I Read My Own Blog

Yesterday I was trying to remember when something happened.  I remembered blogging about it at the time.  I had a general idea as to when it happened and the title of the post, so I thought it would be simple to find.  I wound up spending more time than I care to confess reading my own blog.  I found what I was looking for.  But I also found two things I wasn't seeking.

One I found a lot of treasures in the comments sections.  I was reminded of the great support I get from my readers.  Some of the very things I do now, are directly related to suggestions from my readers.

Two, I realized how I tend to forget the bad stuff.  Generally speaking I think this is a good attribute.  I can move on from a difficult situation without holding on to anger or sadness.  But, since I tend to put those memories aside, I start wondering why I'm having such a hard time now. I begin to wish it could be as easy as it was over the summer, or some other time.  Now, when I start to become nostalgic for those 'easy days' I can look back and get an accurate picture of what was really happening.

If it was indeed, and easy time, I can see what else was going on.  I can see what elements created the ease and do my best to recreate them.  If it was not an easy time, I'll quickly recall the situation and stop beating myself over how life is right now.

I think I will continue to read my own blog from time to time.  I never know what sort of gem is awaiting me.

Doing Great!

I've been happily relishing family time, as a result I haven't posted as much as I like.  I want everyone to know that I am hale and hearty.  I have had a change of mindset that seems to have suddenly happened, although the truth is, it has taken a while.  That is I feel thin.  I feel like I'm at my goal weight.  It is almost as if these last few pounds are already gone.

I know, and have known all along, that my body perception is not an accurate reflection of reality.  Even though, my brain knows I still have quite a way to go to get to my goal weight, my heart is already there.  If I can keep it that way, I'll be fine.  I don't want to believe the not yet accurate perception of myself to the point that I stop trying to get to my goal weight.  At the same time, I said from day one that I was not going to get caught up in the numbers to the point that if I didn't reach a magic number on the scale that I'd consider myself a failure.  I think I've gotten there!

It is a delicate balance to be sure.  I'm going to have to remain diligent, especially during this time of overindulgence that the holidays bring.  I feel good.  I feel like I can do it. 

I think the tipping point came during the shopping experience I described in my last post.  Seeing myself in the mirror in only my bra from the waist up was not/is not the way I generally see myself.  I am either wearing a bathrobe or clothes when I see myself in the mirror the vast majority of the time.  The only other time I see myself in the mirror, I am completely naked before a bath or shower.  Believe me, I avoid that!  When that happens,  seeing myself totally nude, I only see the belly flab skin that hangs down now.  At the store, that was covered. 

At the store, I saw the best parts of myself.  Now, that image is burned in my brain.  Now, I am consciously, purposefully remembering that image.  This isn't an ego thing, or a conceit thing.  It is a very pleasant, happy reality.  I need that.  I need to replace those negative body images with positive, and thankfully real, ones. 

I think this is key.  I think this is the missing link for which I have searched for nearly three years now.  I believe things like this happen when they are supposed to.  I don't lament the time as lost.  There were other important lessons I was learning.  At this time, this is my lesson.  I am learning.  I am happy to learn!

A Shopping Experience

 I am not a black Friday shopper.  As much as I love a bargain, I hate crowds more.  Besides, I'm one of those really strange people that buy gifts throughout the year.  I love finding a unique gift while traveling.  But in honor of black Friday and all of the avid shoppers out there, I want to relay a recent shopping experience.


I've been wanting a festive Christmas sweater.  I had quite a few when I was heavy, but they're all long gone now since I'm so much smaller now.  I stopped by my favorite retailer earlier this week.  I'd seen a circular so I had an idea of what I would find, but I have to see the item in person and sometimes on before I know if I really like it.

I found a beautiful red sweater with red 'fur' trim around the neck and silver, jeweled snowflakes on it.  It was quite pretty but I decided I really didn't want to spend that much money on a sweater I could only wear a few weeks per year.  I found another red sweater that looked quite festive, but wasn't not particularly Christmas-y looking.  I could wear it now, but really during any of the sweater season.

I decided to take a size large in to the dressing room to try on.  There was a small, medium and extra large but no large.  The medium looked plenty big, so I took it.  As I disrobed in front of the mirror, I actually had the thought that I looked skinny.  Then I remembered the Seinfeld episode where Elaine accused a store of having skinny mirrors.  LOL!!

Anyway, I was quite surprised when the medium was too big.  Now, there was a time in my life when I would have rushed from the dressing room and snatched up the small sweater regardless of the price or how it looked on me.  I would have worn it with the tag sticking out so everyone could see that I was wearing a small, as if that made it a reality.

This time, I was irked.  I know that even if I am thinner than I was, I am not small.  Not yet anyway.  I'm still getting a little miffed as I type this.  Clothing manufacturer's are enabling the obesity epidemic in our country by mislabeling clothes.  I've ranted and raved about it on this blog before, so I won't get in to a whole thing about it.  I'll just say, while I'll still patronize that retailer, I won't purchase anything from that manufacturer.  It just isn't right.

Loose Threads

Last week at this time, I was lamenting the triple threat that was my weekend.  This weekend was much better, so it is a good time to catch up on those situations.

First the weekend weight gain issue - Even though I didn't get all of my water down either day, and I ate out twice, I only gained 1.4 lbs.  One eating out occasion was planned and one was not.  I feel fine with the little bounce and know that it will be gone soon enough.  I believe I am making progress on the weekend issues and soon enough, they will no longer be an issue.

Second, the problems at home won't change.  I have no control over that.  I have  control over how I respond.  I'm working on better ways to do that.

Third, the changes at work I wasn't at liberty to discuss aren't going to happen.  So all is well with that.

I have a Thanksgiving luncheon tomorrow at work.  My plan is to revert to my default behavior and serve.  I'll go through the line last.  I'll load up on protein and minimize the carbs.  I'll report back with the results on Wednesday.

Saturday Scale Says

This morning the scales read 173.6.  Down 1.4 pounds from last week.  I'm pleased with that number.  If I can do as well next week.  I'll really be pleased. 

I was prepared by the hcg rep that I would not lose weight as quickly on the cleanse, so my expectations are not that high, plus I have two Thanksgiving dinners next week.  I'm telling myself it is only food, and I can make it or get it any time I want, so I don't have to eat it all at one time.  I'll enjoy the company and the spirit of the occasion along with the right amount of food for me, and maybe a little treat.

We're having a great day here, moderate temps and lots of sun.  I'm going to go enjoy it before the rain comes in.  Have a great day, everyone!

Victory Thursday

The biggest victory for the week for me is rising above the chaos which is my life right now, and eating the way I need to.  It is incredible.  I don't really know how it has happened,  but it has. I am deeply grateful.  If I were spending time beating myself up for poor eating choices, I'd probably be curled in the fetal position in a corner sucking my thumb.

Somehow or another, I have a peacefulness about everything.  I know deep down inside that everything will turn out just like it is supposed to - at home, at work and with my weight.  I don't know how and I don't know when, but I don't need to know those things.  I just need to rest in this place of peace; this oasis in the desert.  That is my only job.  I think I can do that.

Thank You!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support yesterday.  All of those comments cheering me on actually brought a tear to my eye.  It means more than I can begin to describe to have that support from people I've never met.

I had another good eating day yesterday, and I expect no different from today.  I'm taking each day as it comes and making the best of it, with a little help from my friends - YOU!