Mixed Messages

I spent the weekend wondering if I was sane.  Well, maybe not to that extent, but I got and gave myself mixed messages all weekend.

First, I was sorting through some old pictures.  By old, I mean during my early post college years.  At least most were from that era, some were from college days and went through my mid-thirties.  (I am not saying how many years ago that was!)  As I went through them, I was struck over and over as to how attractive I once was.  I hope that doesn't sound vain.  I don't mean it that way.  

I spent most of my life thinking that I was fat and ugly.  I was neither.  Not in those pictures.  I didn't date much in high school and college.  I think I had one date in high school and one college.  Not exaggerating!!  I  wrote it off as all the other girls, were thinner and prettier, who would want to waste their time with me?  

When, I saw the girl in the pictures she was neither fat, nor ugly.  Some of the photographs were more flattering than others.  And my weight fluctuated some, but not wildly.  Not to the point of obesity.  At most, they were at the low end of overweight.  

I'm not going to spend a lot of time ruing the past because I cannot change it, but it made me wonder about what sort of misconceptions I have about my body now.

Second, the scales, until this morning, were racing up like crazy.  I know my body overreacts to any type of carb, or sodium.  Even though, I knew that I was not eating like a racehorse, it seems as though the scales were reflecting that.  It was hard not to chuck the "No S" plan and run back to the 'safety' of hcg.  (BTW, I pretended like Saturday and Sunday did not start with S over the weekend since I only started on Friday.)  I kept trying to tell myself that the scales were only one reflection of health and not the most accurate one.  I knew that I had stayed away from the three S's (sugar, snacks & seconds) and that in time the scales would cooperate.  (They were down this morning, but not enough just yet to have a loss on Wednesday.  Fingers crossed!)

Third, I put on my one and only pair of  blue jeans several days ago, when I spent a few hours in ONEderland.  Before then, I had not had them on in probably a year.  I decided to put them back on Saturday.  They seemed tighter to me, but I made myself wear them because I thought it would help me stay on track for the day.  I was going about my business, when 65MD smacked me on the bottom and made a comment about going away.  I thought that he must be talking about me going somewhere, and not my backside.  When I responded as to my plans, he clarified and said he was indeed talking about my behind.  He further stated that he had a better view of it, and had been looking at it long enough to know that it was smaller.  I started to say that it was the jeans holding me in, but then remembered the pictures.  Maybe the jeans were holding me in, but so what?  There was a time not too long ago when they wouldn't button.

Fourth, I decided to wear tights to church yesterday.  Putting them on is a huge ordeal still since my right hip is not fully healed and my left hip is a wreck!  But, I got them on.  (65MD tries to help but he's not very adept at this particular task!)  They seemed too big somehow.  They seemed to bunch at the knees and ankles.  When I pulled the wrinkles up, they just stayed at the top of my leg.  There was no place else for them to go.  Then the waist came almost up to my bra.  Clearly, I had not worn them in months because of the challenge to get them on.  

I had a couple of outfits in mind to try as I approached the closet.  My eyes fell on a dress, I had not considered because it was a bit snug last time I wore it.  I decided, to give it a whirl, just to see how much longer before it fit.  It slipped right on.  My first thought was that the tights were holding everything in allowing the dress to fit.  The truth was, however, that the dress was bordering on being too big at the top.  (One reason why I choose separates most of the time.)  I put on a light jacket and looked fine.  (On a side note, I put on heels but took them off, I'm still not quite steady enough!)

Then, at church a sweet friend commented on how nice I looked and asked if I was losing weight.  I thanked her and said that I was trying to lose weight.  In my mind, however, I was quickly discounting her compliment.  She is a sweet person and is always trying to uplift others, so of course she would say something like that.  Almost instantly, I realized that this precious lady is sweet, and kind, but NOT a liar!  If she had not thought I'd lost weight she would have stopped at saying I looked nice, or would have complimented my hair or jewelry or something else.

It took those continual messages of affirmation for me to realized that I don't really have an accurate picture of myself.  I don't know what I am capable of either.  I don't need the crutch of hcg to lose weight.  I can do it, and be more successful in the long term with a more relaxed lifestyle approach afforded in the "No S" plan.  I did it in my 20's.  I can do it now.  I'm still the same person, only a little older and hopefully a little wiser.