Fifty Day Report #3

My thoughts are rather scattered today, so I'm not sure if this post is going to make much sense.  Sometimes, I've discovered if I just start typing the thoughts begin to settle, maybe that will happen today.

I began to think last weekend that the protein drinks had run their course as far as weight loss is concerned, but thought I'd stay with them since it is relatively simple.  No real planning is involved other than choosing which meal to eat and which two to drink.  I have stuck to that for the most part this week.  There were two days when I ate two meals rather than one.  One was the day I ate a clementine & banana for supper trying to sate an overwhelming desire for cookies.  The other day was yesterday when I had a business luncheon and J-boy's Christmas dinner for the College of Business.  I feel good about the choices I made at both meals, and the best news in all of this is, my weight has stayed the same for three days!!  That has never happened before.


I weigh myself every day and will continue to for the accountability of it.  I know myself well enough to know that is a necessity.  Most of the time, it has no impact on my mood.  I don't walk away from the scale feeling like a failure if my weight is up.  Generally, I try to analyze the eating of the last few days and see where the problem is so that it can be corrected.  Lately, I've had dramatic swings in my weight, as much as two pounds up or down.  I know that most 'normal weight' people don't weigh themselves daily so they don't know if their weight fluctuates like that or not.  I suspect that it probably does.  I think that when I get to my goal weight, I'll have a zone of tolerance, of maybe two pounds up or down.  Right now, my goal weight is 145, so any thing between 143 & 147 would be acceptable when I get there.


The issue now is getting there.  I have known for a while now that I'd start back on the hcg in January.  I've had it for several weeks, but I knew better than to do anything that drastic now.  That is totally unrealistic and asking for failure.  So...now my dilemma, what to do between now and January.  I know telling myself to eat intuitively is the same thing as telling myself to eat up, but I also know that I don't want to start anything new for just two weeks.  Even though the drinks aren't creating the loss I'd like, I'm maintaining, so right now I'm leaning towards continuing with those, knowing there will be more days ahead when I'll have two meals.

We have two Christmas gatherings tomorrow.  One is an open house at the university president's house, and the other is our annual Christmas Extravaganza at church.  Both places will have lots of finger foods/stand up meal type things to eat.  Other than the chocolate fountain that the prez has always had, most of those things I can pass up.  I can get a nice mug of cider and walk around with that, so people don't ask if I'm eating or not.   I can have a clementine or some nuts before each event so that I'm not hungry and tempted to over indulge at the chocolate fountain.  I think I'm OK with that.  I'll just have to decide day to day what that day's strategy needs to be.

For my 50 day goals -
1.  Drink two protein drinks per day - qualified check
2.  Exercise three times per week - check (but only three and not hard exercise either, just enough to keep my from lying on the blog!)
3. Lose some amount of weight - check, only 1.8 lbs but it is a loss
4. Water - the actual goal was to fill my water bottles on the weekends just like during the week.  That hasn't been a problem.  I have diligently filled the bottles, what I haven't done is drunk the water!!  I already confessed that earlier in the week, and I've been much better the rest of the week.

Now, I'm off to bake cookies for the church party tomorrow.  I'm always asked to help with those because I'm good at it.  ;-)  That is probably why I've had cookies on the brain this week though!  Wish me luck.

I Wanted Fruit

This morning just before lunchtime, one of my coworkers came walking down the hall towards me. She was wearing one of those cute sling backpacks, because she's just stylish that way, but more importantly, she was carrying a container of chopped fruit. It was one of those containers that comes from the grocery store already chopped. It was so pretty and refreshing looking. I wanted that fruit. I wanted her to offer me some just like I used to want people to offer me cookies, but alas she did not.

Another co-worker offered me doughnuts, but I really didn't want one. There were even some snowman shaped ones. They were probably even cream filled. To make the snowman, there was a doughnut without a hole in it for the body and a doughnut hole above that to make the head. They were cute to say the least, but they really had no appeal to me. That particular brand of doughnut just isn't my favorite. They taste a little oily to me. They always have. The difference now is, if I don't love it, I don't want it. It isn't worth it.

I've become a little hesitant lately to point out those small changes that are taking place for several reasons. One, I don't want to come across as a braggart; two, it seems like once I become aware and pleased with myself about something I immediately stumble; and three. sometimes they are so small they are almost imperceptible.

But, today I am setting a goal to blog at least one NSV each week. I'm running the risk of being perceived a braggart, but that is a risk I'm willing to take. I'm determined to break the cycle of two steps forward, one step back, because I think it is important to look for those nearly imperceptible changes. Those small changes, the ones that happen without that internal struggle, or at least not any more, are the ones that will last. They are the things that become second nature. Things like choosing fruit over doughnuts because that is what I really want. I think those small changes get lost in the epic ones and all I focus on are those.

I want to raise my own level of awareness regarding those changes, and be happy with myself for those things. I don't want to be down on myself because exercise is a battle every day for me, or that I still want cookies like crazy. It is all to easy for me to notice that struggle and feel like I am failing, when all around me are those little choices moment by moment, when I make the right choice and don't even realize it.

Care to join me? Every Thursday I'm going to blog about the little things I've done that week that were good choices. I don't know how many weeks I'll go. We all might decide it is too braggadocios, or we all might move in to a place of better acceptance of ourselves. Let's see what happens.

I Blame the Cold

In yesterday's blog, I failed to mention that I haven't had all of my water at all this week.  I was concentrating too hard on not baking and eating a whole bunch of cookies.  On Monday, I only drank about half of the water I brought to work.  On Tuesday, even though I was at the office party for several hours, I managed to get in about 3/4 of it. Today, finally, I got all of it down.  It was hard, it took a lot of effort.  I blame the cold.


As I have mentioned before drinking water is the easy part for me.  It is almost second nature.  Lately, however it has been cold here.  I know I have some readers in the Pacific Northwest, so highs of 30 degrees is nothing, but for me - that is C.O.L.D!!!  I cannot stand to be cold.  The office is a chilly office even in the middle of the summer.  One of the ladies actually brings a lap blanket to keep her legs covered as she works, so it isn't just me.  Drinking water makes me feel even colder, so I'm not getting it all down.


I'm learning to dress in more layers, like 4 or more.  I've asked for underarmor for Christmas, so hopefully I'll thaw a little bit and get back to drinking water without a thought again soon.


Just for the record, I didn't eat any cookies last night.  I did eat a banana and a clementine rather than the protein drink.  I think that was a fair exchange.  Thanks for the encouragement yesterday.  It is good to know I'm not alone.

This is Hard

 I don't think I've ever tried to adhere to any eating goals this time of the year, other than indulge!!  Even last year after I'd lost the largest amount of weight in my life, I don't remember struggling like this.  Which is one reason I wish I'd had started this blog earlier.  I think these memories fade.


Today we had our office Christmas party.  It was a lunch event.  The food was quite good, also very rich and high calorie.  I ate it knowing that I'd have my drink this evening.  That was the plan all along, but now I'm struggling not to go grab something sweet.


I almost let myself not exercise, but I did.  That was really a big victory.  I had no excuse not to, and I knew I'd have to report on Saturday, so I did.  Go, me.  Now, I'm blogging to keep from eating.  I want cookies!!


Tomorrow should be a good, clean eating day. I have no challenges to derail me except my own little brain.  Thursday, I have lunch with a woman that may assist J-boy and me facilitate our grief group in January.  I can handle that with a small salad.  J-boy's college party is Friday, and the university has two holiday gatherings, one of which is Sunday.  Sunday is also our church Christmas program with cookies & cocoa. 

I know I have to be extra good now, if I want to have a small treat or two over the weekend. Instead, I keep thinking that old way of 'chuck it all until the first of the year'.  That is what had kept me overweight & obese for so long.  That is what needs to change.  Change is hard.  This is hard, but I'll be glad when the scale is down on January 1.  No cookies tonight!

Fifty Day Report #3

I'm still plugging away at the 50 day goals I set for myself last month.  It hasn't been easy, with all of the leftovers, but it is different somehow as well.  In the past, I would have eaten the leftovers as quickly as possible, so as to get rid of them.  They would be on my mind continually until they were gone.  This year, I've eaten only a reasonable portion as allowed by the protein drink program, which is one meal per day, with total calories not to exceed 1200.  It really isn't hard.  BUT, my issue this year is watching the leftovers languish in the refrigerator. 

I gave as much away as I could on Thanksgiving day, but I still came home with quite a bit.  I've taken stuff to work just about every day this week, to the point that people were asking what I'd brought to eat that day.  Still there is a good bit of food in the refrigerator.  J-boy is whittling it down, but he too, is trying to trim a few pounds.  So there they sit.


I don't like waste.  My plan today is to see what will freeze.  I'll try to freeze individual portions so that once thawed, J-boy and I can eat them.  What I can't freeze, I'll try to give away today.  I really don't want to throw away what was once perfectly good food because it has sat around and spoiled.  None of this, except for the cranberry salad, is sugary or high fat.  It is just too much.


My lesson for Christmas, is not to 'binge' cook.  I'll select one or two special favorites and make a reasonable portion.  A portion that can be eaten in one sitting or easily eaten within another day or two.

On to the goals:

1.  Drink protein drinks two meals per day - check
2.  Exercise at least three days each week  - check
3.  Lose some amount of weight - check
4.  Fill water bottles on the weekend to ensure getting 64 oz in - check - The bottles were filled first thing this morning and I'm working on the first bottle now.

Perceptions

Perceptions are funny things, and reality as the adage goes. I'm having a weird time with my body perception lately. I am now certain that I was in denial with regard to the size of my body before I lost weight. When I saw pictures of myself, I thought that they must have been from a bad angle or something like that. Deep, down inside someplace, I knew this because often I'd point to a large woman when J-boy and I were out and ask if I was bigger or smaller. Poor man. I think he fibbed a time or two.

With that in mind, I've been asking him to find comparably sized women when we are out. I'm still trying to get a handle on my true size. I think at my biggest, I perceived myself to be about what I am now, too heavy for sure, but nothing that a few months of strict dieting couldn't take care of. (I know better on both fronts now!) I saw pictures of myself recently, and I've wondered who she was briefly. At least, I thought she was cute. :) Adding to the confusion is a new haircut. Who knew getting bangs cut would make such a big difference!?!

The picture I saw was a thumbnail print out of all the employees, contractors, and interns at my office. Someone had the bright idea to take a picture of everyone and put it on the shared drive, so we could keep up with the interns in particular. They change from one semester to another. One of the Admins was put in charge of taking all of the pictures. Once she had taken all of them, she printed the thumbnails out in black & white and asked me to review them. I do the payroll, so I would know if any paid employees were missing. I immediately scanned the paper for my own picture to see just how bad it was, when I saw 'her'. I really did think she was cute and wondered why I didn't know her. I looked closer because it was a very small picture. Then I remembered seeing her in the mirror recently! It was a small picture. I am so glad I didn't ask who she was!!

I've caught my reflection unexpectedly in a store window as I'm passing by or getting a glimpse of myself in a mirror that I didn't know was there and think that woman is a nice size, and I'd be glad if I could get to her size and realize it is me.

BUT, before I get too enamored with my new look, I am brought crashing back to reality. J-boy made a short video on Thanksgiving Day of me & my nephews chatting as we finished our meal. My first thought was that my hair was cute, and I was glad I'd gotten the cut. Then my sister entered the frame. She had gastric bypass surgery about 8 years ago. She lost all of her excess weight and has kept it off. My face compared to hers looked positively swollen. I've mentioned my 'youthful face' before, but it is really a euphemism for chubby cheeks. Truth be told it wasn't just my face, she's smaller than me all over.

Then earlier this week, I put on my size 16 blue jeans that I'd had to take up in the waist. I was feeling pretty good about my itty-bitty waist, when I caught a profile of myself in the mirror. The itty-bitty waist was eclipsed by the bubble-butt sticking out behind it.

I'm using these two episodes as motivators to stay on track since I know I have nearly 35 pounds to get to my goal, but at the same time, I'm wondering what's real???

Whew!!

After five glorious days off from work, I jumped back in the deep end of the pool!  Life will be like this for at least the next six weeks.  Of course, we our social calendar has ramped up again too.  I feel good still.  I have a plan and I'm sticking to it.


Although, I'm not posting like I'd like to, I'm reading blogs.  I'm doing fine with my eating, and I've actually exercised two times this week.  I'm looking forward to posting a big loss on Saturday.