As I was considering exactly what to do to get back on board with the weight loss, I was reading through some of my favorite blogs. One thing I was thinking of doing was posting my weight every day. Then I read this. I decided to join Sharon in posting my weight every day.
This is a little scary, knowing that tomorrow I'm going to eat birthday cake. I'm already working on how I'm going to fit that in to my calories for tomorrow, so this is probably a very good accountability strategy for me, even if it isn't very interesting blogging!
Monday morning's weight was: 181.2. If my weight goes up, I'll confess what I ate.
There are rules to accepting it, but I'll have to do those later this week. I have something else on my mind to discuss today.
I was reading a novel yesterday in which one of the characters was trying to lose weight and getting discouraged. Another character was encouraging the first explaining that she was in the middle and the middle was the hardest part. That struck me quite profoundly, I must say, probably more than the author of the book meant. I'm not sure since I just started the book.
I'm in the middle of my weight loss journey now too. Closer to the end than the beginning but in the middle none the less. The beginning is all exciting because of the potential. We believe that this will be it. This will be the time that the weight comes off and stays off. We look forward to the positive changes to be had at the goal. At the end, we have been successful. We have the joy of knowing we accomplished what we set out to do.
This whole thing got me thinking about other goals in my life and how hard it was in the middle, and my own desire to speed up the middle and get to the end. One example is getting my BBA. I remember that last semester of school. I could not wait to graduate. I'd sailed through school. It wasn't like I'd struggled every step of the way by any means. I was a good student, and made good grades. I was just ready to get on with the rest of my life. I wanted to land the dream job and get on with real life. Some how to me the whole education thing was just a dress rehearsal for the real stuff. Looking back, I think I cheated myself some. I didn't really take the time to enjoy that last semester of school. I had already checked out mentally on that part of my life. I was not unhappy, but I did not take the time to enjoy that last leg of that journey.
I believe that I am now on the last leg of this weight loss journey. It is hard, here in the middle, to believe that this is an enjoyable journey. I just want to be done. I just want to move on to the 'real' life that is waiting for me ahead. But what about now, am I too focused on the end that I'm not enjoying the now? Surely, there is joy to be found along the way, lessons to be learned and memories to be made. I'm going to try and learn the lesson of the middle. It isn't a bad place to be, even though it may be a hard place to be. It is an important and vital part of the journey.
This is my last semester of undergraduate school. I'll have the rest of my life to do what comes next. Here's to finding the joy now, right here in the middle.
Lately my blog entries have been whining and complaining about eating out, going to parties and gaining weight. Life's hard, right? I thought for a change of pace, I'd whine and complain about something else today. Clothes.
I'm not sure what size clothes I wore when I started this journey, but it was at least a 20, more like 22 though. Now, I'm firmly entrenched in a 16. Some of them are finally beginning to get a little roomy on me. Like most women I had clothes in all sizes in my closet when I started, but as I lost weight I got rid of the fat clothes as quickly as I could. I have a huge pile of clothes that I am taking to consign this weekend. I'm very excited about that. I'm taking the profit to buy new clothes, probably not brand new clothes but new to me clothes. But my point is, I have been able to 'shop' in my own closet for clothes as I've lost weight. I've filled in some with new pieces, but for the most part, I've had plenty to wear from my own stash.
I've been incredibly blessed in that a friend of a friend has lost weight and cleaned our her fat clothes of which, quite a few fit me. I don't have an ego problem wearing another woman's fat clothes because I'll be out of them soon enough myself, and I'll pass those along to the next woman on her way down. Now, for the first time, I've got a wardrobe I didn't have before. It is all new to me and I'm a little bewildered. I didn't buy them, or shop for them in any way. They were just given to me. The hand-me-downs are very nice stylish clothes, which have come to me in a couple of large doses. I got the latest batch on Friday last week, and I have worn something new every single day this week and I haven't worn everything yet!! It has been a huge, huge blessing for me.
I got a extra large sized garbage bag crammed so full of clothes that I could not lift it. Fabulous, yes indeed!! Baffling, bewildering, confounding, that too!! It is like I stumbled in to another woman's closet when I'm trying to get dressed in the morning. I don't know what goes with what. I'm talking about skirts & blouses don't even get me started on accessories. I have more scarves, necklaces and bracelets than most specialty shops.
It is a strange experience to say the least. I have always had this fantasy about getting a whole new wardrobe. Now I've got it and I don't quite know what to do!! It is a fun problem to have. I hope to have it again in a couple of months.
...often go awry. And they did. I had my meals planned for the day to accommodate a particular meal at the restaurant we'd chosen. I had considered calories and cost and believed I had made the most of both factors. As soon as we'd taken our seats J-boy told me that I should order based on what I wanted to eat, and not to worry about the best deal or calories. I am not blaming J-boy at all. He was wanting to unburden me and allow me the freedom to celebrate my birthday unfettered by the two things I use so often to bind myself. Besides I think it turned out nicely.
I was easily swayed and changed my order completely. I ate until I was satisfied and quit. I asked for a take out box for the rest. I now have it for another meal, as I ate about half. The biggest problem I had was the free dessert. There is no choice in desserts, it is an ice cream 'sundae'. I put sundae in quotes because is was just three scoops of vanilla ice cream covered, and I do mean covered in hot fudge sauce and then some whipped cream. My idea of a sundae involves more goodies than that, but again, maybe it was a good thing.
I was completely satisfied and feeling good about my decision to get a to go box. I really could have eaten more, so it was a bit of a struggle not to have a few more nibbles. When the server brought out the ice cream I asked for a spoon for J-boy. He didn't object. I dug in. I didn't wait for him, after all it was my birthday. Imagine my surprise when I put my spoon in the middle of that pile of chocolate, right in the middle of it, and came up with only sauce. I thought surely there was a brownie or something else substantial down there. Undeterred, I put that in my mouth and swallowed, and dug in for more. Once I realized that there was only ice cream, hot fudge & whipping cream, I ate several bites of it and let J-boy finish up.
Bottom line, I ate too much. My weight was up this morning as a witness to that fact. The good news in all of this is, I ate less. The 'damage' I did was minimal by comparison to year's past. I'm back with the plan now and I want to stay on plan. Tomorrow is another faculty do-dah for J-boy and I'm almost dreading it, thinking I have to go off plan again!?!??? How weird is that??? (I really don't have to go off plan. I know the menu and I've already plugged it in to sparkpeople for tomorrow, but I'd much rather have a nice fruit plate.)
My birthday celebration started yesterday and will last through next Tuesday!!!! Every chance I get, I sign myself and J-boy up for birthday clubs. It is a great thing because they give free stuff to club members on their birthday or various other times during the year. I've lost count of the number of restaurant chains and ice cream parlors I have received coupons from since last week. In year's past, I would have used every single one of them, and anxiously anticipated J-boy's cache starting next week. (Most of the places send the coupons electronically the week before your birthday and they are good until the week after.)
This time it was different. My frugal nature wanted to take advantage of all of the free stuff, but I was sort of nervous about all of the calories involved. Really, I got sort of fidgety and anxious thinking that I was somehow obligated to cash in all the coupons. When I finally considered it, I realized that there were only two eating establishments that I really enjoyed and wanted to patronize for my birthday. I even asked J-boy if we could use one for my birthday and the other for his since our birthdays are so close together, but he thought I might feel deprived and over indulge in other areas if I cut back too much. He is often much wiser than I, so I agreed.
Last night we went to a hamburger place, where my coupon was good for a free hamburger. I knew exactly what I wanted, so I went to the establishment's website and easily found the calorie count. It was set up where the hamburger could be customized so that there was no doubt as to the number of calories. For instance. the burger I wanted came with mayo, but I hate mayo with a deep passion generally reserved for vegetables. So, I selected the burger then customized it to have no mayo, and for the record no tomato too, but they don't have a lot of calories. I also wanted fries because they have really good thick steak fries. Once I had my calorie count, for that meal, I knew how many I had left for breakfast & lunch. (Planning is key in a situation like this!)
As soon as I got home from work, I hopped on the elliptical and went for it. Every time I felt like slowing down, I thought about those french fries and kicked it back in gear. I had one of the best workouts I've had in a while. I was motivated!!
I feel good about it because I'd planned for it. When I got home, I didn't feel like I should just eat everything else because my calorie budget was blown. It wasn't. My weight was up 0.4 lbs this morning, but I know it wasn't from overeating. I think it was the salt on those fries, which by the way, I did not eat all of!
Tonight, we'll be going out again. Once again, I have decided what I want and how much it will cost in calories. I'm looking at it just like cash. I only have so much to spend and when it is gone, it is gone.
My sweet family has agreed to a joint party for J-boy and me next week. That will eliminate one eating occasion. My 20 year old nephew is making the cake. I can't wait to try it. My plan for that party and whatever J-boy chooses for his birthday will be the same as last night. Budget my calories carefully and exercise my tail off!! Whew...I think I can do this.
Today I weighed 178.2. That is up 2 pounds for the week, for a total gain of 4.8 from my lowest point recently. I'm feeling rather indifferent about that. It was neither expected nor planned, but somehow I'm not all that upset. I'm not happy, but not really bothered. Maybe I've finally come to the place where I know that I'll get the weight off, but I also know life happens. Even though I'd still like to be at my goal weight by the end of the year, and I think that is still doable; I also know that the world won't end if I don't. I'll just keep going until I get there, whenever that may be.
There will be another challenge awaiting me when I get there - maintenance. I wise commenter told me that I needed this time of plateauing for a reason. I believe that. I'm going with it. I'll keep doing what I know to be right, and soon enough the losses will start piling up again.
Last night wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated.
I had time between work and the dinner to exercise, but not shower. I decided to go ahead and work out, but not to full intensity so that I didn't sweat!! I thought that would be better than not exercising at all and far better than getting all sweaty and then trying to be fancy!
Upon arriving, I discovered that there were lots and lots of good food options and I took advantage of most of them! All of the food was that little teeny tiny stuff. Since it was sort of a fancy event, it seemed proper just to take one or two. There was a table with fruits & cheeses, so I got two chunks of watermelon off of it. The 'main course' was some sort of bacon & tomato thing which I skipped; mini roast beef slider-type sandwiches. I ate the meat out of one and tossed the little bun. I also ate one shrimp. It was huge. There was also a vegetable table. I got three asparagus spears off of it. The plates were little and mine was fairly full at this point, so I stopped.
Then there was the demon dessert table. My choices were mini strawberry shortcake, white chocolate macadamia nut cookies (regular size), brownies (about 1" x 1") and strawberries. I grabbed 3 strawberries and one cookie because those are one of my very favorites and got away from there ASAP. The strawberries were some of the best I'd ever eaten. They were sweet & juicy and such a pretty, pretty red, almost like they weren't real. After I'd eaten mine, and a few people nearby commented as to how pretty they were, I began to wonder what had been done to them. I wondered if they'd been soaked in some sort of sugar concoction or something. I savored the cookie as much as I possibly could. My instincts were telling me to scarf that puppy down and get a handful more and pile those in too. I squashed it as much as I could, after all I couldn't embarrass J-boy in front of his colleagues. I finally caved and ate one more cookie and a brownie.
It was a bit of a challenge to figure out how to put all of that stuff in sparkpeople, but I managed. When it was said & done, I was a little surprised to see that I was actually under my calorie goal for the day. I decided that was OK, particularly since I had to guess as to how much roast beef was on that little bun, and stuff like that.
I'm calling this a success and am planning to build on it.
About three weeks ago I blogged as to how I had three weeks with no big challenges on the horizon. I was determined to make the best of the situation and really drop the pounds. I didn't. It isn't that I wasn't on plan. I was. It just didn't happen. During that time period, I have gained 4.8 lbs!!!! Stunned is the word I'd use to describe how I feel about this. It was definitely not my expectation.
Now, my three weeks of freedom from eating challenges is over. I am looking down the barrel of the busiest party season of the year rivaling only the Thanksgiving/Christmas season.
*Tonight is the university wide faculty reception for J-boy's employer. It is a fancy stand up dinner. That means little bites of food that you can eat with your fingers, and generally does not mean healthy things. I'm hoping for a fruit plate that I can use for the mainstay of my meal. BTW, I hardly know these people, so it is hard to mingle. Academics are a little weird too.
*Wednesday is my birthday, which means various birthday celebrations with family. Those will probably be the easiest since my family is hugely supportive and will go eat or prepare whatever I want.
*Friday is the college of business faculty reception once again for J-boy. This will be BBQ at a fellow professor's house. I'll have to save calories to accommodate that meal. That will be relatively easy since I know the exact menu.
*September 5 is J-boy's birthday, which once again means various birthday celebrations with family. See above for my planned coping mechanism.
*September 11 is our anniversary. Generally, we go out for a very nice restaurant meal, one that we ordinarily wouldn't spring for. We haven't decided yet.
So...in a little more than 3 weeks, I will have at least 7 occasions to indulge, or over indulge as the case may be! I know myself well enough to know that if I make up my mind not to eat anything I shouldn't I won't. Then if I don't lose weight,or at least maintain, I'll be all frustrated. It is so easy to think that a particular food is reasonable, and eat it, only to learn later that is wasn't for some reason. That really frustrates me, and I begin to think things like "I could have eaten that ______!" Fill in the blank probably with something sweet. Once again I am afraid and this time a little angry because of my performance these past three weeks.
I have a difficult road to travel for the short term. I want to do well. I need to do well. I want to succeed. I need to succeed. I have to know that I can make this work for the long haul. I think if I can stand firm now, I can do it. I need all the support I can get right now. Hang on for the ride!! I hope this doesn't get ugly.
I am continually trying to figure out why I haven't lost any weight at all while doing sparkpeople. It is like a little tape running in the back of my head all of the time. The more I consider/appraise/assess/whatever the more I think I am eating the right way. I know there is room for improvement, but I still think the way I am eating should lead to weight loss. That leads me to the other major component of this journey, exercise.
The sparkpeople workout routine has me lifting weights, and doing new exercises three times per week. I think that is a very good thing. It also has cardio only three days per week. I was doing it at least 5 days per week. I thought the trade off with strength training would make up for the lost calories burned, but now I'm rethinking that. I'm fairly certain that is isn't the old muscle weighs more than fat thing. If it was, I think I would have broken through the barrier and started back down the scales. So, starting today it is back to 5 days per week cardio. I'll still do the 3 days per week strength training too.
So, I threatened to stop counting calories if the weight doesn't start coming off yesterday and this morning I lost 0.4 lbs. This is at least the third time, maybe the fourth time, that I've threatened to find a new weight loss method because calorie counting wasn't working only to wake up in the morning and have a small loss. So now, I've decided that every day I'm going to post about how I am going to stop counting calories and do something else. That seems to lead to the loss better than anything I've tried in recent weeks. SHHH...don't say anything, I don't want the blog to find out, I'm on to it.
Actually, inside of me, I know this is the right way to eat. I don't feel deprived. I even at cake a little while ago. (More about that later.) Sparkpeople has made me more aware of all nutrients not just calories & carbs. I've focused on those things, and carbs in particular so long, that I've vilified certain foods. If ate something like white bread, I felt like I was cheating. I'm still not making white bread my first choice, but I know eating it isn't the horrible tragedy I once thought. I want this to work. Some tweaking is still in order. I almost never make my protein range, and have to be careful about going over with fat. I'm learning and that is always a good thing.
BTW, does anyone know if there is a way to look up foods in a certain category on sparkpeople. For instance, if I wanted a high protein food could I do a search and get a list? I plan my meals out for the day and enter them. I get the feed back and make whatever changes I need to, but sometimes I'll see that I need several more grams of protein and calories. If I could put in those search criteria someplace and get a food that matches those needs, I could just add it rather than guessing. Most of the time, I change the portion size to get things the way they need to be. Don't worry, though, I'm not getting all upset about getting all nutrients just so every day. If I'm close, I'm good. If there is an easier way, I'd like to know.
Now for the cake...every month we celebrate the birthdays of those in the office having a birthday that month. Generally, my practice has been to wish the celebrants a happy birthday and slip out. I really have developed a distaste for store bought bakery cakes. It hasn't been much of a hardship to pass up the cake. This month, however is my birthday and those with birthdays get the first slices. I had been prepared to graciously accept the cake, take a small nibble or two then need to go back to my desk to discreetly toss the vile matter. The precious lady that volunteered to bring the cake this time actually made a cake from scratch. She's good too! She even made two cakes, one with fruit in it and fat free topping. She did this especially for me!! It was a very, very considerate thing for her to do. I couldn't pass it up. So, I had a very small serving and added it to my calories for the day.
I really don't feel bad about it. It tasted good, and easily fit in to my calories (or so I think). I like the freedom calorie counting gives me to have a small piece of cake every now & then and still be on plan. That is how I want my life to be. I don't want to live the rest of my life without cake every once in a while.
If this doesn't work though, I'm quitting, I mean it!!
I've moaned and groaned, whined and complained on this blog for a couple of weeks about not losing weight and using sparkpeople to count calories & nutrients. I felt all along that I was consuming more calories that old sparky was saying. I even considered looking at another calorie counting website to confirm. I decided not to, because I'm trying to work on the control/perfectionism issues in my life. Who am I to check up on sparkpeople, particularly when so many people have had success with them. Now, I am reconsidering the whole thing yet again.
Yesterday J-boy and I went out to eat at a chain restaurant after church. I felt confident that I could find something within my calorie range for the day. I'd had 314 calories at breakfast leaving me 882 to 1,236 for the rest of the day. I poured over the menu looking for the best possible way to spend my calories. I selected Baja chicken. It was a grilled chicken breast served over black beans, with pico de gallo, rice, and a dollop of sour cream. I thought that everything was a good choice, except maybe the rice. It was probably the white stuff with a lot of carbs and not much else nutritionally. I figured I could eat around it. I was wrong. Everything was served in a big pile on the plate. The black beans were almost soup and could not be separated from the rice at all. They were marginal taste wise. I decided after a few bites they weren't worth the trouble, and thought I'd never order that again. I ate the chicken and only some of the pico (since that has tomatoes in it). I still thought, however that I'd made a good choice with regard to calories.
During the afternoon, I went to sparkpeople to log in my lunch. I first did a search on the particular restaurant, but their info wasn't a part of sparkpeople, or at least it wasn't coming up the way I was searching. I tried a couple of different ways. Instead I entered each 'ingredient' in my meal, being very generous, I thought with portion size. I entered chicken breast, black beans, rice, pico & sour cream, individually. The calorie total came to 338. That was good, I'd have another 300 calorie meal in the evening and an afternoon snack of about 200. That would put me squarely in my range for the day. Go me!!
Not quite. I had the bright idea to go to the restaurant's website and see if they had the nutritional information listed. They did, but it was not easy to find. I was about to give up when I decided to look at the FAQs. I thought I wasn't the only person in the world to want that information. I found a link to the pdf there that had complete info. It was cumbersome and hard to use, but I was determined at this point. I was not going to let this defeat me. I was astounded to learn that the calorie count listed on the website for my dish was 990 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With breakfast, I had already exceeded the 1200 calorie minimum and only had 246 to meet the maximum!!
I was glad that I was persistent and learned that little tidbit of information. I would have exceeded my calorie limit for the day, by as much as 600 calories. I know that is a long way from a pound, but good grief. I can't lose weight with errors like that.
I've decided to give this calorie counting thing one more week. If it doesn't work, I'm going back to counting carbs. Although, I don't want to put unattainable deadlines on myself, I don't want to flounder on like this. It is time to cut my losses (or gains!) and move on.
Congratulations to: First Steps
The winner of this blog's first ever giveaway. Please send me your contact information at deepdarkweightloss@Gmail.com. I'll pass the information on to CSN Stores to forward the $50 gift card to you. Happy spending.
On to the scale report for the day. This morning I weighed 174.6. That is up 0.2 from last week, and 29.6 lbs from my ultimate goal. I've weighed the same for three days now. I'm feeling the difference in my body so I feel like one day soon, I'll see a big drop. I like the way I'm eating right now. It feels right. It feels normal. It feels sane. I go to the grocery store and buy real food. It feels good.
I am counting calories and exercise using sparkpeople. I've been within or very close to my calorie range all week. Only one day did I get all of my nutrients in the proper ranges. That was the first day, so it was just beginner's luck! Most of the time, my issue is getting enough carbs. They've been taboo for so long it is a little difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that I can eat them. It is freeing to be able to eat them in moderation. I'll continue to tweak my eating so that it is healthy and I'm sure I'll see the results in my body in due time.
CSN Stores is sponsoring a give away through my website. I am so excited that I have a big enough readership that CSN approached me about doing this. The giveaway is for a $50 gift card to the store. They have all sorts of housewares from dinnerware sets to exercise equipment. Check out the site.
To enter just leave a comment this post. I will select a winner randomly from all of the comments I receive on this post. The drawing will be on Saturday from comments received by midnight Friday. Be sure and tell all your friends. The more readers, the greater the likelihood of more great prizes!!
The drawing is open to US and Canadian residents only.
Today my weight was back down to Monday morning's weight. I hope that yesterdays weight was the anomoly not today's. I'm going to be extra dilgent today so that I lose 0.2 pounds in the morning. I have all my meals planned and entered in sparkpeople, so all I have to do is do it!
In the interest of full disclosure, I am blogging about my evening yesterday. This is definitely TMI, so those who are squemish or faint of heart should stop reading now.
J-boy and I sat down to a lovely dinner. It was the first time in a good long while, that I'd come home from work and prepared a meal for both of us. We agreed last year when I started the hcg, that we would each do our own things for meals. Only on rare occasions had I prepared a meal for anyone other than just me. J-boy told me several months ago that he missed that. It was a sweet thing, not a jibe at me at all. One of the things we both looked forward to upon reaching my goal weight was me cooking again for both of us. This time making healthy, nourishing meals. We had some nice pork that I had started in the slow cooker and finished in the oven so as to get rid of most of the fat; green beans fresh from our garden; and macaroni & cheese made with low carb macaroni and real cheese, not that powder or processed cheese food. I entered everything in to sparkpeople before I ate to make sure it fit in my plan for the day.
We ate, and talked about how nice this was. We discussed how nice it would be going forward to eating real food together. We even speculated that J-boy might trim down a few pounds. It was good. We cleared the table, put away the leftovers, loaded the dishwasher and moved on with our evening.
Still reading? Here comes the gross part...
Then the pains hit. This was way more food than my body was used to having at one time apparently. It was not happy at all. It decided that the only thing to do was eliminate it in the most violent, painful way possible. OK, maybe not, but boy was I sick. It took a while for the food to works its way through my digestive tract and it hurt every step of the way.
I tried to keep a positive spin on it, thinking that I'd lose more than my goal of 0.2 pounds this morning since everything I'd eaten was racing right on through. That was not to be. This morning I had gained 0.6 pounds! Of course that blows all of my goal calculations from yesterday. It also stuns me. How in the world did my body hold on to that many calories/water/whatever? Now I'm back to reconsidering this whole 'normal' eating/1200 calorie minimum thing. I simply cannot afford to gain any more weight back. I'm open to suggestions.
I keep a little notebook in the bathroom and record my weight in it every morning when I weigh. I use that data to build very elaborate spreadsheets with graphs to document my every movement on the scales. I love data, analysing, parsing, sifting, whatever. Yesterday, when I recorded my weight, it was at the end of the page. I had another gain, but it was smaller than the previous day, so I thought to myself then, that I could be symbolically turning the page in my weight loss journey as well.
I had committed to eat at least 1200 calories each day, following the sparkpeople plan, on Friday. My commitment was wavering with each gain registered, and I was really beginning to question just how long I was going to let this go on. Of course, I had to have a plan for this next stage if sparkpeople didn't work. I didn't have good answers to either concern. It was hard watching my weight creep up and seeing all my hard work, and struggle slip away. It was hard to eat and watch the calorie count go up and up believing that the only thing my weight would do/could do was go up too. I was seriously questioning my ability to maintain once I got to my goal, if I ever got to my goal. I had a dark weekend in that respect.
This morning, I approached the scale with as much trepidation as I did over a year ago. In between times, the scale and I had made friends. Now that friendship was being tested. I considered not weighing, but felt like that would only lead to denial and more weight gain. So, I stepped on the scale. This morning my weight was down 0.2 lbs. Not much, to be sure, but movement in the right direction finally. If I can pile on 0.2 and 0.2 day after day the weight will slip on down. That is what I want.
I still have 3.2 lbs to get down to my lowest weight in recent times. I understand that might take a couple of weeks. That's OK. I'm adjusting my expectations. I have 31.6 lbs left to go to get to my goal as of this morning. Over the weekend, as I was doing all of this contemplating with J-boy, he said he'd rather see me eat normally and take the rest of the year to get to my goal, than to try and speed through this with all of that frustration. I have had this dream of what life would be like at my goal weight, what I could do, eat, wear and put my life on hold. We agreed that I would act as if I was at my goal weight now with respect to those things and let my weight catch up with me.
I'm in a better place mentally, just because of the little loss this morning. I believe now, that I have turned the page physically & symbolically. Time will tell.
I just did the math, because that is how I am, and learned that if I lose 0.2 pounds each day between now and December 31, I will be at my goal. I can do that!
This morning the scale read 176.2. That is up 2.4 pounds for the week. Not what I wanted to see, but what I expected to see. I managed to eat 1171 calories yesterday. I'm counting that as a victory, mostly because I am trying to get away from this all or nothing attitude that I addressed in yesterday's post. Also, because I decided to do it in the middle of the day at work, so I had a lot of calories to eat when I got home. I didn't want to pile in too much.
One of the fears that I had yesterday became a reality this morning when I stepped on the scales. I knew that my weight would go up. I prepared mentally for that as much as I could, but I still didn't like it. I know to expect that for a while until I find the sweet spot with the calories, but does anyone know how long that will be? I am really wanting to manage my expectations this time. My birthday is the 25th, so I was vaguely thinking that might be a good time to expect the numbers to start going down. Is it?
Also, I'm going to have to measure success a different way, like staying within my calorie range. At the same time, I know myself well enough to know that I'll get all wound up in that and start keeping charts, etc. to show myself just how good I really am. I just don't think that I can let my self go completely without parameters. That is how I got to 254.4 to begin with. Any suggestions? I'm totally open. I really want to do what is best now.
BTW, I opened the agave nectar last night and put some in my tea. It was good. I really do like sweet tea better. It had a bit of a honey like taste, but not nearly as strong. I drank my tea, and enjoyed it. Then I put the glass in the sink and moved on. I did not binge or even think about it. Honestly, I was still scared to eat very much! How weird is that? Now, I'm trying to figure out how to force myself to eat. Like Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say, "It's always something!"
Thanks for you support yesterday. I know I'll get some good suggestions today.
This morning I had a true test of my new attitude. The scales were up one pound, bringing my weight to 175.6. That is back in obesity by 0.1 lbs, or 1.6 ounces. Not much, by any one's standards, even mine. I probably could have trimmed my fingernails and slipped back down. But since I am working to develop the notion that something is good or even great even if it is less than 100% I wrote down my weight and went on.
I've decided that I am something beyond a perfectionist. Somehow 100% to me seems like average. Somehow I have to be just a little bit better than the best. I'm beginning to wonder how anyone can stand to be around me. Not that I hold others to that standard - not at all - they couldn't quite do it anyway. That's the attitude that I wonder how people can stand. I'm not being gracious to others and harder on my self. I just think that others aren't quite as good as me! I really just had that epiphany as I was typing this out. Who do I think I am? Good grief!!! I apologize to all my friends. I am so sorry for thinking that I am better than you, even if it was on a subconscious level.
Back to my original thoughts...My idea that I had to be a little bit better than expectations spilled over in to weight loss this way. If for instance, I was counting calories and allowed myself 1200. I tried to only eat 900. Part of it was a legitimate fear that I'd miscalculate and go over without really realizing it. The other, and larger part, was the thought that if eating only 1200 calories is good, eating even less is better. Then it became that eating 1200 calories was failure. Counting carbs, the same thing. Whatever the plan was, I 'improved' it for me!
This week, I set a goal to workout 3 days a week. I've worked out 4. I was mentally patting myself on the back for exceeding my goal, when I began to recognize this issue. I'm eating far less than any weight loss program requires and exercising more. I think I'm starving my body and it is holding on to everything it can.
So beginning today, right here, right now. I am going to eat at least 1200 calories per day. Sparkpeople recommends 1200 to 1550 for my weight and the amount of weight I need to lose, so I feel like that is reasonable. I will follow the workout schedule outlined there as well as much as I possibly can. I don't have all of the equipment required, so I'll have to do some modification, but I will not do even 5 minutes extra to make myself feel like I'm better than the rest of the masses that use sparkpeople.
Right now I have two very strong feelings. One is fear. I am scared to death of failure. What if I eat 1200 calories and gain weight? What if I eat something that triggers a binge? What if I miscalculate and go over 1550? I bought some agave nectar over the weekend to use in my tea. So far, I haven't used it because I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of losing control. Maybe that is exactly what I need to do; fail and recognize that I'm not all that. Fail and recognize that the world keeps turning in spite of me. I'm just human.
I remember how freeing it was to be at my sister's house a couple of weeks ago and not be in control of the food. I am the one imposing these horrible standards on myself, which only induce failure. Who could hold to these impossible standards all the time? Not even me - superwoman. I am the only one that can lay those burdens aside and adopt a more realistic approach to life. That is what I am going to do.
I am also very humble and contrite. I can't believe I was so blind to my own self arrogance. Once again I apologize. And I thank my friends for sticking with me.
I had a bit of a bounce after the family reunion,even though I stayed on plan. I ate protein, skipped the chips, dessert, etc. I always think that the deprivation, so to speak, should result in a loss not a gain. I gained 1.6 pounds instead. I feel like I took the gain in stride. I always think that sudden large up ticks like that have got to be water. And since some of the protein I'd eaten was a hot dog, I thought that again this time. As a general rule before, once I got back with the program the regain fell right off. But the last couple of months that has not been the case. I've been great with both my eating and exercise this week. I have stayed on plan and done my workout every day. I've lost 0.4 lbs. I still have over a pound to go to get back to the pre-reunion weight. Ordinarily, I'd be lamenting the fact that I was having to lose this pound again and that it was taking too long. But not this time. There are two reasons for that.
First, my body is shrinking. It doesn't make sense, but I don't care. It is easy not to get upset at the number on the scale when that is happening. I have been stuck in a 16 for a very long time now. Finally, this week the 16's are all getting loose. I'm getting some clothes together to consign and I tossed a couple of size 16 skirts in there that are too big in the waist. I think next time I go shopping, I'll try on a 14. Today I am wearing a dress that I haven't worn in close to 15 years! This dress predates the 177/117 pound guy. I asked J-boy before we left if it was out of style. He said no. It is a classic style, so I ventured out. So far, I've received lots of positive feedback on the dress today. (I am at lunch at work right now, I'll post a picture of the dress when I get home tonight.)
The second reason isn't as easy. It is an attitude adjustment. As I've said too many times to count, the battle is much more in my mind than anywhere else. I am trying to use this time as an opportunity to learn the way I need to eat going forward and to break through some of those perfectionistic tendancies I have. I am trying to be thankful for this time, knowing that it is serving it's purposes. Eventually, I'll get to my goal. It may not be as soon as I had planned when I started this journey, but I will get there. When I do get there, I will be well equipped for whatever is next.
My boss just handed me a note that says "Scales mean weight, not worth" as if to confirm my resolve not to let this pesky pound get the best of me.
Today starts a new month and as with almost every blog I've read today, I decided to make a fresh start with the new month. I did not exercise formally last week. I knew I would have a hard time passing up family time for elliptical time. So, this month J-boy and I have made a pact. My part includes getting back on the elliptical at least three days per week. I do best with five times per week, but I am still working on the achievable goal stuff too!
My birthday is the 25th of this month, and between now and then I have no parties, reunions, pot lucks or anything else to hinder me with my eating or my exercise. I'm ready for it. Because once my birthday hits, we have J-boy's on September 5, and our anniversary on September 11!! Then it is on to Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas - oh my! I've got to make the most of these easy three weeks. I will and I will post my progress here.