Here We Go, Again!

I saw the surgeon yesterday for a one year follow up on my right hip replacement.  To the day, it was one year when I had surgery.  He was very pleased with the way my right hip has healed.  He even used the word 'perfect' to describe it.  That made me very happy.

He x-rayed my left hip as well since it has been bothering me off and on for most of the year since the right replacement.  He told me in the spring that the left hip had the same deformity and would eventually need to be replaced.  I was hoping to make it until January because I don't like January & February.  It would be fine with me to feel worse than dirt for those months. (not really fine, but better than in the summer)

But, the best laid plans, as we all know, don't always work out.  The x-ray showed that my left hip had 'collapsed.'  I wasn't surprised to hear that something like that happened.  About three weeks ago, I was standing up and it popped.  It hurt.  It hasn't stopped hurting at some level ever since.  

The pain medicine beats it back some but not completely.  I can hobble around and get things done that are necessary but not everything I'd like to do.  It has been longer than I want to think about since my house has been actually clean.  I keep the clutter and crumbs beat back, but the dust is piling up, especially in the bedroom where the new floor is being installed.  I don't even go back there most days.

Anyway, the only treatment for a collapsed hip is replacement and it is a bit more urgent.  So, I am scheduled for replacement on October 20.

On the one hand, I am so ready to get this behind me that I am OK with the escalated date.  On the other hand, the memories of how hard it was are still too fresh and I really don't want to go through that again.  The full truth is, I am fearful that even this won't help.  Even though the doctor said that my right hip was fine, it still hurts from time to time.  I'm hoping that is just because I'm favoring my left hip and putting too much stress on it.  

Being in pain for years, literally, years makes me wonder if I will ever be pain free again. I see people walking and am envious that they appear to be walking with ease and pain free.  Will that ever be me again?  Or, will I wind up in a wheelchair?

No one, not even the surgeon, who knows my weight because I weighed at his office yesterday, has said that if I lose weight it will help.  No one.  Still, we all know that losing any amount of weight will help.  I had finally gotten into a routine, however pitiful with the Wii and my eating that my weight was finally slipping down.  Now, I see all of that struggle to lose 10 lbs about to go up in smoke.  I hate it.  

I know that once I heal (if I heal) I can get back to the Wii or maybe even actual exercise and lose weight again.  I'm tired of losing the same pounds over and over.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm scared.  Scared of the surgery, scared of the recovery, scared that nothing will be fixed or even improved in the long run, and scared of becoming the fat old lady in a wheelchair.