When I first started this weigh loss journey, I had a hard time being around people when they were eating food I'd chosen not to. It was worse, when I really wanted the food and they offered. It was a struggle sometimes to smile and say "No, thank you" when all I really wanted to do was jerk the food out of their hands and cram it in. But I survived.
Now, I don't think much of it. Sure, I want to eat cake when my friends are having some. Some times I do. Most of the time I don't. Most of the time, I'm not even offered the taboo food. I'm not sure when this happened exactly, but I noticed it today.
Today was our monthly birthday cake day. The cake was in the kitchen at lunch today. As each person finished their meal they would get a slice of cake. No one took much notice of it, other than to comment on how good the cake was or something along those lines. That is, until the cake got pushed in front of me.
We were making room for another person to join us at the table. I'd finished my meal, but was enjoying the company for a few more minutes before returning to work. Since the area in front of me was largely empty the cake got pushed in my direction. Honestly, I thought nothing of it other than making room for this co-worker. Thoughts about how good it smelled or how much I wanted a piece never entered my mind. I'd had my meal and the cake was not a part of it. Somehow in my brain at that time, the cake could have been anything, napkins, a dirty bowl, or a glass of tea, but it wasn't mine, so it didn't matter. I wasn't going to eat anyone else's food. I had mine.
Then someone exclaimed that the cake should not be in front of me. She thought it was cruel to put the cake in front of me when I could not have any. I insisted that it didn't matter, but someone 'rescued' me from the cake by moving it away. It still didn't matter.
I began to think about how at the start of this, I felt pressure to eat and be like everyone else. I felt as though I stood out because I was behaving in a different way from everyone else. That added to the desire to eat and appear normal. Now, I'm on the opposite end of that spectrum. I have created a new expectation among my peers. They know I don't usually eat cake and want to help me. They want to make sure temptation stays as far away as possible. I really, really appreciate that.
It makes me wonder though. what if I'd wanted a piece of cake today?
I Need To
2 weeks ago