Merry Christmas

The weather has delayed our celebration a day, but that is fine with me.  It just stretches things out another day.


I hope everyone has had a great time with family and friends.  I know I have.  And I will continue to all week.

Victory Thursday!!

I have struggled all day about what to include in my victories this week.  I have not exercised unless you count walking the long way to the copier at work and walking to a coworker's desk rather than calling, stuff like that.  I've eaten cookies, caramel popcorn, and cheesecake.  All in all, I was chalking this up to be a bad week. I was disappointed with myself for not doing better.  I was trying to think of a way to confess all of this and discuss how I needed to get back to the right path before I gained all the weight back when I realized I was slipping in to that all or nothing mindset.  If I'm not 100% on plan then I'm failing way of thinking.  That just simply was not true.

 

Even though I ate cookies, caramel popcorn & cheesecake during the course of the last 7 days.  I've also chosen nuts over candy because I really preferred the nuts.  I didn't eat the whole slice of cheesecake because I was getting too full and wasn't enjoying it enough.  It is in the refrigerator waiting for me, and has been there since Tuesday night.  Not once did I think, that I might as well polish off the cookies after I'd had one or two.  Those choices and the fact that I actually do walk to a coworker's desk rather than pick up the phone are all major shifts in mindset for me.  While I won't be conditioned for a marathon by doing that, every step does count.  Every good choice lays the groundwork for the next one.

 

I've also learned that I'm cued visually to eat.  If I don't see the cookies, I can get busy and forget about them.  If they are displayed on the table or even in a clear container, I want one every time I walk by.  All of the treats are in containers that are solid.  I can't see a thing!  I'm also cutting way back on the amount of treats I'm making.

 

This sort of progress is gradual and hard to notice, but is it the sort of progress that is real.  This is the sort of progress that will stay with me when the weight loss phase of this journey is over.  These are the choices that become habit.  The mindset becomes such that picking up the phone doesn't enter my mind, I just get up and walk.  From that perspective, I've had a great week!!

Fifty Day Report #5

I haven't had a very successful week this week in meeting my goals, but I did lose weight.  Not a good combination, as there is some negative reinforcement going on there.  Now, I'll start thinking about how I ate cookies and still lost weight.  Before I expound anymore, though, I want to get to my goal reporting, that will explain a lot. 
1.  Drink two protein drinks per day - didn't happen.  I don't think I drank a protein drink all week.  I knew my heart wasn't in it when I committed to it last week, but I thought the accountability would pull me through.  It didn't!
2.  Exercise three times per week - not this week! I got in two and the second one was before posting so I wouldn't have to confess only once.  I finally came to the realization that I'm going to have to do something totally new to get back on the exercise wagon.  I've sold my elliptical and am seriously considering buying a stepper.
3. Lose some amount of weight - check, total loss so far with my personal 50 day challenge is 2.8 lbs, and I have two weeks left.
4. Water - check.  I got this one this week



I will work Monday through Thursday of next week, and don't have any parties or anything to interrupt things.  I see myself staying on course easily during that time.  I read the term 'pre-cheating' the other day and I love it!  That used to be sooooo me!  Now, I think about how much weight can I lose before the event so as to negate the damage.  For those days, I plan to eat much like I did this week, small meals with healthy food.  I love clementines, so I ate a lot of those this week and will next week too.  I'm also planning to blog during this time too, even if it is only on Victory Thursday.

My sister from out of town will arrive with her family next weekend and will stay until January 1 or 2.  That is what I live for.  We have a blast every year at this time.  We have one big party from one house to another all week. I'm taking the week off from work so I won't miss a second of it.  Most of the time we're at our mother's house playing games, working puzzles, and just enjoying being together.  We sometimes go to my sister's house or my house because there is something that just must be done in that locale.  Really, it is great.  I love it.

There is snack food galore too.  This year, I've decided to take my own snacks.  I can make snack mix that is better than what is in the store.  I've got tons of fruit and my niece would pick a piece of fruit over a potato chip any day.  I've got an ally in her.  I offered to make a big pot of chili for us too.  I thought that way, I could control what exactly was in it!  My mother loved the idea, and expanded it.  Now everyone is making chili!!  It will be so much fun to see what everyone comes up with.  My nephews are even getting in on it.

For that week, I'll be reading blogs, but probably not doing much writing.  I'm planning to have some chili along with reasonable meals.  I'm not going to count carbs, calories or fat grams.  I'm also not going to eat the entire plate of cookies either.  I think this past week has proven to me that I can make good choices without following a strict regimen.

Once my sister leaves and the dust has settled, I'm right back in the saddle, baby!!  I'm going to get this last 30+ lbs off and move on to maintenance.

This Week's Victories

This has been a busy week.  It started with a snow/ice 'event' as the weather people call it, on Sunday.  From the time J-boy and I got home from church Sunday AM, I did not go outside until I left for work Tuesday morning!!  Believe me, I was fine with that.


I filled my water bottles and got all my water down.  I had made cookies for our church Christmas program Sunday night and for the group we facilitate on Monday nights.  Both things were canceled. I thought of all sorts of good reasons to eat the cookies, like they won't be fresh next week.  I gave in to temptation a time or two, but most of the cookies are still there.  That is huge.  In the past, I would have eaten almost all of them.


Tuesday was a catchup day at work and the board meeting Tuesday evening.  There are lots of goodies floating around the office these days, but yesterday I had a great eating day.  I was right back on the wagon without a thought to chucking it all until the first of the year.


Wednesday we learned out neighbor passed away.  We knew he was gravely ill and wasn't going to last much longer, but it was still a sad thing to learn.  I had planned a blog entry about him earlier in the week and didn't get to it.  I still might.


Also on Wednesday, a co-worker asked if I'd started losing weight again.  She has struggled with her weight and so I've confided in her a little more about the recent stall in my own weight loss.  Another co-worker was there and said she'd noticed the same thing recently and was impressed that I was actually losing weight during the holidays. 

Finally for an actual scale victory - I have been yo-yoing between 181 and 179.6 for weeks now.  Finally this morning the scale read 179.0!!  Today, I am being extra careful so that the scale continues downward.  I'll report Saturday at the latest so stay tuned to see if this trend continues.

Fifty Day Report #3

My thoughts are rather scattered today, so I'm not sure if this post is going to make much sense.  Sometimes, I've discovered if I just start typing the thoughts begin to settle, maybe that will happen today.

I began to think last weekend that the protein drinks had run their course as far as weight loss is concerned, but thought I'd stay with them since it is relatively simple.  No real planning is involved other than choosing which meal to eat and which two to drink.  I have stuck to that for the most part this week.  There were two days when I ate two meals rather than one.  One was the day I ate a clementine & banana for supper trying to sate an overwhelming desire for cookies.  The other day was yesterday when I had a business luncheon and J-boy's Christmas dinner for the College of Business.  I feel good about the choices I made at both meals, and the best news in all of this is, my weight has stayed the same for three days!!  That has never happened before.


I weigh myself every day and will continue to for the accountability of it.  I know myself well enough to know that is a necessity.  Most of the time, it has no impact on my mood.  I don't walk away from the scale feeling like a failure if my weight is up.  Generally, I try to analyze the eating of the last few days and see where the problem is so that it can be corrected.  Lately, I've had dramatic swings in my weight, as much as two pounds up or down.  I know that most 'normal weight' people don't weigh themselves daily so they don't know if their weight fluctuates like that or not.  I suspect that it probably does.  I think that when I get to my goal weight, I'll have a zone of tolerance, of maybe two pounds up or down.  Right now, my goal weight is 145, so any thing between 143 & 147 would be acceptable when I get there.


The issue now is getting there.  I have known for a while now that I'd start back on the hcg in January.  I've had it for several weeks, but I knew better than to do anything that drastic now.  That is totally unrealistic and asking for failure.  So...now my dilemma, what to do between now and January.  I know telling myself to eat intuitively is the same thing as telling myself to eat up, but I also know that I don't want to start anything new for just two weeks.  Even though the drinks aren't creating the loss I'd like, I'm maintaining, so right now I'm leaning towards continuing with those, knowing there will be more days ahead when I'll have two meals.

We have two Christmas gatherings tomorrow.  One is an open house at the university president's house, and the other is our annual Christmas Extravaganza at church.  Both places will have lots of finger foods/stand up meal type things to eat.  Other than the chocolate fountain that the prez has always had, most of those things I can pass up.  I can get a nice mug of cider and walk around with that, so people don't ask if I'm eating or not.   I can have a clementine or some nuts before each event so that I'm not hungry and tempted to over indulge at the chocolate fountain.  I think I'm OK with that.  I'll just have to decide day to day what that day's strategy needs to be.

For my 50 day goals -
1.  Drink two protein drinks per day - qualified check
2.  Exercise three times per week - check (but only three and not hard exercise either, just enough to keep my from lying on the blog!)
3. Lose some amount of weight - check, only 1.8 lbs but it is a loss
4. Water - the actual goal was to fill my water bottles on the weekends just like during the week.  That hasn't been a problem.  I have diligently filled the bottles, what I haven't done is drunk the water!!  I already confessed that earlier in the week, and I've been much better the rest of the week.

Now, I'm off to bake cookies for the church party tomorrow.  I'm always asked to help with those because I'm good at it.  ;-)  That is probably why I've had cookies on the brain this week though!  Wish me luck.

I Wanted Fruit

This morning just before lunchtime, one of my coworkers came walking down the hall towards me. She was wearing one of those cute sling backpacks, because she's just stylish that way, but more importantly, she was carrying a container of chopped fruit. It was one of those containers that comes from the grocery store already chopped. It was so pretty and refreshing looking. I wanted that fruit. I wanted her to offer me some just like I used to want people to offer me cookies, but alas she did not.

Another co-worker offered me doughnuts, but I really didn't want one. There were even some snowman shaped ones. They were probably even cream filled. To make the snowman, there was a doughnut without a hole in it for the body and a doughnut hole above that to make the head. They were cute to say the least, but they really had no appeal to me. That particular brand of doughnut just isn't my favorite. They taste a little oily to me. They always have. The difference now is, if I don't love it, I don't want it. It isn't worth it.

I've become a little hesitant lately to point out those small changes that are taking place for several reasons. One, I don't want to come across as a braggart; two, it seems like once I become aware and pleased with myself about something I immediately stumble; and three. sometimes they are so small they are almost imperceptible.

But, today I am setting a goal to blog at least one NSV each week. I'm running the risk of being perceived a braggart, but that is a risk I'm willing to take. I'm determined to break the cycle of two steps forward, one step back, because I think it is important to look for those nearly imperceptible changes. Those small changes, the ones that happen without that internal struggle, or at least not any more, are the ones that will last. They are the things that become second nature. Things like choosing fruit over doughnuts because that is what I really want. I think those small changes get lost in the epic ones and all I focus on are those.

I want to raise my own level of awareness regarding those changes, and be happy with myself for those things. I don't want to be down on myself because exercise is a battle every day for me, or that I still want cookies like crazy. It is all to easy for me to notice that struggle and feel like I am failing, when all around me are those little choices moment by moment, when I make the right choice and don't even realize it.

Care to join me? Every Thursday I'm going to blog about the little things I've done that week that were good choices. I don't know how many weeks I'll go. We all might decide it is too braggadocios, or we all might move in to a place of better acceptance of ourselves. Let's see what happens.

I Blame the Cold

In yesterday's blog, I failed to mention that I haven't had all of my water at all this week.  I was concentrating too hard on not baking and eating a whole bunch of cookies.  On Monday, I only drank about half of the water I brought to work.  On Tuesday, even though I was at the office party for several hours, I managed to get in about 3/4 of it. Today, finally, I got all of it down.  It was hard, it took a lot of effort.  I blame the cold.


As I have mentioned before drinking water is the easy part for me.  It is almost second nature.  Lately, however it has been cold here.  I know I have some readers in the Pacific Northwest, so highs of 30 degrees is nothing, but for me - that is C.O.L.D!!!  I cannot stand to be cold.  The office is a chilly office even in the middle of the summer.  One of the ladies actually brings a lap blanket to keep her legs covered as she works, so it isn't just me.  Drinking water makes me feel even colder, so I'm not getting it all down.


I'm learning to dress in more layers, like 4 or more.  I've asked for underarmor for Christmas, so hopefully I'll thaw a little bit and get back to drinking water without a thought again soon.


Just for the record, I didn't eat any cookies last night.  I did eat a banana and a clementine rather than the protein drink.  I think that was a fair exchange.  Thanks for the encouragement yesterday.  It is good to know I'm not alone.

This is Hard

 I don't think I've ever tried to adhere to any eating goals this time of the year, other than indulge!!  Even last year after I'd lost the largest amount of weight in my life, I don't remember struggling like this.  Which is one reason I wish I'd had started this blog earlier.  I think these memories fade.


Today we had our office Christmas party.  It was a lunch event.  The food was quite good, also very rich and high calorie.  I ate it knowing that I'd have my drink this evening.  That was the plan all along, but now I'm struggling not to go grab something sweet.


I almost let myself not exercise, but I did.  That was really a big victory.  I had no excuse not to, and I knew I'd have to report on Saturday, so I did.  Go, me.  Now, I'm blogging to keep from eating.  I want cookies!!


Tomorrow should be a good, clean eating day. I have no challenges to derail me except my own little brain.  Thursday, I have lunch with a woman that may assist J-boy and me facilitate our grief group in January.  I can handle that with a small salad.  J-boy's college party is Friday, and the university has two holiday gatherings, one of which is Sunday.  Sunday is also our church Christmas program with cookies & cocoa. 

I know I have to be extra good now, if I want to have a small treat or two over the weekend. Instead, I keep thinking that old way of 'chuck it all until the first of the year'.  That is what had kept me overweight & obese for so long.  That is what needs to change.  Change is hard.  This is hard, but I'll be glad when the scale is down on January 1.  No cookies tonight!

Fifty Day Report #3

I'm still plugging away at the 50 day goals I set for myself last month.  It hasn't been easy, with all of the leftovers, but it is different somehow as well.  In the past, I would have eaten the leftovers as quickly as possible, so as to get rid of them.  They would be on my mind continually until they were gone.  This year, I've eaten only a reasonable portion as allowed by the protein drink program, which is one meal per day, with total calories not to exceed 1200.  It really isn't hard.  BUT, my issue this year is watching the leftovers languish in the refrigerator. 

I gave as much away as I could on Thanksgiving day, but I still came home with quite a bit.  I've taken stuff to work just about every day this week, to the point that people were asking what I'd brought to eat that day.  Still there is a good bit of food in the refrigerator.  J-boy is whittling it down, but he too, is trying to trim a few pounds.  So there they sit.


I don't like waste.  My plan today is to see what will freeze.  I'll try to freeze individual portions so that once thawed, J-boy and I can eat them.  What I can't freeze, I'll try to give away today.  I really don't want to throw away what was once perfectly good food because it has sat around and spoiled.  None of this, except for the cranberry salad, is sugary or high fat.  It is just too much.


My lesson for Christmas, is not to 'binge' cook.  I'll select one or two special favorites and make a reasonable portion.  A portion that can be eaten in one sitting or easily eaten within another day or two.

On to the goals:

1.  Drink protein drinks two meals per day - check
2.  Exercise at least three days each week  - check
3.  Lose some amount of weight - check
4.  Fill water bottles on the weekend to ensure getting 64 oz in - check - The bottles were filled first thing this morning and I'm working on the first bottle now.

Perceptions

Perceptions are funny things, and reality as the adage goes. I'm having a weird time with my body perception lately. I am now certain that I was in denial with regard to the size of my body before I lost weight. When I saw pictures of myself, I thought that they must have been from a bad angle or something like that. Deep, down inside someplace, I knew this because often I'd point to a large woman when J-boy and I were out and ask if I was bigger or smaller. Poor man. I think he fibbed a time or two.

With that in mind, I've been asking him to find comparably sized women when we are out. I'm still trying to get a handle on my true size. I think at my biggest, I perceived myself to be about what I am now, too heavy for sure, but nothing that a few months of strict dieting couldn't take care of. (I know better on both fronts now!) I saw pictures of myself recently, and I've wondered who she was briefly. At least, I thought she was cute. :) Adding to the confusion is a new haircut. Who knew getting bangs cut would make such a big difference!?!

The picture I saw was a thumbnail print out of all the employees, contractors, and interns at my office. Someone had the bright idea to take a picture of everyone and put it on the shared drive, so we could keep up with the interns in particular. They change from one semester to another. One of the Admins was put in charge of taking all of the pictures. Once she had taken all of them, she printed the thumbnails out in black & white and asked me to review them. I do the payroll, so I would know if any paid employees were missing. I immediately scanned the paper for my own picture to see just how bad it was, when I saw 'her'. I really did think she was cute and wondered why I didn't know her. I looked closer because it was a very small picture. Then I remembered seeing her in the mirror recently! It was a small picture. I am so glad I didn't ask who she was!!

I've caught my reflection unexpectedly in a store window as I'm passing by or getting a glimpse of myself in a mirror that I didn't know was there and think that woman is a nice size, and I'd be glad if I could get to her size and realize it is me.

BUT, before I get too enamored with my new look, I am brought crashing back to reality. J-boy made a short video on Thanksgiving Day of me & my nephews chatting as we finished our meal. My first thought was that my hair was cute, and I was glad I'd gotten the cut. Then my sister entered the frame. She had gastric bypass surgery about 8 years ago. She lost all of her excess weight and has kept it off. My face compared to hers looked positively swollen. I've mentioned my 'youthful face' before, but it is really a euphemism for chubby cheeks. Truth be told it wasn't just my face, she's smaller than me all over.

Then earlier this week, I put on my size 16 blue jeans that I'd had to take up in the waist. I was feeling pretty good about my itty-bitty waist, when I caught a profile of myself in the mirror. The itty-bitty waist was eclipsed by the bubble-butt sticking out behind it.

I'm using these two episodes as motivators to stay on track since I know I have nearly 35 pounds to get to my goal, but at the same time, I'm wondering what's real???

Whew!!

After five glorious days off from work, I jumped back in the deep end of the pool!  Life will be like this for at least the next six weeks.  Of course, we our social calendar has ramped up again too.  I feel good still.  I have a plan and I'm sticking to it.


Although, I'm not posting like I'd like to, I'm reading blogs.  I'm doing fine with my eating, and I've actually exercised two times this week.  I'm looking forward to posting a big loss on Saturday.