I Am at My Goal Weight!

I have been waiting to use that title for a post for 5 years.  Finally, I am, but for a different reason that I anticipated all those years ago.  I thought, at that time, I would use this title when I weighed 145 lbs.  I don't.  Not today.

My long time readers may recall that I have struggled since the beginning with goal setting.  If it is too easy, I'm not challenged and quit.  If it is too hard it seems impossible and I quit.  For a while I went without stated goals but that was not effective either.

This time, when I started yet again.  I was and still am unsure what my ultimate goal weight will be.  I'm leaving it vague on purpose because the cause of my regain is largely based on the feeling of failure from not reaching that specific number as quickly as I thought I should.

As I contemplated what I needed to change this time to make myself successful over the long term, I considered giving myself little rewards along the way.  Things that would be easy and inexpensive but still special, like a manicure or pedicure.  Maybe even both, at a big milestone.  I never did sit down with pen in hand to list out the rewards or the milestones to match.  I felt like getting the weight off was an emergency as I noted in an earlier post.

Still I had a notion of some milestone weights:

*212.8 below my lowest weight this year 

*199.8 because it is under 200

*175.0 because the 170's are where I no longer feel fat and my clothes feel more comfortable

*165.0 my doctor's goal weight for me

I need another one between 199.8 an 175.  That is a lot of weight to lose without getting discouraged.  But I'm not going to fret over it. I haven't decided if I'll push for 145 or stay at 165.  I have time to make both of those decisions.

Since I never really assigned a reward like get a pedicure at 212.8 and get a manicure at 199.8, etc.  I decided to make each one a "Goal Weight."  It is a mind game for sure.  Although the scales read 212.8 and I am celebrating reaching my 'goal weight' there is another one right around the corner.  I think that the feeling of accomplishment, the idea that I have indeed met a goal will keep me motivated as much as the hip pain did when I started.  We'll see. 

For now, I have a little celebration to attend to. 

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!!!

My weight was actually down 1.2 lbs this morning!!  Clearly, I am pleased to see a lower number on the scale after yesterday's issues.  I am so glad that I did not let the off plan eating throw me entirely off course for the rest of the day.  That has happened in the past too many times to count.

I think now the difference is, I have a true motivation again.  I know the more pounds I shed the better my hips will feel.  Last night, when the horrible little lying voice would tell me to eat this or that because I'd already blown it.  I could respond with the truth that eating that would only make my hips worse.  

My choices were a lot easier when I made it a choice between being in pain or not! I hope I continue to make good choices.  I know how easy it is to slip back in to old habits.  I am celebrating the victory but not saying I have won the war.  Not by any means.

Thanks for the encouraging comments.  We all know how much easier this journey is when we know we are not alone.

A Father's Day Celebration

For the second year in a row, 65MD and I have been invited to share Father's Day with his son and his son's wife and her family.  It has worked well for us.  We enjoy the time spent together.  And since 65MD and I have both lost our father's it is a good distraction.

When we received the invitation this year, we got the name of the restaurant and found the menu online.  Together we decided what to order that would work for each of our eating plans.  Sadly, the hcg is quite restrictive and eating out is a very difficult thing.  I knew walking in that I was going to order a plain house salad, thinking that it would be largely iceberg lettuce and that I would have some protein when I got home.  

We all met at the restaurant and were seated quickly.  I was impressed by that.  Often, large parties have to wait.  We were seated near a very nice Sunday brunch buffet.  I was secretly glad that I already knew that I was going to order the salad and would not be tempted by all the carbs one that buffet, because they looked good.

Our server quickly came and took our drink orders and said to help ourselves to the buffet while she got our drinks.  I looked at 65MD in shock.  He was equally stunned.  We surmised that serving only the buffet on Father's Day kept the crowd moving through quickly.  We agreed to make the best of the buffet given our circumstances.  (Had we been with our family rather than the DIL's I would have asked for a small salad.)  

I approached the first table with much trepidation.  I was hoping for some traditional salad bar type items to make my own salad.  I could still get a plate full of iceberg lettuce and nibble politely during the conversation.  (I admit thinking about the price of the buffet and a plate of iceberg lettuce did not make me happy.)  There was none.  

After passing through the entire line I wound up with three strawberries, which I think might have been decoration!!!  Not wishing to look like a picky 3 year old, I wandered over to the omelet station, thinking maybe I could ask for some of those vegetables to eat.  Next to the omelets was a carving station.  They had prime rib.  I got a small slice.  (hcg allows for lean beef, and this was the best I could do.)  

I went back to the table and showed 65MD my plate, a little embarrassed.  Everyone else there had plates piled high with cinnamon rolls, biscuits, waffles, sausages and on and on.  65MD found some pork tenderloins and vegetables in a cream sauce.  Good choices among the bad, but not for me.  

He asked why I hadn't gotten any salad, and I said because there was none.  He pointed to the first of the line again and there was a bowl of Caesar salad.  Apparently, it had just been placed or replaced as it was not there my first time through.  I got a small serving, even though I wasn't sure about it and the hcg.  I knew it was low carb and that is important.

So, I had three strawberries, about 1/2 cup of salad and a couple of ounces of prime rib.  It was all good.   Quite good.  And better yet, no one commented on my lack of food.  I went back for more prime rib because it was quite well done, but had nothing more.  

I know I did the very best I could and should be glad but I am concerned.  Hcg does not allow for eating off plan of any sort, no matter how good the reason.  I am concerned that when I weigh, I will have had a bounce up and I know it will make me mad.  I think that some how I should get special treatment because I really did the best I could do with the choices I had.

I am going to have to remember that even if the scale is unkind in the morning and does not agree.

I'll drop by in the morning with a report.  Even if it is only a number.

 

The Merry, Merry Month of May

Yes, I know that it is almost halfway through June, but I wanted to catch up.  65MD and I spent most of the month of May traveling.  We took a long anticipated trip to Niagara Falls then on to Quebec City where we hopped aboard a ship and sailed up the St. Lawrence seaway and around to Boston.  It was fabulous.  Even with a few hiccups that I'll share later, we had a trip of  lifetime.

I was home hardly a week and left again for Boston.  This time to see my nephew graduate from Harvard.  It took two days and four ceremonies.  It was one of the most impressive graduations ever.  Harvard has a reputation for excellence and now I know why.  Everything, and I mean everything was done to perfection.  It, again, was a glorious experience.  Plus,  I could not be prouder of my nephew.  He's here now with his fiancee and we are full on in wedding plans.  Life is good.

This blog, I know, is not for me to brag about my family and how good life is.  It is about my journey to lose weight.  That is for sure a mixed bag of good and not so good.

First the good - 

*I only gained 1.8 lbs while on the Canada trip, which was 12 days!!

*I only gained 0.8 lbs while in Boston.

*I have lost 8.4 lbs since coming home.

Now the not so good - 

*I have arthritis in my right hip.  My weight has gotten to a point that it can be incredibly painful.  Favoring my right hip causes the bursa in my left hip to flare which is also incredibly painful.  I have medication to ease the pain, but the only thing that will truly help the situation is weight loss.  

*I know that as wonderful as the trips were, I was held back by being unable to move freely.  My husband and nephew were both as accommodating as they could be of me, which sort of made it worse.  I hate for my bad choices to negatively impact those around me.

*Add to that, a lost crown, major blister on my foot probably due to the odd gait I have now, and a gusher of a nosebleed in the airport on the way to Quebec, I joked that 65MD was going to put me in a box and send me back home.

Now that I am back home and have more control over my food choices, I have started back on the hcg.  I feel like losing weight is an emergency.  I need to drop a lot of weight fast or I'll be in a wheelchair by this fall. (Not to mention that I want to look good in those wedding pictures!)  My plan now is to cycle through one phase of the injections (4 weeks on, 4 weeks off, 4 weeks on again) and see where I end up.  From there, I might do one more cycle or get back in to fuel cycling a la Trim Healthy Mama.  I have time to think about it and decide.

I'm just finishing week two of the first 4 weeks on.  I feel good about the loss so far.  I can already tell a difference in my hip.  I'll try to keep this blog a little more updated as I go forward.  Here's hoping that I can keep moving those tickers across the screen.

Thanks for waiting on me, my faithful friends!

Three Pounds Down :) or :(

Between April 1 and May 1 my net weight loss was 3 pounds.  I say 'net' because it was not a straight line down.  There were blips up and down but on May 1, my weight was the lowest it had been all month. So, at least, the net effect was down.

Initially, when I saw that, I was disappointed.  Three pounds is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the total I want to lose.  Three pounds does not even get me down to my January weight when the family challenge started.  

As much as I tried to stop the negative self talk with thoughts as to how three pounds lost was better than three pounds gained, I was discouraged.  Then I did the math, how long would it take me to get to goal weight if I lost only three pounds each month.  It wasn't hard.  My goal weight is about 75 pounds from where I am now meaing 25 months.  

Again, discouraging , until I realized I've been fighting this battle hard for 5 years.  What's two more?  The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of slowly, steadily losing 3 pounds per month over the next two years.  There would be no more radical, quick weight loss schemes.  No more upset to my lifestyle (and more so 65MD who has been more than gracious.)  No more bizarre recipes/grocery items.  No more insane workouts sending me to the doctor.  (It happened!) I could easily live with cutting portions down and trimming the treats to actual special occasions. I could move more and sit less without keeping score all the time.

April was a strange month for me, with travel and some minor health issues, requiring several doctor visits.  I just could not focus on counting anything - carbs, calories, fat.  I couldn't even keep the carbs & fat separate as THM suggests.  My meals were sort of old school.  Breakfast was most often a fruit, lunch was a sandwich or salad and supper was 'meat, green and starch' as my grandmother used to say.  She never had a weight problem.

Now, I am pretty darn proud of losing three pounds during April.  Three pounds lost is definitely :). My goal for May - three more pounds gone. I can do that.

I Eat What I Want, When I Want, in Amounts that I Want

The title of this post is a direct quote from a friend.  She is of a healthy weight, maybe even on the slim side.  She said this in the midst of a group conversation several years ago around the holiday time.  Some people were lamenting the inevitable weight gain along with the holidays when she piped up with that!

She is a dear friend, but I must confess right now, that I was insanely jealous when she uttered those words.  Eating what I wanted, when I wanted AND in amounts that I wanted seemed like an impossible dream at that time.  Maybe in heaven, I could do that, but not in this life.  Then, I thought I would enjoy eating ice cream, pizza, brownies, potatoes and on and on without any reprisal from my body.  What was so special about her?  What was wrong with me? Why could she eat anything she wanted and not pay for it the way I did?

Now, years later, I think I understand a little better.  She wanted different things to eat.  She didn't (I'm guessing) like the feeling of being overfull.  She understood her body's signals for hunger. Food and eating were as natural for her as breathing.

Lately, I've begun to understand her comment.  I am beginning to not really want copious amounts of heavy foods now.  Sure, I like a good slice of pizza now and then, but I don't want half a pizza any more.  I don't like the heavy feeling.  I am beginning to recognize the signs of satiety.  AND, the fact that too much food leads to too tight clothes, sore joints, etc.

This is a journey.  I'm still learning.  I'm not there yet.  I'm not to the point that I can honestly say that I eat what I want, when I want, in amounts that I want.  I think I'm closer to that goal now that I was when I heard those words.  That is a good thing.  I am clinging to that right now.

I am clinging to the fact that progress is being made no matter how small, no matter how infinitesimal the measure.  I'm in a hard place right now.  I think the right thing to do is to truly learn and obey my body.  But that is hard.  It would be easier in some respects to go back to the hcg and watch the pounds slide off.  Instead, I inch forward slowly and I quickly fall back miles.  I try to learn the lesson of the relapse and inch forward again.  

It is no fun, but it is the right thing.  Once those new habits are second nature, this will last a lifetime.  There will be no more good food/bad food.  No more guilt with eating.  Just peace with eating what I want, when I want, in amounts that I want. 

A Statistical Update

I have several fabulous and enlightening blog post rolling around in my head but alas the whirlwind called life has kept me from developing them fully.  Hopefully, I will be able to share my 'wisdom' before too much longer.  In the meantime, I feel compelled to share my results.  

I started Trim Healthy Mama on February 17, weighing 221.6.  Today I weigh, 221.6.  Alas!  My weight has not stayed exactly the same in 6 weeks.  It has gone up and down.  And I think if I stick with it, eventually my weight will go down.  I am still doing what I call THM-lite.  I try to keep my carbs and fats apart.  If I eat fat, then keep carbs low, if I eat carbs then keep fat low.  It is much more workable for me right now.  It is still my plan to try some of the recipes as time goes along.  I'll report back on how we liked them or not.

The reason I am not so frustrated is that I've lost a couple of inches through my belly & hips.  I noticed right away that my clothes were fitting differently.  They are a long way from too big or even loose.  They just aren't quite so snug.  I pulled out a top the other day thinking that the last time I had it on, it was just too tight.  I put it on anyway.  It was still tighter than I like my clothes, but I didn't feel like a stuffed sausage all day.  I have noticed that in too many of my clothes to think that my memory is faulty.  I'm looking forward to getting my warm weather clothes out and seeing how they fit.  I'm hoping to feel little differences there too.

I am really working hard to adjust my expectations.  I want slow steady progress, not dramatic slides down the scale that are impossible to maintain.  I think this plan is the right one for me.  Time will tell.