Disappointment & Despair

The up and down with the scales continued through the weekend.  On Sunday, even though my weight had ticked down a bit, I was still disappointed.  I thought I should have gotten better results from the scales.  I felt myself slipping over the edge into despair.  I could see the darkness coming.  I lived in that place too long.  I know how it feels and I know I don't like it.

I was sitting on the edge of my bed when I felt the change starting and knew I had to stop it or I would really be in for a downward spiral.  I had a nice little chat with myself about expectations and how I wasn't going to have any this time.  I spoke kindly to myself, which felt good.  I reminded myself of how well I was doing on the things I could control.  Everything in my control was all spot on.  I began to feel better right away.

This is so different from my previous weight loss attempts of any type.  I would have slipped into despair.  I would have stayed there for far too long telling myself that I was somehow not good enough.  Not only was I fat, but I didn't have the sense to follow a simple plan and all sorts of ugliness.  No wonder I couldn't get out of that place when I continually beat myself up.

This time having spent some quality time with myself assuring myself that I was doing the best I could and  not to worry about the scales, I felt lighter immediately.  I was no longer carrying the weight of making myself responsible for something over which I had no control.  The scales responded!

Wacky Wednesday!

When I restarted the hgc and blog, I decided to be more 'go with the flow' type of person that one bound by strict rules and regulations.  Coming to that mindset has been a journey in itself.  Even with the new attitude, I had some ideas about how the weight loss would happen and thought I would blog about once a week.  It didn't take long for both of those thing to fall apart!  Since I have a more relaxed approach this time, I won't apologize, but simply share what happened on Wednesday and document a bit about how the weight loss is going and how I'm feeling.

Wednesday started out as planned but just as I was starting an appointment, I got a call that my 6 year old niece was sick at day camp.  I extricated myself as soon as possible to get her.  I managed to get there about an hour before her 4 year old sister was to be dismissed but she was asleep. I left the 4 year old there and brought the 6 year old home.  I got her settled on the couch and called 65MD (my husband) to see if he was planning to come home from work in time to stay with her while I went for the little one.  He was.  I got the little one and we had a quiet afternoon watching TV.

Before anyone gets distressed about their parents not coming for them, I live less than 10 minutes from the school and can get there more quickly.  I am the designated pick up person in the afternoons anyway since day camp is over before their parents get off from work.  I was in contact with them.  They knew what was going on.

Everyone is well now.  And, catching up on this blog will get me fully back on track.

As far as the weight loss goes, I had a small but surprising gain on Wednesday morning.  I attributed it to still not getting in enough water and missing a meal.  I have the aforementioned sisters on Tuesdays and Thursdays along with their 3 year old cousin.  We have an absolute blast!  In the chaos of the day, however, I never took the time to actually eat my midday meal.

Then on Thursday morning, I had another small gain making a full pound regained.  Once again, I didn't get in all my water and with the early trip to pick up my niece I missed my midday meal again.  

The protocol is if two days pass without a loss, the next day should be an apple day.  Up to 6 apples can be eaten throughout the day.  So that is what I did. This morning, I had lost a full pound.

I confess I am disappointed.  I am not beating myself up for not getting in the water or missing the meals.  In fact, I am doing much better with the water.  And, I would never be upset about any decision I made regarding helping my family.  That is just the way life goes sometimes.

Still, I am disappointed.  I only have so many days on the hcg, and the early days, the first two or three weeks, are the real sweet spot regarding weight loss.  I want to make the most of those days.  I decided at the outset, I would do two 40-day rounds and then accept whatever my weight/size is at that time.  

This time has been harder than I recall the earlier times.  It is probably that I have forgotten, but I have been hungry!  The first week I had a mild headache most of the time in addition to being hungry.  The headache is gone but the hunger remains.  I know in the past, I wanted to eat and I never felt really satisfied after a meal, but I don't remember it being to this degree.  Perhaps, it is that I just couldn't load those first two days.  I'll make sure to indulge more next time.

As far as the water goes, I'm trying to drink a full gallon.  I am consistently drinking half of that and sometimes closer to two-thirds.  Yesterday, I almost made it.  This time, I am happy that I am making progress and know that eventually I will make my goal.

Life inside my head is so much better when I focus on what I have done which is a lot, rather than what I have not done, which by comparison is quite small.  I'm looking forward to a healthier me as well.

And So It Begins

I started the injections on Sunday.  Sunday and Monday were 'load' days.  It takes 48 hours for the hcg to fully get into the system so the first two days are for calorie loading.  Then there are two days after the injections stop where the low calorie plan is followed while the hcg fully exits the system.

Sunday and Monday I ate Mexican and pizza, two things I know I'll miss the most.  Truth be told I amped up the eating a bit since deciding to start.  That means I have a few more pounds to lose, but I have so many to lose, a couple more don't really matter.  I was surprised at how 'little' I gained in the weeks I was waiting to start.  I recognized that I really had made peace with food.  I did not plan my life around what I was going to eat since I would be restricting again soon.  

On Sunday and Monday in particular, I really needed to eat to get the best outcome for the next 42 days.  However, I could not eat that much.  I ordered a big plate of nachos on Sunday and could not eat them all.  In fact, I really didn't want to eat anything else the rest of the day.   65MD (my husband) brought home pizza on Monday.  He got my favorite and I ate three pieces, but only the good part in the middle not the edges.  I was so stuffed, I had to get some tummy medication!  

Yesterday was my first day with the fast, as I am calling it.  I had already portioned out my protein in 3.5 ounce packages so that all I have to do is cook and eat.  I was hungry all day!!  I don't think I quite did enough on the loading.  Sigh, not eating enough, that is a new concept for me.

I am better today hunger-wise.  Yesterday and today, I've had trouble getting a gallon of water in.  I get about half of that down.  Today, I squeezed a few lemons into the jug to make the water crisp.  I am enjoying that.

As of this morning, I have lost one pound from my starting weight on Sunday.  I am fine with that.  I feel much more relaxed this time about the whole process.  I'm not freaked out to get every ounce of water down; it will come.  I know the weight will come off too.  This is just a season of my life.  The weight loss season.  It will take as long as it takes.  I will concern myself with the next season when that time arrives.

In the Interim

It has been almost three years since I blogged, and I am so surprised that so many of my blog friends jumped in with a comment.  Blogging in obscurity was fine with me, but since I got so much support from the earlier post I thought I would expand a bit on what happened during the last three years.

My quest for health and fitness didn't change, it took a new course into the body acceptance arena.  That was and is a very good thing.  I read the book, Secrets of the Eating Lab by Traci Mann.  Get it and read it.  It really opened my eyes to the *why* of eating and set me on a journey of a lot more reading and research.

In time, I realized that there were issues surrounding the disordered eating habits I had developed and I needed to get some professional help.  I found a therapist that specialized in disordered eating.  We did not discuss what I had eaten each day.  We did not discuss how many carbs, calories, fat grams or anything else regarding what I ate, when I ate or how much I ate.  Instead we talked about life.  

I was depressed.  I knew that.  I spent a lot of my life depressed.  After a few sessions, I felt comfortable enough to share with her a memory from my childhood surrounding food.  As we uncovered the feelings underneath the memory, I was able to deal with the feelings as feelings.  It was hard and involved a lot of tears.  We dealt with several hard memories from childhood during the time I spent seeing her.

In time, I realized that some of my favorite foods would sit in the refrigerator or in the cabinet for days uneaten.  Sometimes, I actually forgot they were there until I saw them.  We were really on to something.  Life intervened and I decided to stop therapy.  

My mother got sick, moved in and then died.  That needed my entire focus.  Now, I'm embarking on the weight loss journey again.  This time, with more peace about food and a greater understanding of why I made some of the choices I did years ago.  This time, I'm expecting better, more lasting results.

Thanks for joining me.