I have finally admitted to myself that I have an issue with anger due to a long standing relationship. I have known on a certain level that this relationship was not healthy. For most of the relationship, I would accept the negative things said to me and about me as true. At some point, however, I realized that they were not. I began to push back and say that I didn't believe those things, and I didn't think that they did either. Initially, I got begrudging agreement, and the negative comments are fewer now.
Obviously, this is a relationship I want to heal rather than sever. I believe that the relationship is better now. My problem is not so much what is happening now as what happened in the past. I think I would lose the progress we've made if I suddenly brought up a litany of hurts to this person. I think that on some level this person did not realize how I was internalizing things. A confrontation on any level would likely only create fresh wounds and reopen the fragile scars from the past.
Instead, I have written a letter to this person. It will never be mailed. I envision burning it at some point in time. Destroying it will be symbolic of those pains of the past being destroyed.
While I think this is a sign of progress, I'm not so naive as to think that this is the end of it. I recognize that I have treated others badly. I have treated others in the same way I was treated. I need to heal the hurts I've caused others. This, of course, gives me sympathy towards the individual described above. That person was probably the recipient of similar treatment and passed it on to me.
For both of us, this is not the sum of our existence or even the majority of it. Most people that know this person would be appalled to learn what I know. Once I burn the letter, that will be the end of those hard memories and I will choose to focus on the positive.
Thanks for standing with me in this. This is far from the end of the road. In fact, it is just the beginning. I know that once I open myself to recognizing the hurts, I'll see others that I had no idea existed. This could be a long road and for sure a hard one. It will be worth it to get to my goal.
What to say
2 days ago