Feelings, perceptions, ideas and the like can seem real. They cause us to behave and think in certain ways based on those beliefs, even if those thoughts are untrue. Lately, I've been feeling fat. I've been feeling gross and just blah.
Here I am back in the 170's once again, and I'm just weary of it. I think that maybe I have some sort of subconscious reality that I'll never get out of the 170's to stay much less the 140's because this is where I spent most of my 30's.
But even though I feel gross and fat. I am not gross and fat. We moved a mirror to a different place in the bedroom yesterday, so I'm not used to it yet. This morning, after carefully donning stretchy, forgiving clothes to cover my perceived fatness, I caught a glimpse of myself in that mirror. I was shocked to see that the person looking back was not at all fat, in fact, she was quite trim and looked nice. I walked to the mirror and looked more closely to make sure that was me!!!
That experience got me to thinking about how many times I operated under false pretenses because of my own misconceptions. At the beginning of the summer last year I was in the mid 180's weight-wise. I felt great. I felt slim and pretty. I was happy to pose for the camera on vacation. I did look nice, and relatively speaking was far thinner than I had been. I want to get back to her. I'm 10 pounds lighter now than I was then, but I'm searching in my closet for the fat camouflaging clothes. I want to hide away and not let anyone see my disgusting body.
Part of the reason, I'm sure, is that I was all the way down to 163 at the end of June. I seemed to be on the right track. I got derailed over the 4th of July. Here's the worst part, I don't know why! I didn't go to a party and indulge. I spent the month of July trying to get back under control and then the season of challenges hit. I have got to break out of this mindset and break out soon.
I think tomorrow I will fast. There is something about not eating, and drinking a lot of water that is cleansing to me. I have five days ahead with no challenges. I can make those good days. I only have to live one day at a time, so I'll not worry about the weekend until it gets here. I'll have a plan for it then. I'll be in a better place mentally, I'm sure.
2 weeks ago