*Disclaimer* I haven't blogged in over a week because I just haven't been able to put together anything that is remotely coherent. The following is largely unedited (only spellchecked) because I needed to get it out. I've started several posts, read them and then deleted them. I know if I don't do something to move forward, I won't. It is OK to stop reading if it makes no sense. That isn't what is important to me now.
I am in a time of deep introspection. I don't like it. I know that if I not only allow it, but lean in to it, I'll get some good insights. I'll find those hidden issues that need to be addressed. Denial runs deep in this chick, probably stemming from perfectionism. It is just no fun admitting fallacy. It is even harder to admit in a somewhat public venue like this. (Last time I looked I only had 80 followers and got less than 20 hits a day, so this is really far from public!)
Still I don't like it. I don't like letting myself and my friends down. When I started this blog, I had dropped a significant amount of weight and was in a good place. I felt like my goal weight was just months away rather than years and is still so elusive. BUT, I started this blog as a way to help others. I knew there were other people out there struggling. I wanted very much to help. It wasn't an ego thing, but a pay it forward thing. I wanted to spare people some of the trials I'd been through on my journey down the scales. I shake my head in wonder now.
Now I am the one screaming for help. I am the one searching the dark corners of my heart, looking for the key to lasting change. I am the one in the hole, clawing to get out. HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN???????????????? How did I gain 40 pounds since April? I was less than 20 pounds away from my goal. Now I'm back over 200. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong and I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to defeat it. Whatever 'it' is.
I need help and I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I am the helper. I am the one that lifts others up. It is in my nature to encourage others. I'm not used to being the one needing encouragement. I don't know what to do.
What to say
2 days ago