I have finally admitted to myself that I have an issue with anger due to a long standing relationship. I have known on a certain level that this relationship was not healthy. For most of the relationship, I would accept the negative things said to me and about me as true. At some point, however, I realized that they were not. I began to push back and say that I didn't believe those things, and I didn't think that they did either. Initially, I got begrudging agreement, and the negative comments are fewer now.
Obviously, this is a relationship I want to heal rather than sever. I believe that the relationship is better now. My problem is not so much what is happening now as what happened in the past. I think I would lose the progress we've made if I suddenly brought up a litany of hurts to this person. I think that on some level this person did not realize how I was internalizing things. A confrontation on any level would likely only create fresh wounds and reopen the fragile scars from the past.
Instead, I have written a letter to this person. It will never be mailed. I envision burning it at some point in time. Destroying it will be symbolic of those pains of the past being destroyed.
While I think this is a sign of progress, I'm not so naive as to think that this is the end of it. I recognize that I have treated others badly. I have treated others in the same way I was treated. I need to heal the hurts I've caused others. This, of course, gives me sympathy towards the individual described above. That person was probably the recipient of similar treatment and passed it on to me.
For both of us, this is not the sum of our existence or even the majority of it. Most people that know this person would be appalled to learn what I know. Once I burn the letter, that will be the end of those hard memories and I will choose to focus on the positive.
Thanks for standing with me in this. This is far from the end of the road. In fact, it is just the beginning. I know that once I open myself to recognizing the hurts, I'll see others that I had no idea existed. This could be a long road and for sure a hard one. It will be worth it to get to my goal.
Lessons Learned
3 years ago
writing the letters and burning them are a wonderful way to let go and let GOD! at my 1st firewalk we broke boards on the side facing us we wrote all the negative things we wanted to change and on the outside the positives we wanted to bring into out lives, we "broke" through the negative and to the positive. mayhaps a piece of paper could be the same for you write all those negatives down and burn them with the letters you write. i'd also add to burn any fat clothes you have hiding just in case cause you do NOT need them around any more! make a list of the positives and hang it prominantly so you always see it, i also ask the water in the shower to cleanse me in spirit as well. symbology is important out psyche listens to everything so you better make it GOOD!
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like quite the journey of accepting, forgiving, and healing. It does not sound easy. I know I often have a hard time "letting go" of past hurts. But I like how you acknowledge that you also have hurt others as I have too. I have to work at not portraying myself as a victim.
ReplyDeleteI love this quote I saw on facebook:
Life is an echo
What you send out, comes back
What you sow, you reap
What you give, you get
What you see in others, exits in you
Remember life is an echo
It always gets back to you
So give GOODNESS
So I try to focus on what I can give vs. what I feel is done to me. We each need to work through our hurts and pains so that we can let them go. I admire your journey and awareness and hope that you can find peace with that relationship. :)
Take care,
~Margene
Your post reminded me of the most destructive relationship of my life, which is my relationship with my mother. It got so bad that I had to walk away or spend the rest of my life performing for no other reason than to not have her say negative things. Some relationships can be mended and get to a good place, and I'm glad it seems to be getting that way for you. For others of us, it's best for both of you to walk away. At 54 my mother still likes to control and humiliate. There comes a time when you have to walk away or forever feel small.
ReplyDeleteLove the letter idea. I actually did the same thing. Only I mailed it to God. i literally put it in the mailbox addressed to God. I listed all of my hurts and even signed my first name. I did all of this prayerfully. And even The Lord added words to my letter for whomever would eventually read it. I don't remember what He had me write. But I know they were purposeful to the reader. It was a really freeing exercise. All of those hurts are gone. And I don't even remember them any more. So awesome!!!
ReplyDeleteKeep focused!!!!