Go Figure...

Today my weight was back down to Monday morning's weight. I hope that yesterdays weight was the anomoly not today's. I'm going to be extra dilgent today so that I lose 0.2 pounds in the morning.  I have all my meals planned and entered in sparkpeople, so all I have to do is do it!

TMI

In the interest of full disclosure, I am blogging about my evening yesterday.  This is definitely TMI, so those who are squemish or faint of heart should stop reading now.

 

J-boy and I sat down to a lovely dinner.  It was the first time in a good long while, that I'd come home from work and prepared a meal for both of us.  We agreed last year when I started the hcg, that we would each do our own things for meals.  Only on rare occasions had I prepared a meal for anyone other than just me.  J-boy told me several months ago that he missed that.  It was a sweet thing, not a jibe at me at all.  One of the things we both looked forward to upon reaching my goal weight was me cooking again for both of us.  This time making healthy, nourishing meals.  We had some nice pork that I had started in the slow cooker and finished in the oven so as to get rid of most of the fat; green beans fresh from our garden; and macaroni & cheese made with low carb macaroni and real cheese, not that powder or processed cheese food.  I entered everything in to sparkpeople before I ate to make sure it fit in my plan for the day.

 

We ate, and talked about how nice this was.  We discussed how nice it would be going forward to eating real food together.  We even speculated that J-boy might trim down a few pounds.  It was good. We cleared the table, put away the leftovers, loaded the dishwasher and moved on with our evening.

 

Still reading?  Here comes the gross part...

 

Then the pains hit.  This was way more food than my body was used to having at one time apparently.  It was not happy at all.  It decided that the only thing to do was eliminate it in the most violent, painful way possible.  OK, maybe not, but boy was I sick.  It took a while for the food to works its way through my digestive tract and it hurt every step of the way. 

 

I tried to keep a positive spin on it, thinking that I'd lose more than my goal of 0.2 pounds this morning since everything I'd eaten was racing right on through.  That was not to be.  This morning I had gained 0.6 pounds!  Of course that blows all of my goal calculations from yesterday.  It also stuns me.  How in the world did my body hold on to that many calories/water/whatever?  Now I'm back to reconsidering this whole 'normal' eating/1200 calorie minimum thing.  I simply cannot afford to gain any more weight back.  I'm open to suggestions.

Turning the Page

I keep a little notebook in the bathroom and record my weight in it every morning when I weigh. I use that data to build very elaborate spreadsheets with graphs to document my every movement on the scales. I love data, analysing, parsing, sifting, whatever. Yesterday, when I recorded my weight, it was at the end of the page. I had another gain, but it was smaller than the previous day, so I thought to myself then, that I could be symbolically turning the page in my weight loss journey as well.




I had committed to eat at least 1200 calories each day, following the sparkpeople plan, on Friday. My commitment was wavering with each gain registered, and I was really beginning to question just how long I was going to let this go on. Of course, I had to have a plan for this next stage if sparkpeople didn't work. I didn't have good answers to either concern. It was hard watching my weight creep up and seeing all my hard work, and struggle slip away. It was hard to eat and watch the calorie count go up and up believing that the only thing my weight would do/could do was go up too. I was seriously questioning my ability to maintain once I got to my goal, if I ever got to my goal. I had a dark weekend in that respect.



This morning, I approached the scale with as much trepidation as I did over a year ago. In between times, the scale and I had made friends. Now that friendship was being tested. I considered not weighing, but felt like that would only lead to denial and more weight gain. So, I stepped on the scale. This morning my weight was down 0.2 lbs. Not much, to be sure, but movement in the right direction finally. If I can pile on 0.2 and 0.2 day after day the weight will slip on down. That is what I want.



I still have 3.2 lbs to get down to my lowest weight in recent times. I understand that might take a couple of weeks. That's OK. I'm adjusting my expectations. I have 31.6 lbs left to go to get to my goal as of this morning. Over the weekend, as I was doing all of this contemplating with J-boy, he said he'd rather see me eat normally and take the rest of the year to get to my goal, than to try and speed through this with all of that frustration. I have had this dream of what life would be like at my goal weight, what I could do, eat, wear and put my life on hold. We agreed that I would act as if I was at my goal weight now with respect to those things and let my weight catch up with me.



I'm in a better place mentally, just because of the little loss this morning. I believe now, that I have turned the page physically & symbolically. Time will tell.



I just did the math, because that is how I am, and learned that if I lose 0.2 pounds each day between now and December 31, I will be at my goal. I can do that!

Saturday Scale Says

This morning the scale read 176.2.  That is up 2.4 pounds for the week.  Not what I wanted to see, but what I expected to see.  I managed to eat 1171 calories yesterday.  I'm counting that as a victory, mostly because I am trying to get away from this all or nothing attitude that I addressed in yesterday's post.  Also, because I decided to do it in the middle of the day at work, so I had a lot of calories to eat when I got home.  I didn't want to pile in too much.


One of the fears that I had yesterday became a reality this morning when I stepped on the scales. I knew that my weight would go up.  I prepared mentally for that as much as I could, but I still didn't like it.  I know to expect that for a while until I find the sweet spot with the calories, but does anyone know how long that will be?  I am really wanting to manage my expectations this time. My birthday is the 25th, so I was vaguely thinking that might be a good time to expect the numbers to start going down.  Is it?


Also, I'm going to have to measure success a different way, like staying within my calorie range.  At the same time, I know myself well enough to know that I'll get all  wound up in that and start keeping charts, etc. to show myself just how good I really am.  I just don't think that I can let my self go completely without parameters.  That is how I got to 254.4 to begin with.  Any suggestions?  I'm totally open.  I really want to do what is best now.


BTW, I opened the agave nectar last night and put some in my tea.  It was good. I really do like sweet tea better.  It had a bit of a honey like taste, but not nearly as strong.  I drank my tea, and enjoyed it.  Then I put the glass in the sink and moved on.  I did not binge or even think about it.  Honestly, I was still scared to eat very much!  How weird is that?  Now, I'm trying to figure out how to force myself to eat.  Like Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say, "It's always something!"


Thanks for you support yesterday.  I know I'll get some good suggestions today.

A True Test

This morning I had a true test of my new attitude. The scales were up one pound, bringing my weight to 175.6. That is back in obesity by 0.1 lbs, or 1.6 ounces. Not much, by any one's standards, even mine. I probably could have trimmed my fingernails and slipped back down. But since I am working to develop the notion that something is good or even great even if it is less than 100% I wrote down my weight and went on.

I've decided that I am something beyond a perfectionist. Somehow 100% to me seems like average. Somehow I have to be just a little bit better than the best. I'm beginning to wonder how anyone can stand to be around me. Not that I hold others to that standard - not at all - they couldn't quite do it anyway. That's the attitude that I wonder how people can stand. I'm not being gracious to others and harder on my self. I just think that others aren't quite as good as me! I really just had that epiphany as I was typing this out. Who do I think I am? Good grief!!! I apologize to all my friends. I am so sorry for thinking that I am better than you, even if it was on a subconscious level.


Back to my original thoughts...My idea that I had to be a little bit better than expectations spilled over in to weight loss this way. If for instance, I was counting calories and allowed myself 1200. I tried to only eat 900. Part of it was a legitimate fear that I'd miscalculate and go over without really realizing it. The other, and larger part, was the thought that if eating only 1200 calories is good, eating even less is better. Then it became that eating 1200 calories was failure. Counting carbs, the same thing.  Whatever the plan was, I 'improved' it for me!


This week, I set a goal to workout 3 days a week. I've worked out 4. I was mentally patting myself on the back for exceeding my goal, when I began to recognize this issue. I'm eating far less than any weight loss program requires and exercising more. I think I'm starving my body and it is holding on to everything it can.


So beginning today, right here, right now. I am going to eat at least 1200 calories per day. Sparkpeople recommends 1200 to 1550 for my weight and the amount of weight I need to lose, so I feel like that is reasonable. I will follow the workout schedule outlined there as well as much as I possibly can. I don't have all of the equipment required, so I'll have to do some modification, but I will not do even 5 minutes extra to make myself feel like I'm better than the rest of the masses that use sparkpeople.


Right now I have two very strong feelings. One is fear. I am scared to death of failure. What if I eat 1200 calories and gain weight? What if I eat something that triggers a binge? What if I miscalculate and go over 1550? I bought some agave nectar over the weekend to use in my tea. So far, I haven't used it because I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of losing control. Maybe that is exactly what I need to do; fail and recognize that I'm not all that. Fail and recognize that the world keeps turning in spite of me. I'm just human.


I remember how freeing it was to be at my sister's house a couple of weeks ago and not be in control of the food. I am the one imposing these horrible standards on myself, which only induce failure. Who could hold to these impossible standards all the time? Not even me - superwoman. I am the only one that can lay those burdens aside and adopt a more realistic approach to life. That is what I am going to do.


I am also very humble and contrite. I can't believe I was so blind to my own self arrogance. Once again I apologize. And I thank my friends for sticking with me.


I'm scared!

Strange, Strange Body

I had a bit of a bounce after the family reunion,even though I stayed on plan. I ate protein, skipped the chips, dessert, etc. I always think that the deprivation, so to speak, should result in a loss not a gain. I gained 1.6 pounds instead. I feel like I took the gain in stride. I always think that sudden large up ticks like that have got to be water. And since some of the protein I'd eaten was a hot dog, I thought that again this time. As a general rule before, once I got back with the program the regain fell right off. But the last couple of months that has not been the case. I've been great with both my eating and exercise this week. I have stayed on plan and done my workout every day. I've lost 0.4 lbs. I still have over a pound to go to get back to the pre-reunion weight. Ordinarily, I'd be lamenting the fact that I was having to lose this pound again and that it was taking too long. But not this time. There are two reasons for that.

First, my body is shrinking. It doesn't make sense, but I don't care.  It is easy not to get upset at the number on the scale when that is happening. I have been stuck in a 16 for a very long time now. Finally, this week the 16's are all getting loose. I'm getting some clothes together to consign and I tossed a couple of size 16 skirts in there that are too big in the waist. I think next time I go shopping, I'll try on a 14. Today I am wearing a dress that I haven't worn in close to 15 years! This dress predates the 177/117 pound guy. I asked J-boy before we left if it was out of style. He said no. It is a classic style, so I ventured out. So far, I've received lots of positive feedback on the dress today.  (I am at lunch at work right now, I'll post a picture of the dress when I get home tonight.)

The second reason isn't as easy. It is an attitude adjustment. As I've said too many times to count, the battle is much more in my mind than anywhere else. I am trying to use this time as an opportunity to learn the way I need to eat going forward and to break through some of those perfectionistic tendancies I have. I am trying to be thankful for this time, knowing that it is serving it's purposes. Eventually, I'll get to my goal. It may not be as soon as I had planned when I started this journey, but I will get there. When I do get there, I will be well equipped for whatever is next.

My boss just handed me a note that says "Scales mean weight, not worth" as if to confirm my resolve not to let this pesky pound get the best of me.

A New Month

Today starts a new month and as with almost every blog I've read today, I decided to make a fresh start with the new month.  I did not exercise formally last week.  I knew I would have a hard time passing up family time for elliptical time.  So, this month J-boy and I have made a pact.  My part includes getting back on the elliptical at least three days per week.  I do best with five times per week, but I am still working on the achievable goal stuff too!


My birthday is the 25th of this month, and between now and then I have no parties, reunions, pot lucks or anything else to hinder me with my eating or my exercise.  I'm ready for it.  Because once my birthday hits, we have J-boy's on September 5, and our anniversary on September 11!!  Then it is on to Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas - oh my!  I've got to make the most of these easy three weeks.  I will and I will post my progress here.