I Eat What I Want, When I Want, in Amounts that I Want

The title of this post is a direct quote from a friend.  She is of a healthy weight, maybe even on the slim side.  She said this in the midst of a group conversation several years ago around the holiday time.  Some people were lamenting the inevitable weight gain along with the holidays when she piped up with that!

She is a dear friend, but I must confess right now, that I was insanely jealous when she uttered those words.  Eating what I wanted, when I wanted AND in amounts that I wanted seemed like an impossible dream at that time.  Maybe in heaven, I could do that, but not in this life.  Then, I thought I would enjoy eating ice cream, pizza, brownies, potatoes and on and on without any reprisal from my body.  What was so special about her?  What was wrong with me? Why could she eat anything she wanted and not pay for it the way I did?

Now, years later, I think I understand a little better.  She wanted different things to eat.  She didn't (I'm guessing) like the feeling of being overfull.  She understood her body's signals for hunger. Food and eating were as natural for her as breathing.

Lately, I've begun to understand her comment.  I am beginning to not really want copious amounts of heavy foods now.  Sure, I like a good slice of pizza now and then, but I don't want half a pizza any more.  I don't like the heavy feeling.  I am beginning to recognize the signs of satiety.  AND, the fact that too much food leads to too tight clothes, sore joints, etc.

This is a journey.  I'm still learning.  I'm not there yet.  I'm not to the point that I can honestly say that I eat what I want, when I want, in amounts that I want.  I think I'm closer to that goal now that I was when I heard those words.  That is a good thing.  I am clinging to that right now.

I am clinging to the fact that progress is being made no matter how small, no matter how infinitesimal the measure.  I'm in a hard place right now.  I think the right thing to do is to truly learn and obey my body.  But that is hard.  It would be easier in some respects to go back to the hcg and watch the pounds slide off.  Instead, I inch forward slowly and I quickly fall back miles.  I try to learn the lesson of the relapse and inch forward again.  

It is no fun, but it is the right thing.  Once those new habits are second nature, this will last a lifetime.  There will be no more good food/bad food.  No more guilt with eating.  Just peace with eating what I want, when I want, in amounts that I want. 

A Statistical Update

I have several fabulous and enlightening blog post rolling around in my head but alas the whirlwind called life has kept me from developing them fully.  Hopefully, I will be able to share my 'wisdom' before too much longer.  In the meantime, I feel compelled to share my results.  

I started Trim Healthy Mama on February 17, weighing 221.6.  Today I weigh, 221.6.  Alas!  My weight has not stayed exactly the same in 6 weeks.  It has gone up and down.  And I think if I stick with it, eventually my weight will go down.  I am still doing what I call THM-lite.  I try to keep my carbs and fats apart.  If I eat fat, then keep carbs low, if I eat carbs then keep fat low.  It is much more workable for me right now.  It is still my plan to try some of the recipes as time goes along.  I'll report back on how we liked them or not.

The reason I am not so frustrated is that I've lost a couple of inches through my belly & hips.  I noticed right away that my clothes were fitting differently.  They are a long way from too big or even loose.  They just aren't quite so snug.  I pulled out a top the other day thinking that the last time I had it on, it was just too tight.  I put it on anyway.  It was still tighter than I like my clothes, but I didn't feel like a stuffed sausage all day.  I have noticed that in too many of my clothes to think that my memory is faulty.  I'm looking forward to getting my warm weather clothes out and seeing how they fit.  I'm hoping to feel little differences there too.

I am really working hard to adjust my expectations.  I want slow steady progress, not dramatic slides down the scale that are impossible to maintain.  I think this plan is the right one for me.  Time will tell.