envious of my 'stay at home' friends. I thought if I could stay at home, I could do so much better with my eating. I wouldn't have to try and guess how hungry I might be or how much protein would satisfy me. I could more easily use the hunger/fullness scale discussed in the book, and just be a little more in tune with my body and its cycles rather than the clock and the office cycles. Alas, that isn't going to happen any time soon, so I'm thankful for little bright spots like yesterday.

As I said, I did great. So, I was quite surprised by the turn of events yesterday. The bloating and belly distention that I mentioned yesterday continued in to the evening. After the storm passed and we assessed the damage (which I'll mention at the end for those that care to read it), 65MD and I decided to watch some netflix. I made myself some peach flavored green tea and a nice little nest on the couch. I settled in for some relaxation. As I lay there, I had one hand resting on my tummy and I began to feel rumblings both internally and externally with my hand. The rumblings got louder and louder. We had to turn up the volume just to hear over that noise.

I won't get in to what happened next, it wasn't pretty. I've never been lactose intolerant before. I don't know if this is a normal occurrence after adding dairy back or if I've been mildly lactose intolerant all along and just didn't realize it. It really doesn't matter, because I'm not doing that again! I had already decided to find another probiotic. This morning when the scales bounced up, it sealed the deal for me. I can't do this anymore.

I am sorely disappointed. I really thought this was the way for me. I might try again down the road away, but right now I have a wedding in my near future. I can't be bloated for that. I have some hcg so, I'm going to do that between now and the wedding. I'll use this time to contemplate my next step. It could be tweaking the 17 Day Diet a bit, or something else. I don't know yet.

**Storm News**
We have golf ball sized hail pummel us for several minutes yesterday afternoon. We spent some time in the basement (coal bunker) and emerged unharmed physically. We lost two dining room windows since they are on the west side of the house; some guttering, which is scattered in tiny pieces all over the yard, and both cars are dented, along with the usual tree limbs down. The only thing that makes me a little sad is that the shiny, freshly restored '65 Mustang got some dents from the hail. Otherwise, I am extremely grateful. Hearing those hailstones hit the house was a sound I don't want to hear again. Here's a shot of some partially melted hail, along with a pen for perspective.

This & That

2012-03-02T11:19:00.000-06:00

I've done well complying with the 17DD. I've yet to give in to that craving for almonds. My biggest issue has been getting in three cups of green tea. So far, I've had one each day. I mentioned to 65MD that I really wasn't fond of green tea, and had gotten a few ideas as to how to make it more palatable. Adding a 'regular' tea bag seems to be the best option so far.

Ever the supportive husband, he went in search of other alternatives to assist me with enjoying the tea a little more. He discovered that most folks add something to it. And he also came home with three varieties of green tea for me to try. I really, really appreciate the thoughtfulness of that gesture. He wants me to be successful and he wants to help me get there. I have got a great husband. I tell him that regularly, I also tell him what a great wife he has! ;-)

I'm creeping down the scales and I'm trying to be satisfied with that. I knew in my head that this would be slower than hcg, but my heart still secretly wanted to believe differently. As long as the scales move down, I'm fine. If I'm making progress, I'm happy.

I do have one concern though. My belly is bloated. I've got that pregnant look again. I think it is the yogurt. I didn't eat much dairy, mostly because it isn't a part of the hcg plan, and most of it I could take or leave. I like yogurt, cheese, etc, but it never has been anything I crave. When I cut it out for hcg, it was one of the easier things to leave behind. I never had added it back in. I'm going to switch to another probiotic over the weekend. (I'll have to go to the store to get it.) I'll see if that does the trick.

I can't help but think that there is weight associated with the belly bulge. My heart still wants a big drop in pounds and hopes that making a switch will create that. My head just wants the belly gone again. BTW, I'm going to the bathroom just fine, so that isn't my problem. Anyone else experience anything like this?

A Craving and a Conundrum

2012-03-01T10:22:00.000-06:00

I am craving almonds. They had become my snack of choice during low carb. It is easy to keep a can of plain, unsalted almonds in my desk drawer for the afternoon lull. It seemed like a healthy choice and just a small handful took care of the afternoon munchies that often hit. I never felt bad about having a few. Oddly, though I don't recall ever thinking "Boy, I sure would like some almonds." or "I can't wait for my afternoon snack of almonds." They were just a good option for me. I'd like to think this is a good thing, but instead I think this is just a thing, neither good nor bad.

Secondly, I can't quite figure out this walking thing. Until I was able to walk out side once last week and again this week, I got just over 7000 steps per day. I need 8146 to get to my goal of 2.7 per day. That seemed so elusive. I achieved that goal a time or two but never consistently. One day last week, it was gorgeous and I took a walk during lunch. That day I shattered all my records and walked 14,686!!! That is a personal best that I don't see myself surpassing any time soon.

On Monday of this week, I was able to go outside for another walk. I walked 3 laps around our parking lot. It was not quite 2000 steps. Adding that to my typical 7000 steps, I was expecting 9000. Instead I got 12,090. Then on Tuesday I took another stroll around the parking lot and racked up another almost 2000 steps and ended the day at 11,844. I had book club last night, so I wasn't able to walk quite so much. But still...how is it that I walk about 2000 extra steps at lunch but end the day with nearly 5000 extra steps?

On Wednesday, it rained. I did my best walking around the office but didn't quite get to 7000 before leaving the office. The math just doesn't work. If I only cut out 2000 parking lot steps, I should still be knocking on the door of 10,000 at the end of the day. Instead, at bedtime last night I had nearly 8000, which was back to my typical pre-lunch walk steps. The math just doesn't work. I am certain of my parking lot count because I tested that figure a couple of times.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. I'm quite excited. I'd just like to know what is going on. I want to replicate it. I think that maybe the lunchtime walk boosts my energy so much that I walk more without realizing it. Could that be it? I'm open to other theories. In the meantime, we're expecting a sunny day today, so I'll be strolling the parking lot at lunch!

17 Day Diet Report

2012-02-29T10:59:00.000-06:00

I started the 17DD on Monday as planned. I was mentally ready. For me, getting my mind in the game is the biggest factor for success. So on Monday I had my food planned and ate just as I should. During the afternoon, I began to feel something akin to hunger. It wasn't a stomach growling, I must eat sort of feeling, just an emptiness in my stomach.

I must say, I sort of liked that feeling. It was not a bad feeling. It made me realize that I'd taken back control when it came to food. I had, too often over the last few days, felt overfull and bloated. I much prefer the lighter feeling. I began to think about how that would make a good blog post but I never could quite articulate it well enough to make a full post of it. I liked it and I was glad.

Yesterday, I planned my food much as I had on Monday. Whn I find something that works for me and I stick with it. This is one of those areas I plan to address, but not right now, :) During the afternoon, I got hungry but not like Monday. I.got.hungry! My stomach was growling loudly. It was embarrassing. I had nothing for a snack at work, so I had to just tough it out. I drank and drank water trying to keep my stomach from being completely empty.

Both of these experiences led me to believe that I really don't know the right amount of food satisfies me. With the hcg, my food was very strictly controlled and the hunger was managed by the hormone. With low carb, I kept nuts around for a little snack here and there. With this plan, I've got to be a little more deliberate. There is nothing I can stash in my desk drawer for those little 'emergencies.'

Today, I have made a few tweaks like adding protein and spreading things out a bit. I'll see how that works and make adjustments as needed. So far, the scales have responded favorably, but I'm not saying until after the full 17 days have elapsed.

Now if I could just get my sinuses and the weather to cooperate, I'll be in fine shape.

Moday Mileage

2012-02-27T10:53:00.001-06:00

As of the end of the day yesterday, I had 126 miles. Damp and chilly weather returned over the weekend and I developed a sinus infection, so I was unable to sustain the number of steps I got last Thursday. I didn't expect too. When spring is here to stay look out! I'm ready. I have a pair of walking shoes at work ready for any suitable day that comes along.

In spite of my less than 100% health at the moment, I started the 17 Day Diet today. I don't want to waste any more time. I was mentally prepared to start today. Delaying would have served no purpose. I am trying to keep my expectations in check, because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. At the same time, I haven't been this excited about a food plan in a long time.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2012-02-24T09:19:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a fabulous spring-like day. The skies were sunny and the temps were in the 70's. There was a nice breeze. It was so gorgeous it was easy to forget that it is still February.

I took full advantage of the day. After eating my healthy lunch from home, I donned my walking shoes and did a few laps around the parking lot. It was great for the body and the mind. My attitude and I think productivity were much better after the walk. I had just ticked over 12,000 steps when I left the office! By bedtime I had well over 14,000 steps.

I know that it is still winter so I can't expect to walk outside at lunch but it was so nice to get this little glimpse of spring and know what is ahead. I know I'll get a lot more steps in then. By the time spring is here to stay, I should be well in to the 17 Day Diet as well. Look out world!

Perspective

2012-02-23T10:30:00.003-06:00

Perspective is a funny thing. I think we all get ideas in our heads that may or may not be accurate but that doesn't matter. It is our reality. It happened to me yesterday.

After I published by blog, I got very down on myself. I kept thinking about how I was blowing nearly three years of hard work with poor choices lately. Then I got down on myself for taking nearly two years to lose 30 lbs. It was a downward spiral. One thought led to another and by the time I started to prepare my evening meal, I was really in a state of despair.

I pulled out the food I planned to eat but began to think that it really didn't matter if I ate that or not. I would blow it sooner or later anyway. Somehow, I had the idea that I'd had a reckless eating day already, so I might as well just cap the day off with a treat. I decided to tally what I'd eaten during the day. It wasn't to see if I could fit in a treat calorie or carbwise. It was to confirm that it just didn't matter.

Funny thing happened though...I discovered that I had a spot on day with my eating. I'd had exactly what I needed to have for the 17DD! I was stunned. I had built up this whole false reality and was ready to turn that lie in to the truth. I was shocked, relieved and a little concerned. Shocked that I'd believed something so completely that was absolutely not true. Relieved that I wasn't the horrible person I'd decided that I was. And finally, a little concerned as to the number of times I'd fallen for the lie!

Of course, I went ahead with the meal I'd planned and was pleased with myself. Then I got encouraging comments from Sharon and Karen. These two ladies are a couple of my longest term blog buddies. I appreciate and respect them very much. This morning, I feel so much better about myself. That's why I love blogging.

The Dichotomy That Is Me

2012-02-22T15:01:00.000-06:00

I don't really know what to make of myself lately. I am a living, breathing contradiction. Yesterday I walked 10,448 steps. That is a personal best for me. I've had two days over 9000 but until yesterday had not cracked the 10,000 step mark. Hooray & yahoo!! Not so fast!! I got several of those steps eating a girl scout cookie! What in the world?!?!? Why would anyone in their right mind eat a cookie while exercising. I don't know.

This isn't the first time that I've done something good and then something not so good in rapid succession. In all honesty, I've had a hard time getting on track and staying on track since Valentine's Day. I really, truly believed that I would successfully pre-start the 17 Day Diet on Monday. It should not have been hard at all to add in a couple of yogurts each day. That was really the only major change I was going to make this week. Next week, I was going to narrow the protein choices and officially start.

Those two items are the biggest difference in the way I eat now anyway. It should have been easy. Instead, I have been all over the map with my eating. There haven't been those epic mental battles about should I or shouldn't I. I just do it. I think what alarms me the most is my attitude about it. It is just an "Oh well, life happens, move on." Maybe that is a good attitude, maybe not. It is foreign to me.

The old me would have towed the line without flaw. I would be proudly polishing my bright, shiny armor thinking about just how good I am. How I can do anything I set my mind to and lots of self righteous stuff like that. And, if I discovered one teeny tiny chink in that armour, I'd be all to pieces. All I could ever see was that one chink, no matter how small. I'd do my best to pound it out, or worse, cover it up.

I'm not so much like that any more. I'm much more forgiving of myself which is a great thing. But, I don't know where that ends and giving myself carte blanche begins. Now that armour is so dented that it looks like it has been in a hailstorm. I'm looking for pretty patterns in the dents rather than trying to pound them out, and I'm certainly not covering them up.

I hope that this is a more 'normal' way of thinking, rather than the all or nothing way I've thought my whole life. There are good things happening. I ate A girl scout cookie while walking, not a A SLEEVE of girl scout cookies. I like myself a little bit better these days, if that makes any sense. I like not being so uptight. I like not being so controlled. I'm hoping that this anything goes type feeling I'm having right now is really just seems that way because it is so different. I don't know what it feels like to relax a bit without going head first into the deep end the other way.

Tell me...am I right or am I deluding myself?

Another Shopping Experience

2012-02-21T15:57:00.000-06:00

I had a gift card that was expiring soon so I decided to go shopping on Saturday and spruce up my wardrobe. The only thing I needed was a slip, so I had a blank slate as far as what I wanted to explore. I thought I'd start looking at the size 12 or M, since I really don't know my size, even without considering all the vanity sizing going on these days. The first thing that caught my eye was a purple and black leopard print blouse. Alas, it was a size 6. It would be too small. But...as I looked at it, I thought that maybe it would fit. It seemed to be the size of the clothes I'm currently wearing. I took it to the dressing room and lo & behold, it fit! I wound up not buying it as it really didn't do much for me on, so I kept looking.

I had a vague notion that I'd like one of those long sweater tops and some leggings. Now is a good time of year to buy winter clothes since they're usually marked down. I ventured over to that rack and got even more confused. I finally selected several options in sizes S, M & L. They all looked bad! That is not a style my body is meant to wear, so back to the drawing board...

I'll spare all the boring details about everything I tried on, but at some point I stopped looking at sizes and just tried to decide if it would fit by holding it up. I was at a major retailer, not a consignment store or thrift store. It was totally bumfuzzling!

This is what I would up with, how it fit and the size:
*Black dress, with a fitted bodice; it fit a little tight; it was a size 10
*Royal blue dress; it fight tight; it was a size 14
*Black gold scoop necked dress: fit perfectly and looked great; it was a Large
*Funky retro v-neck top; fit perfectly; it was a Medium
*Gold, button up collared blouse; it fit loose, so loose I looked to see if I'd picked up a maternity top!; it was a Small

Yes, I bought clothes size 10, 14, small, medium & large! What is a girl to do!?!?

Monday Mileage

2012-02-20T10:21:00.004-06:00

As of the end of the day yesterday, I have just over 106 miles. Yeah baby, I broke the 100 mile barrier! I had another personal best day of 9229 steps, which for me is over 3 miles.

I am proud of myself. I have set little goals, like 3000 steps before lunch and 6000 before leaving work. Most of the time I meet those goals, although not all of the time. Once I get to the point that those little goals are too easy, I'll bump them up.

All of us are keeping each other excited about the challenge. I've never participated in anything like this before. I've always kept my diet and fitness goals to myself. I was too afraid of failure and displaying it to everyone else. I feel like this is a huge breakthrough with those perfectionistic tendencies I have.

I set myself out there with a fairly lofty goal. I'm slowly, slowly working towards it, but I'm not 'on pace' with where I thought I should be. That's OK. I understand now, that this is a process. I'll work up to more and more steps which will add up to more and more miles. I could walk 1000 miles this year. It is possible. It is also possible that I don't. That is OK too. The important thing is personal growth. That is happening.

The 17 Day Diet

2012-02-18T17:02:00.000-06:00

I finally got the book from the library on Wednesday, after being on the wait list for what seemed like forever! I started reading it right away and realized that this is just that for which I'd been looking. I went on amazon and bought the book! It should be here early next week. That's OK, I've got plenty of time to keep the library book until my own arrives.

I'm definitely going to do this plan and I believe it is just what I need to get right on down to my goal weight. The plan appeals to me on several levels:
1. It is much like what I eat now, with a few minor tweaks, like more food.
2. It makes sense to me that my body adapts to whatever I'm doing so I need to change periodically
3. It seems to be a sane and sensible way to eat.

I'm a little sad that some obligations late next week will prohibit me from starting right now. It seems silly to start when I know that I won't be able to comply for more than one meal at the end of the week. I'm doing what I'm calling a soft start. I'm going to start incorporating the probiotics into my diet right now. That is the biggest change from my current way of eating. I'm going to allow myself beef & pork for the week too, but only because it is on hand and I need to eat it.

Beginning on next Monday, I'll start day one of the first 17 day cycle. I can get all the way through two cycles and most of the way through the third before my sister's wedding on April 7.

I have a question for those of you experienced with this plan. Can I really expect to lose 10+ pounds during the first cycle? I know that a much larger person just starting on a program could, but I've been at this nearly three years now and am very close to my goal. The last thing I want to do is create an unrealistic expectation and set myself up for failure. So...talk to me...what is reasonable?

I am excited and ready. All I have to do now is just do it!

The Waffles

2012-02-15T15:48:00.000-06:00

We did indeed have waffles for supper last night. My considerate husband actually bought gluten free pancake/waffle mix. He knew that carbs were a limited portion of my diet and thought that would be a better choice. I don't have celiac disease, so it really didn't matter. It was, however, extremely thoughtful. And, I must say, the waffles were delicious!!!

He also bought sausage and bacon. He knew that protein=good, but was a little concerned about the processed meat. So he bought both. Yes, I had both last night, and yes, the scales were up this morning. It was so worth it. We had a very pleasant evening.

I must confess at this point that the entire weight gain cannot be blamed on that meal. I pre-cheated all day! This is another one of those areas where I thought the battle was done. I can't remember the last time I pre-cheated. But yesterday, people kept bringing candy to the office! That is the downside to working in such a generous office. I succumbed to the pressure and had several pieces of candy. It happened. I'm not happy that it happened, but I'm also not that upset about it.

I think this is one of those strange things that happen from time to time. I'm going to have to remain diligent about the pre-cheating but I haven't spent much time beating myself up over it. I feel like I'm on track to get the rest of this weight off. My sister's wedding is April 7. That is big motivation for me. I may not be at goal then, but I'll be much closer than I am now. That's for sure.

I also picked up the 17 day diet book at the library today. So many of my blog friends have recommended it, and I've been on the wait list forever. I'm expecting great things. I can't wait to dig in to it. 65MD has even said he might join me.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2012-02-14T10:17:00.000-06:00

65MD asked me on Sunday if I wanted to go out to eat tonight. I said that I didn't. I didn't want to be out in the crowds. Instead, I said I would much rather us have a nice evening at home. In fact, I thought it would be a good idea for him to prepare our evening meal. I even said that I would suspend any eating rules I had for the meal. He could make whatever he wanted and I would eat it. Then I had second thoughts!!!

Sometimes his menu selections are, let's just say, odd. I decided to channel his thoughts a bit and suggested that he make something special from our history. I reminded him of the time when we were newly dating and he made waffles. I meant that as a suggestion to get his mind moving in that direction. I was hoping that he'd think of something else we'd eaten together on a special occasion, or had a special meaning for just the two of us. Apparently, he heard "Please make waffles for me on Valentine's Day." Last night he mentioned something about having waffles for supper tonight.

So, I will happily eat waffles tonight and enjoy the company of the man I love, knowing that he only wants to give me what I want. It makes me smile even thinking about it as I type. I'm one lucky girl. I won't let a few extra carbs ruin my happiness.

I hope all of my readers are equally blessed. Have a happy day.

Monday Mileage

2012-02-13T13:29:00.000-06:00

I have logged 90 miles as of yesterday. Four days last week, I registered a personal best for steps.

I had an all day retreat on Saturday for strategic planning at work. It really blew my record. I knew going in that I would be largely sedentary for most of the day. I told myself that if I got 3000 steps in that I'd be glad. I got almost 4000. I was pleased with myself and how I'd set a goal for myself and tried to keep myself challenged in less than ideal circumstances. I guess I got a little too pleased with myself because I barely cracked 2500 steps yesterday.

I did the same thing with eating over the weekend. Breakfast & lunch were provided on Saturday. I had my own breakfast and skipped the carb-fest of muffins & bagels some people think of as a meal. For lunch, there were two salad options. I had some of both. I really did not care for the sandwich & chips, although they looked fine. I really, truly wanted the salad. I wanted the crispy, crunch of the greens over the chips. There was no internal mental battle at all. Go me!!

Not so fast...the next thing I realized there were empty candy wrappers in front of me. During the afternoon, bowls of mini chocolate candy bars were on our table. I ate at least 4 before coming to, and realizing what I was doing. I did struggle not to eat more as the afternoon progressed.

I don't know what is going on with me. I recognize growth on the one hand with setting reasonable expectations of myself and truly preferring a healthy option. BUT, on the other hand, I ate candy with no real conscious consideration. When I did consider it; I wanted it! I wanted the candy as much or more than I wanted the salad. It is such a contradiction. I'm not sure how to deal with this, since I've always been all or nothing, on or off, etc. Is this a good thing? Is this moderation? I don't know!

My Slip Fell Off

2012-02-07T09:34:00.000-06:00

I'm one of those women that still wears a slip and hosiery particularly when I want a more polished look. Sometimes, like today, I'm glad for an extra layer as well.

This morning on my way in to the building from the car, I encountered a co-worker and we walked in together. I felt something brushing my lower leg but thought it was my heavy coat. I don't wear it very often and thought that the coat came down longer than I remembered. We chatted about her daughter's drama with clothes this morning as we made our way into the building.

We continued to chat as we hung our coats up and were joined by another co-worker. Just as I realized that it couldn't be my coat brushing my legs the second co-worker commented on how nice I looked. I thanked her as I looked down to see what might be brushing my leg and saw my slip! It was almost at my ankles by then. I'm not sure what was keeping it from falling all the way to the floor. We all had a good laugh to start the day.

Monday Mileage

2012-02-06T12:55:00.002-06:00

I have just over 75 miles logged so far this year. I had a personal best on Friday with nearly 3 miles! Although the scales have stalled a bit, I'm feeling thinner. I'm also thinking that I look thinner. I do NOT think I am building muscle because I'm not really doing anything to make that happen. Wii fit boxing will get my heart rate up if I push myself, as does the hula hoop and some of the other 'games' but I'm not doing anything weight bearing. I think my body is just going through one of those weird anomalies. I've got my plan and I'm working it. The scales will catch up.

I think I'm going to encounter more and more of these anomalies as I approach my goal. That's one reason I decided to let the weekly weight report go. Being healthy is what is most important, although looking nice is a pleasant side effect.

cheatsad

2012-02-02T08:48:00.000-06:00

I read a lot of blogs. More than I want to confess at this time. I try to be encouraging and comment along the way. I know that makes me feel good, and I hope it makes others feel good too. So, I was leaving a comment earlier on a blog with word verification and this came up for me to enter '"cheatsad"! I had to chuckle to myself and I had to share it.

Monthly Weigh In

2012-02-01T15:13:00.000-06:00

I just about forgot my new plan to post my weight the first of each month.

Today the scales said 173.4. I really would have like to been below 170, since I can't seem to get out and stay out of the 170's. Even though I say I'd like to see a lower number. I'm not all wound up in it. I'll get there.

Encouragement

2012-01-31T12:23:00.000-06:00

I am lucky to work among encouragers. The 1000 Mile Challenge started at work, so everyone in the office is aware of it, even if they are not participating. Those of us that accepted the challenge each have our own methods for getting to the goal. We keep each other motivated with charts and a friendly competition.

For instance, yesterday one woman realized she'd slipped back more than she thought so she ran two miles at lunch. She lives very close to the office so she was able to go home, change in to running clothes, run two miles, refreshen a bit, and returned to work with some pink in her cheeks. I was proud of her, and also a little envious that she could look so good after a two mile run! We were all proud of her and told her so.

Our Executive Director, my boss, it about as excited as any non-participant. He's constantly asking us how many miles we have. He knows that I get a lot of steps in taking the long way around to where ever I'm going. I can get 200 steps in just going to the ladies' room if I do a lap around the conference room. He thinks it is great. He have even come up with a couple of ways for me to get in extra steps. He suggested more than once a lap around the parking lot. I've agreed as soon as it is warm enough, which could be today.

Every day, I get comments from various co-workers congratulating me on sticking with the plan. The conference room is being called "The Gym" by a few folks. One woman even asked why I wasn't walking down her hall. All in all it has been a very good experience. I am extremely grateful for those people. I know not everyone works in such an environment. But there is one fly in the ointment. There is one woman that is apparently irritated by this.

Initially, she made comments in jest, but they had a barb to them. I'm sure we've all experience that. Knowing that the laughter is not genuine, but to cover up the ugly truth. This woman has actually yelled at me as I've walked around the conference room. Although it is hurtful, I probably could brush it off as she is the only negative voice among the many, if I didn't consider her a friend. Nor is this the first time she's cast aspersions at my weight loss techniques.

If I were doing something harmful to lose weight, I realize it would take a true friend to stand up and point out the error of my ways. Trying to walk 2.7 miles per day is not harmful. I can only surmise as to what the problem is. I think it is because 3 years ago, I was bigger than her and now I'm smaller. She and I started plenty of diets/lifestyle changes/eating plans together in the time we've known each other. I have finally found success. I'm not quite to my goal, but I have managed to keep a large amount of weight off for a couple of years and I'm on my way to my goal weight.

I think that she's frustrated and angry about that. I think she's ruing the lost opportunities. I've tried to address it with her, but she denies it. This whole thing really is very hurtful to me. I felt as though we were genuine friends, but now I fear a fracture in the relationship. I'm not sure if it can be repaired.

I have stopped talking about my struggles with her because I remember how it feels to not be the one losing weight. I remember many times, hearing someone talking about needing to lose 10 or 20 pounds and think I'd love to have that problem. I don't want to add to her frustrations, but I can't live my life walking on egg shells. I know what I'm doing is the right thing. I can only extend my hand in friendship and hope that she is able to come around.

Monday Mileage

2012-01-30T09:37:00.002-06:00

I have 61 miles under my belt as of yesterday. Currently, since it is cold and rainy so much of the time, I can't quite get to the goal of 2.7 miles per day. My goal now is on Monday through Friday try to get more steps in than the previous day. Today, I'll try to get in more steps than I did on Friday. Tomorrow more than today, etc. Saturdays are so unpredictable for me, that my goal now is to get in more steps this Saturday than last Saturday and the same goal for Sundays.

I think that is a reasonable and attainable goal for now. Once the weather breaks in about a month to 6 weeks, I'll be able to log more miles outside and get to where I'd like to be with the mileage. I'm feeling strong and not overburdened by my goals, so I think that is good.

Happy Monday!

I Wanted to EAT!

2012-01-27T09:46:00.000-06:00

I've been on this journey for almost three years now. I started with hcg and have followed their protocol of using the hcg for a time period and taking a break for a time period. This is to keep the body from developing an 'immunity' to the hcg. I've used the in between times to explore other eating plans, hoping to find the one that would serve me for the rest of my life. One that I could follow to maintain my weight loss. Each plan had varying degrees of success. Mostly, I think, because I was doing for the short term. Some just weren't right for me to be sure, but even the ones that worked weren't going to sustain me when I considered them temporary.

I would count the days remaining. I would try to guess how much weight I'd lose by that date. I'd think about the food I was missing that could be added back in x number of days. Somehow this mental track was always running in the back of my mind. I knew to the ounce how much weight I'd lost and how much I had to go to get to my goal. When I would change plans and what I'd eat differently.

Slowly, slowly during this time my mind has changed. Slowly, slowly, I've come to the realization that this truly is a lifetime situation. Not a 3 week or 6 week temporary plan, but an every single day for the rest of my life plan. The difference this time has been startling. I restarted the hcg on December 31, and have been 100% compliant with the plan every day. I hesitate to use the word easy because it still isn't. It was sort of like slipping on a glove. It fit and felt comfortable. I knew what to do and I did it.

Now, I feel smaller and healthier, but I'd have to think to tell anyone the number of pounds I've lost. I'm not counting the remaining days on hcg, although it is marked on the calendar. I eat what I plan, when it is time and don't spend time obsessing about food. I don't pine away for some missed food item, which is never as good as I thought it would be anyway. I just do what I need to do with regard to eating. It is a small blip on the radar now. I think that is the way it should be.

Even with the quiet confidence that has somehow grown inside without me noticing, yesterday I.wanted.to.eat! I wasn't hungry. My stomach wasn't growling. It wasn't time. I just wanted food. It was like a monster awoke from somewhere deep inside and tried to take over. I wanted food and a lot of it. I didn't care what it was. I wanted it. This wasn't a craving or a fixation with a certain food item it was any food, just a whole lot of it. I am happy to say I did not succumb. I stuck to my plan and feel good about myself and my decisions, but this was a little unnerving. I wanted to pile in a whole lot of something - anything!

The lesson for me, is not to get too comfortable. Not to ever think I've beaten the monster that lives inside. The monster that tries to derail my success. There will be battles in the future even at my goal weight. Some I win and some I won't, but each day I hope to grow stronger while the monster grows weaker.

Interesting Article

2012-01-26T08:49:00.000-06:00

Since I have devoted so much of this blog to ranting about clothing sizes, I thought this article would be appropriate to include.

The article is a little long, so here's the best part. IMO

The ASTM recommendations have evolved over time to accommodate a very real trend: vanity sizing. Women don’t want to know their real size, so manufacturers re-label bigger sizes with smaller numbers. In 1958, for example, a size 8 corresponded with a bust of 31 inches, a waist of 23.5 inches and a hip girth of 32.5 inches. In ASTM’s 2008 standards, a size 8 had increased by five to six inches in each of those three measurements, becoming the rough equivalent of a size 14 or 16 in 1958. We can see size inflation happening over shorter time spans as well; a size 2 in the 2011 ASTM standard falls between a 1995 standard size 4 and 6. (This may also explain why smaller sizes are constantly invented. The 1958 standard listed 8 as its smallest size. The 1995 ASTM standard listed a size 2. In 2011, ASTM lists a standard for size 00.)

Go Me!

2012-01-25T17:38:00.001-06:00

I finally had a day when I not only reached my goal of 2.7 miles. I exceeded it. I got 2.86! Yahoo!!!

Now, if work would just calm down, I'd be better.

Monday Mileage

2012-01-23T09:45:00.002-06:00

I have logged 46.5 miles so far this year. I've gained a reputation at work for taking the long way around wherever I have to go in the office. I have also been making more trips between the dryer and the bedroom and such as that in order to get more steps in each day.

On Thursday, I noticed mid-afternoon that I had a high number of steps. I knew if I pushed myself, I would get a record number of steps for the day and I did. Then on Friday, I decided to beat that number of steps and I did! On Saturday, I was unable to beat Friday's record. I was OK with that. I know that I spent my time wisely. I did not laze around or anything like that. I just had obligations that kept me from getting in quite so many steps. That's life. That happens.

I am getting the most steps in each day that the day allows. I am challenging myself to get better, but I'm not all caught up in it. I'm not judging my worth by my pedometer. I may get to 1000 miles by December 31 and I may not. I know that I'll be pleased with myself if I keep simply doing the very best I can.

Monday Mileage

2012-01-16T09:21:00.002-06:00

I have logged 32.5 miles so far this year. I am still looking for that kick in the pants to get me motivated and get the miles in. So far, I've done a lot better in coming up with excuses as to why I'm not. I really am hoping this is just the winter doldrums and once we have a few nice days, I'll be able to start catching up.

Tag

2012-01-14T13:33:00.000-06:00

Joy tagged me yesterday in a little game that is making its way through our cyber-circles. This isn't the tag that we played as children where running is invovled. This is more like what we called "Slam Books" in the 7th grade. I must say I loved those things.

The rules to this game of tag are:
1. Post these rules.

2. You must post 11 random things yourself.

3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.

4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

5. Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.

6. No stuff in the tagging section about "you are tagged if you are reading this."

Rule 1, done. Rule 2, 11 things:

I am almost always cold. Right now I have on four undershirts, a sweater and a hoodie above the waist. I'm still chilly.
I get my hair highlighted every 5 weeks.
I have gone to the same church since I was 9.
My cell phone is a prepaid minutes plan.
I run Linux on my computer at home.
I got a heating pad and a heated throw for Christmas. See Random item number 1.
We have a dog that is almost 15 years old. (His birthday is February 2.)
I wear only one contact lens.
I have only one pair of blue jeans, on purpose.
I have only one pair of dress pants, on purpose.
Summer is my favorite season.

Rule 3:
If money wasn't an option, what would you do for a living? Own a bakery, if I actually had to work. Otherwise, I'd be happily retired.
What is the one thing you are really afraid to to? Start my own business
What brings you the most joy? My family
What exercise is your favorite? This is a hard one. I don't like to exercise - at least not yet. I'll say aerobics, since I taught it in the 80's!
What is the one thing that pushed you to start your weight loss & fitness plans? I wanted to skydive.
What keeps you motivated? Sadly, seeing the scale go down. I know I need to find another motivation, but that & smaller clothes seem to be the biggies.
Who inspires you? You! All of my followers and the bloggers I follow.
Are you a hugger? When was the last time you got hugged? I'm not really a hugger, except when it comes to 65MD. The last time was just a few minutes ago. That will probably be true no matter what time this post is read.
What would your perfect day look like? It would be on a beach on a bright sunny day. I'd have no agenda and do what I felt like doing when I felt like doing it.
Are you going to reach your goals? If so, what's your plan? Yes, I will reach my goals and probably very soon. My plan is to do whatever works for as long as it works. When that stops working, find something else that does work.

Rule 4:

What is your fondest childhood memory?
What is your favorite color?
What is your favorite on plan meal?
What is your favorite exercise?
Which do you prefer summer or winter?
What makes you laugh the most?
What is your dream job?
What did you eat for supper last night?
Are you happy? If not, what would it take to be happy?
Are you allergic to anything?
What is your biggest surprise about blogging?

Rule 5:
Sharon
Staci
Tim
Dawn
Helen
Patrick

Sandy
Julie
Tish
Kimberlyn

Unfortunately, I'm not able to complete Rule 5 because something (my computer?, blogspot?) has decided that I can't post comments. I hope those I tagged see themselves here and follow through. It's fun.

It Isn't Working!

2012-01-11T16:15:00.000-06:00

I've been motivating myself for virtually my entire life by accepting nothing less that perfection. For me achieving 100% really was just average. I wanted to be just a little bit better 110% was much more what I expected of myself. I am working very hard to shed that mindset. Right now, I am struggling with that with regard to the whole walking thing.

Now that I've allowed myself to walk less than 2.7 miles. I really don't care if I walk or not. After all, I've got a whole year practically to walk 1000 miles. So far, I have pushed myself and made myself walk. But thoughts like: "I'll get a lot of steps in at the beach in April. I don't really need to push it now." creep in to my mind. Last night's workout was mental torture. The whole time I kept up this internal dialog about how long and hard I should go.

Here's the deal. I had NO excuses last night. I got home from work on time. I had no commitments last night at all. I had plenty of time. I could have worked out for an hour. I just didn't want to. I got in about 45 minutes counting the Wii weigh in time. But if I distilled it down to true hard work out time, more like 20 minutes.

Some how the drive is gone. I've swung to the 'nothing' end of the 'all or nothing' mindset. Giving myself goals of a healthier body don't help. It is too nebulous and far away. Nor do new clothes or things like that. My goodness, I have a wedding coming up in April. That should be motivating enough but it isn't. It is too far away I think.

I need short term measurable goals, preferably ones with a small reward attached. Like if I exercise 3 days per week I get x. I don't know what x is though. I need some ideas. Got any? What works for you?

Monday Mileage & Musing on Moderation

2012-01-09T09:39:00.000-06:00

How's that for alliteration!!!

As of midnight last night I had 21.6 miles. My pedometer resets at midnight, I didn't stay up trying to get in a few extra steps or anything like that. I have 978.4 miles to go before December 31.

I am purposefully not mentioning if I am on target or not, although I do have a handy, dandy spreadsheet to tell me. It is part of the moderation I am trying to develop. Last week, as I was frantically trying to get in the requisite number of steps with just a few more for good measure, remeasuring my gait hoping it was just a little longer, and recalculating the number of steps each day, I had a bit of an "aha moment." I was simply substituting the number on the pedometer with the number on the scale to measure my worth. Neither one is an accurate measure.

I almost quit at that point, not because I couldn't do it, but because I didn't want to perpetuate the perfectionism. Quitting wasn't the answer and I knew that. I also knew that I had to get a handle on this "all or nothing" attitude fast to make this challenge work for me. I began to consider the reasons I took on this challenge in the first place.
1. To get me moving, since exercise has been the most difficult thing to sustain
2. To keep me at my goal weight when I get there, since I feel confident it will happen in 2012
3. To feel strong and healthy no matter what my weight
4. For bragging rights - I admit it!!

I realized that all of those things, except perhaps for #4, would still happen if I walked something less than 1000 miles. In fact, I have exercised every day in 2012, so I was successful. It was like a burden lifted off my shoulders. This is not going to be an easily attainable goal, that is why it is called a 'challenge.' It is a test. It is a trial and it isn't easy. But I can give it every thing I have and do my very best. That is what it is all about for me. This is a huge change in mind set for me.

I also realized that if I walk 850, or any thing less than 1000 miles; I still accomplished something that a lot of people didn't this year. I can still point to 2012 as the year I turned my fitness around no matter how many miles I walk, if I keep on doing it. I'll have my bragging rights no matter how many miles I log because I didn't give up and I made a huge stride forward in changing my thinking.

Welcome to Tish who is joining us on this challenge!

Saturday Scale Says

2012-01-07T09:52:00.000-06:00

"Saturday Scale Says" is going away for a while. From the very beginning of this journey, prior to this blog, I promised myself I'd not get hung up on the number on the scale. I promised myself that I'd measure success in other ways. I believe that I have achieved that to a point. If not, I would have given up a long time ago.

But not entirely, I still want to get to 145 on the scale and I want to get there as soon as possible. I have moderated some, in that I don't give myself goals to lose so many pounds per week or anything like that. I feel like I am still too focused on that number.

I keep charts and graphs of my weight, and I will continue to do so. I think it is important to see trends and make adjustments. Other people have other tools. This is mine and that's OK. I'm just going to put that in the background for a bit. I'll post a monthly weight to keep myself accountable to the cyberworld, just like I do for my doctor.

Instead, I'll post my "Monday Mileage" blogs every Monday to keep everyone informed of my progress on that front. I have a lot to say about that on Monday, so stay tuned!

Perspective

2012-01-04T18:40:00.000-06:00

In my last post I, in my usual analytical way, I noted how many steps I had to get each day in order to get to my 1000 mile goal. I've built a spreadsheet to keep up with my steps and miles along with the year to date goal. It is just how I am.

I've been a little concerned that I haven't quite made my goal any day. I'm already chewing to the the small reserve I had at the beginning of the year. Yesterday at work, I was lamenting this fact to the co-worker that started this whole thing. She only had done about two miles. I was stunned.

I have to have a little cushion for the days that I know will come. The day that I'm sick or over-scheduled or something, sort of like a savings account. I couldn't imagine her laid back attitude.

She was a little shocked by my OCD attitude. She told me to calm down since it was only January 3. She said I plenty of time to get the miles in. She was sure that she'd make up a lot of time over the summer.

I'm trying to moderate some. I've always been this way. I've always saved, worked ahead, etc so as not to get in a bind. I think it stems from the perfectionism with which I struggle. I Maybe I can use this mileage challenge to ease back on that. I'll get as many miles in as I can and be happy with it. I'll still go for 2.7 miles per day, but I'll try not to stress and manipulate on days that I don't.

We'll see. This could be a double duty challenge.

The Challenge

2012-01-01T15:41:00.000-06:00

My out of town sister and her family are well on their way back home now. Life is beginning to return to 'normal' now. I have one more day off of work and then back to the whirlwind.

I expect work to be nuts for about two weeks, to the whole month of January. But I am determined to get back in to the routine of an afternoon session on the stair stepper. I know that if I can get in the habit of the stair stepper in January when life is a little more hectic, I can keep it up in February when the winter doldrums hit.

I got 6.6 miles in during the phase in week. I'm glad that we decided to start early and stack up some early miles because I had no idea how sedentary I'd become. I was telling myself that I was better because I would make two trips to the car, dryer, etc to get in an extra step or two. I routinely take the parking spot the longest distance from the door at work, to the point everyone calls that my spot. While those things are good, they don't stack up to 2.7 miles per day. They don't trim off this last 18, 25, 30 pounds to goal weight.

Another, more exciting reason I'm glad I started early is because my sisters decided to join me in the 1000 mile challenge. They didn't start early so I said I'd spot them the same number of miles I racked up last week. I'll do the same for anyone else that wants to start today. Go ahead and mark 6.6 miles as done and walk/run/crawl the 993.4 remaining. Keep up with the mileage the best way for you and post it every Monday. We'll keep each other encouraged that way.

Here's to all of us making progress towards a healthier life in 2012!

And...we're off!!

2011-12-27T10:48:00.000-06:00

Those of us doing the 1000 mile challenge agreed to let the miles walked between December 25 and 31 count as an incentive to get moving this week. I know for me personally this week is really the one where I relax to the point of becoming inert! Any type of schedule, even eating is totally eschewed for the week. While I think there is merit in stepping out of a schedule and having a peaceful, refreshing time, I've taken it to a whole new level during last week of the year. I happily embraced the idea of getting a mini workout in.

Yesterday, I trooped off to the store in search of a pedometer. That mission was easily accomplished. I think I got a good one. One that doesn't count incidental movements like my old one did. It was easily programmed and I had it on by about 10:30. I decided just to see how many steps I got doing my around the house activity, not counting any type of exercise. I don't really know that yesterday was typical, but at least it was a starting point.

Being the analyst that I am, I did the math and learned that I need to take 3520 steps to walk one mile considering my stride. In order to reach the goal of 1000 miles in a year, the average per day mileage is just over 2.7 miles per day. That means I'll need to take nearly 10,000 steps each and every day to reach my goal. The exact figure is 9,644. To keep it easy, I'm going to try to get to 10,000 every day. That way I can stock pile a few steps for those days when it just doesn't happen.

So, yesterday, my baseline day, I walked 3340. Hmmm...it looks like I've got my work cut out for me. I've got to triple that by Sunday. I'm glad I started early and these steps are just bonus steps!!

1,000 Mile Challenge

2011-12-23T12:13:00.000-06:00

Some of my friends IRL and Timothy are embarking upon a challenge to walk 1,000 miles in 2012. Everyone is welcome to participate. The more the ~~merrier~~ motivator! I really do think the more people that participate, the more we can keep each other motivated.

IRL we have charts with 1,000 squares on them. We will color in a square for each mile walked. By the end of the year, we should have one, very colorful chart.

To make things even more fun, we are starting on Sunday. We all agree that the last week of the year is one of the worst for exercise, so we're going to give ourselves an opportunity to get a few bonus miles in before the challenge actually begins.

In blog land, I'll post my mileage every Monday. I'm excited about it. I'd love for everyone that reads this blog to join. If not, at least keep me encouraged during the year. I'll need that.

My family is beginning to arrive for the holidays. I probably won't be around much until January. In the meantime, I'll be logging those miles.

Merry Christmas!!

175.5

2011-12-20T13:08:00.000-06:00

According to the BMI charts, I move from the obese category to the overweight category at 175.5. Over the last few weeks and months, I have gone up and down the 170's on the scales more times than I care to count. If I'd gone straight down rather than down & up. I'd be at my goal now. I'm trying to learn a lesson from my trips up and down the 170's. I want to learn this lesson well, so I can move on to the next one. I am learning that the obese/overweight category isn't the only thing that changes about half way through the 170's. I have a major mind shift as well.

When my weight is over 175.5, I feel:

bloated and floppy.
like I'm not in control.
like it is a horribly long way to goal.
my skin is strange. I have an unusual pallor and I get breakouts.
my clothes are too tight. I search for the *fat* clothes when dressing.
fat.
sad.
angry with myself.
like a failure.
much like I did at 254.4.

When my weight is below 175.5, I feel:

in control of my life.
normal.
happy.
that goal weight is in easy reach.
cute.
empowered.
powerful.
healthy.
strong.
thin!

Right now, I am still over 175.5. I am obese and feeling all of those feelings and a few more that I can't quite articulate. I've got pimples on my chin and I'm wearing a skirt with elastic in the waist so that I can breath. Those feelings aren't worth any cookie, candy or cake. Yet I continue to succumb time and time again.

But I am fighting. I am fighting with everything I have not to chuck it all and start fresh January 1. I am going to say 'no' to the goodies. I am determined to end 2011 overweight and NOT obese. If I slip up and have a treat, I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and move on. There is no time for berating myself. It is time to move forward. There are 11 days left this year. I'm going to make the most of them!

Saturday Scale Says

2011-12-17T15:55:00.002-06:00

179.6...at least it isn't 180! That's all for now. :)

Saturday Scale Says

2011-12-10T08:51:00.000-06:00

This morning I saw a whopping 178.4! I've been all over the 170's since Thanksgiving. Well...not quite, I've only been down to 173. I've made that trip up & down the scale too many times to count! I, so wanted to start the year below 170. I'm not sure if that can happen. If there were three ordinary weeks ahead, I might set a goal for that. It isn't quite 3 pounds a week. It would be a stretch, but I like to challenge myself that way.

Instead tonight starts 10 days of parties. We have a gathering of some type every.single.day for 10 days starting today!! I plan to be judicious as to what I select and cut back during the rest of the time. It should work, but my experience has been otherwise. I'll still do my best and deal with whatever happens.

I'm not chucking it all until January 1. I'm just not going to hold myself to an unattainable goal. I'll get there. Not as soon as I'd planned, but I'll get there.

No Worries!

2011-12-06T10:14:00.002-06:00

I'm here and doing my thing. It is a busy time in my life, as typical this time of year. I've blogged before about the non-profit world and how work ratchets up this time of year, so I won't belabor that discussion. The semester is coming to an end for 65MD so his work world is in a frenzy as well. He just has one more week after this week, and he'll have a nice long break. Of course, there are the usual Christmas parties and festivities happening, which also take time. Then...my sister announced her engagement just before Thanksgiving. They've set a wedding date for May, so we've already been scouting wedding sites and discussing what sort of cake she wants me to make. Excitement all the way around!

My sister has an interesting story that I'll share later when I have time to actually give it the time it deserves. Until then, please don't worry about me, but I'd appreciate a good thought along the way here & there! I'll drop in and read, and hopefully, at least post my weight on Saturday.

I Read My Own Blog

2011-11-30T13:10:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was trying to remember when something happened. I remembered blogging about it at the time. I had a general idea as to when it happened and the title of the post, so I thought it would be simple to find. I wound up spending more time than I care to confess reading my own blog. I found what I was looking for. But I also found two things I wasn't seeking.

One I found a lot of treasures in the comments sections. I was reminded of the great support I get from my readers. Some of the very things I do now, are directly related to suggestions from my readers.

Two, I realized how I tend to forget the bad stuff. Generally speaking I think this is a good attribute. I can move on from a difficult situation without holding on to anger or sadness. But, since I tend to put those memories aside, I start wondering why I'm having such a hard time now. I begin to wish it could be as easy as it was over the summer, or some other time. Now, when I start to become nostalgic for those 'easy days' I can look back and get an accurate picture of what was really happening.

If it was indeed, and easy time, I can see what else was going on. I can see what elements created the ease and do my best to recreate them. If it was not an easy time, I'll quickly recall the situation and stop beating myself over how life is right now.

I think I will continue to read my own blog from time to time. I never know what sort of gem is awaiting me.

Doing Great!

2011-11-29T11:03:00.000-06:00

I've been happily relishing family time, as a result I haven't posted as much as I like. I want everyone to know that I am hale and hearty. I have had a change of mindset that seems to have suddenly happened, although the truth is, it has taken a while. That is I feel thin. I feel like I'm at my goal weight. It is almost as if these last few pounds are already gone.

I know, and have known all along, that my body perception is not an accurate reflection of reality. Even though, my brain knows I still have quite a way to go to get to my goal weight, my heart is already there. If I can keep it that way, I'll be fine. I don't want to believe the not yet accurate perception of myself to the point that I stop trying to get to my goal weight. At the same time, I said from day one that I was not going to get caught up in the numbers to the point that if I didn't reach a magic number on the scale that I'd consider myself a failure. I think I've gotten there!

It is a delicate balance to be sure. I'm going to have to remain diligent, especially during this time of overindulgence that the holidays bring. I feel good. I feel like I can do it.

I think the tipping point came during the shopping experience I described in my last post. Seeing myself in the mirror in only my bra from the waist up was not/is not the way I generally see myself. I am either wearing a bathrobe or clothes when I see myself in the mirror the vast majority of the time. The only other time I see myself in the mirror, I am completely naked before a bath or shower. Believe me, I avoid that! When that happens, seeing myself totally nude, I only see the belly flab skin that hangs down now. At the store, that was covered.

At the store, I saw the best parts of myself. Now, that image is burned in my brain. Now, I am consciously, purposefully remembering that image. This isn't an ego thing, or a conceit thing. It is a very pleasant, happy reality. I need that. I need to replace those negative body images with positive, and thankfully real, ones.

I think this is key. I think this is the missing link for which I have searched for nearly three years now. I believe things like this happen when they are supposed to. I don't lament the time as lost. There were other important lessons I was learning. At this time, this is my lesson. I am learning. I am happy to learn!

A Shopping Experience

2011-11-25T12:41:00.000-06:00

I am not a black Friday shopper. As much as I love a bargain, I hate crowds more. Besides, I'm one of those really strange people that buy gifts throughout the year. I love finding a unique gift while traveling. But in honor of black Friday and all of the avid shoppers out there, I want to relay a recent shopping experience.

I've been wanting a festive Christmas sweater. I had quite a few when I was heavy, but they're all long gone now since I'm so much smaller now. I stopped by my favorite retailer earlier this week. I'd seen a circular so I had an idea of what I would find, but I have to see the item in person and sometimes on before I know if I really like it.

I found a beautiful red sweater with red 'fur' trim around the neck and silver, jeweled snowflakes on it. It was quite pretty but I decided I really didn't want to spend that much money on a sweater I could only wear a few weeks per year. I found another red sweater that looked quite festive, but wasn't not particularly Christmas-y looking. I could wear it now, but really during any of the sweater season.

I decided to take a size large in to the dressing room to try on. There was a small, medium and extra large but no large. The medium looked plenty big, so I took it. As I disrobed in front of the mirror, I actually had the thought that I looked skinny. Then I remembered the Seinfeld episode where Elaine accused a store of having skinny mirrors. LOL!!

Anyway, I was quite surprised when the medium was too big. Now, there was a time in my life when I would have rushed from the dressing room and snatched up the small sweater regardless of the price or how it looked on me. I would have worn it with the tag sticking out so everyone could see that I was wearing a small, as if that made it a reality.

This time, I was irked. I know that even if I am thinner than I was, I am not small. Not yet anyway. I'm still getting a little miffed as I type this. Clothing manufacturer's are enabling the obesity epidemic in our country by mislabeling clothes. I've ranted and raved about it on this blog before, so I won't get in to a whole thing about it. I'll just say, while I'll still patronize that retailer, I won't purchase anything from that manufacturer. It just isn't right.

Loose Threads

2011-11-21T13:13:00.000-06:00

Last week at this time, I was lamenting the triple threat that was my weekend. This weekend was much better, so it is a good time to catch up on those situations.

First the weekend weight gain issue - Even though I didn't get all of my water down either day, and I ate out twice, I only gained 1.4 lbs. One eating out occasion was planned and one was not. I feel fine with the little bounce and know that it will be gone soon enough. I believe I am making progress on the weekend issues and soon enough, they will no longer be an issue.

Second, the problems at home won't change. I have no control over that. I have control over how I respond. I'm working on better ways to do that.

Third, the changes at work I wasn't at liberty to discuss aren't going to happen. So all is well with that.

I have a Thanksgiving luncheon tomorrow at work. My plan is to revert to my default behavior and serve. I'll go through the line last. I'll load up on protein and minimize the carbs. I'll report back with the results on Wednesday.

Saturday Scale Says

2011-11-19T12:44:00.000-06:00

This morning the scales read 173.6. Down 1.4 pounds from last week. I'm pleased with that number. If I can do as well next week. I'll really be pleased.

I was prepared by the hcg rep that I would not lose weight as quickly on the cleanse, so my expectations are not that high, plus I have two Thanksgiving dinners next week. I'm telling myself it is only food, and I can make it or get it any time I want, so I don't have to eat it all at one time. I'll enjoy the company and the spirit of the occasion along with the right amount of food for me, and maybe a little treat.

We're having a great day here, moderate temps and lots of sun. I'm going to go enjoy it before the rain comes in. Have a great day, everyone!

Victory Thursday

2011-11-17T09:02:00.000-06:00

The biggest victory for the week for me is rising above the chaos which is my life right now, and eating the way I need to. It is incredible. I don't really know how it has happened, but it has. I am deeply grateful. If I were spending time beating myself up for poor eating choices, I'd probably be curled in the fetal position in a corner sucking my thumb.

Somehow or another, I have a peacefulness about everything. I know deep down inside that everything will turn out just like it is supposed to - at home, at work and with my weight. I don't know how and I don't know when, but I don't need to know those things. I just need to rest in this place of peace; this oasis in the desert. That is my only job. I think I can do that.

Thank You!

2011-11-16T11:31:00.000-06:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support yesterday. All of those comments cheering me on actually brought a tear to my eye. It means more than I can begin to describe to have that support from people I've never met.

I had another good eating day yesterday, and I expect no different from today. I'm taking each day as it comes and making the best of it, with a little help from my friends - YOU!

Super Day!!!!!!!!!!

2011-11-15T15:10:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was an incredible day food wise. I stayed 100% on plan with no problems. No mental battles, no problems of any type. I was surprised when I looked at the clock yesterday afternoon and saw it was 4:00. I didn't have the afternoon call to food. I chugged my water and rewarded myself with a diet cherry limeade. The scales rewarded me this morning with a loss, too. If all the days were like yesterday, I'd be at goal in no time at all. It was great.

Today, I am doing well too. I'll layer day upon day until I get there.

Unfortunately, life at home is no better, in fact it is worse. I am not letting it get me down. I learned Sunday night that pancakes don't help. LOL!! Actually, I coped much better last night. Maybe the good eating helped keep my head clear.

There could be big changes coming at work too. I'm not at liberty to discuss those right now. I have a calmness about that situation too. I know that things will work out like they are meant to. All I have to do is let it happen.

I'm in a good place now. I'm going to work to keep myself in this place. I like it here.

The Triple Threat

2011-11-14T09:18:00.000-06:00

I had a hard weekend. Weekends are hard for me since I am purposefully unscheduled, particularly on Saturdays. I like to sleep late. Between that and various errands and chores, my eating schedule often gets messed up. This Saturday was no exception. At least I got all my water down.

Transitions are also difficult for me. I don't know why when I am moving from the hcg to another plan, I start thinking that I should eat this or that before I get in the swing of the new plan. Since I'm moving to the cleanse at the recommendation of the hcg rep I spoke to on Friday, I spent the weekend at war with myself over what and how much to eat.

Finally, I had some stress with my living situation. The details are not important. It involves 65MD's son and I promised myself that I would not turn this blog in to a rant-fest with regard to that whole situation.

So, last night I fixed and ate pancakes. I knew when I made them that it was not the best choice. I had the internal conversation about how this was not going to make anything better. I acknowledged that I would be sorry in the morning. But dad-gum-it, I was having those pancakes. I made a batch and sat down with a full plate fully prepared to eat every bite. After about 5 bites, I wasn't enjoying them quite as much, but I was determined. (Why oh why can't I have that type of determination on the stair stepper!!!) I ate almost half and finally came to my senses. I offered the rest to 65MD, who didn't want them, so I tossed them.

This morning, my weight was up. I know why, and I know what to do about it. So, I'm doing it today. I think by next weekend, I'll be in the groove of the cleanse, and it won't be so hard. I sure hope so!

Saturday Scale Says

2011-11-12T10:09:00.000-06:00

This morning the scale read 175.0. Not what I wanted, but what I expected. Between the ham & cheese dip and graham crackers, I really could not expect great numbers today.

Yesterday marked the end of the three weeks of hcg. I spoke to a rep from the office where I get my hcg. She suggested a cleanse for 30 days and then restarting the hcg. She said that people lost weight on the cleanse, but it was more to help with the immunity one's body develops to the hormone. What she said rang true with me. I already knew intuitively before this round began that my body was over the hcg in a way.

The cleanse is 1200 to 1500 calories per day with whole foods like fruits, vegetables, and protein. There is nothing processed or pre-prepared. There is no sugar, or carbs except those that occur naturally in the food. Really, it is the way I'd like to eat once I get to my goal. This will be good practice for that.

I'll probably stretch the cleanse until the end of the year. Then I'll make a fresh start with the hcg in January when the rest of the country is dieting and slip right on down to my goal weight. Maybe I can be there by Valentine's Day! For now, I cleanse.

Graham Crackers

2011-11-11T09:02:00.000-06:00

Yesterday at work someone had put some pumpkin dip in the kitchen. That isn't unusual. People are always bringing treats to share. The pumpkin dip did not bother me in the least. I am not a fan. The only way I'll eat pumpkin is if it is baked in to bread, I am very hungry and there a no other options. So it was quite fine with me for there to be pumpkin dip in the kitchen at work.

My problem was the graham crackers that went along with the dip. It was an odd thing too. I've never had a gorge fest on graham crackers. I don't have fantasies about eating graham crackers. I like them, but I hardly ever even buy them. Most of the time I buy them to make a crust or as an ingredient in something. I use what I need and the rest just sit in the cabinet until I need some more or they're so stale I have to throw them away.

It was quite chilly in our office yesterday morning, so I went in to the kitchen to make some hot tea. There were several other people in there getting warm beverages as well. As I was waiting for the water to get hot we chatted and someone took a bite of the dip. We continued to chat and others had the dip as well. Without much thought, I took a graham cracker to have with my tea. It was good. Way too good.

The rest of the day the graham crackers sang their siren song to me and I would be pulled back in to the kitchen for 'just one more.' I promised myself over and over again that this would be the last one, but it wasn't. They weren't my crackers so I couldn't hide them or toss them out. I had to try to tough it out but I didn't. Mercifully, mid afternoon the crackers were gone. For the record, I didn't eat them all. The battle was over and the crackers had won.

I'm frustrated with myself for not being stronger. This morning, of course, my weight was back up. So far today, I've had no cravings for graham crackers. Once again, I'm back in the saddle making the best of the situation. Tomorrow, I'll have to report my weight, so that is extra incentive to make today the very best I can.

Victory Thursday

2011-11-10T09:01:00.002-06:00

My biggest victory of the week was the fact that even after my indulgence on Tuesday, I got right back in the groove. It wasn't easy, but it was a huge change of mindset for me. I was a champion of starting over again on Monday. But not now. This time I started over again Tuesday afternoon. Wednesday was a bit of a challenge because I kept thinking about the dip. Since there was no more, it wasn't an epic battle just a minor annoyance.

Related to that, I lost 1.2 pounds this morning. That leaves 0.8 to get back to the pre-dip weight. I'm not worried about it. It will come off. I'm more concerned about the remaining 30! :-)

The last victory I'll point out is, I've noticed that I can see my feet when I walk. I don't know how long it has been that way, but i just noticed it in the last few weeks. This week I've become quite fascinated with that fact and have been walking with my head down watching my feet. I've nearly bumped in to people a couple of times because I'm not watching where I'm going!!!

For those of you joining me, Timothy and my friends IRL on the 1000 mile challenge for 2012, we decided that all the miles accumulated between December 25 and 31 count for 2012. We think that will be motivation because it can be very hard to exercise that week.

Odds & Ends

2011-11-09T09:36:00.002-06:00

Just a quick catch up post answering questions left in comments and the consequences of my choices yesterday.

First the consequences -
I gained 1.6 pounds wiping out my loss for the week. I think that a lot of it is water retention caused by the sodium in the ham. My hands feel a little puffy, too. I expect that most of it will be gone in the morning if that is the true case. Also, my stomach has been just a little upset this morning; perhaps from the fat in the cheese? IDK. I'll report again tomorrow so we'll all know if this is water or not.

Now the response to comments & questions -
On November 5 Joy asked what protein drinks I was planning to use. I am planning to use Xocia. They are dark chocolate meal replacement drinks. I did this last year and it seemed to help navigate the party season.

On that same post Holly asked what hcg was. Hcg is a hormone that pregnant women create. Some years ago a doctor in Italy (I think) discovered that the hormone combined with a very strict low calorie diet led to weight loss. The hormone, when used properly suppresses the physical hunger in order to facilitate the very low calorie diet. The hormone requires a prescription. It is injected daily for six weeks. The recommendation is that the hormone only be used for that time period so as not to develop an immunity. The prescription is quite expensive. There oral hcg drops that are purported to be identical to the actual hormone and are much cheaper.

Finally, Timothy suggested yesterday that my blog friends be included in the challenge. By all means, join in if you want to participate. We can report our mileage each week on Monday and call it "Monday Mileage" since I'm such a fan of alliteration. Who's in?

Thanks for reading and supporting me. 2012 is the year I get to goal. I feel it!

The Best of Intentions

2011-11-08T17:40:00.000-06:00

Today we had a baby shower for a sweet, sweet coworker. I was happy to be asked to participate. I made a coconut cake. The Mom to be asked for a one. I used the old recipe that grandmothers have used for ages where the cake marinates in the creamy coconut 'frosting' for three days. The cake could not have turned out better. I was pleased.

I came to work this morning without a worry as to if I'd eat any cake or not. I wasn't. I was going to serve cake. Besides I could make myself another cake any old time I wanted to. This was a gift to my coworker and her friends. And, I did not eat any cake. Good for me.

Not so good for me however was the hot ham & cheese dip. My body has not yet adjusted to central standard time. My stomach thinks it is lunch time sometime about 10:00 to 10:30 these days. The shower was at 11:00 but I got hungry closer to 10:00 than 10:30 today. I slipped off and began to eat an apple before the festivities. I only got about half of it down before I was needed for some last minute prep work. It didn't do much to diminish my appetite.

I gladly sliced pieces of cake for everyone at the party. I smiled and watched as person after person helped themselves to the various offerings there. And my stomach was growling! It was beginning to be embarrassing. I finally justified a bite of the hot ham and cheese dip, by saying it was all protein. That would have been fine if I were doing Dr. Atkins, but I'm not!

The little nibble only seemed to increase my appetite and I had more, and I went back to the well a third time. That was all it took to calm my hunger and I managed to stop after three servings. To be clear, the first serving was on a cracker. The second and third servings were spoonfuls on a plate eaten with a fork! I didn't want all those cracker carbs messing up my ham & cheese!!!

After indulging in the dip, I did not eat the rest of the apple or even my lunch. I drank all of my water and I have my meal prepped at home for supper. I feel like I'm firmly back in control of myself. I know I won't be happy in the morning. Hcg is very unforgiving. I could be up as much as two pounds. If that is the case, I'll just lose those two pounds right back and move on.

This afternoon, as all of us lamented our indulgences, we came up with a challenge for 2012. During the year we are going to walk, run or ride 1000 miles. It is a lofty goal. We're all committed to doing everything we can to make it happen. The one that started the challenge is going to make a chart to be put up in my office. We'll log our miles on it to keep one another motivated.

I think this is just what I need. I need something new and fresh, and I need a plan to stay at my goal weight once I get there. I intend to get there in 2012!

Saturday Scale Says

2011-11-05T16:09:00.000-05:00

This morning the scale read 174.8. That is down 2.8 pounds from last week. I had another odd up-tick this morning. I really don't know what to make of it, other than perhaps my body is finished with hcg. Losing nearly three pounds in a week is nothing to sneeze at. I'm not complaining. I'm thinking, and I haven't quite figured it out. I'll finish next week on hcg as planned.

After next week, my plan is to do protein drinks until the end of the year. They are meal replacements similar to SlimFast. Only these don't have sugar and are high in protein. This served me well last year during this time of the year. I can select which meal to eat and which two to drink depending on my circumstances of each day. If, on the drinks, I slip down a pound or two a week that will be fabulous.

My goal now is to end the year at 163 or less. That is just a mere 11 pounds. I can make that happen. In January, I'll decide what to do to get the last few pounds off to get to my goal. I can see victory ahead!

The Black Dress Pants

2011-11-04T12:13:00.001-05:00

I have one pair of dress slacks. Don't feel sorry for me. It is a conscious decision on my part. There are two reasons I only have one pair of dress pants. One, I don't plan to be this size very long, so I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes I won't wear very long. Two, and probably the greater reason, I don't like the way I look in pants of any type, from dress slacks to blue jeans and everything in between. My body just isn't made for that style of clothing. I own a pair for the few days that is it extremely cold or I need to be doing more manual labor type jobs at work than typical.

I wore said slacks to work a few weeks ago because I needed to do some of the manual labor type things. They were tight as were most of my clothes prior to this round of hcg. In moving around during the day I popped the hook off of the waistband. Sadly, they were so tight that it really didn't matter. There was no danger of them falling down. My top was long enough that it came down over it. When I got home I tossed the pants on to the sewing machine to remind me to mend them. At that time, I thought that it would be a long time before I did because they were so tight it wouldn't matter.

This morning, I woke up cold. This morning I wanted to cover my legs with something more than hose or even tights. My only option was the black pants. I decided to give them a try and just safety pin the waist. That way I could let it out a wee bit for comfort's sake. I slipped the pants on easily and realized that I could fasten the waist where the hook had been. I quickly got a needle & thread and whipped the hook back in place.

As I sit here typing my pants are fastened and the circulation to my body is just fine. It is not being impeded at all by a too tight waist. They could be a little looser to be honest. To be totally honest, I'll be most happy when they are too big altogether. Until then, I'll take the fact that I'm no longer in danger of busting the seams!

Victory Thursday

2011-11-03T12:33:00.000-05:00

Here are a few improvements I have noticed in the last couple of weeks:

My clothes fit better - They are no longer snug and I'm not having to think about which skirt is the biggest in the mornings now. That has been replaced by which one is the warmest.
My waist feels smaller - That really goes along with the first one, but since I tend to carry my weight in my belly it is worth mentioning.
Compliments from strangers (and a couple of cat calls!)
I feel in charge of myself again. I am in a good place mentally.

It is good to take a little time acknoweledge the positive changes that happen that don't show up on the scales. The scales are not always a good measure of progress. This is a lesson I need to learn over and over again.

Just the Facts

2011-11-02T08:56:00.002-05:00

I lost weight this morning. I am remaining on hcg for the rest of this week, and next week.

I will refrain from celebrating or analyzing. I do not want to be disproven publicly again.

I Spoke Too Soon

2011-11-01T10:29:00.000-05:00

So the other day when I mentioned that my body was responding well to the hcg, I was wrong. Monday morning when I weighed I had not lost any weight from the day before. On hcg this only happensthis early in the cycle when there is an error in the program. Towards the end of the six weeks it can happen, but not on the second week. I was a little surprised, but chalked it up to not drinking enough water on Sunday. Between church, fall fest, and trunk or treat, the water just wasn't happening. I did not sample any of the wares - no popcorn, no candy! I ate my last meal of the day a little later than usual as well. I thought perhaps the combination of those two things created a stall. Honestly, I didn't feel like either thing was cheating. I didn't feel bad about it at all.

Monday proceeded as usual. I was right back on track 100% including the water, with no problem. I was quite surprised then, this morning, when I registered a small gain. That just does not happen on hcg even at the end, if the dieter remains on the program. I have, with no variations. I'm disappointed. I had visions of having three such good weeks that I'd add a fourth just to drop a few more pounds before the holiday season.
I'm also a little fearful. I hope that this does not mean that my body is no longer going to respond to the hcg. It has been my best aid all along this journey and I'm not quite ready to give it up. Nor am I giving up. I'm doing an apple day today. It is part of the protocol for those little anomalies that occur towards the end of a round as I mentioned earlier. If my body is going to respond then I'll drop 2 or 3 pounds today and be back on track.

I've decided if I lose anything at all, I'll be glad and do my best to finish the three weeks. If I don't lose any weight, I'll just have to find another program. I'm still not quitting. I have two options in mind. I'll explore those later if need be.

Saturday Scale Says

2011-10-29T09:51:00.000-05:00

This morning the scale said 177.6. See, I said it was embarrassing. I've got 13 pounds to go to get to the lowest weight this summer. I'll get there soon enough.

My body is responding amazingly well to the hcg. It is a bit of a surprise to me because I had begun to think that I'd worn out its usefulness and would not see results this time as I had before. So far, my results are just as good if not better. Go figure! I'm glad for it regardless.

I'd planned to do this for three weeks. That leaves two weeks, but there are three before Thanksgiving. If I'm still dropping those pounds as quickly, I'll do the fourth week.

Now I'm off to get our trunk ready for Trunk or Treat & Fall Fest tomorrow.

A Little Happy

2011-10-27T09:45:00.002-05:00

I'm starting day four of the low calorie portion of hcg today. Mostly that means that I am peeing a river and thinking about strange foods that would never enter my consciousness otherwise. I'm rewarded by seeing the scale move down though. I know if I continue to pee and fight the brain battle, the scales will continue to slip right on down. Soon enough, I'll start noticing that my clothes are getting loose and that's the part I like.

Right now though, I am an embarrassingly long way from my low weight this summer, and my clothes are tight. In the morning, I look for the skirt that is the biggest or has elastic in the waist. That's OK. I knew that would be the case, and I prepared myself to deal with it mentally. I knew I'd have to hang in there and be strong for longer than typical to get to the fun part. This is probably the biggest reason that I delayed, to prepare myself mentally for the challenge.

Imagine my surprise then last night when 65MD asked if I'd noticed any changes yet. I told him that I hadn't and I wasn't really expecting to just yet. Then I asked him if he had noticed any changes. He said "yes" which totally astonished me. I didn't push it though, by asking what the changes were. I was afraid he'd say something weird like my eyes looked clearer. I knew I'd enjoy the compliment more if I made up the rest. I was right, I am. I've been thinking about it ever since.

I love those little unexpected rays of sunshine that peep through every now and then. They really keep me going.

I Feel Good

2011-10-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

I feel good this morning. It is because I have taken control back. I know that the days ahead won't be easy. Yesterday wasn't, but it will be worth it. Yesterday, images of foods that are currently off limits, danced in my head. I shut them down by reminding myself that I opted not to eat those things when I could on the 'binge' days, so I really didn't want them now either. The mind is a funny thing.

Once the weight starts dropping off, that will be its own reward and it will get easier. For now, I will remember how good the feeling of control is. I will think about how much better my body feels from just 24 hours ago. The floppiness is going away and that hot little body inside is emerging. OK...the smaller, more toned body is emerging. At any rate, I'm on my way. That is the important part.

Bad Karma???

2011-10-23T17:46:00.000-05:00

During the first 48 hours on hcg the food plan is to "gorge." Yes, that word is actually used. The first couple of times I started a round of hcg, I would indeed pig out. I'd go to the grocery store the day before and lay in supplies. I'd get all sorts of decadent treats that I'd been denying myself and eat myself sick for two days.

Then I almost dreaded these days. I felt almost obligated to eat candy and ice cream since they were soon to be forbidden. But I am much more judicious now. I'll think about a couple of things that I really, really want and have those things.

It worked out that this time a sweet friend from church is headed to Florida for the winter soon, so she asked us to go out to one of her favorite restaurants after church as a little farewell. I thought this would work out well as one of my treats for the gorge season. I ordered a BBQ chicken breast and added a salad and dessert for $2.99. What a deal!

They brought out my salad first and I ate as the rest of the table chatted amicably. Suddenly, I bit down on what I thought was an incredibly hard crouton, but realized almost as quickly that wasn't true. I managed to discretely slip the hard object from my mouth only to discover it was a bit of porcelain! My gasp got 65MD's attention and I handed him the bit. I had my mouth full of salad but was afraid to swallow. I could feel a bit of grit in my teeth. He flagged down the nearest server, who quickly got the manager. Now every one at the table knew what was going on. I spat the bite of salad in to the napkin, and tried my best to rub the remaining grit from my teeth.

The manager of course was hugely apologetic and promptly brought out a fresh salad for me. He comped my meal and dessert, and was all over himself with concern for my teeth and gums. I assured him that I was OK, and had no serious injury. I understood that stuff happens, and not to worry. He had to complete an accident report and someone from the corporate office is supposed to call me this week.

Then our food came out. My order was wrong. It was totally the wrong dish! Well, maybe not totally, it was a chicken dish. I was embarrassed to send it back after causing such a scene earlier, but this was my one indulgence, and I had thought it through before ordering. Once again the manager was back at our table apologizing. There wasn't much more he could do since my meal was already comped. (Oddly, I had to pay for my tea.) The young lady serving us was as sweet and attentive as she could be. We left an extra large tip for her since she was a victim of circumstance too.

I hope now that life is finished messing with me for a while. I'd really like to get back to my regular boring life, please. It was a strange and embarrassing experience to say the least. I've had enough of those for a while, thank you.

Back at It

2011-10-22T15:14:00.000-05:00

I am finally feeling like my old self, probably better. It is a good thing because the last 7 days have been a whirlwind. I am so thankful that I had the stamina to see it through.

From now until the end of the year it will be a mad dash to the finish line at work. The third quarter is our busiest time of year for donations, which isn't a bad thing! It is, however, a busy thing. I realized that getting back on the hcg will help because I won't have to worry about what to it. I've done it so many times now, that I don't have to fret over the plan. I know it. I know what works for me, so all I have to do is just do it.

The downside is that the plan is so restrictive, that I cannot realistically expect to be able to comply with it during Thanksgiving or any of the Christmas parties on the horizon. I do have four weeks before Thanksgiving and I can easily whittle of the regain between now and then. So I am. I started back on the hcg today.

I am hoping to end the year at 163 or less. That was my lowest weight this summer. At the beginning of the year, when the rest of the world is making resolutions to lose weight, I'll zip on down to my goal.

It feels good to be back. Thanks for all the encouragement when I was not myself. I have the best readers ever!

The Next Step

2011-10-14T10:40:00.002-05:00

I drank 100 ounces of water again yesterday. I think I'm back on track with that. I won't say absolutely because it is getting chilly here and it is harder to drink that much water when I'm cold. That, and the fact that as soon as I say something is no longer an issue on this blog, it suddenly becomes one again. LOL!

Anyway, I feel like I'm ready for my next baby step. My plan is to do 20 minutes on the stair stepper three times next week. That will be a challenge since I already have a couple of commitments in the evening next week. I don't know if I will have the stamina to work all day, keep my evening commitments those days and exercise as well. If I make it, great. I'll plan to go it again next week. If I don't make it, I'll celebrate the days that I did, and make it my plan to get in all three days the next week. I'm trying hard to give myself plenty of latitude and no negative messages if I don't make it.

In the meantime, while I'm not following a particular plan with regard to eating, I am trying to keep it low carb, and moderate portions. I am just not mentally prepared to weigh & measure food, keep journals, or stuff like that. I'm hoping as I put the baby steps together in other healthy living areas, the mental energy (read desire) to eat better will come. I think it will. Maybe not in one or two weeks, but it will return. I know better than to push it and set myself up for disappointment. I'll get there, sooner or later, I'll get there.

Baby Steps

2011-10-12T20:10:00.000-05:00

I drank 100 ounces of water yesterday and today! It is a small step, but it is in the right direction. I'm hoping this will serve as the mental breakthrough I've been needing. Drinking 100 ounces of water used to be second nature to me. I got thirsty if I didn't drink enough. But I haven't had that much water since September 13, almost a month.

On September 14, 65MD and I had an early flight to Charleston, connecting through Baltimore (go figure!), I decided not to drink anything because I didn't want to have to use the facilities on the plane and I certainly didn't want to be rushing around an airport looking for a ladies' room with a full bladder. I thought I'd get right back on the band wagon as soon as we returned. I had no expectation of drinking that much water while doing the tourist stuff. I did drink water & tea, just not copious amounts of it as had been my custom.

Of course, when I came home with e-coli, water was the least of my worries. Once I got out of the hospital and tried to return to my typical routine, I was shocked that I couldn't drink much water at all. It didn't taste good, and I just plain didn't want it. That was a bit stunning for me. On top of everything else I'd been through, I just could not drink water.

Now, I have broken through that barrier. I believe I can keep drinking plenty of water and soon it will no longer be an issue. I'll build on that success and hopefully decide soon what eating plan to use - another baby step. But the size of the step doesn't matter, as long as it is in the right direction and continues to be.

My Heart Isn't in It

2011-10-11T17:07:00.000-05:00

I'm trying but I'm really not making any progress. My heart just isn't it in. I don't have that spark of determination. I did not start back on the hcg because of my lack of desire. I didn't want to waste it, my time or my energy. If I tried and was unsuccessful, I'd probably just implode.

But this lethargy related to weight loss, has got to go. I don't like it one bit. I'm trying to fake it until I make it. So far I much more faking it than making it. I don't think I'm faking it very well either.

I'm tired. I know a large part of the exhaustion is the long recovery from e-coli. I've heard that it will last at least a month. I'm taking probiotics. I know that healthy eating will only help the process, but I just can't quite make it happen. I am determined, however not to use the illness as a reason (excuse). It will only become easier to rely on that way of thinking, if I do.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not pigging out on candy and ice cream. I'm just not counting anything. I'm not counting carbs, calories, portions or anything else. As a result, I'm eating too much and not making the best choices. Mentally, it would be easier to do the hcg because so many of the options are taken away. Somehow, I just can't seem to work up the 'want to.'

That's my problem. I just don't want to bad enough right now. I am fearful of regaining so that is keeping me somewhat under control and away from the candy. That, and my body feels floppy. Eventually, I'll reach a critical mass, and the importance of weight loss will out weigh the lethargy and apathy. I'll be back and then - lookout, baby!!

Yet Another Absence

2011-10-07T10:06:00.000-05:00

I thought I would spend some time in blog world while we were away, but obviously I did not. When we got to our room we realized that the WiFi was only in the lobby and only on their equipment. That may have been as secure as possible, but it didn't seem so to me so I opted out.

As a result, I am behind on my reading, and I am quite rested. I slept until I woke up and then went down for a nice high protein breakfast. There was an exercise room and so I did a nice slow 20 minutes on the recumbent bike a few times. Once I had to walk on the treadmill because the bike was busy. I spent a lot of time laying by the pool and a little time in the pool. I took naps and generally did what ever seemed like a good idea at the time. It was just the trip I needed.

One thing I really thought would happen however did not. I thought that being away from schedules, appointments, 'to do' lists, and the like would give me a real opportunity to focus on my life style and I'd come back with a plan, eager to carry it out. I did have one very strong desire to change one aspect of my life but that is not at all related to food and exercise so I won't delve in to it.

Instead, I came back lax and unfocused as to what I want to do with my eating choices. I know what to do, and what foods to choose to be healthy and strong. Some how I don't believe that equals weight loss, not for me. I think I need stricter parameters rather than "whole foods" or "low carb" or whatever label I give it. I know myself well enough to know that I'll push the limits. Soon enough, I'll be eating too much of the 'good' stuff whatever that is and my weight loss will stall out.

I have the option of hcg although I'm getting a 'been there, done that' sort of vibe. There are 6 weeks between now and Thanksgiving. I could be almost to my goal if I did that. It is tempting, but I fear that won't work either because of the vibes. I've been cycling through that for a couple of years now. My body just maybe has done all it can do with the hcg. Of course, I won't know until I try.

I don't want to waste any more time, but I feel so lost. I told myself at the beginning of this whole thing that I was not going to get tied up in the numbers, particularly the one on the scale. I promised myself that I would not consider myself a failure if I didn't reach that magic number. So, even though I am still overweight and at the high end of overweight at that, I am reminding myself how far I've come. I'm telling myself that I am successful even if I don't lose another ounce.

I'm beginning to believe it, but honestly I don't want to stay at this weight. I want to move down the scales, but I know that I have got to have my head in the game. Once I get my mental focus back the rest is easy. The hardest part for me is getting my mind in focus. If I don't do that, nothing will work.

Saturday Scale Says

2011-10-01T13:46:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up feeling great. I felt like all of the health issues of the past weeks were behind me. I got on the scales and it read 174.6, which is up 1.4 from my last report.

Even though I wish I could have reaped a weight loss benefit of being sick, that have never been the case for me. I can get a digestive ailment that leaves my body completely empty and still gain weight. To have my weight remain so close is a victory for me.

I had a list of last minute errands to run before leaving town and chores to do around the house. I got two of the errands done before I had to come home and crash. It was just the little proof that I needed to remind myself that I'm not invincible. It takes me time to heal just like everyone else in the world. That's OK. I will be better when the time is right.

We're taking the laptop to Tampa so I'll be checking in during the week while I continue to recuperate and contemplate how to get this last 30 pounds gone for good.

Recovering

2011-09-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

I think I'm about to my normal self. A week in Tampa will seal the deal I'm sure.

This was indeed one of the strangest adventures of my life. On Wednesday I got the official diagnosis of E-coli. By that time, I'd had four days of iv antibiotics in the hospital and five days of oral antibiotics at home. I worked some during the week so as not to get too far behind.

Even though, I really feel much, much better I have a way to go to get back in the healthy eating groove. When I first came down with this, before I realized that I was as sick as I was, my appetite totally vanished. I thought I was experiencing personal growth not wanting food when I wasn't hungry. Oh well! While I was in the hospital I was encouraged to eat anything. Most of the time, whatever came to mind to eat, I immediately decided was too hard to digest. Who knows what the fevered brain will think. As a result, I let myself eat anything that sounded digestible. Even at that, I only ate minuscule amounts. I really thought I'd register a big loss, but that was not to be either.

Obviously, exercise didn't happen. That is not unless pushing an iv pole over the bathroom threshold. It is harder than it sounds, people! The oddest thing is that I can hardly drink water. I was chugging 100 ounces a day easy as can be before I got sick. Now, I am really having to force the water to get up to 64 ounces.

I think all three things will come back in time - healthy eating, good exercise and plenty of water. Right now, I'm doing the best I can, and giving myself a great big break. I don't think it is a cop out. I think it is being good to myself as I continue to heal. I'm not eating candy or junk like that, but I'm still thinking about what sounds good and getting that as much as possible since 65MD has been doing all of the cooking.

We'll be in Tampa next week. I'm going to use that time to relax and continue to heal. I'm hoping by the time we return, I'll be back to 100% and ready to battle these last few pounds.

Here I Am

2011-09-25T17:14:00.000-05:00

I was much much more ill than I realized and I spent four days in the hospital getting iv antibiotics. It takes all of my energy to get out of bed to go to the bathroom so I have not been in the blog community for over a week now. It is closer to two when considering the minimal time I was on while out of town. I'll try to catch up but I'm already weary from this short post. I hope everyone is well and working their plan.

I go back to the doctor on Wednesday. I hope to know more then.

I'm Back, Finally

2011-09-19T11:27:00.000-05:00

65MD had a conference in Charleston, SC Wednesday through Saturday last week and I happily tagged along. I love those trips. All during the trip I mentally blogged about how well I was doing, how I was making good choices, and wanting only very small portions. I was getting tons of walking in because we stayed right in historic Charleston and there were so many cool places to see, right in walking distance.

On Friday though, I began to feel achy and cold. It was one of those days that got colder as the day went along and I only had a light sweater. I thought my problem was I didn't have enough clothes and blamed the aches on not being in as good of shape as I thought. Because we walked A LOT! On Friday evening I was so cold I had the shivers.

Saturday he had only one early morning session and we came home. I was still in bed when he got back just because I liked it there. We got our things together, and had a few hours before needing to get to the airport, but nothing sounded fun anymore. I was freezing and had a screaming headache. I wanted nothing more that to be home in my warm and cozy bed. Since I was opposed to walking around historic Charleston anymore, we checked out of the hotel and did a driving tour of Patriot's Point and Mt. Pleasant. We still got to the airport with plenty of time to spare.

The flight home was uneventful but seemed to take forever as we had to connect through Baltimore. Go figure. The minute we got home, I got in a hot bath and just relished the heat. I got out of the tub and put on my warmest winter PJ's and got in the bed. It was 8:20 pm. I got out of the bed at 8:45 pm on Sunday. I had spent 24 hours strait in the bed other than to go to the bathroom.

Poor 65MD checked on me regularly bringing me something to drink, offering to turn on the TV, etc. All I wanted to do was just lay there. At some point mid morning, I decided to take my temperature. I'd had some ibuprofen about 1 1/2 hours before, so I wasn't sure if it would be accurate. The reading was 99.4, which was a little surprising. As the day went along I continued to take medication and monitor my temp. It peaked at 103.8, when I finally called my sister the ER nurse. She gave me some advice on medicating myself, but the most helpful thing she told me was there was a fever virus going around and it lasts about 48 hours.

I think I have turned the corner now. My temp was 98.4 this morning. I still took a sick day from work. I'll use today to get my head back in the game and I'm sure that tomorrow I'll feel even better and to back to work.

BTW, as of this morning I'm only 2.8 pounds up from before we left. I'm sure I'll shed that quickly and have a good report on Saturday.

Tea

2011-09-12T13:23:00.000-05:00

I love tea. It is probably my favorite beverage. My most favorite way to drink it is sweetened with sugar and a little lemon. I almost never drink sugar sweetened tea anymore. I drink water almost exclusively. Sometimes I'll drink tea with splenda and lemon with my evening meal. Since I am once again trying to give up all artificial sweeteners, and tea just isn't the same unless it is sweet, I'm looking once again for an option.

I thought I'd found heaven with agave nectar until I learned that what we buy in the store isn't the same as what is touted as the sweetening panacea I'd thought.

Over the weekend, I decided to try my new favorite - honey. I've had hot tea with honey and lemon as a winter time treat, so why not in iced tea? Buoyed by my success with the apples, I forged ahead. I put honey in with the tea while it was warm from brewing. I added some lemon and poured it over ice. I eagerly took a drink anticipating another home run with the honey. It wasn't a home run. It wasn't even a base hit. It was a strike!

Honey in cold tea really does not work for me. That unique taste that it added to the apples doesn't work in cold tea. I drank it because I didn't want to be wasteful and it wasn't so horrible that I couldn't swallow it. I won't be making it again. Live and learn. :)

Anniversaries

2011-09-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

Today is my wedding anniversary. 65MD and I have been married for 12 wonderful years. Our life is far from perfect, but we're in it together and that makes it all the better.

For the past 10 years, we've had to figure out how to celebrate our happiness while respecting the horrible tragedy that befell our country that day. It hasn't been without challenges.

The first couple of years after the towers fell, and I told people my anniversary was September 11, their response was one of almost sorrow for us that our happy day was forever marred. In more recent years, people respond with an attitude that is more like "why would you do that?" Most of the time, now I'll say which anniversary it is first hoping the person will realize that my anniversary came first.
Sometimes, I will jokingly tell people that not every woman gets the whole country to remind her husband that their anniversary is near.

It is a delicate balance to be sure. Happy day to 65MD, and to the rest of the country, a day to reflect and remember the patriotism and bravery of those that lost their lives that fateful day.

Saturday Scale Says

2011-09-10T13:07:00.000-05:00

This morning the scale read 173.2. That is slightly above my zone of tolerance, but it really hasn't bothered me. Even knowing that I have this trip coming up, I haven't gotten all freaked out it. In times past, the somewhat recent past, I would have been trying to starve myself between now and Wednesday morning so that I could see a certain number on the scale.

Would I like to have a lower number on the scale? Of course! But, I've learned that those freak-out crash things are counterproductive in the long run. I know what I have to do to get to my goal. If I do those things I'll make steady progress and that is all I want, an overall downward trend.

I believe I have made peace with the concept of not being able to set a goal to weigh a certain amount by a certain date. It really goes against my analytical brain. I hesitate to say that because every time I do, it seems like I'm reminded that I haven't made quite as much progress as I thought.

Of course, I'd like to be at my goal weight sooner rather than later. But once I get there I want to stay there. I have a certain confidence that I will get there. I just can't say when.

Apples

2011-09-09T11:13:00.000-05:00

I have really been enjoying cooking lately. Since 65MD and I got together and agreed on the menus for the week, it has made life so much easier. One of the purposes of making out the menus was to keep from getting in a rut and to think of new and healthy ways to prepare some favorites. Last night as a part of our evening meal, that was apples.

I'd often 'fried' them with water, a little splenda & cinnamon for myself, but 65MD eschews all artificial sweeteners. So, last night, I used some local honey in place of the splenda. It served a dual purpose, besides sweetening the apples it helped with our allergies. It gave the apples a little different taste, but we both agreed we like it and will do it again.

I love it when stuff works out like that.

Smooth Sailing

2011-09-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

I've got several days of smooth sailing here. Time is stretching out between challenges and I only have two biggies on the horizon right now. The next is a trip to Charleston where 65MD ('65 Mustang Driver)is presenting some research at a conference. I love these trips. He's busy until mid-afternoon, so can sleep in, shop, whatever and then we see the sights in the late afternoon and evening. It is great. We leave early on Wednesday morning and will be back Saturday.

We've worked out a fairly good pattern of eating out, which is great. My problem is that restaurant food is usually very high in sodium and fat. I'll just make the best choices I can, and deal with the consequences. We're flying so I won't be able to take any food with me, but I'll find a local market and get some fresh produce that I can eat raw to have in the room for breakfast and lunch. My only real issue will be the evening meal. The place where we are staying does not have a workout facility, so I'll have to get creative about that.

In the meantime, 65MD and I sat down and made meal plans for time between now and then. He's totally on board with my choices, and has told his son that he will be too! 65MD has said for years that he'd like to lose 20 or so pounds. Now that we're in the same neighborhood of amount of weight to lose, he's all ears about what I have to say. And totally willing to do what I want. He recognizes that this is a healthy way to live.

Now, all I have to do is make it work.

Happy Birthday, 65MD

2011-09-05T17:24:00.000-05:00

Today is 65MD's birthday. He's so special the whole country called a holiday just for him. ;-P

We're having a chilly, rainy day so our plans have been switch up a bit. That's OK. I am enjoying it anyway.

I'll get back in to my routine a little better as the week progresses.

I hope everyone has had a nice, restful long weekend.

Saturday Scale Says

2011-09-03T13:52:00.002-05:00

This morning 170.6!!

Watermelon

2011-09-02T17:26:00.000-05:00

I love watermelon. It is my very favorite fruit. I love the ice cold sweetness on a hot summer day. When I was growing up one of my grandfathers planted a patch of watermelons just for me. They were called sugar babies. They are a dark, dark green, almost black and grow to be about the size of a basketball. I have hunted and hunted my adult life for a sugar baby and was unsuccessful until last summer.

65MD and I had gone to a local farmers' market. I spotted it from afar. I excitedly pointed out that there were sugar babies ahead and we had to buy one, no matter what the cost. As we got closer to the booth we heard the proprietor telling another customer that the watermelons were indeed sugar babies. I gave 65MD my best "I know everything" look and we bought one for $3. We considered in an investment since we could use the seeds to plant vines this summer.

As the summer approached and we began to plan our little garden and gather seeds, I reminded 65MD often that we had to leave ample room for the sugar babies. He was glad to. There was only one problem. He couldn't find the seeds. We scoured the entire house, high & low and could not find those seeds anywhere! I was disappointed to say the least. One day as we were buying other seeds, I noticed a package of sugar baby seeds. We got them.

It took three tries for us to finally get some vines. It seems the neighborhood 'wildlife' have learned about the fresh food in our back yard and get a good bit of it. Finally, finally, the little green balls formed and I waited excitedly for my first homegrown sugar baby since high school. They never seemed to get much larger than a baseball and then disappear. There were five small ones the week before my sister came to town with her family and I was so hopeful that one would be ripe so that we could enjoy it while they were here. Sadly, they never seemed to get any larger.

Again, one by one the little watermelons disappeared. Over the weekend I went to check on them and there was only one left. Nearby was a bit of rind where a neighborhood critter had feasted on the mini melons. There was a bit of red left on the rind, which made me think perhaps that was as large as they were going to get. I took the little rind to 65MD to get his opinion and he agreed. We picked the lone remaining watermelon then.

Here is a picture of the whole melon. That is a peach beside it for perspective.

Since the fast was over, I decided a little watermelon would be in order. I was quite surprised when I cut it open and found this:

It was a bit overripe, and I was a little disappointed in the taste. It wasn't so sweet. We'll try again next summer. We finally found the original seeds.

The Fast

2011-09-01T09:46:00.000-05:00

I started a three day fast on Monday. I didn't tell anyone that I was to fast for three whole days, not even 65MD at first. The main reason being, that I didn't want to announce another FAIL. It was do or die time for me. I knew that if I was successful, I could move on. I really didn't know what I would do if I was unsuccessful. It really wasn't an option. I went about 84 hours without food of any kind. I drank mostly water, but did have other sugar free beverages.

On Monday morning, I got a comment from Timothy saying that he was going to stand with me in this and fast on Monday with me, which was all I'd said. He even gave me a good fast to follow. That made me cry, it was so kind. Of course, at lunchtime at work, I had to come clean about my fast, even then I only said for the day. Everyone was incredibly supportive. (Why do I doubt my friends?) Mid afternoon, someone asked how I was feeling, and I had to say I felt GREAT! My mind was clear, I had none of that vague sadness around the edges of my mind. I felt like I could run a race, I had so much energy. Monday evening, l did a full 20 minutes on the stair stepper with no problem. In fact, I went over a bit because I was watching TV and wanted to see the end!

On Tuesday, however, I woke with a screaming headache. I was a little nauseous and thought I full on migraine was in my future. I thought it might have been triggered by the fast, but wasn't going to let that deter me from my goal. Then I remembered that we'd slept with the windows open and my problem was probably allergies. Since I couldn't be sure what the problem was, I took some Excedrin and a taste of honey. By the time left for work, I felt like the old me. Tuesday evening even after the stair stepper, it seemed like I had a lot of extra time. 65MD and I sat out on our porch and chatted during the evening. It was a lovely time.

Wednesday I woke up feeling fine, no headache. I could not drink all the water that I usually do in the morning. I felt quite full and so I didn't force any more down just for the sake of getting all the water down. I got through the day Wednesday with no issues, although for some reason, Wednesday evening was the hardest part.

I feel great. I feel in control again, like the old me. I'm being extra careful about my choices today because I don't want to defile my nice clean body. I had one piece of Ezekial raisin bread with cream cheese spread on it for breakfast. So far, so good!

I had a couple of big surprises. One, I lost a lot of weight. I'll announce that on Saturday as usual. That will help keep me from overeating today & tomorrow. Second, I never felt bad other than the headache, which I'm convinced was allergies. I was concerned that going three days without food would cause some woozieness at least. I never experienced any ill effects physically. Quite the opposite, I felt great most of the time.

I know that part of is was taking control back, but I really think a larger part was the cleansing that my body needed. In fact, I felt so good, that I'm thinking of making a fast a monthly habit. I probably won't do a three day fast again, but I could easily work in a one day fast each month. I just might make it my last day of the month plan.

Feelings

2011-08-28T18:48:00.000-05:00

Feelings, perceptions, ideas and the like can seem real. They cause us to behave and think in certain ways based on those beliefs, even if those thoughts are untrue. Lately, I've been feeling fat. I've been feeling gross and just blah.

Here I am back in the 170's once again, and I'm just weary of it. I think that maybe I have some sort of subconscious reality that I'll never get out of the 170's to stay much less the 140's because this is where I spent most of my 30's.

But even though I feel gross and fat. I am not gross and fat. We moved a mirror to a different place in the bedroom yesterday, so I'm not used to it yet. This morning, after carefully donning stretchy, forgiving clothes to cover my perceived fatness, I caught a glimpse of myself in that mirror. I was shocked to see that the person looking back was not at all fat, in fact, she was quite trim and looked nice. I walked to the mirror and looked more closely to make sure that was me!!!

That experience got me to thinking about how many times I operated under false pretenses because of my own misconceptions. At the beginning of the summer last year I was in the mid 180's weight-wise. I felt great. I felt slim and pretty. I was happy to pose for the camera on vacation. I did look nice, and relatively speaking was far thinner than I had been. I want to get back to her. I'm 10 pounds lighter now than I was then, but I'm searching in my closet for the fat camouflaging clothes. I want to hide away and not let anyone see my disgusting body.

Part of the reason, I'm sure, is that I was all the way down to 163 at the end of June. I seemed to be on the right track. I got derailed over the 4th of July. Here's the worst part, I don't know why! I didn't go to a party and indulge. I spent the month of July trying to get back under control and then the season of challenges hit. I have got to break out of this mindset and break out soon.

I think tomorrow I will fast. There is something about not eating, and drinking a lot of water that is cleansing to me. I have five days ahead with no challenges. I can make those good days. I only have to live one day at a time, so I'll not worry about the weekend until it gets here. I'll have a plan for it then. I'll be in a better place mentally, I'm sure.

Saturday Scale Says

2011-08-27T09:43:00.000-05:00

This morning the scale read 176.8. Not good, not good at all. That is up 1.6 from last week, and 4.6 from the weight I decided would be a goal for this long stretch of challenges. I've got to do better this coming week.

For the week ahead, the challenges are not until the weekend. I have a high school reunion next weekend, and 65MD's birthday is Labor Day. I want more than anything to really hit it hard and be focused between now and then. I have 7 days in which to do that. But, I feel myself slipping.

My mental energy is waning. Thoughts about the futility of even trying are creeping in. This is the weight where I spent most of my early 30's. This is the battleground on which I fought and lost all those years. I've got to keep my head in this because if I can keep my thoughts right, everything else will follow. It is getting harder.

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thin, thin thread. Even though I feel like I'm gripping that thread with both hands, and doing whatever I can to hang in there I fear something will come along and snap the thread. I am so afraid of what will happen if that thread breaks. I have the mental image of a balloon full of air that has been let go and shoots all over the room as the air rushes out. Only in this image, it is my weight shooting up uncontrollably. I don't like this feeling. I don't like the lack of control that is seeping in around the edges of my thoughts.

I'm holding on as best I can, but I'll need all the help I can get. Thanks in advance for sustaining me through this.

Birthday Eating

2011-08-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

Since yesterday was my birthday, my coworkers generously offered to take me to lunch. I tried to dissuade them but it didn't work. So, I asked to go to a particular place because they serve a salad I like. But, when we got in the car to go, a new place was suggested. It was a totally new restaurant and I was up for an adventure so I agreed. I got a grilled ham & cheese sandwich on sourdough bread with a side salad. I thought, cheese & ham=protein=good (except for the processed meat part!) Sourdough bread is a better choice from the glycemic index perspective. Of course all the *good* was cancelled out by the fact that the whole sandwich was grilled. I don't want to know how many fat grams were in that! The salad was nice and light, with just a hint of balsamic vinaigrette. I left the meal feeling satisfied but not stuffed. Really, had my eating day ended with something light, it would have been just fine.

Instead, I went out for BBQ with 65MD. There is one thing this chick can eat at just about any time and that is meat. Give me a hunk of meat that has been smoked and get out of my way. I told 65MD on the way there, that I really didn't want anything except the BBQ. I didn't want fries, baked beans, corn, mac & cheese, or anything else. So, we agreed to split one of the double entrees. There was easily enough food for four or five people rather than two. I ate all the meat I wanted and a few fries while they were hot. (I've discovered that I only really like fries when they are very hot and fresh.) He ate all he wanted and we packed two to go boxes full! Again, when I walked away, I was full but not stuffed and a long way from uncomfortable. Of course, I registered a gain this morning but that was to be expected. I'm right back with the program today. No guilt, no postcheating binge, just back in the saddle.

Several times over the past few weeks, while I've had this challenging time, I've placated myself by thinking that my choices and behaviors were better than years ago. That's true. I've made tremendous progress one small step at a time. That is great. That is wonderful. That is fabulous. That is NOT the end. That is NOT the goal. Being better than I was years ago, isn't a feat anymore. I need to be better than I was last year, or better yet last month, or even last week. That is my challenge to myself now. I need to be better. I know measuring progress from last month or week, is going to be in very small increments. It is also a subjective call. It isn't easily measured and compared like my waist. Improvement can be made, however.

Today is a new year, so to speak, for me, so it is a great day to start fresh and make a commitment to be better, just a little bit better, every day. I can do it, and I know my readers will support me and hold me accountable. Here we go!

Today is My Birthday

2011-08-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday. My co-workers are taking me to lunch. I get to pick the place so I can get a nice salad. 65MD and I are going for BBQ tonight since I didn't get it last week. LOL!

We have birthday cake once a month at work, so I've already had that. 65MD and I are having a cake jointly this year and I'll make it closer to his birthday than mine.

I've decided to celebrate and enjoy my special day without guilt. I'll make the best choices I can, and not worry about it.

Water

2011-08-24T12:54:00.000-05:00

The prevailing wisdom for ages regarding the proper amount of water to drink has been 8 eight ounce glasses each day. I remember trying to do that years ago and working hard to get all that water down. I would give myself little incentives to get the water down, like allowing myself a Diet Coke if I met the goal. Over time, however, drinking 64 ounces of water became a non issue. I sipped water all day, and easily got in the required minimum. I even got thirsty for water if I didn't get enough. Water became the easy part of my healthy eating regime.

Not too long ago, I heard the idea to drink half your body weight in ounces of water. That seemed too hard. At 180 that would be 90 ounces of water. I resisted for a while, but then realized that I could work up to it. As my weight came down, the amount of water would come down to, thus meeting myself in the middle. I got down to 163, and easily chugged 82 ounces of water.

Of course, my weight has gone back up requiring more water to reach the goal, but that is not a problem now. (At least the water isn't, gaining the weight is!) Most recently, I've been drinking 100 ounces of water each day with no problem. Of course, summertime in the south helps! Something cold and wet is almost always welcome. ;-)

Yesterday, I drank 100 ounces of water by mid afternoon. I decided a Diet Coke would be good so I drank one adding another 12 ounces. Once that was gone, I still wanted something to drink and found myself near a Sonic at happy hour. I got a 44 ounce diet cherry limeade. I drank that before I left the office. Once I got home, I made myself another diet cherry limeade. I made enough to fill up my empty Sonic cup. I drank almost all of that, I think about 30 more ounces. Then I began to add up all of the ounces of fluid I'd had yesterday and realized I drank more than my weight yesterday!! If I did the math correctly, I drank 186 ounces of something yesterday.

I'm glad for that little happy because I've been having a hard time lately. I'm doing great most days, but I have so many interruptions that having any real weight loss is not happening. I'll lose a pound or two and gain it all back with one meal and the end is not in sight. Within the next three weeks, I have two birthdays, an anniversary, a holiday, a day long seminar with lunch provided, and a four day trip. Once we're back from the trip, I'll have about two weeks to recover before another trip and birthday back to back combination.

I still haven't gotten down to what I weighed before my sister's visit. That compounds my frustration because that weight was up from my lowest this summer. I've got to stop thinking about it in those terms. I've got to stop looking back and look forward. I can get there. It is going to (already has) take longer than I want, but I will get there. No one else has given me a deadline, why should I? I'll do this one day at a time, one meal at a time. I can do this. I can do this.

Just Sayin'

2011-08-21T16:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I took some clothes to my favorite consignment store and was able to pre-shop. I got some very nice pieces to add to my wardrobe, which is great. Some of these clothes I expect I'll still be wearing at my goal weight.

The reason I mention this however, is that I bought clothes in sizes ranging from 10 to 16! Since I have made it a bit of a theme of this blog to rant and rave about women's clothes sizes, I couldn't pass this up!

Honesty

2011-08-20T15:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday when I blogged about knowing the menu for dinner and not wanting chocolate cake, it was true. For 10+ years this dinner has been BBQ with white beans and slaw. Last night I was shocked to see Italian food. We were served lasagna, pasta with primevera sauce and chicken, salad bread and tiramisu.

That really threw me for a loop. My plans were to load up on the pork and have a few white beans, lots of protein with some carbs and fiber thrown in. It seemed like a good plan. I'm not a fan of Italian food, mostly because it is so tomato based. Pasta, I can generally take or leave.

I immediately went in to my default defense mode and started serving. 65MD gently pulled me away from that activity. So, I had to eat. I took some of the chicken off of the top of the pasta. It wasn't breaded and tasted smoky. It was pretty good actually. I piled on the salad which was good too and drizzled just a little Parmesan dressing on it.

I thought I had pulled it off, when the hostess came and asked if I would slice the cake I'd brought. I agreed, but it was a huge mistake. I was in the midst of all those desserts talking to the people that had prepared them and they all looked great. That and the fact that the one Italian dish I love is tiramisu. I had a small piece of that, and that was all it took to break the dam. I had homemade chocolate ice cream. Both were two things that I would not just whip up for myself. Then someone asked if I'd split a piece of chocolate cake and I did. I think I ate more dessert than food.

It just seems like any time I mention in this blog that something is not an issue for me, what ever it is rises up and slaps me in the face. I need to remain diligent at all times. Once I let down my guard, I still have that 'all or nothing' thinking that leads to just a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

This morning the scales read 175.2, so I still have about 3 pounds to get back to what I weighed before my sister's visit. We still haven't quite decided what to do about birthdays/anniversary. I'm trying to get away from celebrating with food. One of us will think of something, I'm sure.

Plugging Away

2011-08-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

I'm chugging right along again, and doing fairly well for the most part. Drinking water is easy for me now. I get thirsty if I don't get enough. Most days I swill 100 ounces or more. Getting back with the eating plan was easier than it has been in times past. I still think about M&M's but it isn't an obsession like sometimes those images can be. I am not exercising.

I could come up with lots of very good reasons for that, like the extra busy-ness of getting back to work after being off and the back to school activities for 65MD. But I know better. Those are excuses not reasons. The closest I've gotten to exercise is doing the body test on the Wii Fit. I'm only doing that to keep the thing from fussing at me for skipping a day. I know it will catch up to me soon if I don't get back with it. I even feel floppy and loose, if that makes any sense. I'll get back with it, eventually!

Tonight we have one more back to school function for 65MD. I think this is the last one. It is a sit down meal. I have the menu so I made adjustments today to accommodate the extra calories and carbs tonight. The meal is provided and the faculty bring dessert. I made a chocolate cake at 65MD's request. I'm sure it is a good cake, but I'm not all wound up about getting a slice. I don't know what else will be there for dessert, so I can't say for sure that I will skip it, but that is my leaning at this time. If I don't go over to that table, I should be fine. If I do decide to indulge, I'll have a small amount and savor it. I'll pay the price on the scales and move on.

My next challenge is my birthday next week. I've already told 65MD that we can combine our birthdays and anniversary this year and only eat out once at a high end place. He has not yet agreed to that plan because he thinks I'll wind up feeling deprived and overindulge later. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes, so the jury is still out as to what we'll do.

One thing that has come from this 'season of challenge' is I am a lot calmer about it than I was this time last year. Last year, I was freaking out that I would miss an exercise session or eat something wrong and cause a major downward spiral. I'm not saying I'm beyond that happening now, I'm still diligent. I'm just not militant. If I gain some weight back, it is a frustration, but not the end of the world. I'd like to be at my goal weight and I'd like to be there sooner rather than later, but I'd like to get there with my sanity.

I think I can get to my goal by the end of the year. If so, fabulous. If not, maybe I'll get there by the end of February. Who knows? Does it really matter? I think not. What matters is getting there and staying there. I will.

The Party's Over

2011-08-16T16:02:00.000-05:00

Early this morning, my number one nephew left for Harvard. Last I heard from him, he was in Boston. A few hours later, I took my sister and her three children to the airport for their trip home. I just got a text saying that they arrived safely. Sometime today my number two nephew will be headed to a new town a couple of hours from here to pursue employment opportunities there.

It is a strange feeling to have my family so far flung for the moment. I'm a little sad, but mostly I'm proud. I'm proud of my nephews for following their dreams and their success. They've worked hard and earned it. Even though we'll be apart, I know that I'll still be in touch. When they lived in town, we communicated more via phone, text and email than we did in person. We'll still do that.

My next eating challenge is tonight. It is a university wide faculty reception at a posh country club south of town. It is being called a 'stand up dinner' which means small things to pick up and eat. I'll eat what is appealing. If this proves to be like year's past, it wont be too hard. There is generally been a good variety of fruit and veggies. I'll stick with that as much as possible.

Tomorrow, it will be back to work and more of my routine. Friday, we have dinner for the College of Business faculty. It is the same menu every year, so I know how to plan for that as well. Even with these two challenges, I expect most of the gain from the week, will fall right back off and I'll have good news on Saturday's post.

The Trap

2011-08-14T19:24:00.000-05:00

I'm still having a great time with the family. We've had a lot of fun with the kickball (Thanks Timothy!) even though we really never played an actual game other than the two on two attempt I mentioned earlier.

Several of us would go outside with the kickball and do something though. We'd start with kicking practice. Each person got give kicks. We rotated kicker, roller and fielders each time. Chasing down a wayward kickball is good exercise for sure! Eventually, it would evolve in to something else maybe including the Frisbee or something else at hand to add to the fun.

Yesterday, after a long day of playing in and out of the house, my 13 year old nephew and I were outside playing another game with the kickball. It was similar to pitch & catch, only we were kicking and catching. I was beginning to get tired. He kicked the ball to me and I stopped it with my foot rather than reaching for it with my hands, and kicking it back. Bending was more than I wanted to do. ;-P About the time I began to mentally scold myself being lazy, my nephew exclaimed with some degree of admiration in his voice "Nice trap!" I had no idea what he meant. In fact, I wasn't quite sure I'd heard him correctly. I asked what he said and he explained that I had executed an impressive soccer move. Go figure.

Once again the girl that quit PE in the 5th grade prevails!!

Not So Good

2011-08-12T21:22:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, Thursday and today, I woke up with great determination to do well. I had the desire to make the best decisions possible about what to eat and drink. As I mentioned before, I took my food with me and even organized some outdoor activities to burn a few calories.

Thursday morning and this morning I was rewarded with small gains each morning. I wasn't happy, but tried to shrug it off. If grit and determination showed up on the scales I'd be anorexic. Honestly, I had the best of intentions both days. Until today, the M&M's had been my worst 'offense' eating-wise.

Then today happened. Too much to get into in such a short space. Briefly, my family lost a friend from childhood to complications of diabetes. She'd had it and and battled it since childhood. It made me want to hold on to my dear family so much more, but my two older nephews are 'leaving the nest' so to speak. I am so incredibly proud of them and their achievements. I would never ever dream of holding them back, but it saddens me to know they won't be right across town anymore.

I've known for some time that I am an emotional eater. So, that coupled with the frustrations of gains (less than a pound in two days), put me over the edge. I grazed all day. Sausage balls, pretzels, mixed nuts, and M&M's were in my hands all morning. I finally got control of myself and took one of my nephews out for a bit. It calmed me and we had a pleasant outing. I managed the rest of the day to eat well. I know that I'll have a real whopping gain in the morning. What else should I expect. I did the crime, now I do the time.

Tomorrow is another day...

So Far...

2011-08-11T15:32:00.000-05:00

I have a couple of hours while my sister, niece & nephews visit with their in-laws/other grandparents.

We've had a blast. The weather has moderated some and we played two on two kickball yesterday. We threw the Frisbee and played "Monkey in the Middle" with bean bags. We also got sweaty. Fun, fun, fun!

My eating was OK. I took my water and lunch to my mother's yesterday. She was a little chagrined. But only because she said she would have prepared whatever I wanted. (She'll never stop being a mom!) I also loaded up on fruit. My niece loves it too, so I got enough for both of us to share for several days.

All of that was great, and a far cry from past behaviors, but I still have a way to go. Absent minded eating is still no good, even if it is grapes rather than potato chips. And, I ate peanut M&M's, justifying it because they had protein. How lame is that? I'm not sure how many I ate, because they were in a dish. I got three or four at a time, three or four times. I doubt I ate as many as would have been in a single serve bag.

Today, however, I've renewed my resolve and so far haven't had any M&M's. I also reversed my meals and ate a large protein serving for breakfast, and will have my sugar free, blue berry muffins for supper. (I used the recipe on the back of the Splenda box. They are great.) That has helped stem the cravings. I'll probably do the same thing tomorrow, if it continues to work.

I'll keep in touch, and hopefully will have an even better report next time I check in.

Let the Party Begin!

2011-08-09T10:36:00.002-05:00

When I leave work today, I'll be out of my day to day routine until Wednesday, August 17. Until then, I'm going to have fun with my family. We have shopping trips and pedicures planned in addition to lots and lots of fun.

I have my meals prepped for the rest of the week. I have time carved out to prep my food over the weekend for the next week. The weather is predicted to moderate so we can do some fun stuff outside. I must just see if my sisters want to play kickball in the street like we did when we were kids. We could play the sisters vs the nephews & niece.

What I won't be doing is blogging. As I can, I'll check in on everyone to keep up with what everyone else is doing, but I doubt I'll take the time to blog. I'll be back in a little more than a week. C YA!

The College Story

2011-08-08T12:34:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned yesterday, I believed that I was a poor athlete as a child. It was more than that really. At some point, I really thought I couldn't do much right at all physically. I was indeed, clumsy as a child, but I played kickball in the street with my sisters and neighborhood children. I have no memory of feeling like I was any worse (or any better) than any of the other children. We taunted each other saying things like "easy out" when someone was about to kick. I don't remember believing that. Some how the trash talk was just part of the game.

I'm not sure when the transition happened, but by 5th grade I believed that I was no good at any physical activity. I made that reality in the 7th grade. Gym was torture. The teacher/coach always seemed to send me the message at the beginning of the term that he/she could whip me in to shape and how good the physical activity would be for me. I remember being mortified. By the end of the semester we were both frazzled and relieved that the whole thing was over.

I was thrilled when I learned that I only had to get two PE credits in high school. That meant after 10th grade the torture would be over. In college, I took archery (which I loved) and badminton (which I got pretty good at). Neither activity, however was a team sport. If I lost, I lost. Oh well. I was not letting my teammates down if I blew a shot. Part of my 'success' was that the pressure was off. The other part, was, I wasn't really bad after all.

Also, during my college years, there was a group of us from church that did a lot of stuff together. Sometimes that involved things athletic. I still very much shied away from those things. Anytime, someone was getting a group to play basketball or soccer or something like that, I'd gladly go and spectate. I'd cheer equally for both teams. I didn't want to pass up an opportunity to be with my friends. But since I still wanted to be friends after the game, I opted not to play.

Finally, one day one of the guys asked why I never played. I confessed that I was no good. He said, somewhat in jest, that I was no worse than any of the other girls. He was slamming all the girls, but it was a bit of an aha moment for me. I began actually watching how well everyone played, and guess what? No one, male or female, scored all the time. Everyone messed up! The difference is, no one let that reinforce the idea that they were inept in any way. They shook it off and tried again. GASP!

Buoyed by those two experiences, I started taking an aerobics class. I did great. It was just counting & moving much like being a flag girl in the band, like I was in high school. The instructor was great. She loved what she was doing and any time any one needed guidance, she was great. She helped with adjusting form without making anyone feel like they were inept in anyway.

She was so good that when I was away at school, she sent me tapes & instructions so that I could do the routines on my own. I even got a little group of girls together in the dorm and led them. When I told her about that, she helped me become a certified instructor. I led groups for several years after graduation. Yes, the same child that quit PE in the fifth grade, was a leader in an aerobics class.

I don't do that anymore. Even though I feel more confident in my physical abilities, I'm not the first one to sign up for a team sport. I'll play with my family and friends for fun and that is what matters most anyway.