Emotional Eating

I am an emotional eater.  That isn't news to any of my long time readers as I have made that statement before.  This weekend as I had some 27 hours all alone with myself, the memory of my first emotional eating episode came to mind.  I'll share it now with the request that it be read gently and if anyone have any insights to share them kindly.  I am not a writer.  I do not articulate myself well in written form, but somehow my readers know what I'm trying to communicate anyway.  I'm sure that this time will be no different.  I look forward to reading the comments.

When I was a little girl, I had an uncle that I loved dearly.  He was my Daddy's youngest brother.  When I was a preschooler I considered marrying him.  That was before I knew that relatives didn't get married, not even in the south.  I still loved him and he loved me.  He seemed to understand my shy nature more so than anyone else.  We had lots of good times together.  He never pushed me to be anything other than me.  I flourished in that acceptance.

He died very suddenly and very tragically when I was in the 6th grade.  I remember vividly the moment my mother told me.  I remember the feeling of all of the air being suddenly sucked out of my lungs. I remember literally struggling to breath.  The emotional pain was so deep, it manifested itself physically.  I remember the trip to my grandparents house, playing mind games with myself.  Making up scenarios in which my uncle wasn't really dead.  Maybe he was just hurt very badly and my mother misunderstood.  Maybe we would get to my grandparents' house only to have to meet them at the hospital.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

We got to my grandparents and my worst fears were confirmed.  The house was filled with sadness.  All of the family was there or would soon be there.  It was as if there was a fog in the house and we were stumbling around, not knowing what to do.  Everyone was sad.  Everyone.

My grandparents were long time residents of their community and were very well respected, so there were lots and lots of people I didn't know there.  They were grieving along side us.  They brought food and stayed to offer whatever comfort they could.  We were all stunned in a way that is indescribable to someone that hasn't lived through that kind of pain.

Being so horribly shy, and devastated by the loss, I was totally overwhelmed.  I didn't know a lot of these people and they were wanting to hug me.  My grandfather was crying openly for his son.  I'd never seen that sort of sadness.  (Even now as I type this I feel the tightness in my chest and have to pause to get a deep breath.)  In the midst of all of this, I began to eat.

It wasn't a conscious decision as I recall.  I don't remember thinking, if I eat, I'll feel better.  I just got a plate and started eating.  No one told me that I shouldn't feel bad, so I wasn't stuffing the emotions down.  Everyone was sad.  I knew it was OK to be sad, but I'd never felt sadness on such a deep level.  I felt lost and alone.  Even in the middle of my family that I knew loved me as much as they loved my uncle, I felt lost and alone.

My grandparents house had a large kitchen with lots of counter space and a great big table where we could all eat together.  There was not a speck of room in the kitchen for any more food at all.  Maybe that sent me the message that food was supposed to help.  I don't know.

I remember eating copious amounts of fried chicken.  This chicken had probably been alive earlier in the day.  It had been heavily battered and fried, most likely in  lard.  I poked  through the dish and found the one with the most 'crust' on it.  I really didn't care which part it was, or if it was white or dark meat.  I wanted the crispy batter on the outside.  Of course, I'd been trained not to waste food, so I ate the whole piece.  It was the price I had to pay for the part I wanted.

I remember eating so much chicken that I hurt from being overstuffed.  No one stopped me.  No one asked if I was really hungry.  No one said anything.  I think no one noticed.  I think that everyone was so consumed with their own emotions that a quiet little 11 year old girl slipped their notice.

Don't get me wrong.  I am absolutely not angry with my family.  They were just doing the best they could too.  As a child, I had not developed any coping skills to deal with something of this magnitude.  I'm sure my parents never imagined that my sisters and I would need those skills at such an early age.  We all just did the best we could in those circumstances.  My choice at that time was to eat.

So, that's my story.  That is, I think, the first time, I turned to food for comfort.  I don't know why the memory surfaced this weekend.  It did, and I think there is a reason for it.  Maybe I'll learn that later.  Maybe I won't.  Maybe someone out there will see something obvious that I missed.  Maybe not.  Right now, I feel like the only thing I am supposed to do is share the story.  I have.

Please be gentle with me.  This was harder to share than the P90X pictures!

The Scales Moved!

This morning the scales finally moved down.  They moved down a whole 0.2 pounds.  Ordinarily, I'd be glad for this move.  I'd see is as a first small step in the right direction.  Not this time.  While I'm glad for the loss, I'm not all jazzed up about this being a good thing.  Let me fully disclose my day yesterday and see if anyone else agrees.

I had a late breakfast, skipped lunch and then had an early supper.  Breakfast was on plan, supper not so much since it was in a restaurant.  Even in the best of circumstances it is just hard to know what is really on that plate.  Was it really prepared the way I asked or not?  Generally a meal out, always means a gain the next day.  Add to that, I only drank 3/4 of my general water intake yesterday.  The day just did not turn out as expected.  It wasn't a bad day by any means, just a different day.  I'm OK with that except that it impacted my eating.   I should stay in control of that no matter the circumstances.  Anyway...

Remember that the other day, I gained two pounds after a textbook perfect day of eating and drinking.  I've learned for the most part not to let that bother me.  While the gain itself didn't send me in to a tailspin, I did not like the fact that it stayed around so long.

Now, after having a not so on plan day and to have a loss creates a negative reinforcement I don't want.  I can just hear myself justifying something by thinking that I lost weight after eating out, so why not eat X.  My thought process will go something like this:
 If eating on plan = Gain and
 Eating out = Loss then
I  should eat ice cream.

I am glad for the loss and I am telling myself it could have been more if I'd stayed more with my program yesterday.  My body is just weird.  I don't know if that is true or not.  I'm still telling myself that.

For the record, breakfast was late again today and I've not had lunch yet.  But it is ready to eat when it is time.  And, I've had all my water.  I'm getting back with it.  Maybe tomorrow, I can report that the rest of that 2 pounds is gone.

No More Porn

I bet I get a lot of hits from that title!!!

So far, there has been no more porn.  Either changing my password worked, or it was just a one time weird thing.

I haven't lost that pesky two pounds yet either.  I've been doing well, drinking my water and keeping the carbs low.  I'm frustrated but not discouraged yet.  I'm taking the advise I so freely dole out to my blog friends.  Keep doing what I know to be right and the scales will catch up.

What? and What!

 Today I've had two great big surprises.  I don't know what to make of them and any advise in either area is greatly appreciated.

Yesterday after a letter perfect eating day, the scales jumped two pounds this morning.  65MD was so surprised that he made me weigh again in front of him.  We both agreed it had to be water and would drop back down soon enough.  We were together all day so he knows what I ate as well as I do.  Of course, he lost weight.  Strange things like this have happened to me all along this journey so I'm not that upset about it.  I'd prefer that it not happen, but it does.  I just have to be strong and keep doing what I know to be right.

The bigger and much more distressing "WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" is that somehow my blog, this blog, has subscribed to porn.  I nearly fell out of my chair when I called up my reading list.  I was assaulted with picture after picture of things I did not want to see.  I have no idea how that happened.  I did nothing different yesterday than I do every other time I post or read.  I've changed my account password.  I've heard that helps but I don't know how.  Any suggestions?

I don't think the porn is where any one can see it but me.  If anyone logged on to read my latest diatribe on losing weight, and saw that stuff, I apologize.

My Blue Jeans

 Some time back when things were going well in the weight loss arena for me, I had a pair of blue jeans that were size 14.  They were beginning to get loose so I decided to go buy a pair that were size 12.  I went to the same deep discount retailer from which the size 14 pants had come, to get the size 12 pair.

Unfortunately for me, the store was out of size 12 jeans.  I tried on the size 10 jeans and they were too tight.  I got them on but was unable to button them.  Since the scales seemed to be slipping right on down, I decided to buy the 10's.  I thought I would be able to wear them soon enough and probably even at my goal weight.  (Yes, I was that close.)

I put some tucks in the size 14 pair and waited for the size 10 pair to fit.  So far that hasn't happened.  Right now those size 10 pants are still in my closet with the tags attached.  What is worse, is that the size 14 pair got too small.  I even let out the tucks.  The last time I washed the size 14 jeans and put them in my closet  I knew they were not coming back out any time soon.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago.  I was getting dressed one morning and my eyes fell on those two pairs of jeans.  I decided it was time to try on the 14's.  I got them on and buttoned but they were tight.  I decided to wear them anyway since I wasn't going any where.  I thought it might encourage me to stay focused.

As the day progressed they didn't seem as tight.  Denim has a tendency to 'stretch' with wear.  By the end of the day, I felt like they fit just fine.  It was a welcome little 'happy' for my journey.

I know it is just a matter of time now before they are too big and the 10's come out of their waiting place.  Yahoo!

Making A Change

One afternoon late last week, 65MD came home with a weight loss plan for himself.  He had done his research and had a reasonable plan laid out before him.  He did not ask me to join him since he knew that I was doing well with my plan.  However, I really liked his plan, so I said that I would join him.

I'm not going to give any information about the 65MD Plan just yet.  I want to make sure it works for us.  I agreed to try it for 30 days, unless I started gaining.  After that time, and I have an idea of how well it works, I'll spill all the details.

It was a hard decision to jump ship.  I was doing phenomenal on the hcg.  I was losing the regain, which usually does slip right back off.  I knew once I got through that honeymoon phase, it would get hard.  I must say that while the weight loss has been great for the most part, hcg is a mentally tough way to lose.  It is so, so restrictive that it is hard to just go about life.  That reason pushed me over the edge to give this a try.  I can always go back to the hcg if this doesn't work.

As of Saturday, 65MD and I are using his plan.  I'm preparing myself mentally for him to race down the scales much more quickly that me.  It happened before.  I will be happy for him for sure, and come here and rant and rave about it.

For the record, I have lost a total of 51.2 lbs and 27.25 inches since I began this journey in March 2009.  I wish I'd taken more measures when I started, like my rib cage, and my abdomen (which is what I'm calling the space between my waist & hips).  I'm doing them now but I don't have a beginning figure for those areas so I can't say for sure how many more inches would be added to that figure.  Quite a few, I'd say.

Hopefully in mid-February, I'll be back with even more good news from the scales and the tape measure.

More Disjointed Thoughts

Since everyone that commented was so kind yesterday, I thought I'd put up another post of various thoughts. 

Oddly, I have had fish on the brain.  I want fish.  Fish is allowed on hcg, so it isn't like craving ice cream or any other forbidden item.  The strange thing about is is that I've never been a real fan of fish.  As a child, I would not touch it, except for fried shrimp.  As an adult I acquired a wider taste for it, but I'm still not the type that thinks "YUM" when it comes to fish.  Odd, but I'll go with it.

Another strange thing for me is the food dreams.  I've had them before when I really get ensconced in a program.  I had a doozy last night.  I had gone back to my most recent employer and they had remodeled the building to include a fabulous food area.  There were all sorts of delicacies there.  My friends happily showed me the area and gave me samples of everything.  I took them and gladly ate them commenting on how delicious they were.  Suddenly, I realized I wasn't supposed to be eating that and tried to recover.  (this is typical for these dreams)  I bought a frozen turkey and started walking home with it.  I knew this would not really make up for all I had eaten but somehow it was going to help some.  I woke up relieved to know that it was only a dream and I had not eaten all of that stuff which shall remain nameless.

The scales continue to give me the results I want.  I can't complain about that.  Otherwise, my life is a little bit boring, or at least not blog-worthy.  I'm glad for that.  I'm ready for some 'boring' where my life is concerned.

Not Much to Say

I don't have much to say as far as weight loss is concerned.  I feel like I should write something though.  This may not be worth the time it takes for me to write though.  Feel free to skip ahead if I ramble on too much.  I really don't have a topic in mind.

I am losing weight which is a good thing.  I've got a long way to go to re-lose all of the weight I gained back at the end of the year so I'm not getting to excited just yet.  I am glad that the momentum has shifted and I'm headed down the scale rather than up.  That is a very good thing.

Last year did not end well for me personally with the illness of my mother and issues with my hip being the two biggest downers.  I have done a lot of contemplating about the year.  It is easy to say that 2012 was not a good year and I am glad that it is over.  But I can't let the last month or so of the year taint the entire year or even that month.  We got a sweet baby girl added to our family in December.  I was able to fulfill a life long dream of working from home.  While the cash flow could be better, we are doing OK and I feel confident that it will improve soon.

This year, started with a funeral.  I have another one to attend today.  I'm trying very hard not to write off 2013 already.  I'm telling myself that I'll get the bad part over early in the year and end on a high note this year.

While I don't like what has happened lately, I'm not down or depressed about it.  I'm content inside on a deep inner level that is hard to explain.  I feel sad for my friends that have lost loved ones.  I'll shed a tear today as I did at the other funeral I attended, but I'm not getting bogged down in it.  I hope this doesn't sound callous or cold hearted.  It is far from it.  It is an inner quieting of my spirit.  It feels good.

I've noticed this quite a bit in my life lately.  I just don't beat myself up over things like I once did.  I am getting out of the habit of defining myself by my perceived failures.  I am learning how to re-frame what I once thought was a failure as a good thing.  It takes practice and I'm still learning, but I like this new way of being.

Thanks for sticking with me to the end.

 

Bit & Pieces

I thought I'd do a quick catch up post on several topics that I just left hanging in the breeze while I was enjoying the holidays.

First, my mother is much better.  While my sister and her family were in town she went back to her house to stay with them.  She tried staying by herself when they left and has decided she's fine on her own.  We all agree that she is, and we've also all agreed to get her an emergency call necklace.  Right now, we're all calling her several times a day.  So far, she's not upset by the interruptions.  LOL!

Second, I have been released from going to physical therapy each week.  I have several exercises to do on my own.  I'm using that as my workout for now.  My hip is still tender and doing too much can cause quite a bit of pain.  I'll ease back in to more strenuous exercise as my hip allows.

Third, I'm still thinking that I'm having a good walking day and looking for my pedometer for confirmation!  I'm glad that I feel like I'm getting a lot of steps in still.

Finally, I have restarted hcg, after having encountering someone IRL doing it.  It was someone I just met by happenstance that I had never seen before.  This person mentioned losing weight using hcg and how he and his wife made it work for them, I decided to try again.  This is the end of the first week for me.  At this time, I'm planning to do three weeks on and three weeks off.  I'll report my stats at the end of each three week period.  That will be enough to keep me accountable but hopefully not get too boring.

I think that is it.  Let me know if I've forgotten something.

Phantom Pedometer

I know it is only day three, but I feel good about keeping the positive habits I created in 2012 by doing the 1000 mile challenge.  I still behave as though I have the pedometer clipped to my waist.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and drove to my favorite far away parking spot.  Someone in a mini cooper slipped in to 'my' spot and I remembered my statement about not fighting for the close spaces!  Oh well, I'll have to fight for the far ones. 

Inside,  I lapped the store several times.  Most on purpose, but once because I forgot something.  Later in the day, I took my mother to the doctor.  Parking is an a garage.  There is a bit of a walk to the elevator, I don't park far away for her sake.  Inside the building there is another little walk to the office.  As we were leaving, I thought I'd had a pretty good walking day and reached for the pedometer to check.  It wasn't there.

I still walk around in the house taking the long way or making more trips than really needed to move laundry, etc.  I'm going to keep those habits.  I like them.  I also like not being burdened by guilt or frustration when the situation does not allow for me to get the maximum number of steps like when another car got the parking spot I wanted.  All in all, I think this is a good thing.

Final Mileage Report

Happy New Year one and all.  I had a fabulous time with family and friends the past several days.  The first group of family left today and the last two will leave Friday.  That is good, it will ease me back in to 'real life' again.

I ended the year with 926 miles.  I fell short of what I thought I could do during the last week of the  year.  Although I felt active, I just didn't get the steps in that I thought I could.  During the last month or so, when it became apparent that the 1000 mile goal wasn't going to happen, I did a lot of contemplating about the challenge itself and why I started.

I started the challenge for two main reasons:
1.  Fitness/weight loss
2.  Because the odds of being successful were low

Number one is pretty obvious.  I make a lot of decisions regarding my time and resources based on that.  Not a surprise to anyone, I'm sure.  The second may need a little explanation.

I've struggled with perfectionism along with my weight during this entire journey.  I've blogged about it multiple times, so I won't belabor that point.  I will simply say that most of my life I didn't take on many things when the odds of 'winning' weren't in my favor.  A challenge like this would have been given a swift 'no thank you' without a single thought in times past.  In fact, initially, I did say that. 

Then I began to realize perhaps this is just what I needed.  Even though it could be done, I knew myself well enough to know that not making it was also a large possibility.  I started the year with great resolve and a spreadsheet, just like I always do.  I fretted all through January because I was behind my desired timeline and the graphs weren't looking good.

One of my friends IRL also doing the challenge really helped me to calm down about the whole thing.  I settled in to a pattern in which I did the best I could each day given the circumstances of the day.  At work, I walked the long way to & from the restroom and strolled around the parking lot at lunch.  When I started working from home, I did laps around the house weather permitting.  I parked in the furthermost spot when going to the store.  I took the long way through the store (although I'm not sure is this was the best thing for my budget!)

Some of those things, like parking far away are so deeply ingrained that I'm sure I will continue them.  I like not fighting for the closest spot.  I don't mind taking the long way around the store most of the time.  I'm learning to relax and not rush through the store and that is spilling over in to the rest of my life.  I'm letting go of the agendas I so often create.  I'm a calmer person because of it.

I must say that during the last month, particularly when my mother was so ill, I felt burdened by the challenge.  I think that the old me was upset that I was not going to 'win' this time.  Even though I have nothing to hang my head about, I didn't get in the 1000 miles.  The old me would have wanted to get 1001 at a minimum.  Now, I've got to learn how to make a respectable showing be good enough for me.

I had initially said that I would keep the pedometer on until I reached 1000 miles, but I changed my mind.  I put it in a drawer this morning and will live with the fact that I only walked 926 miles this year and that is just fine.