Transition Time

Over the weekend, I transitioned from the very low calorie hcg diet to low carb.  This always makes me a bit nervous.  As hard as it is physically & mentally to follow the hcg plan, there is some security there.  I know exactly what I can eat so most of the choices are gone.  I eat what is allowed and move on.  I generally know how my body will respond as well, which makes sticking to plan a little easier.

Over the last week, my losses had slowed down a lot which is a signal that it is time to move on.  I was glad that my body was responding appropriately and I was ready to eat some meat!! That is where the scary part creeps in.  The boundaries are looser.  I have more choices of what to eat and how much. 

The low carb plan is like Atkins in that all carbs are kept to a minimum, even good ones like fruit.  Unlike, Atkins amounts & calories still count.  So, eating a whole pound of bacon is not allowed. Still, I am fearful of piling in protein as if it is free food and undoing all my hard work the past four weeks.

So far, I've been enjoying more protein than the past for weeks, but my appetite has diminished so that I have not gone overboard.  I'm trying hard to listen to my body and respond to hunger and satiety without going into overfull.

Even though thoughts of brownies & ice cream dance in my head, they are still off limits.  As long as I continue to see them as 'not for me' and allow myself treats like almonds and walnuts, I think I'll make it.  Plus I have a wedding the last Saturday in July and I want to look good in the pictures!  Seeing another 0.4 lb slip off this morning helped as well.

I've got a death drip on this now.  I don't want to lose focus and gain weight.  I haven't got it in me to re-lose these pounds yet again.  They have got to be gone forever this time.

Embrace the Struggle

"Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last...

Those opening lines to Big Daddy Weave's "Redeemed" were running through my head yesterday morning as I read this from Jesus Calling:

"Thank Me for the very things that are troubling you...you are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining...the best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving...Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first.  But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith will eventually make a difference in your heart.  Thankfulness awakens you to My Presence, which overshadows your problems.

 Of course this was read with the struggle of weight loss on my mind.  Because it is.  Constantly.  It has been a struggle since I started in March, 2009.  There have been sweet spots of weight loss to be sure, but it hasn't been that way all along.  Obviously.  If I had a straight line down the scale, this blog would have a very different tone.  Besides, the fact that I would have achieved my goal weight a long time ago.

Nope.  Instead I struggled and I still do.

Somehow as I read those words and heard those lyrics in my head yesterday, it all made sense.  I had to struggle.  And as much as I hate to type this, the struggle isn't over.  The struggle is vital.  Without the struggle weight loss will never be permanent.  The struggle is required to rewire my brain.  To retrain my head and heart to think about food differently.  That isn't easy.

The struggle is also a necessity because of compassion.  If, five years ago, I skated down the scales without a hitch, I'd have little to no compassion for others walking this path.  Now, I look around me and see the others on this journey and my heart goes out to them.  I want to  help.  I want to share the lessons I've learned.  I know that every one's struggle is different; what helps me may or may not help another.  Still I am compelled to offer what I can.

As much as I want to help and share, I need to receive help from my fellow travelers.  That is probably the hardest part.  Maybe even harder than turning down some off limits food.  I don't like admitting that I need help.  We are all on this journey together.  I am no better and I am no worse than anyone else traveling this path.  We all have our own struggles. And together we will overcome the struggles.  Together we will get the healthy bodies we so desire.

Thanks for being my travel companion!

I Am at My Goal Weight!

I have been waiting to use that title for a post for 5 years.  Finally, I am, but for a different reason that I anticipated all those years ago.  I thought, at that time, I would use this title when I weighed 145 lbs.  I don't.  Not today.

My long time readers may recall that I have struggled since the beginning with goal setting.  If it is too easy, I'm not challenged and quit.  If it is too hard it seems impossible and I quit.  For a while I went without stated goals but that was not effective either.

This time, when I started yet again.  I was and still am unsure what my ultimate goal weight will be.  I'm leaving it vague on purpose because the cause of my regain is largely based on the feeling of failure from not reaching that specific number as quickly as I thought I should.

As I contemplated what I needed to change this time to make myself successful over the long term, I considered giving myself little rewards along the way.  Things that would be easy and inexpensive but still special, like a manicure or pedicure.  Maybe even both, at a big milestone.  I never did sit down with pen in hand to list out the rewards or the milestones to match.  I felt like getting the weight off was an emergency as I noted in an earlier post.

Still I had a notion of some milestone weights:

*212.8 below my lowest weight this year 

*199.8 because it is under 200

*175.0 because the 170's are where I no longer feel fat and my clothes feel more comfortable

*165.0 my doctor's goal weight for me

I need another one between 199.8 an 175.  That is a lot of weight to lose without getting discouraged.  But I'm not going to fret over it. I haven't decided if I'll push for 145 or stay at 165.  I have time to make both of those decisions.

Since I never really assigned a reward like get a pedicure at 212.8 and get a manicure at 199.8, etc.  I decided to make each one a "Goal Weight."  It is a mind game for sure.  Although the scales read 212.8 and I am celebrating reaching my 'goal weight' there is another one right around the corner.  I think that the feeling of accomplishment, the idea that I have indeed met a goal will keep me motivated as much as the hip pain did when I started.  We'll see. 

For now, I have a little celebration to attend to. 

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!!!

My weight was actually down 1.2 lbs this morning!!  Clearly, I am pleased to see a lower number on the scale after yesterday's issues.  I am so glad that I did not let the off plan eating throw me entirely off course for the rest of the day.  That has happened in the past too many times to count.

I think now the difference is, I have a true motivation again.  I know the more pounds I shed the better my hips will feel.  Last night, when the horrible little lying voice would tell me to eat this or that because I'd already blown it.  I could respond with the truth that eating that would only make my hips worse.  

My choices were a lot easier when I made it a choice between being in pain or not! I hope I continue to make good choices.  I know how easy it is to slip back in to old habits.  I am celebrating the victory but not saying I have won the war.  Not by any means.

Thanks for the encouraging comments.  We all know how much easier this journey is when we know we are not alone.

A Father's Day Celebration

For the second year in a row, 65MD and I have been invited to share Father's Day with his son and his son's wife and her family.  It has worked well for us.  We enjoy the time spent together.  And since 65MD and I have both lost our father's it is a good distraction.

When we received the invitation this year, we got the name of the restaurant and found the menu online.  Together we decided what to order that would work for each of our eating plans.  Sadly, the hcg is quite restrictive and eating out is a very difficult thing.  I knew walking in that I was going to order a plain house salad, thinking that it would be largely iceberg lettuce and that I would have some protein when I got home.  

We all met at the restaurant and were seated quickly.  I was impressed by that.  Often, large parties have to wait.  We were seated near a very nice Sunday brunch buffet.  I was secretly glad that I already knew that I was going to order the salad and would not be tempted by all the carbs one that buffet, because they looked good.

Our server quickly came and took our drink orders and said to help ourselves to the buffet while she got our drinks.  I looked at 65MD in shock.  He was equally stunned.  We surmised that serving only the buffet on Father's Day kept the crowd moving through quickly.  We agreed to make the best of the buffet given our circumstances.  (Had we been with our family rather than the DIL's I would have asked for a small salad.)  

I approached the first table with much trepidation.  I was hoping for some traditional salad bar type items to make my own salad.  I could still get a plate full of iceberg lettuce and nibble politely during the conversation.  (I admit thinking about the price of the buffet and a plate of iceberg lettuce did not make me happy.)  There was none.  

After passing through the entire line I wound up with three strawberries, which I think might have been decoration!!!  Not wishing to look like a picky 3 year old, I wandered over to the omelet station, thinking maybe I could ask for some of those vegetables to eat.  Next to the omelets was a carving station.  They had prime rib.  I got a small slice.  (hcg allows for lean beef, and this was the best I could do.)  

I went back to the table and showed 65MD my plate, a little embarrassed.  Everyone else there had plates piled high with cinnamon rolls, biscuits, waffles, sausages and on and on.  65MD found some pork tenderloins and vegetables in a cream sauce.  Good choices among the bad, but not for me.  

He asked why I hadn't gotten any salad, and I said because there was none.  He pointed to the first of the line again and there was a bowl of Caesar salad.  Apparently, it had just been placed or replaced as it was not there my first time through.  I got a small serving, even though I wasn't sure about it and the hcg.  I knew it was low carb and that is important.

So, I had three strawberries, about 1/2 cup of salad and a couple of ounces of prime rib.  It was all good.   Quite good.  And better yet, no one commented on my lack of food.  I went back for more prime rib because it was quite well done, but had nothing more.  

I know I did the very best I could and should be glad but I am concerned.  Hcg does not allow for eating off plan of any sort, no matter how good the reason.  I am concerned that when I weigh, I will have had a bounce up and I know it will make me mad.  I think that some how I should get special treatment because I really did the best I could do with the choices I had.

I am going to have to remember that even if the scale is unkind in the morning and does not agree.

I'll drop by in the morning with a report.  Even if it is only a number.

 

The Merry, Merry Month of May

Yes, I know that it is almost halfway through June, but I wanted to catch up.  65MD and I spent most of the month of May traveling.  We took a long anticipated trip to Niagara Falls then on to Quebec City where we hopped aboard a ship and sailed up the St. Lawrence seaway and around to Boston.  It was fabulous.  Even with a few hiccups that I'll share later, we had a trip of  lifetime.

I was home hardly a week and left again for Boston.  This time to see my nephew graduate from Harvard.  It took two days and four ceremonies.  It was one of the most impressive graduations ever.  Harvard has a reputation for excellence and now I know why.  Everything, and I mean everything was done to perfection.  It, again, was a glorious experience.  Plus,  I could not be prouder of my nephew.  He's here now with his fiancee and we are full on in wedding plans.  Life is good.

This blog, I know, is not for me to brag about my family and how good life is.  It is about my journey to lose weight.  That is for sure a mixed bag of good and not so good.

First the good - 

*I only gained 1.8 lbs while on the Canada trip, which was 12 days!!

*I only gained 0.8 lbs while in Boston.

*I have lost 8.4 lbs since coming home.

Now the not so good - 

*I have arthritis in my right hip.  My weight has gotten to a point that it can be incredibly painful.  Favoring my right hip causes the bursa in my left hip to flare which is also incredibly painful.  I have medication to ease the pain, but the only thing that will truly help the situation is weight loss.  

*I know that as wonderful as the trips were, I was held back by being unable to move freely.  My husband and nephew were both as accommodating as they could be of me, which sort of made it worse.  I hate for my bad choices to negatively impact those around me.

*Add to that, a lost crown, major blister on my foot probably due to the odd gait I have now, and a gusher of a nosebleed in the airport on the way to Quebec, I joked that 65MD was going to put me in a box and send me back home.

Now that I am back home and have more control over my food choices, I have started back on the hcg.  I feel like losing weight is an emergency.  I need to drop a lot of weight fast or I'll be in a wheelchair by this fall. (Not to mention that I want to look good in those wedding pictures!)  My plan now is to cycle through one phase of the injections (4 weeks on, 4 weeks off, 4 weeks on again) and see where I end up.  From there, I might do one more cycle or get back in to fuel cycling a la Trim Healthy Mama.  I have time to think about it and decide.

I'm just finishing week two of the first 4 weeks on.  I feel good about the loss so far.  I can already tell a difference in my hip.  I'll try to keep this blog a little more updated as I go forward.  Here's hoping that I can keep moving those tickers across the screen.

Thanks for waiting on me, my faithful friends!