Focus

The scales are finally moving back in the right direction.  And like I always do, I search for the reason why.  I want to be able to replicate my success.  So, I've been trying to do some self anaylsis.  I haven't been very successful with that, or at least I thought I hadn't been very successful until I had an epiphany yesterday.

I've been busy.  That is why I have not had time to FOCUS on what I was doing right, or even wrong.  I've been largely relying on instinct.  I've been prepping my meals in advance more because time has been an issue.  I know if I spend a chunk of time every 3 or 4 days to measure my portions it will save me time in the long run.  So, without much thought, I grab the meal I want, eat and move on with my life.  No calorie counting, no carb counting, no fat grams, nothing.

I've already portioned my food and I eat.  At meal time there is no epic struggle with what or how much to eat.  I just do it.  I think that is how naturally thin people do it.  (Except I don't think they premeasure everything a few times per week.)

Every day, I get up and the scales have slipped down again.  Every day, I am thankful and think I need to figure this out.  I need to sustain this success.  What is the reason for this new found success?  Am I better motivated now?  Is it this local, grass fed beef?  Am I just better in tune with my body's needs?  But, I haven't had time to actually FOCUS and decide what was what.

Then it hit me.  I had FOCUSed far too much on all of the above.  I'd FOCUSed on carbs, calories, and fat.  I'd FOCUSed on organic, and natural.  I'd FOCUSed on graphs and spreadsheets.  (OK, I still do that!)  When I quit trying to laser in on food and make it my FOCAL point, I quit stressing and let meals happen.

Weighing and counting every bite of food that goes in to my mouth drives me insane.  I can't do it for long.  When the weight loss slows or stalls, I start looking for a problem with the calories/carbs/fat/whatever!  I get lost in all of the minutae of the situation.

As I said earlier, I'm still measuring my food.  I know what I'm getting, but I don't agonize over every meal anymore.  I think that's the key.  Food is no longer my FOCUS.  Since I'm not wasting a lot of mental energy wondering about the food, I am relaxed and finding greater success than ever before.  65MD even mentioned over the weekend that he liked the way we were eating now.

Life is good.  I am grateful and will do my best to never ever FOCUS on food over life.

A Trip to the Grocery Store

The other day, I had to go to the grocery store and it was cold and rainy.  It was the kind of cold, drizzly rain that seeps into the bones.  It seems to make me cold from the inside out.  The trip was a requirement or I would not have made it.

Since it was so bad out, I told myself that I could park in a closer spot.  I did not have to park in my favorite far away spot just this once.  I felt like I was being kind to myself rather than coping out.  Once I gave myself permission to park as close as I wanted, I felt a little better about getting out in the cold and damp.

I went to the store, parked, made my purchases and walked back to the car.  As I returned to the car, I realized, I'd parked in my favorite far away spot!  I had managed to forge my way through all of the 'bad' weather without a problem.  I was thrilled with myself.  I was so glad to  know that the 1000 mile challenge last year really paid off.

It is a habit now, in spite of myself!!!

February

YUCK!  I don't like February, never have.  Of all the months of the year, I like February the least.  (I worked very hard on that sentence so it wouldn't read "I HATE February!")  February is a month to be endured.  The cold, dreary days of winter seem to linger too long this month.  I know it gets cold in March and we've even had snow in April, but the promise of spring seems much nearer to me on March 1.  The best thing I can say about February is it is the shortest month.  It must be endured for only 28 days.  Leap years are always insulting to me.

I have been trying for some time now to reframe bad stuff so that it is more tolerable ala Pollyanna.  Go get the book and read it right now, even if you read it as a child.  Read it again with adult eyes and perspective.

In that vein, I am trying to cast February in a more positive light.  I already started by saying it is the shortest month.  I am going to keep focused on my healthy eating and exercise goals so that I will weigh less in February.  There aren't a lot of social obligations this time of year like in December to derail me.  65MD and I have always gone our own way for Valentine's Day, so that won't be an issue.

On March 1, I will look back and see how much progress I made and I will remember February as the month I moved forward towards my goals.

Emotional Eating

I am an emotional eater.  That isn't news to any of my long time readers as I have made that statement before.  This weekend as I had some 27 hours all alone with myself, the memory of my first emotional eating episode came to mind.  I'll share it now with the request that it be read gently and if anyone have any insights to share them kindly.  I am not a writer.  I do not articulate myself well in written form, but somehow my readers know what I'm trying to communicate anyway.  I'm sure that this time will be no different.  I look forward to reading the comments.

When I was a little girl, I had an uncle that I loved dearly.  He was my Daddy's youngest brother.  When I was a preschooler I considered marrying him.  That was before I knew that relatives didn't get married, not even in the south.  I still loved him and he loved me.  He seemed to understand my shy nature more so than anyone else.  We had lots of good times together.  He never pushed me to be anything other than me.  I flourished in that acceptance.

He died very suddenly and very tragically when I was in the 6th grade.  I remember vividly the moment my mother told me.  I remember the feeling of all of the air being suddenly sucked out of my lungs. I remember literally struggling to breath.  The emotional pain was so deep, it manifested itself physically.  I remember the trip to my grandparents house, playing mind games with myself.  Making up scenarios in which my uncle wasn't really dead.  Maybe he was just hurt very badly and my mother misunderstood.  Maybe we would get to my grandparents' house only to have to meet them at the hospital.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

We got to my grandparents and my worst fears were confirmed.  The house was filled with sadness.  All of the family was there or would soon be there.  It was as if there was a fog in the house and we were stumbling around, not knowing what to do.  Everyone was sad.  Everyone.

My grandparents were long time residents of their community and were very well respected, so there were lots and lots of people I didn't know there.  They were grieving along side us.  They brought food and stayed to offer whatever comfort they could.  We were all stunned in a way that is indescribable to someone that hasn't lived through that kind of pain.

Being so horribly shy, and devastated by the loss, I was totally overwhelmed.  I didn't know a lot of these people and they were wanting to hug me.  My grandfather was crying openly for his son.  I'd never seen that sort of sadness.  (Even now as I type this I feel the tightness in my chest and have to pause to get a deep breath.)  In the midst of all of this, I began to eat.

It wasn't a conscious decision as I recall.  I don't remember thinking, if I eat, I'll feel better.  I just got a plate and started eating.  No one told me that I shouldn't feel bad, so I wasn't stuffing the emotions down.  Everyone was sad.  I knew it was OK to be sad, but I'd never felt sadness on such a deep level.  I felt lost and alone.  Even in the middle of my family that I knew loved me as much as they loved my uncle, I felt lost and alone.

My grandparents house had a large kitchen with lots of counter space and a great big table where we could all eat together.  There was not a speck of room in the kitchen for any more food at all.  Maybe that sent me the message that food was supposed to help.  I don't know.

I remember eating copious amounts of fried chicken.  This chicken had probably been alive earlier in the day.  It had been heavily battered and fried, most likely in  lard.  I poked  through the dish and found the one with the most 'crust' on it.  I really didn't care which part it was, or if it was white or dark meat.  I wanted the crispy batter on the outside.  Of course, I'd been trained not to waste food, so I ate the whole piece.  It was the price I had to pay for the part I wanted.

I remember eating so much chicken that I hurt from being overstuffed.  No one stopped me.  No one asked if I was really hungry.  No one said anything.  I think no one noticed.  I think that everyone was so consumed with their own emotions that a quiet little 11 year old girl slipped their notice.

Don't get me wrong.  I am absolutely not angry with my family.  They were just doing the best they could too.  As a child, I had not developed any coping skills to deal with something of this magnitude.  I'm sure my parents never imagined that my sisters and I would need those skills at such an early age.  We all just did the best we could in those circumstances.  My choice at that time was to eat.

So, that's my story.  That is, I think, the first time, I turned to food for comfort.  I don't know why the memory surfaced this weekend.  It did, and I think there is a reason for it.  Maybe I'll learn that later.  Maybe I won't.  Maybe someone out there will see something obvious that I missed.  Maybe not.  Right now, I feel like the only thing I am supposed to do is share the story.  I have.

Please be gentle with me.  This was harder to share than the P90X pictures!

The Scales Moved!

This morning the scales finally moved down.  They moved down a whole 0.2 pounds.  Ordinarily, I'd be glad for this move.  I'd see is as a first small step in the right direction.  Not this time.  While I'm glad for the loss, I'm not all jazzed up about this being a good thing.  Let me fully disclose my day yesterday and see if anyone else agrees.

I had a late breakfast, skipped lunch and then had an early supper.  Breakfast was on plan, supper not so much since it was in a restaurant.  Even in the best of circumstances it is just hard to know what is really on that plate.  Was it really prepared the way I asked or not?  Generally a meal out, always means a gain the next day.  Add to that, I only drank 3/4 of my general water intake yesterday.  The day just did not turn out as expected.  It wasn't a bad day by any means, just a different day.  I'm OK with that except that it impacted my eating.   I should stay in control of that no matter the circumstances.  Anyway...

Remember that the other day, I gained two pounds after a textbook perfect day of eating and drinking.  I've learned for the most part not to let that bother me.  While the gain itself didn't send me in to a tailspin, I did not like the fact that it stayed around so long.

Now, after having a not so on plan day and to have a loss creates a negative reinforcement I don't want.  I can just hear myself justifying something by thinking that I lost weight after eating out, so why not eat X.  My thought process will go something like this:
 If eating on plan = Gain and
 Eating out = Loss then
I  should eat ice cream.

I am glad for the loss and I am telling myself it could have been more if I'd stayed more with my program yesterday.  My body is just weird.  I don't know if that is true or not.  I'm still telling myself that.

For the record, breakfast was late again today and I've not had lunch yet.  But it is ready to eat when it is time.  And, I've had all my water.  I'm getting back with it.  Maybe tomorrow, I can report that the rest of that 2 pounds is gone.

No More Porn

I bet I get a lot of hits from that title!!!

So far, there has been no more porn.  Either changing my password worked, or it was just a one time weird thing.

I haven't lost that pesky two pounds yet either.  I've been doing well, drinking my water and keeping the carbs low.  I'm frustrated but not discouraged yet.  I'm taking the advise I so freely dole out to my blog friends.  Keep doing what I know to be right and the scales will catch up.

What? and What!

 Today I've had two great big surprises.  I don't know what to make of them and any advise in either area is greatly appreciated.

Yesterday after a letter perfect eating day, the scales jumped two pounds this morning.  65MD was so surprised that he made me weigh again in front of him.  We both agreed it had to be water and would drop back down soon enough.  We were together all day so he knows what I ate as well as I do.  Of course, he lost weight.  Strange things like this have happened to me all along this journey so I'm not that upset about it.  I'd prefer that it not happen, but it does.  I just have to be strong and keep doing what I know to be right.

The bigger and much more distressing "WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" is that somehow my blog, this blog, has subscribed to porn.  I nearly fell out of my chair when I called up my reading list.  I was assaulted with picture after picture of things I did not want to see.  I have no idea how that happened.  I did nothing different yesterday than I do every other time I post or read.  I've changed my account password.  I've heard that helps but I don't know how.  Any suggestions?

I don't think the porn is where any one can see it but me.  If anyone logged on to read my latest diatribe on losing weight, and saw that stuff, I apologize.