Could this be Personal Growth?

Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed that I only had 4879 steps, and I went to bed anyway.  It was only 121 steps to my average goal.  I could have walked around the house and gotten them.  There was a time I would have done that without a second thought.  And, I would have estimated the number of steps the nocturnal potty breaks took, or worn the pedometer all night!! Particularly, when I was doing the 1000 mile challenge.  Not yesterday.  Which is better?

Is it a good thing to accept that I just didn't feel up to it yesterday?

Is it a cop out not to push through and get the measly steps?

I really don't know.  I find myself more and more accepting my limitations; working within them to expand them.  This is particularly true with my hips.  I had no choice there.

Still, I'd like to think that letting go of the all or nothing mindset; that perfect or fail approach is a sign of growth.  Maybe just maybe progress will still be made.  It will be slower and harder to measure.  (And I like to measure!)  I think, however, that the changes will be permanent.  Only time will tell.

Thoughts?

Moving Right Along

The first week back from vacation seems to go by so quickly and the vacation seems so long ago. Still, I've had a good week.  I have met my goal of averaging 5000 steps per day.  I've actually exceeded it, so last night I began to wonder if I'd set the bar too low.  I tried to account for weather delays and one rest day per week when I set the goal.  I haven't had those yet.  (It rained yesterday but I went to the grocery store and got in plenty of steps!)  Sunday is generally my day to relax, which also hasn't come yet.  Plus, we have an out of town wedding on Saturday.  I'll be in the car for 3+ hours round trip.  I decided to leave my goal is is.

Then I woke up this morning sore in both my hips.  Generally, they take turns.  This time, they decided to work as a team and ache.  It is nothing like pre-op.  It is more of a reminder that I've increased their usage lately, confirming that perhaps the goal is indeed acceptable.  It is almost 3:30 as I type this and I'm only at 3600 steps.  That is with a trip to the church building to walk for 20 minutes.  I am not pushing it.  This is the very reason I set my goal as an average of 5000 steps per day rather than walking 5000 steps every day.

My eating has been quite good.  65MD worked from home until today.  We were able to have our big meal midday which my body loves.  I've already lost all of my vacation gain.  I'm ready to get into new territory finally.  (Well, not really new, but numbers I haven't seen in a while ;) )  

His working from home has allowed some working AT home too.  The grout is finally finished!  Only my long term readers will understand the significance of that!  We're hoping to get the sealer down tomorrow. If it weren't for the out of town wedding we just might be planning to get the moulding installed and furniture moved.  I'm fine with taking it one small step at a time.  Yahoo for grout!  Hopefully, I'll be cheering for the sealant being down in my next post.  The floor is looking gorgeous and well worth the wait.  Perhaps, I can say the same thing about me in time!!!

A Week at the Beach

65MD and I had a most glorious trip to the beach last week.  It was a trip that seemed charmed from the beginning.  We flew out on Monday morning and in spite of the tremendous crowd at the airport we got through security and to our gate in plenty of time to rest there before boarding.  When we went to pick up our rental car, we learned that they were out of the compact cars we reserved so we got an upgrade and a deal on gasoline for $1.99 per gallon.  We brought that baby back empty!  Then the hotel gave us a free upgrade to a ocean side balcony room!   One night we went to a BBQ place for supper.  We ordered a meal to share.  It was enough for us to take more than half of it back to the room for lunch the next day.  When we got our bill, it turned out that particular meal was on special that night!  After that, we were beginning to expect upgrades everywhere we went. But the neatest part of the whole trip was the weather.

We knew when we left town that rain was predicted every day while we were planning to be there.  Afternoon showers often happen at the beach so we weren't concerned.  65MD even said he'd like to see a good storm out over the ocean.  He got his wish.  We'd just returned to our room after an early supper Tuesday night when a real rip, roaring storm brewed up.  We pulled our chairs up to the sliding glass door, that opened on to the ocean view balcony and watched God's fireworks.  It was amazing.  We were rewarded with a tiny rainbow at the end.

There were two more storms that came up during the week.  After one, we saw a full rainbow.  I don't know that I've ever seen a full one.  We tried to take pictures but we couldn't get far enough back to capture the whole thing.  I took three photographs to get the whole thing.  They do not do it justice. As we were standing there admiring the rainbow and discussing its beauty, it turned into a double rainbow!

We saw one more rainbow in the clouds on our last day.  Once again, it was a new sight for me.  The sky was blue with puffy clouds and the sun was shining brightly, and between two clouds, there was a rainbow!

We had plenty of sun and lots of time to enjoy it.  I even got in the surf and played in the breakers for a while.  That is huge.  Last year, I spent a lot of time in the pool because it was the only place I was pain free.  This year, I didn't get in the pool at all.  I was nervous wading out to the breakers.  I almost chickened out when the waves caused the sand to shift under my feet.  I don't do well on uneven surfaces.  65MD helped me out into the deeper water where I could actually jump!

We took lots of beach walks. Much like getting into the deep water in the ocean, it was hard to walk on the soft sand near the buildings.  Once I got past that onto the hard packed sand nearer the surf, I would walk all day.  On the one day the weather permitted us to take two beach walks, I got in over 16,000 steps.  Sadly, when I got back home and tried to take a walk even on the sidewalks, it was much more uneven and there is no way I can replicate that many steps.

I know that, under the right circumstances, I can get in a lot of steps.  Now, my task is to recreate those circumstances.  I have a couple of ideas - the school gym, which I haven't used yet, or the church building with its long flat hallways.  Both are close; both are free to me.  I just need to do it.

My goal is for the rest of the month to average 5000 steps per day, which will require at least one walk under good conditions or two short walks on the sidewalk.  If I accomplish that, I'll reward myself with some new underwear.  This is really becoming a necessity rather than a reward, so even though meeting my goal will require effort, it is quite doable.  For June, I'll make the goal a little more difficult.  If I meet that, I'll give myself a new dressy outfit.

Other rewards I'm considering are, a new casual outfit and a facial/new make up.  My goals will always be something I can control like getting in so many steps or taking a certain number of walks each week.  They will NOT be related to the number on the scale.  That will probably follow if I meet my movement goals, but it might not.  I can't let that dictate how I feel about myself.  I already know how it messed up my perceptions  at a young age.  I won't let it have that kind of control over me again.

And finally - THANK YOU!  I was overwhelmed by the positive feedback I got from every.single.commenter on my last post.  I really considered taking it down as soon as I put it up.  I felt very vulnerable but there was no need for that.  The response was 100% positive.  For that, I am grateful.

A Little Documentation

I thought I'd post a few of those photographs that I discussed in my last post.

This my senior year of high school.  I was a flag girl in the band.  This is one of the few shots where my body can be seen. Maybe less than ideal, but not nearly the fatty I thought.

This is my senior picture, taken the summer before my senior year.  The same summer my mother took me to the doctor for diet pills.

This is my junior year in college.  She that double chin!?!? No wonder I couldn't get a date.

This is my mid to late 20's.  I had lost down to 134 at my lowest.  I had regained some in this shot.  I still thought I was fat because I didn't weigh below 120 like the weight charts said I should.  I see collar bones.  I don't know what I would have looked like twenty pounds lighter.  BTW, this was the era of big hair, but my hair is not quite that big.  There is a shadow making my hair look bigger.

Thoughts?

Perception vs Reality

I've done a lot of walking down Memory Lane these past months as we packed our childhood home to move my mother.  She kept all of our report cards and lots of our artwork and tons of photographs.  I grew up with certain perceptions of my life and that of my sisters.  As we sifted through the mementos, I learned that some of those perceptions were not, in fact, reality as reflected by what my mother saved.  Here are a few of my perceptions of childhood:

*My older sister was photogenic; and, I was not.

*My older sister was artistic; and, I was not.

*I was smart.

*I was clumsy.

*I was fat.

It is true that my older sister was and is quite photogenic.  I don't know where I got the idea that I wasn't but that simply was not true.  I was a cute baby, toddler and little girl just like both of my sisters.  We all three went through that awkward middle school transition from little girl to young lady.  None of us was any worse than the other.  I once called those middle school years "The Big Uglies" in reference to myself.  The picture, I most hated from the eighth grade won't win any prizes for beauty, but it isn't horrid beast I remembered.  What changed?

My older sister is a good artist.  She was told from a very young age that she was, so she developed that skill.  Looking back at my artwork from the early years, it was just as good as hers.  I somehow got the message that if she was pretty, or artistic, or anything else, that slot was taken and I could not be 'it' as well.  I think that is typical second child behavior. 

I was smart and I have the report cards to prove it.  My sisters were too, but they were more social and outgoing.  I was more school oriented so I got better grades.

I was probably a little more clumsy than my sisters because of my hips.  There is no real documentation of this.  But I was told I was, I believed it so I was.

Same with being fat.  I was NOT fat.  I have a round, youthful face.  I did not like it growing up because I was always thought to be younger. Of course, I embrace that now, as I was told that I would.  The chubby cheeked nature of my face, I think, created a sense of heaviness all over.  Since I was not skinny and angular like some of the other children, I must be fat.  I got this message from many different sources.

The children at school called me fat.  In the fifth grade, I remember the boys making up a chant and beating the desks in a rhythm chanting "Fat Mama, um, a hubba, hubba."  Over and over.  It brought tears to my eyes but I would laugh along with them so as not to let them know they'd hurt me.  I thought it would make them stop.  It didn't.  I remember telling my mother and she laughed.  That hurt even more.  My mother does not remember that and insists that if she laughed it wasn't AT me.

Still, my mother was constantly on me to lose weight.  She took me to the doctor in high school and insisted that he put me on diet pills.  This was the era of height/weight charts based on body frames.  The weights were quite low particularly since I was considered to have a small frame.  I was in the overweight category for my body frame, but I was a long way from obese at that time. That was the first formal eating plan I remember, designed to make me lose weight.  I didn't.  I gained weight.  

I probably weighed around 145 lbs when I was taken to the doctor.  It was probably more than most girls and significantly more than some.  I felt fat, but the pictures do not support that feeling.  After the episode with the diet pills, I gained nearly 30 pounds.  I remember that I graduated from high school weighing 174 lbs.  I worked hard to lose weight before starting college.  I was able to maintain at 160 to 165.  Folks, I looked fine in the pictures from that era.  In fact, I'd love to get to that weight and stay now.  I think the problem was, I was just bigger and curvier than the other girls around me, so I thought I was fat.

Although, I am broken hearted for all the wasted years thinking I was fat and I wasn't, I can't change it.  I can only move forward from where I am right now.  I am telling myself constantly that I am strong fit and healthy.  The words we tell ourselves and believe from others are hugely powerful.  I am NOT and never was the nerdy, fat, klutz.  I weigh more than I should but that does not define me.

 

I am not using the scales as a measure of success.  I will still weigh, but I'm not sure how often.  Instead, I am going to focus on what I can control in addition to the messages I give myself -  like going to the gym or walking in the neighborhood. Both things are low hanging fruit right now.  The weather is great for a stroll around the neighborhood.  School is out so no worries about parking for the gym.  I am focusing on being healthy.

I am also no longer putting off this or that until I lose weight.  That is silly.  I'll do what I want to when I want to.  I need new clothes.  I have worn out my larger clothes because I only have a few and refused to buy more at this size.  I changed my mind when I saw a woman at the grocery store who was quite attractive.  She was dressed quite fashionably, had her hair and nails done nicely and was made up to look her best.  She was also a plus sized woman.  I know I can look good too if I stop putting off trying until a certain number appears on the scales.

I'm going to take a few weeks to get some benchmarks for just how much I can comfortably do physically, since the hip issue is real.  I dug out my pedometer which needs a new watch battery, which means a trip to the store and thus another day or two on starting that.  Once I get an idea of what I can do naturally and comfortably, I'll set some goals to stretch myself.  My plan is to have some definite goals to work towards in a few weeks.  Then I will do a post with my goals and incentives.  Something like walk X times, or average X steps, or go to the gym X times, or maybe some combination.  If I reach my goal, I'll get a new outfit.  Maybe it will be a smaller size or maybe it won't. I know that I will be stronger, fitter and healthier.

The Move that Wouldn't Die

On Friday of last week, April 29, we moved my mother to a lovely new house in a senior living community.  I naively believed that the move would take a couple of days and that there would be issues spilling over in to the first of the week, like getting the Internet set up, etc.  I was wrong.

Friday and Saturday were great days.  We hired some of the best movers ever! They moved everything from house to house.  They even brought down furniture from the upstairs that was not going to the new house, so that we could get it more easily.  They put the furniture where my mother wanted it, and then moved it without complaint when she didn't like it in that spot.  (She is still deciding and moving furniture.)  

Also on Friday and Saturday, we had a steady stream of new neighbors welcoming us all to the community.  All of them brought gifts, from roses to supper Friday night, to cleaning supplies.  I know she is going to love it there once she is through the transition.

Moving was hard on all of us physically and emotionally.  We all had our turns crying and just needing a time out.  We all worked together well.  No one seemed to get upset when one of us took  a break.  It was still hard - just plain hard.

Having moved into her house about 55 years ago, my mother had no idea when she should call to get the utilities transferred.  We did all that on Monday after the move.  Everything was still in Daddy's name, while the various folks were kind and made the transfers, it was hard.  (We did have one issue with the water company but I won't get into that!)  

The new owner put in the contract that we had until May 10 to remove everything from the old house.  Anything left after that date, would become their property.  Prior to the move, various ones of us had been given pieces of furniture she no longer needed or wanted.  All of those and most of the items in Daddy's shed were left.  We thought we'd gather them up this week and easily meet the May 10 deadline.

Life doesn't always go as planned.  A lot of the furniture is still there and most of the contents of the shed are still there.  We are giving it one last push on Saturday.  The plan now is for everyone to get what they can and take it home.  Since 65MD and I are closest to the old house, we'll bring all the leftovers to our house for folks to claim later.  I'm hoping that is a good idea and we aren't left holding a lot of stuff for a long time.  We might also decide that the new owner would enjoy some of those items!

My younger sister and niece have already gone home.  They stayed at the new place with my mother which helped with the transition immensely.   It feels strange to all of us.  I'm used to her being 2 1/2 miles away.  I could be over there in mere minutes in an emergency.  Now, she is 15 miles away.  On a good day, it will take 20 minutes.  I feel as though I've lost my bearings somehow.  

I understand that I'm going through a grieving process.  It will just take time to work through it.  I think we will all be happier in the end.