She is a dear friend, but I must confess right now, that I was insanely jealous when she uttered those words. Eating what I wanted, when I wanted AND in amounts that I wanted seemed like an impossible dream at that time. Maybe in heaven, I could do that, but not in this life. Then, I thought I would enjoy eating ice cream, pizza, brownies, potatoes and on and on without any reprisal from my body. What was so special about her? What was wrong with me? Why could she eat anything she wanted and not pay for it the way I did?
Now, years later, I think I understand a little better. She wanted different things to eat. She didn't (I'm guessing) like the feeling of being overfull. She understood her body's signals for hunger. Food and eating were as natural for her as breathing.
Lately, I've begun to understand her comment. I am beginning to not really want copious amounts of heavy foods now. Sure, I like a good slice of pizza now and then, but I don't want half a pizza any more. I don't like the heavy feeling. I am beginning to recognize the signs of satiety. AND, the fact that too much food leads to too tight clothes, sore joints, etc.
This is a journey. I'm still learning. I'm not there yet. I'm not to the point that I can honestly say that I eat what I want, when I want, in amounts that I want. I think I'm closer to that goal now that I was when I heard those words. That is a good thing. I am clinging to that right now.
I am clinging to the fact that progress is being made no matter how small, no matter how infinitesimal the measure. I'm in a hard place right now. I think the right thing to do is to truly learn and obey my body. But that is hard. It would be easier in some respects to go back to the hcg and watch the pounds slide off. Instead, I inch forward slowly and I quickly fall back miles. I try to learn the lesson of the relapse and inch forward again.
It is no fun, but it is the right thing. Once those new habits are second nature, this will last a lifetime. There will be no more good food/bad food. No more guilt with eating. Just peace with eating what I want, when I want, in amounts that I want.