Still Standing!

Well...not quite standing, still sitting is more like it.  I'm through all of my pre-op stuff and am now simply waiting until surgery.  I've been assured repeatedly that I'll feel better immediately.  One therapist told me I'd feel better in the recovery room.  I.can't.wait!

There is nothing to report on the weight loss front.  I'm just marking time until surgery and trying not to gain.  With my limited mobility, meaningful exercise is not happening.  I do have some pre-op exercises and then I'll have PT after.  I'm hoping to get some good moves from my therapist that I can use until all my restrictions are lifted and I can break out the belly dance DVD again!

Mini Update

There isn't much to say but I want to stay in the habit of blogging a couple of times a week, especially if I have to take another break after surgery.

My weight is up to 208.4, up 1.2 from my last report.  It doesn't make me happy but it isn't working on me like previous jumps.  For one, I know what is going on.  65MD have eaten out a lot lately and that, for me, spells gain.  We have celebrated my birthday, his birthday and today is our anniversary.  We will eat out again.

I'm trying to be smart with my food choices because I can't work out now.  Sadly, even cooking is getting harder.  I just can't stand up that long.  As much as I'd like to be under 200 lb before surgery, I don't see that being realistic any more.

The only exercise I get is shifting around when my hip hurts and my food choices are getting more and more limited to what I can grab and eat, like fruit.  I cook a good, healthy meal about once a week and we reheat the leftovers until they are gone. 65MD pitches in as much as he can (or I let him!) but he doesn't think about how many carbs, calories, fat grams etc are in a meal.

I'm OK with it all somehow though.  This is the way life has to be right now.  I'm doing my best, which is all I can do even under optimal circumstances.  I think taking away those lofty expectations I have of myself has given me some mental freedom.  I hope that is something I keep long after the surgery.

The Truth, the Whole Truth

I'm back from another unplanned, extended absence.  There are several reasons for this, if I am to be honest.  First, I feel bad.  This hip thing is really wearing me down and doing anything has become a major chore.  I only do what I must and this being the first of the month, it is a busy time with my work.  That has to come before blogging, unfortunately.

Coupled with that, is I'm not doing well weight-wise.  For the month of August I lost 1.2 pounds.  That is the truth.  On August 1 I weighed 208.4 and on August 31 I weighed 207.2 for a loss of 1.2 pounds.  The whole truth is, I lost 6.6 pounds, regained 7.2 and managed to squeeze back down 1.8 to eek out a loss for the month.

I don't like it.  I don't like admitting that I am not doing well.  Denial is a huge factor in that.  If I don't talk about it maybe I can fix it before I say anything.  Perfectionism is creeping in there too.  Confessing less than stellar results does not make me happy.

Then, there is a tendency on my part (and I think it is a good one for the most part) to try to put things in a positive light.  It helps me keep a more positive outlook on life.  I don't want to give that up, but trying to keep casting everything in the most positive way possible skews the image.  It makes me seem fake and unrealistic.  Who wants to reach out to someone that always has everything together?  It is intimidating.

I want to help everyone traveling down this same path.  I want to offer the wisdom of the lessons I've learned the hard way to save others the trouble.  I can't do that by appearing to have it all together.  I don't  And I won't for a long time!  I'm just doing the best I can with what I have.

Right now, the best I can is hobbling around the house.  There will be no meaningful exercise until PT after surgery.  That means that food intake has to be carefully controlled.  My expectations for weight loss are just lose what I can.  I am incredibly disappointed that I was so close to 199.8 and let it slip away.

I am trying to be completely honest with my situation and my feelings, yet still trying to remain positive.  I know this pain won't last forever.