Last Night

So, last night J-boy was going to be out until late.  I secretly enjoy those little times of just me, but yesterday I was a little apprehensive.  I had this great desire to eat a lot of food.  I knew that no one would be there, and no one would know just how much food I piled in while he was gone.  I also knew that I really did not want to do that.

All day, I tried to think of rewards for myself for not pigging out.  Things like, if I stayed on plan I could skip the elliptical.  Fabulous idea!!  Just like having a big ice cream sundae to celebrate losing 10 pounds. 

To complicate things further I had to make 4 dozen cupcakes.  It is very difficult for me to not taste as I cook.  I am a good cook and an even better baker.  I'm working on a blog about this and my identity.  So, I won't get in to it here.

When I got home.  I was determined.  I had my mind made up that I was not going to cheat no way, no how.  And I didn't.  I decided to distract myself, once the cupcakes were done by watching a DVD.  A friend had given me Julie & Julia.  Even though J said he'd watch it, I think he was just being nice.  If he watched it with me, I'd have to end up watching Blazing Saddles or some thing worse to make up.

Picture this, the house smells yummy from the cupcakes.  No one knows they are there but me, and I could plow through quite of few of them without taking a deep breath, and I decide to watch a movie about cooking to distract myself!!!!  Some times I amaze even myself with the choices I make.

I hung in there and didn't eat, but I have the overwhelming desire to make beef bourguignon now!!  I really am going to have to figure a way to work that in to my plan.  It seems low carb, but very high fat.

One question I had about the movie however, was why didn't Julie get fat making all of those rich meals and desserts?  The character mentioned about twice in the movie that she was gaining weight, but the actress was never padded to look like she'd chunked up at all.  It was probably Hollywood fantasy, but I also wonder if it was because the food was made from real fresh ingredients.  That is my theory because I have a thing about fresh, home prepared food, not home reheated food.

The scale said 182.4 this morning, so I really am in uncharted territory now!!

A Better Day

Today has been a better day overall.  Work was nuts, but it often is at the first of the month.  The scales were down a whole pound this morning, making up for yesterday's anomaly.  The scales read 182.8 as if to taunt me, but I would not let it.  I decided that I had reached that goal and from here on down, it was new weight loss. 

 

My next goal is 165.  That is the goal the doctor set for me in the fall.  He didn't give me  deadline.  I need to keep that in mind for myself.  This is a long journey and it will take as long as it takes.  Technically speaking, it will never be over.  I'll always have to have an awareness of what I eat and what I weigh or it will get out of control again.  BUT, I still want to give myself deadlines.  This time I am not.  Although that is very, very hard for me.  I have an appointment scheduled for June 29, and I am really wanting to be a lot closer to 165 than I am now.  I am really struggling even as I type this to say I can lose at least x lbs by then, but I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.  I am going to lose as much weight as possible between now & then - whatever that is.

And Another Thing

Just to cap my day off...I had a very large amount of green beans fresh picked from our backyard garden.  I broke them last night and put them on to cook tonight.  I had to go to my mother's, and J-boy agreed to watch them while I was gone. I told him that I'd just put them on and the flame was high.  Once they began to boil he was supposed to turn them down and let them simmer until he was ready to eat them, or I got home whichever came first.

Well...the moment I pulled in the driveway and could smell them.  J-boy had fallen asleep in the recliner and the beans had boiled over.  Perhaps I could develop a lovely stomach virus.  That would make my day complete!  I'd at least break through that elusive 182.6!

Bummer of a Day

So far today has turned out nothing like I like.  Thunder woke me up way too early and it would have been a perfect day to turn off the alarm, roll back over and go back to sleep.  Unfortunately, I have this pesky job that requires me to show up every single day, even when it is a perfect day to roll over and go back to sleep.  I dozed for a while, but even then I had to get up before my usual time because we're down a car and having to be creative with our schedules to get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there.  I checked to see if I had a headache, stomach ache, sore throat, any thing to keep me from having to get out of the bed, but this darn healthy eating is eliminating most of those aches & pains. 

 

So, I got up and weighed.  More bad news.  The scales were up 0.4 lbs.  Not much much, but that is not supposed to happen at all on this program.  A gain indicates eating off plan, but I have been 100% compliant with the plan.  I tried not to get too upset about it, but still it was irritating.

 

Before I left home, one of my employees called to say she was too sick to come to work.  I was a little jealous.  Then I got to work and encountered one problem after another.  I took it on the chin all day.  Computer problems, client issues, whatever could go wrong did.

 

Finally, I got a minute to contact the hcg place to find out what do to about the gain before it got out of control.  I don't want to waste the stuff.  It is expensive.  I learned when I ordered this latest round that my favorite contact had moved on.  She deserved to, she was good.  I was given a web address to use for any questions I had.  So I had to send my question to an unknown entity.  I haven't yet heard back.

Now, I'm home and it is pouring rain again.  Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Weigh In

This morning the scale said 186.4.  That is a whooping 0.6 lb loss from last Saturday.  But I had to lose all the indulgence weight from Sunday & Monday.  Next week will be better.

Perfectionism

I have always struggled with understanding why I am fat.  I wasn't born that way.  In fact I weighed just over 2 pounds at birth.  I had no childhood trauma to cause me to retreat in to a wall of weight.  I had a very typical childhood, I suppose.  After getting over the preemie thing, I always tended toward the upper end of the  weight charts.  I was called 'fat' by the meanies at school.  I really wasn't fat, just not as bony as the other children.  Maybe I internalized that more than I realize, but I don't think so. 

 

I think genetics played a significant role in the extra weight, plus I never have been a vegetable eater.  Looking at family reunion pictures, I think most would agree that genetics could have dealt me a hand that included the fat card.  It is on both sides of the house.  The really, really thin people are the in-laws or the ones that got lucky genetically from the other side of their family tree.  Perhaps the genes I have and the poor diet got me to 254.4 on the scales and maybe I can even blame that for the struggle to take it off, but I don't think that is the whole story.

 

As I've considered this issue, and read what others have endured, I've continually come back to the fact that I have no one or no thing to blame but me.  I even thought I had no issues to work through.  Frankly, I've got a pretty good life - good job, great husband & family, wonderful friends - no real complaints.  So what is it?

 

I contemplate my blog posts for a while before I post them.  I've been mulling this one over probably since the inception of the blog if not even beforehand.  I've thought and thought about how to present my childhood and words like idyllic came to mind.  I didn't (and don't) want to over blow things, but comparatively speaking, my childhood was indeed idyllic.  As stated earlier, I got teased by the meanies on the playground for sure - who didn't?  But I had a loving family around me all the time.  My parents loved each other and my sisters and me.  I had and still have a warm relationship with my cousins, aunts & uncles on both sides of my family.  As I struggled to find a way to depict my life, without sounding too perfect, I realized that was my problem all along - perfectionism!!

 

I don't do anything before I take a good assessment of the situation and see what my odds are of 'winning'.  If I'm not going to, I don't do it.  I mean anything from playing sports to going to school to changing jobs.  Same with this weight loss thing.  I mentioned in my second blog entry about past failures and 'all or nothing' thinking.  I could not see my success because I had not attained the ultimate goal.  I addressed that some without even actually identifying it, when I left the final weight goal undefined.  It was a little head game I was playing so that I would not fail yet again.

 

In the back of my mind, however, I had a goal to lose 100 pounds.  At my lowest weight on this journey, I'd only lost 71.8 pounds.  (I'm at 65.4 right now with the indulgence days damage.)  Even then I kept thinking that was only 70% of my goal.  That is only a C if your teacher is a generous grader.  That is average.  Why in the world would any one want to be average!!!  Not me.  I want only to be exceptional.  What I have to do now is learn that every pound lost is a victory.  That is success,  Good heavens, losing 70 (or 65) pounds is exceptional.  Most people don't do that.  I am successful now, no matter what else happens.

 

On the other side of this coin is arrogance.  I don't want to become vain or conceited.  I certainly don't want to alienate my friends, particularly those that are a few steps behind me on this journey.  I need to learn how to balance the two.  I need to learn how to recognize and even celebrate my accomplishment without becoming prideful, but with encouragement.
 

I Feel Awful

I feel rotten.  My body feels like one great big bruise, my stomach isn't right somehow.  I have this vague nausea that makes me wish I would just puke and get it over with.  But, I'm not sick.  I have no fever, no sore throat, nothing to make me think I need to see a doctor.  I think I'm suffering from a food hangover.  I just feel gross.

 

Sunday and Monday were indulgence days for me.  It takes 48 hours for the hcg to work in to your system so the food plan for those two days literally uses the word gorge.  As in the past, I went to the store to load up on treats.  This time I felt like I was more controlled in my purchases.  I was really taking some pride in the changes over the past year and was quite pleased with myself for the positive changes I'd made.  That is until I got to the ice cream...the grocery store had all of the personal sized ice cream in all brands & flavors on sale for $0.88!!!  I started sweeping that stuff in to my cart like there was a time limit on the sale.  As I was checking to make sure that I had at least one of every flavor, my hands were shaking!!!  It wasn't from the cold of the freezer section either. 

There were two food items I was particularly looking forward to.  One, of course, was ice cream and the other was a hamburger on the grill.  Both of those things were as good as I anticipated.  But, I should have stopped with one serving of ice cream.  I only ate one burger, but I made onion rings to go along with it.  And those two treats weren't the only ones I had.  I ate cheesecake, potato chips, cookies, fried chicken, biscuits, sausage & bacon too. 

 

I ate those things not so much because I wanted them, but because they were/are not allowed on my current eating plan and therefore 'bad' foods.  I somehow thought that if I did not eat them then, I would regret it later.  Now, I'm having regret of a different sort, not to mention the weight gain, but that isn't really part of the issue.

 

I've been looking for a way to incorporate indulgences in to my routine because I've known for some time that the cheat days just weren't working.  I'm beginning to formulate an idea.  I know that for now, I'm going to have to eat a very restricted diet.  That is the only thing that really works for me with regard to the weight loss.  I think the switching back & forth between the strict, strict dieting and the low carb is also the way to go - for now.  So that is what I'm going with.

 

I know this won't work forever because I can't live like this forever.  I can and plan to eat a more low carb diet going forward, but I have to rethink 'bad' foods and not forbid certain foods once I get to my goal.  I can't go back to the old way of eating because eventually, I'll gain everything back.  But, I've learned that for me, totally removing something and calling it 'bad' just makes me want it that much more.  So, while still vague and unformed, I'm thinking the long term plan is to allow everything, but not everything all the time. 

 

The main lifestyle/diet/eating plan would be low carb - the day in, day out, routine of eating.  On holidays, birthdays, special occasions, I'll allow myself the foods associated with that.  That way, there is no pressure to eat while it is 'legal' like I did this weekend.  I know it is a head game,but that is the battle field for me.  I actually kept on eating onion rings even though they were beginning to gross me out because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat them until my next cheat day. If everything is acceptable to eat, I think I can choose not to eat it more often than choosing to eat it.  I also think I'll stop at satiety rather than stuffing it in like there's no tomorrow, if I know I can eat it any time.  

 

I'm also going to try and remember just how bad I feel right now, and know that I have the power to change it.