Perceptions

Perceptions are funny things, and reality as the adage goes. I'm having a weird time with my body perception lately. I am now certain that I was in denial with regard to the size of my body before I lost weight. When I saw pictures of myself, I thought that they must have been from a bad angle or something like that. Deep, down inside someplace, I knew this because often I'd point to a large woman when J-boy and I were out and ask if I was bigger or smaller. Poor man. I think he fibbed a time or two.

With that in mind, I've been asking him to find comparably sized women when we are out. I'm still trying to get a handle on my true size. I think at my biggest, I perceived myself to be about what I am now, too heavy for sure, but nothing that a few months of strict dieting couldn't take care of. (I know better on both fronts now!) I saw pictures of myself recently, and I've wondered who she was briefly. At least, I thought she was cute. :) Adding to the confusion is a new haircut. Who knew getting bangs cut would make such a big difference!?!

The picture I saw was a thumbnail print out of all the employees, contractors, and interns at my office. Someone had the bright idea to take a picture of everyone and put it on the shared drive, so we could keep up with the interns in particular. They change from one semester to another. One of the Admins was put in charge of taking all of the pictures. Once she had taken all of them, she printed the thumbnails out in black & white and asked me to review them. I do the payroll, so I would know if any paid employees were missing. I immediately scanned the paper for my own picture to see just how bad it was, when I saw 'her'. I really did think she was cute and wondered why I didn't know her. I looked closer because it was a very small picture. Then I remembered seeing her in the mirror recently! It was a small picture. I am so glad I didn't ask who she was!!

I've caught my reflection unexpectedly in a store window as I'm passing by or getting a glimpse of myself in a mirror that I didn't know was there and think that woman is a nice size, and I'd be glad if I could get to her size and realize it is me.

BUT, before I get too enamored with my new look, I am brought crashing back to reality. J-boy made a short video on Thanksgiving Day of me & my nephews chatting as we finished our meal. My first thought was that my hair was cute, and I was glad I'd gotten the cut. Then my sister entered the frame. She had gastric bypass surgery about 8 years ago. She lost all of her excess weight and has kept it off. My face compared to hers looked positively swollen. I've mentioned my 'youthful face' before, but it is really a euphemism for chubby cheeks. Truth be told it wasn't just my face, she's smaller than me all over.

Then earlier this week, I put on my size 16 blue jeans that I'd had to take up in the waist. I was feeling pretty good about my itty-bitty waist, when I caught a profile of myself in the mirror. The itty-bitty waist was eclipsed by the bubble-butt sticking out behind it.

I'm using these two episodes as motivators to stay on track since I know I have nearly 35 pounds to get to my goal, but at the same time, I'm wondering what's real???