Riding the Roller Coaster

I stopped the hcg when I learned that I was going to have hip surgery.  I thought at the time it would just be a week or two until surgery.  If I had known that surgery was going to be 7 weeks away I would have stayed on it.  Of course, I didn't know that then and made the best decision with the information I had at the time.  I decided to stay off of it until after surgery and rehab because of the rigid nature of the hcg diet.  I knew I'd have to stop this week no matter what because of various social obligations with the start of a new semester, my birthday, 65MD's birthday and our anniversary.  It is easier to blend in social situations with a low carb diet than the hcg.  

I knew when I stopped that my weight would drift up no matter what.  I think the hcg must be a little dehydrating or something because there is always a bit of a bounce.  I stopped the hcg weighing 201.8.  I hung out there a couple of days much to my surprise.  I actually thought I might defy the odds this time and actually no experience the bounce.  Alas, I was wrong!!  My weight crept up to 205.2 over the weekend.  

While I didn't like this one bit, I didn't feel bigger.  My clothes didn't feel tighter.  In fact, I felt smaller and the dress I chose to wear on Sunday felt way too big.  So, I measured my waist.  It was down a full inch since stopping the shots!  Two people in recent days have commented on my weight loss.  (Both knew I was trying, but they wouldn't just say it if they didn't mean it.)

I know the scales are not an accurate measure of the changes going on inside.  At the same time, I know I'm not replacing fat with muscle because my hip keeps me from doing much meaningful exercise at all!  While I want to be under 200 lbs before surgery (and it is totally doable!), I'll take my clothes being looser and my friends complimenting my new smaller figure.  The scales will catch up.

Current Plan

Now that I've had a little time to live with the surgery date and think of good reasons to wait, like more time to prepare rather than the only bad one - I hurt.  I can do things about the pain and I've lived with it for this long what is 49 more days.  Yes, I counted!  Waiting for surgery will get us past both our birthdays, our anniversary and a fall trip.  I won't be as mobile as I'd prefer but I know that relief is coming and I can manage.

So the question at hand for me, is what to do in the meantime.  Do I go back on hcg, or try another plan to lose weight?  I still need to lose.  The more weight I get off this hip the better I will be now, and after the surgery.  

The hcg will knock the weight right off which is why I went back to it this summer.  It also requires a lot of mental toughness.  I have to do a lot of positive self talk prior to starting.  I have to do a lot of planning and forecasting regarding social events.  There is no way to eat socially and stay on plan.  It is just too restrictive.  I can manage when I see the scales move.

I only have so much of that mental toughness.  I feel like I am expending it getting ready for surgery and managing the pain between now & then.  The last two weeks on hcg, I felt myself crumbling under the pressure.  All of which, is leading me to stay on low carb until after the surgery.

On the other hand, if I don't do the hcg now, I may not be able to until the first of the year.  I'm not sure.  Recovery will take 3 or 4 weeks, so most of the month of October. I might be able to squeeze in three weeks between recovery and Thanksgiving.  It is not possible to know right now.  I don't want to delay any longer than I have to.

Of course, I can lose weight, just not as quickly on low carb.  It is just a lot easier mentally.  There are more options and I don't feel so confined and deprived.  Right now, I am leaning hard towards low carb at least through the surgery date.  Although, I reserve the right to change my mind!

I am so very close to ONEderland once again.  I weigh 201.8.  Two measly little pounds and I'll be there. I should be there and then some by the time the surgery date gets here.

Hard Weekend

I had a hard weekend folks.  Since I promised myself that this blog would be true to the realities of weight loss, I'm sharing.

First, I stopped the hcg shots.  That is always hard.  The hardest part is staying on plan for 48 hours after the last shot.  Hunger begins to return along with all sorts of "very good" reasons to eat before the 48 hours is up.  The closer it gets to 48 hours the harder it is.  I managed to stay strong and not indulge.

Second this whole surgery thing has thrown me for a loop.  Suddenly, I'm helpless.  Not really, but I started thinking that maybe I shouldn't sweep the floor or do various other household tasks that I do all the time.  It is weird.  

Plus, I'm not good living in limbo.  I spent the whole weekend second guessing if I should plan this or that.  What if I plan something and that is surgery time?  What if surgery is this date and rehab takes longer than three weeks/

I spent the whole weekend battling with myself.  Should I do this or that?  Should I eat this or not?  It was torture.  As I said, I stayed strong and did not eat off of plan, that was the bright spot of the weekend.

Today, I have the surgery date - September 30.  Much too long to wait I think, but nothing I can do about it.  Sigh!  I'll, once again, have to stay strong until then.  Now, I need to decide if I should start back on the hcg between now & then.  

Hip News

Hip as in my joint not as cool news, LOL!!

65MD and I saw the surgeon today.  He agreed that total replacement is the right option for my situation.  In addition to the arthritis I have spurs and cysts which add to the pain.  I felt strangely vindicated when I heard that news.  Like the pain was validated some how.  I'd begun to worry if I had a true concept of pain any more.  I do!!

Right now, we are once again waiting.  Waiting for insurance approval and then for the scheduler to call with the next available surgery date.  All I know now is that the doctor does surgery on Tuesdays.  I doubt I'd be so lucky to have surgery on August 12, but stranger things have happened.

The sooner the better for a couple of reasons.  First, I'm ready for this phase of my life to be over.  I ready to be pain free, obviously.  Second, 65MD is a university professor and classes are starting soon.  If the surgery can happen next week, he won't have to dismiss class or make other arrangements.  I don't want him to start the semester that way, even though he is largely unconcerned about it.  Finally, we have a trip scheduled for the last week of September.  Not going won't be the end of the world, but I'd like to go.  I can relax better away from home.  I don't feel like I need to be doing something.  I can nap without guilt.  Stuff like that.

As far as weight loss goes, I'm stopping the shots as of today.  It takes 48 hours for the hcg to get out of the system and the extreme diet must be followed during that time.  I don't want to stop the shots too late and have to worry about plan approved foods and such for that 48 hours.  So, I'm going back to low carb between now and the surgery.  Stopping the shots is my biggest disappointment because I am so close to ONEderland.   But, the hcg will be there when I am ready to resume, whenever that is.

My goals on the weight loss front are:

*Get to 199.8 before surgery, which is attainable even if surgery is August 12

*Stay at 199.8 or lower until rehab is over. 

Once I am back to full strength look out world.  I'll be ready to slide right down to my goal weight and put this phase of my life behind me too!

My Hip History

But first, thanks for the affirmations regarding my new goal weight.  I feel good about the decision and the positive comments reinforced that.  Now, on to my hips!

I have had issues with my right hip for longer than I can remember.  That is the reason I am writing this post.  I want to capture as much of the information as I can recall in one place.  

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with arthritis in my right hip and prescribed naproxen (OTC Aleve).  It did the trick dealing with the pain and I moved on.  I took the medication only as needed and really didn't think about it too much.  

In October 2012, I decided to give P90X a whirl.  I thought I had my eating under control and needed to kick my workout program up a notch.  I wound up kicking my hip joint right out of place.  I was in incredible pain particularly when moving from a sitting to a standing position.  I finally went to the doctor in November.  He sent me to an orthopaedist who noticed that the ball of my femur was flat on top, thus allowing it to slip out of the socket.  My leg was put back in place and I went to therapy for several weeks.  It got better.  I don't think it ever got good.  It is hard for me to remember a time since then that I haven't had some level of pain in my right hip.

Early this year as I was anticipating travel and weddings to come, the arthritis flared again.  I tried to cope with it since I had too much fun on the agenda to go to the doctor.  That wasn't a good plan, and I wound up causing the bursa in my hip joints to flare creating double pain.  I went to the doctor.  He sent me to a rheumatologist for the bursitis.

That doctor believed my problem stemmed from the arthritis and gave me a shot.  It helped.  But only for a time.  During the last couple of months, it has gotten progressively worse.  Again, I had too much fun on my agenda to go to the doctor until today.

This time, I have a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon, for hip replacement consultation.  I'm ready.  I want the replacement to happen ASAP.  I have birthdays, anniversary and travel on the horizon.  I want to enjoy all of those events without pain in my hip.

I'll post again tomorrow after the appointment to share the treatment plan.

On the weight loss front, the scales are being kind.  I'm past the half way point.  I have fewer pounds to lose than I have already lost!!  That is good.  I'm sure once the surgery happens, the weight loss will continue as I will be able to move more freely.  

The Party's Over

My out of town sister and her children stayed in town until Saturday.  The bride and groom returned from their honeymoon on Friday, so we had one last party on Saturday before my sister and her family left.  The bride and groom leave early in the morning for their new home, and I'm planning a quick visit with them this afternoon.  Tomorrow, it is back to business as usual for me.  I love my family so much, it makes me a little sad.  At the same time, I need to do a few things like laundry and blogging.

For the record, for the month of July I lost 2 pounds.  Mostly, I did a very relaxed low carb way of eating.  I am glad for the loss.  Now that I am back on the hcg, I'll have another big drop down the scale.  I am very close to my "Goal Weight" of 199.8.  And, after a lot of soul searching, I have decided that my ultimate goal weight is 165.

There are several reasons for this:

*One, it is the weight my doctor set for me years ago.  That should be enough reason to accept it.  Sadly, I didn't. 

*Two, it is attainable.  I have actually gotten below 165 on this journey.  My lowest weight was 162.8!

*Three, I think is it maintainable, which is the biggest thing as far as I am concerned.

I think the perfectionism I battle so much is what made me hang on to the dream of 145.  As a result, I wasted a lot of time and energy, not to mention money on various plans, books etc trying to prove that I knew better than my doctor!

Maintenance is a bit of a scary thing for me still.  Mostly because it has never happened for me.  I seem to be either gaining or losing, not staying still.   I understand that my weight will fluctuate and don't expect to weigh anything, not even 165, exactly all of the time.  All along I have said that my goal maintenance would be 143 to 147.  Now, that will be 163 to 167.  That seems reasonable to me.

When I declare myself finally at goal weight, I will wait until I am at the 163 mark, or maybe even down to 160.  My history indicates that the moment, I stop actively trying to lose weight, I'll pop back up 2 or 3 pounds.  So, I want to give myself a bit of a cushion in the beginning for my own mental health.  

I feel good about my decision.  I am a human woman.  I'll always have bumps and lumps that I don't like no matter what the scale says. (Although, I reserve the right to have some excess skin removed!)  I need to accept that.  I've accomplished a lot in losing 50 pounds from my highest weight.  I am celebrating that victory as I work towards my next goal weight.