Fabulous Birthday

I had a wonderful weekend with family and friends celebrating me.  Who wouldn't love that???

I worked my plan at each gathering as I planned almost 100%.  I adapted a couple of times and I feel good about the choices I made.  Even though, I made a substitution here & there, I did not eat more than planned.  I even left part of a dessert that wasn't doing much for me.  I never thought I could do something like that.  Leaving a vegetable that isn't the best?  Sure!  No problem there.  But leaving a cookie?  I don't think so.  Somehow, someway, I managed not to eat all of it.  

To be totally honest, I ate more than I should have after I realized I really wasn't wild about it.  It was definitely a "don't be wasteful" attitude, not an "I can't stop" attitude.  I offered it to 65MD who didn't want it so I finally covered it with a napkin, so it wouldn't taunt me with my wastefulness.  Whatever works, right???

To be clear, I had three celebrations in three days, and I gained back all of the weight I'd struggled to lose, even though I was diligent about my choices.  I kept things very low carb with only one treat per party.  I happened to mention this weight gain to a nurse friend who insisted that was not possible.  She went so far as to say that my scales were broken.  I never considered that.  I think it is water and with a few days of closely following my meal replacement plan, I'll register a loss.

I'd rather not have gained the weight back, however, I am content with the choices I made.  It was a special birthday and I think I would have felt deprived if I had been too strict with myself.  Losing weight is a long term goal and life continues to happen.  I'm going to make the best decisions I can with the choices I have in front of me.  

BTW, I got a Leslie Sansone Walk from Home video.  I'll be adding that to my workout routine.  Thanks Staci for the suggestion.  I also got Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies.  Even though it was a gag gift, I'll gladly give it a whirl too.

Progress Report and Weekend Plans

I'm doing fairly well with the meal replacement drinks.  I have incorporated it in to my lifestyle much more easily than I had anticipated.  It is so much easier to shake up a drink a couple of times a day than it is to count everything for every single meal.  So far, I haven't gotten bored with the drinks.  I'll throw in a banana or some frozen blueberries for a change.  The other day, I put peanuts and ice in the blender with the powder and it was fabulous.

It has been the simplicity that I was craving so.  I am thankful for it and at this point see no reason not to continue for some time to come.  I have lost 2.2 lbs in 12 days.  While that sounds good and is right in line with my weight loss goal of slow and steady one pound per week, it isn't the whole story.  I lost that weight in five days.  For the last seven I have yo-yoed about half a pound.

I thought I was just experiencing the 'honeymoon' phase of a new program.  I tried not to get excited about it, knowing that it would slow down in time.  Little did I know how quickly the slow down would come and how I'd have to dig deep to be OK with vvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy slow loss.  I really think I'd be happier with a plateau than and up and down thing.  I don't know.  I might experience that and decide I like this better.  To be completely honest, I was hoping for a big drop initially.  It wasn't to be.  I've been on the weight loss wagon too long to have that happen.

Regardless, I am sticking with this plan for a while longer.  It will certainly help me navigate the minefields ahead.  This weekend is my birthday and the celebrations start tonight.  It is a biggie.  It is a two digit number and the last digit is a zero.  I'm not revealing my age, but I will share that I will be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, or 90 on Sunday.  LOL!!  (Don't guess in the comments either.  I'll be upset if any of the guesses are too high!)

I have a celebration tonight, tomorrow night and Sunday afternoon.  (Believe it or not, that still doesn't include everyone that wants to celebrate with me so we're planning another party for late September.  I am blessed to be so loved.)  I know the menus for each gathering and know what I will eat.  Another huge blessing is that my family is totally supportive of my weight loss efforts and won't try to foist anything on me I don't want.

I hope to be back in touch on Monday with an excellent report of how I kept to my eating plans this weekend and had a blast anyway.  The parties are not about the food.  They are about love, family and friendship.  Happy birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Sudden Thought

Since my previous post was about my change in mindset and how I hardly gave food a thought I'd share what happened yesterday to demonstrate how quickly things can change.  Yesterday afternoon 65MD and I found ourselves with too many obligations and too little time.  We decided to divide an conquer.

We parted ways, with an agreement to contact each other if we were going to be gone more than our anticipated time.  I had hardly cleared the driveway when the thought popped in to my head that I should stop at the store for some candy, Mounds to be exact.

The thought came totally out of the blue.  I wasn't hungry.  I hadn't seen an advertisement for that particular candy, nor was I near a store.  In fact, going to the store was on 65MD's list.

It was a bit unsettling to have that thought pop up for no apparent reason.  I tried not to panic over it.  I simply told myself that wasn't an option and continued on my way.  There was no epic struggle to stop or not.  I just didn't.

Here's the funny part.  I got home to find candy on the kitchen counter.  Luckily, it wasn't Mounds but York Peppermint Patties.  If there is one candy I do NOT like it is that particular brand of peppermint and chocolate.  The mint it too strong and the chocolate too mild.  

I had to laugh when I saw that.  It was definitely an impulse buy for the hubs.  He's not a candy sort of guy generally.  I asked if they were for a purpose and he said they weren't.  He just thought it would make a nice sweet treat every now & then.  He can do that.  He can leave that candy on the counter for weeks and only have some every now & then.  (I can to for that candy but  not most others!)

He offered to take it to his office so it wouldn't torture .me.  I said that wasn't necessary that it would not tempt me in the least.  It sits on the kitchen counter right now, unopened, right where he left it.

That is another NSV for me.  I'll celebrate it without getting egotistical about it.  I know I still have many battles ahead.  I won't win them all.  At least I got this one!

Home Alone

This week marks the beginning of a new academic year for 65MD.  That means he has stepped in to a whirlwind of activity, including faculty meetings, seminars, social engagements, syllabi and the like.  I will get glimpses of him during the next couple of weeks, but I will be largely on my own.  As an introvert, I'm OK with that.  

I have spent the last two days alone from the time he left in the morning until 8:30 or 9:00 pm, with the exception of dropping by to change clothes for the next event.  Again, I'm OK with it.  I do feel badly for him that he has such a full schedule right now, but for me I'm fine.

Last night, I realized how much my alone time has changed through the years.  I've always been content with solitude, but the way I've spent that time has changed a lot.  Before I began this journey of weight loss several years ago, I really looked forward to this time alone so that I could eat.  I would think for days about what I would prepare or what I would get at the store to eat while I was alone.  I don't know why I behaved like that, but somehow being alone was free reign to eat like a pig.  I would actually be disappointed that I couldn't really binge like some people could.  Otherwise, I was 'happy' as could be with my feeding frenzy.

After I started actually losing weight and this time of year arose, I'd panic.  I knew that I could not/should not eat like I had been.  I'd seek out things to do to keep myself occupied so that I wouldn't slip back in to the old habit.  Sometimes, I'd fast.  That way there would be no option to pig out.  That was a hard place to be.  It was where I was on the journey, and the right thing to do as far as breaking old habits.  It was still hard, and maybe even a little over the top with the fasting.

Now, it has changed once again.  Now, I hardly gave what I was going to eat or not eat a thought.  There were certainly no plans to go stockpile food to eat when no one was looking.  There wasn't the need to go to the other extreme either.  Partly due to the meal replacement plan I'm on now, but even more so, I think there has been a change of mindset.  I had stuff to do, as is always the case when working from home.  I just did it and ate when it was time to eat.  It wasn't hard.

I know that there is still a long road ahead of me and a lot left to learn.  But, I am stopping now to celebrate this victory.  Small changes over time grow in to big changes.  It isn't always easy, in fact, most of the time it is hard.  It is worth it to wake up one day and see positive changes.  I'm sure that if I keep trying, I'll find the right plan for me and the weight will dribble off.  I'm not setting any specific goal other to weigh less from one week to the next.  I can do that.

What I'm Doing Now

I started journaling as I said I would in my last post.  I decided to eat as I typically would and not censor myself since I was writing it down.  Otherwise, it would be useless to use the time and energy.  Of course, in typical fashion, I decided not to only record what I ate, but also the time and how I was feeling - hungry, anxious, angry, etc.  That would be a useful tool.  But since I am rebelling against weighing and measuring my food, it wouldn't be as useful as it could be.  I also jotted down what I was doing when I decided to eat.

I created a monster that I could not sustain.  Not even for the weekend.  The fact that it was so cumbersome would have kept me from doing it long term, but I think I would have continued more than a few days if my weight had not shot up like a rocket to Mars!  Something had to change and something had to change fast.  

Yesterday, I started a meal replacement plan.  Yes, one that I said was not sustainable.  I still contend that it is not.  It is not something I can do for the rest of my life.  It is, however,something I can do now.  

A friend gave me this protein powder to mix with water some time ago.  I put it away and forgot about it.  I ran across it over the weekend and thought I'd toss it.  Then I saw that the container was almost full and it seemed too wasteful.  

65MD and I talked about it.  We agreed that I will do the protein drinks until I run out.  I think it will be at least three weeks, maybe a month.  He is back in school now and generally the only meal we share together is the evening meal, so this won't interfere with his lifestyle as much as other 'programs' have.

I'm hoping by the time I've finished what I have on hand, I'll have a clearer idea of how to proceed.  It could be that I get more protein powder and continue this plan.  I'm keeping all of my options open at this time.  The scales finally registered a loss this morning, so I'm content for now.

I Need Help

This moderation thing isn't working.  Maybe a more accurate statement is I'm not working the moderation.  Deep inside of me I know that this is the right way to go.  I know that it is not healthy to eat no carbs for long periods of time. Eating meal replacements is not a sustainable life style for me.  

I eat clean.  I eat vegetables from my little backyard garden.  I supplement that with purchases from farmers market.  I eat very little produce that is from an unknown source.  

The beef I eat is local, grass-fed organic beef.  I haven't found a good source for chicken yet, so maybe that is my problem.  We also have some fish and pork.  I've never worried so much about the protein since in most eating plans it is allowed.  I don't fry anything.  We grill, roast and broil almost exclusively, and mostly grill.

Bread, anything sweet, and white potatoes are rare indulgences.  We eat out once a week or less.

I drink enough water to drown a fish.

I admit to a few more indulgences while my family was in town.  They're gone now, so it is time to get focused again.   While they were here, my weight yo-yoed with the treats.  That seemed reasonable.   Have a treat one day and see a small uptick.  No treats the next and the scales would go back down.

As of Monday afternoon, life was back to 65MD and me.  We agreed that the indulgences were over and we were back with the moderation plan.  For us that means low carb, with the carbs coming from fresh fruit.  I fully expected to see the scales begin to tick down again.  I thought it would take a while to get back to the pre-visit weight, but I thought I'd see progress.  The last thing I expected to see was a gain.  I'm not talking about a little uptick either.  I'm talking 3 pounds.  It isn't right.

Something is wrong.  People don't eat the way I believe I do and gain weight.  Some where some how, I am lying to myself.  I have a big blind spot some place where I am messing up.  As much as I hate to start counting and measuring again, I am going to have to keep a food journal.

I am going to keep a little notebook with me at all times.  I am going to write down every bit of food I put in my mouth  until I figure out what the problem is.  This is not giving myself free reign to eat whatever I want whenever I want.  This is a tool to open my eyes to a problem, a big problem.  Once I have an idea of the problem, I'll fix it.  

I can't live like this anymore.  This is harder than any program I've ever done.  I hate this limbo.  I hate thinking I am doing the right thing only to get slapped down.  It isn't just the scales being wonky.  My clothes aren't fitting well.  I don't feel spunky.  I need help!

Side Effects

I got a letter from my doctor over the weekend confirming my excellent health except for one quite surprising thing.  I am severely deficient in vitamin D.  So far as I can recall this is the first time that has been measured.  I feel like I am outside much more now that I work from home than I was when I was confined to an office all day.  I looked up the symptoms on WebMD and had none unless the mental cognition part counts!  LOL!! Makes no sense, but it is true nonetheless.

The treatment is mega doses of vitamin D.  My doctor had already sent a prescription to my pharmacy for it.  I started Sunday.  I take one every week for 10 weeks, then I get my blood checked again.  I asked the pharmacist about sun exposure and she said not to worry about it.  I lamented that I needed a beach trip, to which she readily agreed.  

Of course, I read through the literature that came with it to make sure I took it properly as in with food or without, and the like.  There was nothing like that other than a warning to stay away from magnesium.  I've got that one covered!!

Then I read the list of side effects.  One of them was decreased appetite.  I immediately began wondering just how much weight I could lose during this 10 weeks.  Perhaps, I would actually make my pound a week goal.  Or maybe with a little more effort two pounds per week.  After all, opportunities like this don't come along every day.

I kept reading and saw that irritability was another side effect.  Of course, I pointed this one out to 65MD right away and began building my case for free reign for the next 10 weeks.  We had a good laugh and now I am back to reality.  So far, I've not noticed anything different.  If my appetite does decrease, I'll be very thankful and use it to my advantage.  If not, which I believe is the greater chance, I'll keep practicing moderation and enjoying life only now with stronger bones.

Doctor Visit & Monthly Stats

I had an excellent visit with my doctor yesterday.  He pronounced me healthy and said he didn't need to see me again for a year.  He is actually trusting me to lose weight without checking up on me regularly.  That felt great to me.  We had a nice discussion about weight loss and the issues surrounding it.  We agreed that I know what to do.  All I need to do is actually do it.

He very much discouraged the 10 minute trainer by Tony Horton.  He really subscribes to the moderate way of thinking in both diet and exercise.  He encouraged daily walks of 30 minutes or more.  He went on to say I didn't have to do all 30 minutes at once.  This is quite doable for me. 

It is almost too easy.  Almost to the point where I feel like I can just do it any time.  I know better though.  I know that as simple as it sounds, I must make deliberate decisions about what to eat, how much to eat and how much to exercise.  

The hard part will be adjusting my expectations.  The moderate approach, I believe is the best for me at this time.  But the results are slow.  I need to keep that in mind as I make my choices.  If I can do this anytime because it is so simple.  I need to do it now.  Putting it off will only make it more difficult.

Slowly, slowly meal upon meal, day upon day, I will make the healthy choice.  Slowly, slowly week to week and month to month, I will see the results.

Now for the July stats.  My weight and measurements remained flat month over month.  I'm trying to make this a good thing since I really let go of any formal eating plan during the month.  I'm having a hard time with that concept because I did gain weight during the month.  I want to beat myself up for that.  I tell myself that I've wasted time and if I'd not spent all of this time relosing the weight, I'd be happily posting a loss rather than trying to put lipstick on a pig!

  I have a year before seeing my doctor again.  That is 52 weeks.  That is less than a pound a week.  It is the slow progress that wins.  The tortoise and the hare.  I'm learning to be the tortoise.  I will get to the finish line.  I can do this.