Feelings

Feelings, perceptions, ideas and the like can seem real.  They cause us to behave and think in certain ways based on those beliefs, even if those thoughts are untrue.  Lately, I've been feeling fat.  I've been feeling gross and just blah. 

Here I am back in the 170's once again, and I'm just weary of it.  I think that maybe I have some sort of subconscious reality that I'll never get out of the 170's to stay much less the 140's because this is where I spent most of my 30's.

But even though I feel gross and fat.  I am not gross and fat.  We moved a mirror to a different place in the bedroom yesterday, so I'm not used to it yet.  This morning, after carefully donning stretchy, forgiving clothes to cover my perceived fatness, I caught a glimpse of myself in that mirror.  I was shocked to see that the person looking back was not at all fat, in fact, she was quite trim and looked nice.  I walked to the mirror and looked more closely to make sure that was me!!!

That experience got me to thinking about how many times I operated under false pretenses because of my own misconceptions.  At the beginning of the summer last year I was in the mid 180's weight-wise.  I felt great.  I felt slim and pretty.  I was happy to pose for the camera on vacation.  I did look nice, and relatively speaking was far thinner than I had been.  I want to get back to her.  I'm 10 pounds lighter now than I was then, but I'm searching in my closet for the fat camouflaging clothes.  I want to hide away and not let anyone see my disgusting body.

Part of the reason, I'm sure, is that I was all the way down to 163 at the end of June.  I seemed to be on the right track.  I got derailed over the 4th of July.  Here's the worst part, I don't know why!  I didn't go to a party and indulge.  I spent the month of July trying to get back under control and then the season of challenges hit.  I have got to break out of this mindset and break out soon.

I think tomorrow I will fast.  There is something about not eating, and drinking a lot of water that is cleansing to me.  I have five days ahead with no challenges.  I can make those good days.  I only have to live one day at a time, so I'll not worry about the weekend until it gets here.  I'll have a plan for it then.  I'll be in a better place mentally, I'm sure.

Saturday Scale Says

This morning the scale read 176.8.  Not good, not good at all.  That is up 1.6 from last week, and 4.6 from the weight I decided would be a goal for this long stretch of challenges.  I've got to do better this coming week.

For the week ahead, the challenges are not until the weekend.  I have a high school reunion next weekend, and 65MD's birthday is Labor Day.  I want more than anything to really hit it hard and be focused between now and then.  I have 7 days in which to do that.  But, I feel myself slipping.

My mental energy is waning.  Thoughts about the futility of even trying are creeping in.  This is the weight where I spent most of my early 30's.  This is the battleground on which I fought and lost all those years.  I've got to keep my head in this because if I can keep my thoughts right, everything else will follow.  It is getting harder.

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thin, thin thread.  Even though I feel like I'm gripping that thread with both hands, and doing whatever I can to hang in there I fear something will come along and snap the thread.  I am so afraid of what will happen if that thread breaks.  I have the mental image of a balloon full of air that has been let  go and shoots all over the room as the air rushes out.  Only in this image, it is my weight shooting up uncontrollably.  I don't like this feeling.  I don't like the lack of control that is seeping in around the edges of my thoughts.

I'm holding on as best I can, but I'll need all the help I can get.  Thanks in advance for sustaining me through this.

Birthday Eating

Since yesterday was my birthday, my coworkers generously offered to take me to lunch. I tried to dissuade them but it didn't work. So, I asked to go to a particular place because they serve a salad I like. But, when we got in the car to go, a new place was suggested. It was a totally new restaurant and I was up for an adventure so I agreed. I got a grilled ham & cheese sandwich on sourdough bread with a side salad. I thought, cheese & ham=protein=good (except for the processed meat part!) Sourdough bread is a better choice from the glycemic index perspective. Of course all the *good* was cancelled out by the fact that the whole sandwich was grilled. I don't want to know how many fat grams were in that! The salad was nice and light, with just a hint of balsamic vinaigrette. I left the meal feeling satisfied but not stuffed. Really, had my eating day ended with something light, it would have been just fine.

Instead, I went out for BBQ with 65MD. There is one thing this chick can eat at just about any time and that is meat. Give me a hunk of meat that has been smoked and get out of my way. I told 65MD on the way there, that I really didn't want anything except the BBQ. I didn't want fries, baked beans, corn, mac & cheese, or anything else. So, we agreed to split one of the double entrees. There was easily enough food for four or five people rather than two. I ate all the meat I wanted and a few fries while they were hot. (I've discovered that I only really like fries when they are very hot and fresh.) He ate all he wanted and we packed two to go boxes full! Again, when I walked away, I was full but not stuffed and a long way from uncomfortable.  Of course, I registered a gain this morning but that was to be expected. I'm right back with the program today. No guilt, no postcheating binge, just back in the saddle.

Several times over the past few weeks, while I've had this challenging time, I've placated myself by thinking that my choices and behaviors were better than years ago. That's true. I've made tremendous progress one small step at a time. That is great. That is wonderful. That is fabulous. That is NOT the end. That is NOT the goal. Being better than I was years ago, isn't a feat anymore. I need to be better than I was last year, or better yet last month, or even last week. That is my challenge to myself now. I need to be better. I know measuring progress from last month or week, is going to be in very small increments. It is also a subjective call. It isn't easily measured and compared like my waist. Improvement can be made, however.

Today is a new year, so to speak, for me, so it is a great day to start fresh and make a commitment to be better, just a little bit better, every day. I can do it, and I know my readers will support me and hold me accountable. Here we go!

Today is My Birthday

Today is my birthday.  My co-workers are taking me to lunch.  I get to pick the place so I can get a nice salad.  65MD and I are going for BBQ tonight since I didn't get it last week.  LOL! 

We have birthday cake once a month at work, so I've already had that.  65MD and I are having a cake jointly this year and I'll make it closer to his birthday than mine.

I've decided to celebrate and enjoy my special day without guilt.  I'll make the best choices I can, and not worry about it.

Water

The prevailing wisdom for ages regarding the proper amount of water to drink has been 8 eight ounce glasses each day. I remember trying to do that years ago and working hard to get all that water down. I would give myself little incentives to get the water down, like allowing myself a Diet Coke if I met the goal. Over time, however, drinking 64 ounces of water became a non issue. I sipped water all day, and easily got in the required minimum. I even got thirsty for water if I didn't get enough. Water became the easy part of my healthy eating regime.

Not too long ago, I heard the idea to drink half your body weight in ounces of water. That seemed too hard. At 180 that would be 90 ounces of water. I resisted for a while, but then realized that I could work up to it. As my weight came down, the amount of water would come down to, thus meeting myself in the middle. I got down to 163, and easily chugged 82 ounces of water.

Of course, my weight has gone back up requiring more water to reach the goal, but that is not a problem now. (At least the water isn't, gaining the weight is!) Most recently, I've been drinking 100 ounces of water each day with no problem. Of course, summertime in the south helps! Something cold and wet is almost always welcome. ;-)

Yesterday, I drank 100 ounces of water by mid afternoon. I decided a Diet Coke would be good so I drank one adding another 12 ounces. Once that was gone, I still wanted something to drink and found myself near a Sonic at happy hour. I got a 44 ounce diet cherry limeade. I drank that before I left the office. Once I got home, I made myself another diet cherry limeade. I made enough to fill up my empty Sonic cup. I drank almost all of that, I think about 30 more ounces. Then I began to add up all of the ounces of fluid I'd had yesterday and realized I drank more than my weight yesterday!! If I did the math correctly, I drank 186 ounces of something yesterday.

I'm glad for that little happy because I've been having a hard time lately. I'm doing great most days, but I have so many interruptions that having any real weight loss is not happening. I'll lose a pound or two and gain it all back with one meal and the end is not in sight. Within the next three weeks, I have two birthdays, an anniversary, a holiday, a day long seminar with lunch provided, and a four day trip. Once we're back from the trip, I'll have about two weeks to recover before another trip and birthday back to back combination.

I still haven't gotten down to what I weighed before my sister's visit. That compounds my frustration because that weight was up from my lowest this summer. I've got to stop thinking about it in those terms. I've got to stop looking back and look forward. I can get there. It is going to (already has) take longer than I want, but I will get there. No one else has given me a deadline, why should I? I'll do this one day at a time, one meal at a time. I can do this. I can do this.

Just Sayin'

Yesterday, I took some clothes to my favorite consignment store and was able to pre-shop.  I got some very nice pieces to add to my wardrobe, which is great.  Some of these clothes I expect I'll still be wearing at my goal weight. 

The reason I mention this however, is that I bought clothes in sizes ranging from 10 to 16!  Since I have made it a bit of a theme of this blog to rant and rave about women's clothes sizes, I couldn't pass this up! 

Honesty

Yesterday when I blogged about knowing the menu for dinner and not wanting chocolate cake, it was true.  For 10+ years this dinner has been BBQ with white beans and slaw.  Last night I was shocked to see Italian food.  We were served lasagna, pasta with primevera sauce and chicken, salad bread and tiramisu. 

That really threw me for a loop.  My plans were to load up on the pork and have a few white beans, lots of protein with some carbs and fiber thrown in.  It seemed like a good plan.  I'm not a fan of Italian food, mostly because it is so tomato based.  Pasta, I can generally take or leave.


I immediately went in to my default defense mode and started serving.  65MD gently pulled me away from that activity.  So, I had to eat.  I took some of the chicken off of the top of the pasta.  It wasn't breaded and tasted smoky.  It was pretty good actually.  I piled on the salad which was good too and drizzled just a little Parmesan dressing on it.


I thought I had pulled it off, when the hostess came and asked if I would slice the cake I'd brought.  I agreed, but it was a huge mistake.  I was in the midst of all those desserts talking to the people that had prepared them and they all looked great.  That and the fact that the one Italian dish I love is tiramisu.  I had a small piece of that, and that was all it took to break the dam.  I had homemade chocolate ice cream.  Both were two things that I would not just whip up for myself.  Then someone asked if I'd split a piece of chocolate cake and I did.  I think I ate more dessert than food.


It just seems like any time I mention in this blog that something is not an issue for me, what ever it is rises up and slaps me in the face.  I need to remain diligent at all times.  Once I let down my guard, I still have that 'all or nothing' thinking that leads to just a little bit of this and a little bit of that.


This morning the scales read 175.2, so I still have about 3 pounds to get back to what I weighed before my sister's visit.  We still haven't quite decided what to do about birthdays/anniversary.  I'm trying to get away from celebrating with food.  One of us will think of something, I'm sure.