I had not realized how many times I called myself an idiot during the day until I started paying attention to it. I'd do something most people to like mislay the keys and tell myself that I was a moron the whole time I was looking for them. I would never do that to someone I love, so why do it to me?
I can most of the time recognize the name calling and tell myself it isn't true. Now, I need to fill the ugly name with a positive name. However, I am not at all comfortable with that. I'm not talking about calling myself a genius or anything outrageous, just telling myself that I am intelligent and need to find a place to put my keys when I come inside.
I don't want to become arrogant or prideful. I'm having a hard time finding that middle ground. I am still trying to put something that happened last week into the proper context.
65MD had a conference in Philadelphia last week. Business Deans from all of the world, literally, were in attendance. One evening, we were able to attend a client appreciation event aboard a yacht. The yacht was chartered so everyone aboard with the conference.
It was a perfect evening for cruising. It was a casual dress event. I wore a sundress with spaghetti straps and an elastic bodice. It was a bright green & yellow tie dye sort of print with tropical flowers painted around the bottom. It was floor length. It was cute, but wasn't all that. It was a 'one size fits most' number from WalGreen's!!
At one point early in the evening, 65MD and I had become separated. I was approached by a nice looking young Dean, who struck up a conversation. I chatted with him a bit before I realized that he was hitting on me! I was shocked, mostly because I've been married so long, it doesn't occur to me that someone might want to hit on me. Once I realized what was going on, I mentioned my husband when it fit into the conversation. He lost interest quickly and moved on.
During the evening I got several compliments on the dress, both in front of 65MD and when I was alone. It was very appropriate for the occasion but not something from Neiman Marcus!
Once we were back in our hotel and discussing what a lovely evening we had, I recounted the number of compliments I received and told 65MD. "You academics are easy to impress!" I said it in jest and then immediately realized I was giving myself and my husband a negative message.
I haven't quite figured out how to reframe that. I could say I looked nice and that would be true up to a point. I feel like I really don't ever look good enough to be hit on. Then that makes it seem like 65MD isn't very smart.
What is the truth here? I don't know.