Total Weight Loss

Monday, March 2, 2015

A Peek Inside My Head

Ever since I stopped the hcg in the middle of February and even more so since I fell in to the box of chocolates last week, I have been doing a lot of contemplation as to what weight loss method is right for me.  Hang on, this is going to get a little bit murky, as it is sort of a stream of consciousness post.

First, and probably obviously, it has to produce results.  I don't have to lose extraordinary amounts of weight each week to be happy.  Although, that would be a nice bonus.  The thing I need most in this arena is consistency.  I truly believe I'd be quite happy losing a pound a week - IF I lost a pound each week.  I could even be happy with not losing weight one week, if I lost 2 the next.  

Next, it needs to fit in to my lifestyle.  This means two things to me.  One I don't have to count, weigh or measure any thing other than my body and I can eat anything I want.

With regard to the counting, weighing & measuring food, I can't.  Since I am an accountant it seems as though that would be just my thing.  It isn't.  I get so caught up in the precision and accuracy of it all that I drive myself crazy for fear that I went over some place because I didn't count 1/8 teaspoon of pepper.  (not kidding!)

Then, I start thinking that if 1200 calories is my limit, I should stop at 1000 to cover those missed calories due to my inaccuracies.  Or maybe even 800, how about just eating 200 per meal and no snacks.  It gets crazy.  This happens no matter what I count.

Eating anything I want, is sort of coupled with this.  When I can't have something, that is what I want most.  I'm not talking about eating cookies for breakfast.  I mean not feeling like a freak in social situations.  I want to have the option to eat whatever is served at parties.  I want to be able to eat my aunt's homemade peach ice cream on July 4, without feeling like I've blown everything.  That I've eating too many calories/carbs/whatever.

As my mind circles around and around with these thoughts, I keep coming back to the same thing - real food.  Eating things like my grass-fed beef, fresh vegetables and fruit, nothing processed (which I almost never do anyway), keeping carbs to a minimum and only in a natural form like fruit.  Here's my problem.  I don't trust myself.

I don't trust myself to make good choices.  I have a mentality of being on a diet or off.  This feels like 'off' and I fear I'd eat another box of chocolates or half a pizza because I am not on a diet.  It is like, eat it while I can because the next diet is just around the corner.

I have an idea that food is either good or bad.  Green vegetables,=good.  Potato=bad.  If I eat a potato then all is lost, and I am a horrible person for not being able to make better choices.  At the same time, I don't think it is healthy to lop off a whole food group, like carbs.  We need those.  We need apples.  I know we don't need carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, but if I decide that I'm never having that again for the rest of my life, I freak out.

Lots of the time, knowing I CAN, makes it easier for me to CHOOSE not to.  Weird, I know.  Most of this stuff is a mental battle, rather than a physical one.  Most of the work I need to do is between my ears rather than at the gym or in the kitchen.

I'm searching still.  I know nothing will produce lasting results until it is a permanent change inside.  I'm just not sure how to change inside my head.

Thanks for hanging in there and reading through to the end.  I hope it wasn't too freaky.


  1. This. Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel. I'm trying to learn to balance actually living (meaning eating what is available at a party or whatever) with keeping focused (not letting eating that one bad thing spiral me into eating ALL the bad things.) It is a struggle, but we just have to keep working through it!

    1. Thank you, Beth Ann! I am so glad to know I am not alone in the way I feel.

  2. I think a lot of us will completely relate. I feel the same way. I just do. And I'm so sick and tired of ME and how I can't control myself! I also have the "eat brownies now because Monday you start watching what you eat" mentality. Why can't it just be EAT NORMAL and enjoy the treat once a week or whatever??? But no. I am a diet freak. A fat one at that! Lol It's sad! Anyway, I feel ya!

  3. I wish I had an easy answer for you, it's that battle that we all wage. it's ok not to have all the answers and you know that. it's scary when we want to have a right or wrong black and white good and bad those grey areas can drive us nuts. consistency is the answer whatever you do and you'll figure out whats right for you.

  4. I feel you girl. I understand just how hard it can be finding a method that suits you for losing weight, but I especially understand the 'on-diet/off-diet mentality'. Sometimes I feel like I already screwed once, so I lose it for the whole day...

    Well, as Beth Ann commented before me, this is a struggle and not an easy one. But things do get better, as they say, 'slow progress is better than no progress'.

    Hugs, stay strong!