Travel NSVs

I had quite a few NSVs while I was out of town.  I want to share three.  I believe two of the three represent real growth on my part in making healthy choices.  The third is totally an ego stroke for me!

1.  One evening I was at the hospital with the whole family, when some friends dropped by to visit.  They brought with them two dozen Krispy Kreme donuts.   Of course, they offered the donuts to everyone there and I politely declined.  There are two things to know about this story.  One is, I don't really like Krispy Kreme donuts.  I like Dunkin' Donuts, I like Donut Den, I even like Entenmann's from the grocery store, but not Krispy Kreme.  So, on the one hand it wasn't that hard to say 'no.'  On  the other hand, I was hungry.  It was past the time I typically eat and my brother in law was about to go to the cafe for food for us when the guests arrived.  Of course, he stayed to visit and have  a donut or two.  Turning down the donut meant it would be another hour most likely before I had anything to eat.  I could have justified it, but I didn't.  I just toughed it out.

2.  When my niece got home from the hospital, she decided she wanted a milkshake from a local fast food place.  This is local burger & fries joint known  for incredible milkshakes.  My brother in law was, of course, going to get her a milkshake and graciously asked if anyone else wanted one.  I politely declined again.  This was pure reflex, or muscle memory!  I declined without going through that huge mental battle about wanting one but not needing one.  I was actually shocked when I realized what I'd done and then I had the mental battle.  It wasn't epic like the struggles in times past, it was more of a "Drat, I missed a chance for a milkshake.  I won't get that chance again for a while."  Then I decided it was OK.  There is more to life than milkshakes and I'd be fine.  I was.

3.  Finally, once my niece was settled on the couch with her milkshake, we began to watch the Disney channel and chat about who all had come to see her, brought gifts, etc.  When a promotional bit for Teen Beach Movie came up she suspended our chat because I needed to see what was on TV.  One of the female leads was singing a song.  She was a pretty young lady with long dark hair.  She was very well groomed and looked quite nice.  My niece exclaimed that she always thought of me when she saw this particular character.  I couldn't see it, and asked if it was because she was wearing red lipstick which is my thing.  She said it was but more than that.  She thought we looked just alike.  I pointed out that we had different hair color and she said that was the only difference.  I quit trying to convince her otherwise when she said something along the likes of "But look, she is just so pretty."  There's nothing like being seen through the eyes of love!!  There was nothing fat about that young lady.

Since I've been back, I've returned to the meal replacement shakes.  My goal is to get below 200 before I leave for Guatemala, on October 5.  My goal for Guatemala is to stay below 200.  Hopefully, I'll check back in with an update before I go.

My Travel Report Card

I am home from my trip and am glad to report that my niece continues to improve.  This is a long road for her.  Therapy could last as long as 6 months.  She's doing so well, that I don't think it will.  Thanks to everyone for showing concern for her.  Now, on to how this trip impacted my weight loss goals.

As of this morning, I have lost exactly one pound  from the day I left!  Of course the scales are only one measure of success.  While I am thrilled with a loss of any amount, I know that the scales are the part of this journey over which I have the least control.I  have always maintained that for me there are three areas I can control and if I am successful in those areas the scales will follow.  They are:

*What/How Much I Eat

*Adequate Water Intake

*How Much I Move

I've given myself a grade in each area just like a school report card.

Food

I stated going in that I was planning to eat whatever was served in moderation since I had no idea what would be required of me.  I knew that the church was providing food and that I had no control over what was brought.  I only had control over what I ate.

I was most impressed by those generous individuals that brought meals.  They all included fruits and green vegetables.  Every meal that was brought was made at home.  I was a little fearful of convenience foods, but there were none of those anywhere in sight.  I ate what I felt like were moderate portions at each meal.  

They also brought dessert, which is my nemesis!  I've already mentioned the butterscotch brownies.  I had additional desserts as well.  Again, I had moderate amounts.  I confess that I wanted more than I allowed myself.  If I had let myself, I would have polished off the brownies and several other of the goodies around.  I did not.

I felt like I ate like an normal average person.

For eating, I give myself a "C"

Water

The first day that I was there all day was Wednesday.  That was the day of the surgery.  It was chaos that day.  My 5 year old special needs nephew had seizures all day and felt bad.  We spent a lot of the day with him laying on me while I laid on the couch.  It was the only way he would calm and I was exhausted already so I did not mind.  The thought of water never even crossed my mind.  It was probably a good thing because I never would have had time to pee!!!  I was thankful that I didn't have to plan and prepare meals for my other nephew.  The second day the 5yo was much better and I was able to drink some water, but caring for him is a full time job.  He gets fed through a feeding tube every 4 hours, plus various medications are administered throughout the day.  On Thursday afternoon, my older nephew came home from school with a fever!  I did not get a full 64 ounces in any day I was there.  

For water, I give myself a "D"

Exercise

I did not formally exercise at all while I was gone, however, I contend that I got in a major workout every day.  On Thursday, I noticed that I was sore in my core.  I realized right away that it was from carrying around my nephew.  He weighs 30-35 lbs and had very little motor control  It is like carrying around a 3 month old.  He can't hold his head up for long, nor can he hold himself in an upright position.  He is non-verbal and is not ambulatory.  He can't use the potty either.  I got plenty of exercise picking up that little fellow and carrying him around the house.  My arms weren't quite a sore since I am used to carrying around a 20 lb baby girl.  She can hold her head up and keep her back straight.  It is amazing the difference that makes.  I feel the best about this area. Even though it was unstructured,  I got in a workout 24/7 for 5 days!

For exercise, I give myself an "A"

I think overall I did well and am pleased.  I had a couple of NSVs while I was there which I'll share in a later post.  

Very Quick Update

My niece's surgery went quite well.  I haven't seen her since the protocol is to spend the first night in ICU.  She is strong and should go to a regular room today.  I'll see her then.  In the meantime, I am taking care of my special needs nephew.  

I have not binged although I ate a butterscotch brownie yesterday.  It was homemade and warm from the oven.  That has been my only indulgence.  The meals have been provided by my sister's church and have all been good.  They are both tasty and not prepackaged.  I've been impressed.  I've eaten only normal servings.

I weighed on my sister's scales and am up a pound.  It could be just the difference in scales.  I'm not concerned about it.  I plan to really focus in hard when I get home next week.  Because it won't be long before I go to Guatemala!  I want to be in tip top shape for that.

Weekly Average

My average weight for this week is 202.0.  Not good.  Not going in the right direction at all.  That is an average gain of nearly a pound.  Here's the worst part.  I had a great week of eating.  I was on plan 100%.  I did not exercise enough to blame the old muscle gain thing.  So,here I am once again wondering what in the world happened.

I don't have a lot of time now to explore that either which is doubly frustrating.  I'm have a major deadline with work on Monday and I leave town early Tuesday morning.  My niece is having surgery on Wednesday so I'm going to help my sister and brother in law take care of their boys.  I'm really not sure how all of that is going to play out.

I'm going with the idea of eating small portions of whatever is served and moving as much as possible.  Other than that, I really can't make any concrete goals.  Prayers for my niece and her family would be much appreciated.  I'll likely not be back in touch until the week after next.

I hope to have good news to share.

In My Dreams? Really!?!

I've blogged before about my vivid dreams.  I had another one last night that I just had to share.

In my dream my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, sisters & brothers in law) were all attending a performance of some sort.  An aunt had made the arrangements and the rest of us were just showing up.  She had blocks of seats in a couple of areas at the performance hall so that groups of family would be seated together.  

I was the first to arrive in my section.  I don't know where 65MD was; maybe parking the car?  I sat alone in a group of seats that were more like bleachers than theater seats.  My space was far too small for my body.  It was uncomfortable.  I knew that 65MD was on his way and was hoping that he would not need as much room as he was assigned since I was spilling over in to it.  

As I was waiting, I struck up a conversation with a little girl seated nearby.  She was not a member of my family.    She was trying to guess something about me, which I cannot remember.  It was something like guessing my age.  Anyway, as she was gathering information to make her attempt, she asked if I was pregnant.  I told her that I was not, that I just had a fat belly.  I told her that I'd always had a fat belly.  She was astonished and asked if that was true even as a little girl.  I assured her that it was.  

That is all of the specifics of the dream that I recall except for how I was feeling during the dream.  I was happy to be at this event and glad to see my family.  My feelings changed when I could not fit in my space.  It was physically painful and embarrassing to me as I looked for a solution to my problem.  I was happy for the distraction of the sweet little girl.  She was innocent and was only seeking information not taunting me for my size.  Even as I told her that I was fat, I was enjoying the chat with the child.  In my dream, I was laughing as I told her I'd always had a fat belly.  It was akin to telling her that I'd always had green eyes or something similar.

When I woke up and recalled the dream that I began to wonder if there was something deeper going on in my psyche.  I'm not smart enough to truly ferret out these things.  Initially, I wondered why my subconscious had joined the battle of beating up on me for my body shape.  As I analyzed my feelings during the dream though, I was not upset at all with the child or her question.  I was upset about not squeezing in the seat.

So, perhaps it means I am making peace with the shape of my body, but not with the size.  Any other thoughts would be welcome.

Survivor Challenge

65MD and I bonded over Survivor 2, which was in Australia.  It is still my favorite season.  We watch it every season and create our own Survivor challenge during the 39 days the castaways are on the island.  Our best challenge was to drink only water for 39 days, no coffee, no tea, no cola, not even flavor in the water.  Plain water for 39 days was a bigger obstacle than either of us anticipated.   I think that added to the 'enjoyment' of the challenge.  (I put that in quotes because it wasn't so enjoyable at the time!)

So, as a new season is upon us, we are trying to decide how to challenge ourselves this time.  We've done the usual things that spring to mind, like no this or that.  This time we are considering upping our workouts while the show is on.  Since the contestants have to walk every where and have physical challenges every three days, it makes sense to us.  Plus, we need to amp up our workouts for sure.  

We're thinking of challenging ourselves to workout 39 times during the season.  It seems rather doable on the surface.  The season is about 13 weeks, which is 3 workouts per week.  But, the first week out, my niece is having surgery so, I'm going to be out of town for a week with her.  The first of October, I'll be in Guatemala on a mission trip for a week.  I'm not making excuses, I'm being realistic and recognizing that some weeks, I'll have to do more than three workouts to make up for the weeks I won't be able to get in three.  Then there is the unknown, injury or illness could happen to us.

Still, we accept the challenge.  We have a week before the premiere so we may tweak it a little more between now and then.  We're open to suggestions too.  I love it when my readers give me good ideas.

Thanks to Sharon for reminding me about averaging my weight for the week.  I started doing that last week.  My average weight for the week was 201.06.  Not good, but it is where I am.  The important thing is what I do now.  It seems like at this season of my life Tuesdays are my best blogging days.  I'll try to report each Tuesday what my average weight was for the previous week, and update the tickers.

Thanks to everyone for supporting me!

Yesterday

Yesterday was a day, I'd rather not blog about.  But with my renewed commitment to accountability to myself, I'm going to share.

Yesterday was one of those days that sort of exploded on me all day long.  Generally, I wake up in the morning with an idea of what I'd like to accomplish sorted by the stuff that must get done today and the stuff that would be good to get done today.  If I accomplish the must list, I've done a good day's work most of the time.  Yesterday, I worked my tail off all day long and at bedtime, I was reassessing the must part of my to do list.

I have a shake for breakfast within an our of waking.  I don't always want anything first thing out of bed, and if I have it within an hour, I still get the benefit of breakfast according to what I've read.  I could easily skip breakfast most days, and having these quick, easy and not too heavy drinks keeps me from doing that.  I know that it is bad for the body not to eat for long periods of time.  Yesterday, that didn't happen.

From the time I got up until about 2:00 pm, I was hurrying and scurrying all over the place.  I was able to help some family members that needed it and I was glad to do it.  If I'd realized how the day was going to play out I would have gulped a drink before leaving the house.  Even though I got back rather quickly from the first outing, there was no time for a drink before the next issue arose.  I stamped that down and moved on to the next issue and on and on until mid afternoon.

By that time, I didn't want a drink.  I knew 65MD and I would be having our evening meal before I would want to eat if I had the drink.  I don't want to start the practice of eating when my body isn't ready.  I've had a hard time breaking that habit and I was not allowing one little crack in that dam.  So, I grabbed a handful of dry roasted, unsalted peanuts on my way out the door to run what I thought was a quick errand.

I should have known better.  I had two stops to make that turned in to four.  Every place there was a long line and lots of waiting.  There was also food in three places.  I had none.  Even though, my stomach was growling, and I was truly hungry the options weren't good.  I'd rather not eat than eat the wrong thing.  I endured.  Oddly, I felt fine.  No headache, no shaky hands, nothing to indicate low blood sugar or anything.  I was able to keep drinking water all day.  

65MD and I had our evening meal as planned.  It was a nice chicken dish that  we enjoy.  Our evening was relaxed, and I went to bed early because I was sleepy!!  Besides, not eating anything except for peanuts and one meal yesterday, here is my problem:

Yesterday, when I got up I weighed 199.4, which was up 0.2 lbs from the day before.  I don't let minor fluctuations like that bother me.  That has to be water or the inaccuracy of home scales.  I note it and move on.  This morning, however after a day of near fasting, I weighed 200.0!  I think that seeing the '2' bothered me more than the gain.  While it is still a small amount, I'm not happy with it at all.

It is a bad trend.  I have to stop it and stop it now.  But how????  If not eating causes a gain, what is a girl to do?  Don't tell me not to weigh every day.  That does NOT work for me.  I start cheating the minute I get off the scale thinking I don't have to weigh again for a week or whatever.  I have to have the accountability of a daily weigh in.

Now, I'm wondering if I've really screwed up my metabolism.  I just got a clean bill of health from my doctor.  I'm still on the vitamin D, which suppresses the appetite and is another reason I was able to forgo food most of the day yesterday, so I don't really think it is my metabolism.  What is it????

Today, I've been 100% on track with my meal replacement shakes and water.  I have my evening meal planned and I am expecting great things tomorrow.  We shall see.

Disappointed

I am disappointed in myself.  I posted a gain during the month of August.  I'm not happy at all with that.  I thought the meal replacements were just the thing.  Maybe they are.  I'm not giving up just yet.  Since August 12, I have lost exactly 2 pounds.  As I noted last time, I've been yo-yoing ever since.  I had a big birthday and indulged.

Thursday is 65MD's birthday and a week from Wednesday is our anniversary.  I will not use those events as an excuse to eat badly.  I have got to get with the program and stick to it for it to work.  That means, I've got to make some changes.  The changes besides sticking to the program include changes in the way I blog.

I've discovered that, when I'm not doing well, I avoid blogging.  When I do blog, I don't mention the bad parts.  It is in my nature not to focus on the bad parts of life, so it isn't a conscious decision to be deceitful.  Still, I've not painted a clear picture of my struggles in weight loss lately.

Beginning now, I have a new ticker.  It will measure my weight loss with the meal replacements.  I started it at 201.2 and has my current weight of 199.2 listed.  I put the goal weight on this as 165 since that is what my doctor recommended initially.  (I'm still wanting 145.)

I am leaving the 'old' ticker up since I want to see my progress from the beginning to my ultimate goal.  I think seeing the 50+ pound weight loss on it, makes me a little complacent.  I don't want to forget how far I've come, but I can't stop there.

I will update both tickers weekly.  I will blog about the whole picture.  It may get boring.  It may get ugly.   It may not make sense to anyone but me.  This is my blog, and I'll do what works for me.  Thanks for joining me and supporting me on this roller coaster ride!