Early Report

I have a full day scheduled tomorrow and then I'll be out of town for a few days.  This may be my only chance to blog this week.  Since my last few posts have been quite real and quite harsh, I didn't want to just disappear and maybe leave the impression things were worse.  They aren't.  They aren't more than just marginally better statistically speaking.

In terms of what can be measured like weight, inches or even miles, not a whole lot has changed.  I haven't lost any more ground, but haven't made great strides forward either.  That's OK.  I'm a little tired of the wild ride, I'm much rather make slow and steady progress in the right direction.

As of right now, I have 664 miles towards the 1000 mile goal for the year.  This is good walking weather and 65MD wants to participate.  I hope in the next several weeks, before it gets too cold for me to really push that mileage up.  I'll be happy whatever happens as long as I know I did what I could.

I weigh 203 even as of this morning.  I was down to 202.4 yesterday.  That has been my low weight for a few weeks now.  Oddly, I had a horrible stomach ache all afternoon and evening yesterday.  I couldn't eat supper.  I was a little surprised by the tick up, but fully expect it to go back down.  My tummy is better now.  I have no idea what caused the issue yesterday.  Oh well.

The biggest and best change for me has been between the ears.  I feel much lighter in my head and in my heart.  I burned the letter on Friday.  I got this wild idea to burn the letter and flush the ashes.  It seemed quite symbolic.  Then as I held the burning paper over the toilet, I had another symbolic idea.  I decided to pee on them before I flushed them.  It was a very freeing experience for me.

Obviously, once the little ritual was over, I was still 200+ pounds and the relationship was still what it was, but that didn't matter so much anymore.  I couldn't believe how much that anger was weighing me down.  Probably more than the anger was the denial that the anger was there, was weighing heavy on my heart.  Thanks to Timothy, I'm working on mantras and positive self talk.  Now I tell myself things like "Anger has no home here."  "Anger does not live here." "Anger is not welcome here." I know that this will take some time, but I'm committed.  I don't like being angry.  I like myself much better without the internal scowl.

I'm also thinking of other things I need to write down, burn and pee on! 

Breaking Through

I have finally admitted to myself that I have an issue with anger due to a long standing relationship.  I have known on a certain level that this relationship was not healthy.  For most of the relationship, I would accept the negative things said to me and about me as true.  At some point, however, I realized that they were not.  I began to push back and say that I didn't believe those things, and I didn't think that they did either.  Initially, I got begrudging agreement, and the negative comments are fewer now.

Obviously, this is a relationship I want to heal rather than sever.  I believe that the relationship is better now.  My problem is not so much what is happening now as what happened in the past.  I think I would lose the progress we've made if I suddenly brought up a litany of hurts to this person.  I think that on some level this person did not realize how I was internalizing things.  A confrontation on any level would likely only create fresh wounds and reopen the fragile scars from the past.

Instead, I have written a letter to this person.  It will never be mailed.  I envision burning it at some point in time.  Destroying it will be symbolic of those pains of the past being destroyed.

While I think this is a sign of progress, I'm not so naive as to think that this is the end of it.  I recognize that I have treated others badly.  I have treated others in the same way I was treated.  I need to heal the hurts I've caused others.  This, of course, gives me sympathy towards the individual described above.  That person was probably the recipient of similar treatment and passed it on to me.

For both of us, this is not the sum of our existence or even the majority of it.  Most people that know this person would be appalled to learn what I know.  Once I burn the letter, that will be the end of those hard memories and I will choose to focus on the positive.

Thanks for standing with me in this.  This is far from the end of the road.  In fact, it is just the beginning. I know that once I open myself to recognizing the hurts, I'll see others that I had no idea existed.  This could be a long road and for sure a hard one.  It will be worth it to get to my goal.

Pondering

*Disclaimer* I haven't blogged in over a week because I just haven't been able to put together anything that is remotely coherent.  The following is largely unedited (only spellchecked) because I needed to get it out.  I've started several posts, read them and then deleted them.  I know if I don't do something to move forward, I won't.  It is OK to stop reading if it makes no sense.  That isn't what is important to me now.

I am in a time of deep introspection.  I don't like it.  I know that if I not only allow it, but lean in to it, I'll get some good insights.  I'll find those hidden issues that need to be addressed.  Denial runs deep in this chick, probably stemming from perfectionism.  It is just no fun admitting fallacy.  It is even harder to admit in a somewhat public venue like this. (Last time I looked I only had 80 followers and got less than 20 hits a day, so this is really far from public!)

Still I don't like it.  I don't like letting myself and my friends down.  When I started this blog, I had dropped a significant amount of weight and was in a good place.  I felt like my goal weight was just months away rather than years and is still so elusive.  BUT, I started this blog as a way to help others.  I knew there were other people out there struggling.  I wanted very much to help.  It wasn't an ego thing, but a pay it forward thing.  I wanted to spare people some of the trials I'd been through on my journey down the scales.  I shake my head in wonder now.

Now I am the one screaming for help.   I am the one searching the dark corners of my heart, looking for the key to lasting change.  I am the one in the hole, clawing to get out.  HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN????????????????  How did I gain 40 pounds since April?  I was less than 20 pounds away from my goal.  Now I'm back over 200.  Something is wrong.  Something is very wrong and I'm afraid of it.  I'm afraid that I'll never be able to defeat it.  Whatever 'it' is.

I need help and I don't like it.  I don't like it.  I don't like feeling out of control.  I don't like feeling vulnerable.  I am the helper.  I am the one that lifts others up.  It is in my nature to encourage others.  I'm not used to being the one needing encouragement.  I don't know what to do.

I'm Discouraged

I had a very hard week last week.  I am so discouraged.  I feel like I'm doing what needs to be done to lose weight, but I'm not seeing the results I think I should.  Last week, I rebelled.  I knew then that I'd be even more unhappy today than I was last week, but I just could not muster the strength to do what I knew to be right.

Let me be clear about my week.  I did NOT binge or do anything outrageous with my eating.  I simply ate what I wanted to, when I wanted to, in amounts that I wanted to.  I kept a food journal and really, I did not eat horribly.  I don't keep sweets in the house, and I'm not the type to go out and buy something to eat.  Several times, however, I ate more than I should because it was there.

I continued to wear my pedometer all of the time, but did not take a walk.  All of the steps I had were steps I take during the normal course of my day.  I just could not get up the desire.  It seemed so pointless.  Only one day did I get over 10,000 steps.  Most days it was around 5000.

The only 'good' thing I did was continue to drink water.  Mostly because that was my only choice at home.  There were no epic battles of should I drink this or not.  When I got thirsty, I drank water.  I want the water so it is not hard to get in 64+ ounces every day.  Most days it is far closer to 100 if not more.

I want eating and exercise to be like the water is for me, but it isn't.  Truth be told, I would not care if I was told I could never eat another green vegetable.  (That is of course, if I didn't have to suffer the consequences!)  I'm not to the point where I think I'm hungry and I automatically reach for something healthy and nourishing.  I reach for what is handy and quick. 

I want exercise to be something I miss when I can't.  Instead, I'm perfectly content to sit at the laptop and see what is happening on facebook, or surf the 'net, or see what is on the food channel.  I don' t miss exercise.  It is an evil necessity for weight loss still in my estimation.

I spent a lot of time this week trying to figure out why I had not been able to maintain my 92 pound weight loss.  I recognize that I felt much better physically and mentally then.  I tried to figure out why it wasn't important enough to me that I let it slip away.  Why is it, that I refuse to recognize the link between healthy eating and exercise with feeling good and weight loss?  How was I able to lose the weight then and can't know?

The short answer is I don't know for sure.  One thing I did finally realize is that initially, I had a purpose.  Initially, I HAD to lose weight in order to skydive.  Now, apparently, it isn't that important.  I need to figure out how to capture that desire again; how to find that inner resolve and determination that led me through those days. That is where I am now.

I guess these times of introspection are good and needed.  I sure don't like them very much.

I have walked 640 miles this year and weigh 202.4.  And, I'm bummed.

Eating the right food is one of the most difficult things to concur when trying to lose weight. An experienced dietician can help you put together a diet plan which you can work towards to help with weight loss. There are a number of dieticians which can be found at one of the local private hospitals in London.

Monday Mileage

I have walked 626 miles so far this year.  Not too shabby.  I have 374 left to get during the last four months of the year.  It is a pretty tall order.  I may or may not make it but one thing  I know for sure, I will have logged far more miles if I had not accepted this challenge.

I had a good week and am still learning how to manage my time.  I had several days in which I thought, "this is how I thought it would be" so I am very pleased.   I learned that if I keep my shoes on, I'm much more apt to take a quick stroll around the yard than I am if I have to take the time to put my shoes on.  I know that seems silly, but oh well.  It works for me.

I think for the next few weeks, for as long as I need to and think it is helpful, I'll post my weight along with my mileage each Monday.  I've not focused much on the number trying to concentrate on good food choices, walking and water, knowing that the scales would eventually follow.  Let's face it though I wouldn't be thinking about food, walking and water if I wasn't trying to lose weight.  Heck, I wouldn't be blogging. 

I'm also going to post my total pounds lost.  I'm letting go of the fact that I had been quite a few pounds lighter just a few short months ago.  That little fact has been gnawing at me and I've spent too much time being upset about it.  I can't change it by being upset about it, but I can change what happens next time I lose those pounds.

For the record, I weigh 198.4,which is a total loss of 56 pounds.

Have a happy Labor Day, everyone.