Total Weight Loss

Sunday, August 28, 2011


Feelings, perceptions, ideas and the like can seem real.  They cause us to behave and think in certain ways based on those beliefs, even if those thoughts are untrue.  Lately, I've been feeling fat.  I've been feeling gross and just blah. 

Here I am back in the 170's once again, and I'm just weary of it.  I think that maybe I have some sort of subconscious reality that I'll never get out of the 170's to stay much less the 140's because this is where I spent most of my 30's.

But even though I feel gross and fat.  I am not gross and fat.  We moved a mirror to a different place in the bedroom yesterday, so I'm not used to it yet.  This morning, after carefully donning stretchy, forgiving clothes to cover my perceived fatness, I caught a glimpse of myself in that mirror.  I was shocked to see that the person looking back was not at all fat, in fact, she was quite trim and looked nice.  I walked to the mirror and looked more closely to make sure that was me!!!

That experience got me to thinking about how many times I operated under false pretenses because of my own misconceptions.  At the beginning of the summer last year I was in the mid 180's weight-wise.  I felt great.  I felt slim and pretty.  I was happy to pose for the camera on vacation.  I did look nice, and relatively speaking was far thinner than I had been.  I want to get back to her.  I'm 10 pounds lighter now than I was then, but I'm searching in my closet for the fat camouflaging clothes.  I want to hide away and not let anyone see my disgusting body.

Part of the reason, I'm sure, is that I was all the way down to 163 at the end of June.  I seemed to be on the right track.  I got derailed over the 4th of July.  Here's the worst part, I don't know why!  I didn't go to a party and indulge.  I spent the month of July trying to get back under control and then the season of challenges hit.  I have got to break out of this mindset and break out soon.

I think tomorrow I will fast.  There is something about not eating, and drinking a lot of water that is cleansing to me.  I have five days ahead with no challenges.  I can make those good days.  I only have to live one day at a time, so I'll not worry about the weekend until it gets here.  I'll have a plan for it then.  I'll be in a better place mentally, I'm sure.


  1. it's too bad out minds who KNOW something can't seem to convince our heart/guts it's true. you are beautiful and perfect whatever size you are! i understand wanting to be thinner but we have to love ourselves while on the journey. i think the fast is a good idea. it'll clear your mind. when i fast before a sweat lodge. i do a master cleanse which is a gallon of distilled water 10/12 fresh lemons, 8 oz of maple syrup, and a tbs of red cayanne pepper.mix and drink at room temp. the water hydrates, the lemons are a natural astringent for the internal organs, the maple syrup is carbs for energy, and the pepper opens and clears the sinus passages. i think i'm gonna do this with you tommorrow. there is power in unity!

  2. They say that the mind takes a while to catch up to our bodies - and I think it's true. Funny but my weight goal is to be my wedding weight - which was 150 lbs. and I felt HUGE on my wedding day! Our minds are our worst enemies sometimes! I agree though about a little bit of extra weight - somehow it can make us feel so much bigger...I went through that over the past months and have finally got most of it back off again. It's amazing how much slimmer I feel with just those 6 lbs. off again.

  3. I just read one of Geneen Roth's books, and she says that when you're under fat attack, you should treat yourself extra well (which does not mean indulging in unhealthy food). Because it is never about the weight, but something else all together. So maybe you could treat yourself like a queen for the next days, and see if it helps?

  4. I hear you my Friend. For me, it's about my attitude about myself. I too put myself down. I've been working on this.

    Enjoy your slim self. You look amazing!!!

    Keep focused!!

  5. glad you did well sweetie. i must confess i was off today and i slept for 12 hours! after the chaos of the storm i was emotionally drained. and i needed the rest. good luck and lemme know if the fast continues.