If It Isn't One Thing, It's Another!

I have a great life.  I really do.  I am thankful all the time for the flexibility my work from home schedule allows, in addition to a great family, a healthy mother, a supportive & loving  husband, the summer (I don't even mind the heat), my house and on and on the list can go.  Sometimes, however, my schedule gets flexed into utter chaos!  Not really, but it feels that way to this ordered, structured accountant!

I used to approach each day with a list of things to do.  Sometimes, I would make lists for not just today but for the next few days.  Having an idea of when things would get accomplished kept me from feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities.  Going to bed at night with most, if not everything, checked off my list, gave me a sense of accomplishment.

I don't really do that anymore.  Life, or more accurately, my sense of control over my activities, has been slipping for some time.  My mother deciding to move was apparently the last straw.  Now, I just make long lists of things to do, with no idea of when they might get done.  It still quiets my mind to have it written down.  That way I don't have to burn a lot of mental energy remembering what I need to do.

Google calendar is great for this.  I make a list of tasks and check them off as they are completed.  The tasks that are not completed are easily moved to the next day and I start again the next day to see what I can do.

Blogging has been on my list since Monday.  I had a nice mental post all about 65MD's surprise party and what a blast we all had on Saturday.  My 2 1/2 year old niece could hardly contain herself when it came time to blow out the candles on the cake.  That's not going to happen now.  Just know 65MD was very surprised and pleased.  (His birthday is in September!)

Instead of blogging, I have been meeting with builders, going to the bank, sorting through papers and we haven't even gotten to the hard part about all of the stuff in her house.  In the midst of this, my mother's PCP decided to retire.

Even though, the timing of the announcement seemed rotten, we agreed this would be a good time for her to find a doctor in the new part of town.  After much research by my sister, the nurse, she found a doctor closer to my mother's current house than her previous one!!!  We all met him yesterday and all agreed he was fantastic and worth the extra drive once she moves.

The doctor is young.  He looks like he just graduated from medical school.  As we discussed our lives in general, he shared the ages of his children, and we learned he is older than he looks.  Still, he most likely won't retire on my mother.  We were at his office over three hours and all but about 15 minutes of that time, we were either with his nurse, him, or in the lab getting blood drawn. 

That hasn't left a lot of time for blogging. I miss it, and my blog buddies.  At the same time, I am forever grateful for my family.  I love them and being with them.

Extreme Emotions

I am still riding on the roller coaster of extremes.  I know that life is never all good or all bad.  Most of the time it is somewhere in the middle, some good and some bad.  It seems now, though the good/bad is very good or very bad.  Or maybe it really isn't that extreme, just so much at once it feels like an extreme.

My mother has decided to move in to a senior living community.  Great!!  I am so happy that she came to this decision on her own.  I love the community she's chosen.  She has a lot of friends there, which is why she chose it.  It fits her budget.  Every single thing we have had concerns about has been answered and has been a non issue.  I'm so glad.

I'm so sad.  My mother is moving out of the only house I knew growing up.  My parents bought that house when my older sister was a baby and never left.  A lot of Daddy's things are still there as a bit of a memorial since my mother hasn't been able to part with them.  In fact, the house is full of the memorabilia of all of our lives.  I do not want to sort through that.  It will be gut wrenching.  (My sister has suggested just taking it one closet/room at a time.  We'll have time for that since her new house is being built.)

I went to visitation for my friend yesterday.  We still don't know what caused the accident.  It is tragic, so very tragic for her family.  Her husband greeted me sweetly as if we were at a reunion and said it was so nice to see every one.  I was a puddle that 65MD had to mop up to get me out of there.  My heart hurts so much for what the family has to do to learn to live with out their mother/grandmother/sister and also how to deal with her husband whose mind will not allow him to live alone.  Nor, am I sure he understands that his wife is gone.

I have the best husband ever and this has given us the chance to grow even closer, both the death and the life change my mother is making.  65MD meant it when he said "better or worse" 15 years ago.  I rest in the comfort he gives me.

In fact, I have an incredible family.  We just plain get along.  We pull together in good times and bad.  I know that most people don't have that blessing.  I am trying hard to focus on the positives.  I know that is the best way to get through the negatives.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a day in which I experienced extreme emotions on opposite sides of the spectrum during the day.  My mind is still whirling from the events of the day.  I'm hoping that a stream of consciousness recap of the day will help my mind settle.

The first thing I did was take my mother to the eye doctor for her monthly visit with the retinaologist for the shots for macular degeneration.  They do an eye exam as a routine part of the visit.  She saw very well out of her left eye which is about 6 weeks post op from cataract surgery.  Not so well from the right, which is only about two weeks post op.  She has a couple more weeks for that eye to heal before she can get new glasses.  I am quite optimistic about her vision then.

I  planned earlier in the week to pick up my 2 1/2 year old niece at school yesterday just because I was missing her and her family.  I came home to find her car seat on my porch.  It made me smile.  I practically skipped through my day (or I would've if I could) in anticipation of picking her up.  It was a surprise for her.

When I got to her school, the teachers from other classrooms came in because they wanted to see my niece's reaction.  She goes to such a good school with such good care givers.  My niece was surprised to see me and quite ready to go.

I took her to her house and visited with her, her parents and nearly 6 month old sister for a couple of hours.  It was fabulous.  I have so much fun with them, that I lose track of time.  That is one of the sweetest families ever.

When I got home 65MD suggested that we go to a steakhouse for supper.  I was totally on board with that.  When we got in the car, I discovered my cell phone in the seat.  It must have slipped out of my purse without my notice when I got out of the car.  I was glad that happened because later I would have torn the house apart looking for it and maybe even called my relatives asking them to tear apart their house.

Just as we pulled into the parking space, I got a text.  I friend had been involved in a tragic accident and was found dead in her back yard.  I was stunned.  I gasped and read the text again.  Of course, 65MD froze, knowing I had gotten bad news.  I read the text aloud to him.  Partly because I hoped if I said it out loud it would say something different, or that I'd misunderstood.  But it still said that my friend was dead.

We went on into the restaurant but I could hardly eat.  I even choked on my food.  Choked to the point of upsetting 65MD.  I saw stars and thought I was going to faint when the food finally dislodged.  I was just about hysterical at this point.  I hurt.  My body hurt from the choking and my heart hurt for my friend's family.  Life with never be the same for them.

She retired early (about 2 years ago) to take care of her husband who was showing some signs of dementia.  It runs in his family.  He knew he was slipping and relied heavily on her.  Now she is gone and he is alone.  He has children and grandchildren, but he is without is rudder.  

I can't comprehend this.  I can't keep the thoughts from swirling in my head.  How tragic for all involved!

I try to think of my niece and her innocence.  Her sweet hugs and kisses.  She is so generous with her affection now.  She says "I love you" over and over while giving hugs.  She even pats my back when she hugs me.  It is so sweet.  I can't get enough. She is such a precious child, so, so loving.

Then my thoughts turn back to my friend...round and round I go.

Positive Affirmations

I am still working on capturing those negative thoughts and turning them into positive ones.  My biggest issue with the whole thing is being honest about it.  I don't know where the line is between being positive and self delusion.

I read articles that state all I have to do is believe something to be true and it will be so.  I don't think so!  I can believe all day long that I am 5' 8" and it won't change my stature.  So, in my mind, it does no good to believe that I weigh 110 pounds.  I don't.

I've tried telling myself things that aren't true now, but could be like:

*I like vegetables.

*I work out regularly.

*I am a healthy weight.

That still leads to frustration on my part. I do my best to implement changes that will make those statements true, but I never see it through.  I don't see results quickly enough or some life event throws me off course.  I don't  have to lose 10 pounds a day to be happy.  I'd be thrilled with any amount of progress.  I'm just not seeing it.

I want to be positive.  I want to believe the best about me in all areas, not just weight loss.  I'm not any better at positive messages than I am at permanent weight loss.

What to do?  What to do?

Floor News

My mother had cataract number 2 out on Monday.  That meant I was with her Monday night.  She really didn't need me.  That woman sailed through both surgeries like nothing happened.  And, since I was out of the house Monday, 65MD distracted himself by working on the floor.  I am happy to say that all of the underlayment is in place.  It is ready to be taped and mudded or mudded and taped.  IDK.  I'm just glad this phase is over.  I'm told that it was the hardest part.

In other news, 65MD baked some muffins on Sunday and declared the oven healed.  I baked some bread yesterday and it turned out just fine, so I agree.

I have not kept my commitment to walk further this week.  When I thought I would do that I forgot that I would be spending a couple of days with my mother.  I could have walked over there of course, but it has been monsoon season around here.  We've had a lot of storms and even had a tree on the lot behind us fall.  It fell away from our house so no harm done at all.  I had never heard a tree fall before.  That makes some noise.

Anyway, I am walking when I can and as soon as I am able, I'll push myself to go further.