I Wanted to EAT!

I've been on this journey for almost three years now.  I started with hcg and have followed their protocol of using the hcg for a time period and taking a break for a time period.  This is to keep the body from developing an 'immunity' to the hcg.  I've used the in between times to explore other eating plans, hoping to find the one that would serve me for the rest of my life.  One that I could follow to maintain my weight loss.  Each plan had varying degrees of success.  Mostly, I think, because I was doing for the short term.  Some just weren't right for me to be sure, but even the ones that worked weren't going to sustain me when I considered them temporary. 

I would count the days remaining.  I would try to guess how much weight I'd lose by that date.  I'd think about the food I was missing that could be added back in x number of days.  Somehow this mental track was always running in the back of my mind.  I knew to the ounce how much weight I'd lost and how much I had to go to get to my goal.  When I would change plans and what I'd eat differently.

Slowly, slowly during this time my mind has changed.  Slowly, slowly, I've come to the realization that this truly is a lifetime situation.  Not a 3 week or 6 week temporary plan, but an every single day for the rest of my life plan.  The difference this time has been startling.  I restarted the hcg on December 31, and have been 100% compliant with the plan every day.  I hesitate to use the word easy because it still isn't.  It was sort of like slipping on a glove.  It fit and felt comfortable.  I knew what to do and I did it. 

Now, I feel smaller and healthier, but I'd have to think to tell anyone the number of pounds I've lost.  I'm not counting the remaining days on hcg, although it is marked on the calendar.  I eat what I plan, when it is time and don't spend time obsessing about food.  I don't pine away for some missed food item, which is never as good as I thought it would be anyway.  I just do what I need to do with regard to eating.  It is a small blip on the radar now.  I think that is the way it should be. 

Even with the quiet confidence that has somehow grown inside without me noticing, yesterday I.wanted.to.eat!  I wasn't hungry.  My stomach wasn't growling.  It wasn't time.  I just wanted food.  It was like a monster awoke from somewhere deep inside and tried to take over.  I wanted food and a lot of it.  I didn't care what it was.  I wanted it.  This wasn't a craving or a fixation with a certain food item it was any food, just a whole lot of it.  I am happy to say I did not succumb.  I stuck to my plan and feel good about myself and my decisions, but this was a little unnerving.  I wanted to pile in a whole lot of something - anything!

The lesson for me, is not to get too comfortable.  Not to ever think I've beaten the monster that lives inside.  The monster that tries to derail my success.  There will be battles in the future even at my goal weight.  Some I win and some I won't, but each day I hope to grow stronger while the monster grows weaker.