I Am Hungry

I am having a hungry day.  I'm talking stomach growling hungry not a craving for a specific off limits food.  I have battled it back all day.  I'm weighing my food so I know I'm getting the proper amount.  I am chugging water like mad and yet my stomach growls.

Typically, the weight loss battle for me is largely in the mind, waging those mental wars about justifiying this or that off plan food.  Now, I'm having to do battle with my body.  I know it has enough food.  What is up with the starvation act it is giving me now?

In the Groove or In a Rut?

I had a strange week this week with a lot of appointments and work outside of my cozy little home office.  It was fine.  We had wonderful weather and I was glad to be out in it.  I was a little worried initially because I'm not used to taking food with me any more.  I plan my meals and eat at home the vast majority of the time now.  I made it work.  I did not use this as an excuse to eat off plan.  I just did what I needed to do without really considering eating off plan.

I was discussing this with my sister, who had gastric by-pass surgery about 10 years ago.  She has kept most of her weight off but still yo-yos those last few.  I'm not sure how many maybe 10.  Anyway, as we were discussing our various weight loss strategies, she said the only way for her to be successful was to "get into a rut."  By that she meant doing the same thing over and over without much thought, making it a natural part of her life.

I laughed because I have said many times, that I needed to "get in to the groove" meaning much the same thing.  I told her that I liked my terminology better because it doesn't sound like a bad thing.  Getting in a rut seems to me something that needs to be remedied, not something for which to aim. 

At any rate, we agreed that we were in good places right now.  That is always a good thing.

What a Week!

I've been working on a few posts on varying weight loss related issues, like exploring the motivation issue a little more or sharing some of the latest mind games I'm playing.  But those posts will have to wait until another day.  Today, I have to share my week. 

On Monday, I had reason to believe that my computer had been breached and all of my private information had been stolen.  I totally freaked out.  I called everyone I knew with technical knowledge asking how to repair the problem.  Every 'fix' I was given felt much like closing the barn door after the cow had escaped.  At any rate, I spent the past two days doing everything possible to ensure the safety of my data.

Tuesday was the busiest.  I changed all of my passwords from another computer, not the one I generally use.  Of course that took a while because between email, bank and social froums, I had a lot of passwords.  I selected a unique password for each venue which was the easy part.  The hard part was getting to the right place to log on to those sites since I did not have the benefit of my bookmarks.  Most of the passwords, I remembered even though many of them are saved for me.  This consumed me all day.

What does this have to do with weight loss?  I'm getting to that point now.

I was totally stressed and had a knot in my stomach that made me feel quite nauseated.    I noticed the time at about 1:00 pm and realized, I'd not had a bite to eat all day.  I did not want to eat.  The thought really did trigger my gag reflex.  So, I went with it.  I didn't eat.  After all, I really didn't have time to spare to go prepare something to eat.  I had to get the passwords changed and scans done.  When 65MD got home that evening, I did eat a little supper.  He was much calmer than I was about the whole situation and helped me to calm myself some.

When I weighed Wednesday I had dropped 1.8 lbs!  I think my metabolism must have been running in high gear all day because of the nervous energy.  That coupled with minimal food finally led to a significant loss.

Now, I don't advocate losing weight this way, but I'm looking to it as a bright spot in all of the chaos around me now. This morning I had not regained the weight after a more normal eating day yesterday.  I spent a large chunk of yesterday rescanning and double checking.  I've heard too many horror stories about people getting hacked.

This was a very, very scary situation for me and I wonder if this had happened 4 years ago, would my reaction been different physically?  I think I would have had a knot in my stomach, but I wonder if I would have tried to push the knot away with food.  I wonder if I would have tried to squelch the fear with more food.  I wonder if I would've emerged from this situation heavier rather than lighter.  Who knows?  We don't live parallel lives to answer such questions with certainty.

I do know that I did not use food to fix anything associated with this problem.  It never even occurred to me.  I faced what I had to face as head on as I possibly could and food took the back seat.  I think that is emotional growth. 

Let's hope I don't have to realize emotional growth this way again.  This was horrible and I don't think I could endure it again.  My mind has eased some, but I don't think I'll ever relax again when it comes to my safety and privacy on the web.

Goals & Motivation

It is apparent to me now that I must have some clear motivation to get to my goal weight.  When I started this journey four years ago my motivation was skydiving.  There was a weight limit and I exceeded it.  I thought I'd have to prove that I was under the limit in front of a crowd.  Looking back that was a silly notion, but it worked so I don't care.  Since that time, I've had various reasons to lose weight and they've worked for at least the short term. 

At two points along this journey, I've been 20 pounds away from goal.  I sit here today 60 pounds away.  I'm tired of that.  I've got to find a way out that will be for good.  As resolute as I am and as adamantly as I shout I will never regain those pounds again, I know I need something more than determination. 

I also know that a goal to be healthy just won't work for me.  That is just to nebulous and hard to measure.  I can't go get a blood chemistry every week to see if my cholesterol is in the right range.  I really don't trust my feelings as to how to determine if I feel better today than I did last week.  Besides there are too many outside factors that determine how I feel about my fitness.  Not all of which I can control.

Right now, I have a good motivator in that I have a wedding coming up on May 12.  That is great!  I'll be spot on with my plan between now and then.  That is the 'easy' part.  My problem is May 13.  I have to have something beyond that.  Something bigger than a date on the calendar.  I know from experience that I need more.  I just haven't put my finger on it yet.

For now, I'm enjoying the motivation that the wedding brings and maybe by the time May 13 arrives, I'll have hit upon something else that is more far reaching and sustainable than a date on a calendar.  I'm open to suggestion.

BTW, since I made the change that Sharon suggested, I haven't had any more of those spam comments.  I hope the changes don't make it to difficult for me to get the comments I really want.  Please let me know if anyone is having trouble.  I don't want that.

Comment Spam

Nothing to say about weight loss just yet.  It is a little too early yet.  Instead, enjoy the humor of some of my 'comments' lately.

I've been getting a lot of spam comments again.  I mean like 8 or 9 several times a day.  Most of the time, I don't even look at them.  I recognize them right away and mark them as spam.  Today, I decided to share a few.  No sense in me having all of the fun alone.

"Write more, that is all I have to say.  Literally, it seems like you relied on video to make your point.  You obviously know what you are talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something enlightening to read.  My website...
 

What????  Has anyone seen a video on my site at all?  I hardly even post pictures.  (I do feel a little bad about that when I see so many well done blogs with pictures.  But that is another discussion.)  At least the grammar is OK.

How about this little gem:

"Thank you for the good writeup.  If truth be told was once a leisure account it.  Look advanced to far introduced agreeable from you!  By the way...
 

Um, I don't understand that at all.  Most are more like the later rather than the former.  Apparently written with the aid of a translator.  From my limited knowledge of how to explore these things, they are coming from South Africa.  I don't know what it is about my blog that is attracting this kind of traffic.  I know it is not that compelling.

I'm not about to be a free source of advertisement for these folks.  I've not clicked on any of the links to the websites mentioned at the end of each 'comment' for fear of what is really there.  So, I laugh at them and move on.

I did upgrade my security and change my password since  they'd suddenly become so prolific.  It seemed the prudent thing to do.

 

Spring Break

Hello!  I didn't mean to leave my blog hanging, flapping in the breeze like I did.  I especially did not mean to disappear on a negative note like I did.  But, I did.  We all know that we can't plan life, so stuff like that happens from time to time.  I'm not in a bad place and did not disappear because I couldn't face my blog.  On the contrary, I was out living it up.

Last week was 65MD's spring break.  We agreed to do a stay-cation this year for a variety of very good reasons.  We had in mind to push along a couple of home improvement projects and take a day trip or two.  I thought I'd be dropping in here and there all week, so I didn't mention it.  We got caught up in our week, and the dropping in didn't happen.

Another thing that didn't happen was meal planning.  I did not count calories, carbs, fat grams or anything else like that.  We spent the whole week doing what we wanted when we wanted including eating.  We slept until we woke up, went to bed when we were tired and ate when we got hungry.  It was wonderful.  It was just what I needed to clear my head.

Don't misunderstand.  We did not pig out.  We simply ate what was on hand when we got hungry and did not worry about how many fruit servings we'd had for the day.  I did continue to weigh daily.  My weight fluctuated but not wildly.  I think this is what maintenance will look like one day.  I'll buy good, nutritious food and eat it when I'm hungry. 

It is a simple concept, but one that has been hard for me to implement because for so many years, I was on a diet or not on a diet.  I was eating well or pigging out.  There was no such thing as moderation.  Now, I know I can do it.  Now, I know that once I get to goal, I'll know how to manage myself.  Maybe that was an unrecognized fear that I needed to work through.  We'll find out soon enough.

For now, I'm back with my plan and on line.  I'll keep my progress posted as I slip down the scales.

Happy Anniversary NOT

Over the weekend, I let two anniversaries pass without noting them on this blog.  The weekend marked 4  years since I started this particular weight loss journey and three years since I started this blog.  I knew they were coming.  I didn't just let them sneak up on me and not acknowledge them. 

In fact, for some time, I was mentally writing my "Happy Anniversary to Me!" post.  The one where I extol the virtues of weight loss.  The one where I list innumerable things that are better in my life now than three or four years ago.  The one where I cheer for myself.  The one where I offer words of wisdom and encouragement to everyone else still struggling.  Only I didn't.

I couldn't.  It felt like a fraud.  It felt like a great big lie to celebrate the loss of 50 pounds when I had lost 90 pounds.  It was only two short years ago, that I was less than 20 pounds from my goal weight. for heaven's sake!  But, I have spent the last couple of weeks as though I am trying to set a record as to the number of times one individual can cross between 199 and 200 pounds!  It seems like a con of epic proportion.

I'm still trying.  But boy am I frustrated.  There is no reason for the stall.  There is no drama in my life.  There is nothing to keep me from eating on plan.  In fact, most of the time I am totally on plan.  The little jaunts off plan seem minor at the time.  A bite of dark chocolate is really a healthy choice, right?  How about 3 bites?  How about 10?  When does it move from being a healthy indulgence to cheating?  I think that is my problem now.  I 'cheat' on plan.  I've found the loopholes and I slip through them.

I'm not letting this happen again.  One way or another, I'll be at my goal weight in March 2014.  Once I get there, I'm staying.  I'm tired of this.