I Succumbed

We all know not to go to the grocery store hungry.  Let me add another handy idea - don't go in the midst of a pity party either. I wound up buying some very high end Valentine's chocolates that were 75% off.  I've always been a sucker for the mark down.  Add to that chocolate candy that would have been out of my price range if it weren't on sale and the MOOD I was in yesterday and it came home with me.

I told myself I would put it away and save it for something special.  Chocolate freezes well.  I convinced myself that I would only eat one piece when I opened it.  I would share it with 65MD.  Whatever!  I knew I was lying to myself but that didn't stop me.

The box did make it to the refrigerator for a brief time.  And had I been in my right mind, I probably would have forgotten it.  (It was in the crisper drawer of the laundry room refrigerator where I would not have noticed it every time I opened the door.)  Of course, I was not in my right mind yesterday.  I could hear the candy whispering, calling my name, screaming for me.  So, I decided one piece would be OK.

The box was wrapped in lovely red paper and tied with a white bow.  It was hard to get into and I have plenty of chances to come to my senses but I didn't.  I took a piece and had a nibble.  I savored it slowly.  I took tiny nips from the center creamy part.  It was delectable.  This was not that mystery pink stuff in Russel Stover or Whitman's.  Nope.  This was some sort of light whipped, chocolate mousse.  Scrumptious.  Sigh.

I went back to work.  Only I could not concentrate.  I now knew just how good that candy was.  There was one that was white chocolate on the outside.  I needed to know what was inside.  So, I got it.  It was filled with some equally delectable center with hazelnuts.  Again, I savored it knowing that it was my last piece for the day.

I went back to work.  But then I thought of the dark chocolate one with what looked like salt on the top.  Maybe there was caramel in the middle.  I got it and I took the foil wrapped one too, so as to save myself another trip all the way to the kitchen again!  Besides that was the whole top layer gone.  It was a good stopping point.

The next time I went to the kitchen,  I brought the box with me.  I ate the rest - except for the coffee one.  I don't like coffee so it went straight in the trash.  Each time, I ate a piece, I did so slowly.  I enjoyed each bite.  This was not a binge where I piled it in without tasting it.  In all, I ate 9 pieces of candy during the course of the afternoon.

When the last piece was gone, I waited for the remorse.  I waited for the regret.  I waited for the headache, the stomach ache, the something.  It didn't come.  The only thing I felt was relief.  Finally, the relentless call for candy was gone; silenced.

I did experience some concern then.  I began to wonder if this is how an addict feels.  If this feeling is what causes so many relapses.  Had I been craving something healthy like broccoli or even blueberries like I did after surgery, I would have thought my body needed some nutrient in the food.  But as far as I know, there is nothing virtuous about a box of Valentine's candy.  Although, strictly speaking, I think it was the creamy chocolate I wanted.  I just wasn't getting it from those pitiful little chocolate covered peanuts I made the other day.

After the candy was gone.  I moved on with my day.  I didn't eat supper because I wasn't hungry.  (Imagine that!)  I also did not use my lapse as an excuse to eat everything else in the house.  It was weird.  I was strangely calm.  Church was cancelled because of the weather.  65MD and I watched TV and went to bed like a typical evening.

Of course, I paid the price on the scales this morning.  I was up another 1.4 lbs.  I did the math.  The whole box of candy, including the coffee piece I did not eat, had 1,080 calories.  (My typical calorie limit is 1000-1500.)  It was still no where near 4,900 which is the number of calories to get to 1.4 lbs.

I can't explain yesterday.  Maybe it was hormonal.  Maybe it was the weather.  Maybe it was a full moon.  Maybe it was all three.  Maybe it was none of the three.  I just don't know.  I'm not happy that I let myself freak out like that.  I am especially not happy that I have another 1.4 lbs to lose.  But, I'm still calm about it.

I'm back with the low carb plan (20-25 carbs per day) along with the calorie range I mentioned, mostly because I don't have a better idea right now.  I'm doing a lot of soul searching regarding where to go from here with my eating.  That is a post for another day.