I have a full day scheduled tomorrow and then I'll be out of town for a few days. This may be my only chance to blog this week. Since my last few posts have been quite real and quite harsh, I didn't want to just disappear and maybe leave the impression things were worse. They aren't. They aren't more than just marginally better statistically speaking.
In terms of what can be measured like weight, inches or even miles, not a whole lot has changed. I haven't lost any more ground, but haven't made great strides forward either. That's OK. I'm a little tired of the wild ride, I'm much rather make slow and steady progress in the right direction.
As of right now, I have 664 miles towards the 1000 mile goal for the year. This is good walking weather and 65MD wants to participate. I hope in the next several weeks, before it gets too cold for me to really push that mileage up. I'll be happy whatever happens as long as I know I did what I could.
I weigh 203 even as of this morning. I was down to 202.4 yesterday. That has been my low weight for a few weeks now. Oddly, I had a horrible stomach ache all afternoon and evening yesterday. I couldn't eat supper. I was a little surprised by the tick up, but fully expect it to go back down. My tummy is better now. I have no idea what caused the issue yesterday. Oh well.
The biggest and best change for me has been between the ears. I feel much lighter in my head and in my heart. I burned the letter on Friday. I got this wild idea to burn the letter and flush the ashes. It seemed quite symbolic. Then as I held the burning paper over the toilet, I had another symbolic idea. I decided to pee on them before I flushed them. It was a very freeing experience for me.
Obviously, once the little ritual was over, I was still 200+ pounds and the relationship was still what it was, but that didn't matter so much anymore. I couldn't believe how much that anger was weighing me down. Probably more than the anger was the denial that the anger was there, was weighing heavy on my heart. Thanks to Timothy, I'm working on mantras and positive self talk. Now I tell myself things like "Anger has no home here." "Anger does not live here." "Anger is not welcome here." I know that this will take some time, but I'm committed. I don't like being angry. I like myself much better without the internal scowl.
I'm also thinking of other things I need to write down, burn and pee on!
Lessons Learned
3 years ago
Hey, if you're gonna pee, I vote you go one step further and finalize the whole ordeal! LOL :) Glad you are feeling better!! The weight will come off after your heart heals. I really know that's where I am right now. I have a lot of stress that I never mention on the blog. I have come to realize that these stresses are what constantly takes me back to binges. However, at this point in time, there is just not one thing I can do to change these stressful things. They aren't in my hands. That makes it tough to handle, but it's just what it is. Things never last forever. I will keep trying, on and off, until I reach my goal.
ReplyDeletei LOVE the peeing on the ashes idea as you released the toxic relationship with the smoke you released your physical toxins and let spirit have em both, and since water represents emotions that was a stroke of genius! i'm so humbled that i was able to help in any small way you inspire me EVERY single day whether you realize it or not! as your spirit heals and you continue your affirmations i just bet your body will respond in kind! have wonderful walks and a glorious time away, and remember..............YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL LOVING SOUL WHO DESERVES TO BE HAPPY AND WHOLE!
ReplyDeleteI knew you'd have some enlightenment for me about why I suddenly decided to pee on the ashes. You've helped me far more than you'll ever know.
DeleteLori