*Disclaimer* I haven't blogged in over a week because I just haven't been able to put together anything that is remotely coherent. The following is largely unedited (only spellchecked) because I needed to get it out. I've started several posts, read them and then deleted them. I know if I don't do something to move forward, I won't. It is OK to stop reading if it makes no sense. That isn't what is important to me now.
I am in a time of deep introspection. I don't like it. I know that if I not only allow it, but lean in to it, I'll get some good insights. I'll find those hidden issues that need to be addressed. Denial runs deep in this chick, probably stemming from perfectionism. It is just no fun admitting fallacy. It is even harder to admit in a somewhat public venue like this. (Last time I looked I only had 80 followers and got less than 20 hits a day, so this is really far from public!)
Still I don't like it. I don't like letting myself and my friends down. When I started this blog, I had dropped a significant amount of weight and was in a good place. I felt like my goal weight was just months away rather than years and is still so elusive. BUT, I started this blog as a way to help others. I knew there were other people out there struggling. I wanted very much to help. It wasn't an ego thing, but a pay it forward thing. I wanted to spare people some of the trials I'd been through on my journey down the scales. I shake my head in wonder now.
Now I am the one screaming for help. I am the one searching the dark corners of my heart, looking for the key to lasting change. I am the one in the hole, clawing to get out. HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN???????????????? How did I gain 40 pounds since April? I was less than 20 pounds away from my goal. Now I'm back over 200. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong and I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to defeat it. Whatever 'it' is.
I need help and I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I am the helper. I am the one that lifts others up. It is in my nature to encourage others. I'm not used to being the one needing encouragement. I don't know what to do.
Lessons Learned
4 years ago
oh yes you do the loss of comtrol just scares you!let go and let God sweetie, spirit, whatever you call it. if you fall he'll catch you if not personally with someone he set in your path. and here's the thing about perfectionism you are perfectly imperfect just as you are! you are kind, giving, loyal, sweet, and you'd throw yourself in front of a bus for a total stranger. why cant you have the same unconditional love and compassion for you that you give so freely to others. it's ok to need help, absolutely no one thinks less of you if you do. i really want you to try some affirmations, do it for me if not yourself. because when you're in pain i feel pain. it's gonna be hard but you are worth it now DEEP breath stand in front of a mirror (eyes open please) and say outload
ReplyDelete" I'M A WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING! I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND WHOLE. I AM NOT MY PAST AND I LET GO OF ALL PAIN AND REGRET. THIS IS A BRIGHT NEW DAY AND I SHALL LET MY LOVE SHINE ON OTHERS AS WELL AS MYSELF!"
THEN YOU FIND ONE THAT SPEAKS TO YOU AND YOU DO THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND BEFORE YOU GO TO BED. I WANT YOU TO PROMISE ME YOU'LL DO IT EVERY DAY FOR AT LEAST A WEEK!...................pinkie swear! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Oh Timothy, you are my true friend. Your comment not only brought me to tears, it brought me to sobs. I've done the affirmation through the tears. I'll do it again. I'll print it out and put in on my bathroom mirror if that is what it takes.
DeleteLori - I've pretty much stopped commenting on blogs and am reading less and less, but I couldn't not comment today.
ReplyDeleteFirst - huge hug. Second - IMO you only need to think of yourself, not anyone else, not readers, no one but you.
I've been here and done this. Many times. As you know, I am a yo-yo dieter. So I have much experience with this, but still don't know the key or magic bullet or perfect words to say.
At this point I'd encourage you to keep on with the introspection. Ask yourself what worked for you in the past and why and if you are willing to commit to that again and remind yourself of how you feel now compared to how you felt then.
You can do this. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if I can support you in anyway, since I am so absent from the blogworld.
Aaack! Did my long comment disappear?! I hope you got it and it is just awaiting moderation. If so, please delete this one.
ReplyDeleteThis is totally unrelated, but a compliment is a compliment. My middle daughter just saw your picture and said "My, she's pretty!" :) Girl, you read my blog and you know I'm where you are and have pretty much been there for a year. Off and on, off and on, so close yet so far away, motivated and not. Argh. Sooooo frustrating! Sometimes my blog feels like a curse because it almost seems shameful to post about how motivated I am, post a failure, go MIA for a while, come back all gung-ho, repeat. Maybe at this point you are just in burn-out phase? I know I get sick and tired of having to CARE about what I put into my mouth. I just feel so OVER IT, but I can't be "over it" or I'll be right back at 216 in 2 months flat! So while I'm no help, sometimes misery loves company. You have lifted me many times with your kind words, and please know that you can email me any time. Shoot, we could even meet up if you ever wanted. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteLori,
ReplyDeleteHugs. I've been where you are and I feel for you. Last year, the entire year was like that for me. Every day, I'd determine to "do better" and I'd only last until lunch time, or maybe breakfast, then I'd just give up. My suggestions: Choose a sensible, healthy diet plan. Keep up with your exercise plan (10 K steps is just fine). Take the AA approach and do you best to stick to your plans for just one day, then just one more, etc. Lay this burden before God in prayer and ask for His help. Every day. I find it's easier to resist food temptations when I know that I've just asked God's help in this endeavour. Keep posting and reading other, sensible, lifestyle blogs. I'll keep you in prayer, too. God bless.
"hugs" I know it's hard and I've been there many times myself but you are worthy. Please don't give up! Try different things. I'm really thinking about doing the simply filling plan mainly because it's back to natural healthy foods and a lot less processed stuff. When I eat processed stuff it really messes me up. I'm here if you need to talk. Please e-mail me. watrmlon at gmail dot com.
ReplyDeletei AM your true friend and i meant every word! so glad you did it cant wait for the tears to turn into tears of joy then into laughter at how happy you are!
ReplyDeleteMy dear Friend, I am right where you are!! Same place. I did not gain back weight, but just like you I lost a lot of weight in the beginning and I too want to help others with my journey, we are also in the same place weight wise! I am so sick of where I am and I'm ready to go to the next level. Would you be interested in being accountable to each other? If so email me at transparent.joy@gmail.com. I'm here for you!!
ReplyDeleteKeep focused!!
Lori...you're human. Life is a series of ups and downs. You can learn from this. Be kind to yourself, and if need be, just take one small step at a time. Sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteLori,
ReplyDeleteI've been there and done the yo-yo thing for 40 years. I'm 46, so that's a lot of years. It okay to ask for help. I love everyone's suggestions. Going back to what works is great. Tweaking what worked but maybe isn't working now. All are possibilities.
If you haven't gotten a medical check up, then get one. Rule out any thyroid , depression issues. Go from there.
You can be the helpee. The rest of us can and will support you. What's one thing you can do this week. Asking for help is a great step. Hang in there.
Hi Lori
ReplyDeleteCouldn't leave this without sending you a hug... sorry this is such a long response.
You wrote about needing help right now to move forward to lasting change, but also said that "denial runs deep in this chick, probably stemming from perfectionism".
Well, honey, this could be me writing! I still have the tee-shirt for the "succeed-fail-try again" roller-coaster ride, for a similar reason - perfectionism (and a massive fear of failure).
All I can do from a distance is offer you my support but at the same time I'd really encourage you to work through the 'why' of things. I'm guessing that if you and I are indeed alike, you'll already have an inkling of 'why' the gain happened (and I don't just mean the obvious more calories answer, but the underlying issues).
I'm also guessing that there may be some stuff in your history which needs dealing with and that you probably have a fair idea what this is. It isn't comfortable to do, it may well hurt and it'll bring up a whole load of things you'd 'prefer' not to face. To be honest, for a lot of life, it may even seem unnecessary. But issues are a bit like boils - if you lance the beggars and deal with the source of infection, you'll heal.
That has happened for me over a period of time. This isn't to say I don't still have my struggles, as I still do - wouldn't be human if life was straightforward, eh?
By the way, you are NOT out of control. Sure, struggling maybe, but the mere fact that you've posted this is a big positive - you ARE engaging with it and I can hear your determination that things WILL change.
Shift your focus to YOU and take Timothy's and other peoples advice to be kind to yourself and believe in the good of yourself. Don't give up, take it one step at a time and you'll find a path through this. I can guarantee the view the other side will be beautiful - just like you are!