I have a total of 312 miles!  I didn't get in quite as many miles as I had hoped last week.  In between the cool, rainy weather, and catching up from vacation, it just didn't happen.  That's OK.  I know that I really did the best I could.  I'll do better this week, I'm sure.

Due to my deeply ingrained analytical nature, I had to crunch the numbers yet again.  Besides wanting to see if I was on target, I also wanted to see if I needed to tweak my plan anywhere.  I recognize that I'm just not going to get 2.7 miles in on Sunday.  I've been trying to get a few extra steps in each day to make up for that.

I'm happy to say that my plan is working.  The only change I'm going to make, at least for a while is counting my steps Monday through Sunday each week.  I know the total I need and it feels very reasonable.  It also feels nice on Sunday afternoons to do what I need to without beating myself up over steps.

The Game

There is a "game" 65MD and I often play at the beach.  It can be played anywhere but most often this occurs at the beach.  To play the game, I will point at a woman and say "Bigger or smaller?"   Meaning is that woman bigger or smaller than me.  We began playing this game before I ever lost any weight.  I think I recognized that I was in denial about my size and was trying to get a handle on it.  Now, I'm not really in denial, but I think I still have issues recognizing my true size.

So, on this trip I pointed to a rather large woman thinking to myself that I was smaller but not by much and asked the question.  65MD said that I was bigger.  I nodded my head sadly thinking I had a lot of work to do.  This was immediately followed by a statement something along the lines of, he wasn't going to answer that question honestly anymore if I was going to be so ridiculous about it.  Maybe it would scare me straight if he told me the opposite.  We laughed and I said I hoped that would help.

Soon, I saw a woman wearing a bikini that looked very nice in her bikini.  In my dreams I would look that good.  I pointed to her and asked the question.  He said that was a difficult call because we were so close.  Thinking we were still doing opposites, I laughed and said something about looking that good at my goal weight.  He said that he was being honest then.   He said that the only difference at all was my tummy.  Yes the bane of my existence, my dreaded belly.

I was shocked and quizzed him further.  He stuck to his story and said if my stomach was flatter, I'd look like her!  It gave me renewed energy and hope!

Another quick, and similar encouragement I got was that he told me that I needed a new bathing suit that the one I was wearing was just too big.  I didn't quite see it, but if he told me to buy one, then I must!!

I'm Still Here

I'm still here, folks.  It takes several days for me to get my legs back under me at work when I'm out.    Even though it seems a little far removed now, I thought I'd share some NSV's I had at the beach.  First, I need to explain my vacation mindset.  It is something along the lines of "nothing counts on vacation"  or "there are no rules on vacation."  I relish not having a set schedule since my day to day life is quite schedule driven.  I like going to bed when I feel like it an getting up when I wake up, rather than when I have to. 

In years past, that mindset bled over into the food world.  I felt like not only did the rules for healthy nutrition didn't apply, but also I should eat as much as possible while it was 'free' so to speak.  I've tamed that beast a bit over the years.  I still think it is important to allow indulgences on special occasions and in special situations.  Denial of those treats, for me, leads do a resentment of sorts, which blows up in to making even worse choices down the road.

So, the first NSV is that I really considered what indulgences I wanted and were worth it on this trip.  I had two in particular, one was resurrecting an old tradition of ours, which was to get a frozen apple pie and vanilla ice cream to have in the room one night.  When we went to the store to get healthy snacks for the week, we picked up a pie & some ice cream.  I got the smallest one of both so as to avoid leftovers.  I had a nice slice with some ice cream and enjoyed every bite.

That leads me to my next NSV.  It made me sick.  I've thought a time or two that when I've allowed myself a lot of sugar, it upsets my stomach.  This time just confirmed that idea.  I'm glad that my body is now so used to the good stuff that it rejects the bad stuff.

I still have one huge area for improvement however, and that is portion control.  We ate out a lot.  Restaurants just serve too large of portions.  65MD and I often split entrees, or I order the appetizer portion.  When it is feasible I get a to go box.  But there were times when none of those things is an option.  I have a very hard time leaving food on my plate.  Most of this stems from the idea that it is wasteful (remember those starving children in China?), not necessarily from a desire to eat beyond saitey.  Luckily, this does not happen very often.  Most of the time we eat at home, or I exercise one of my other options.  I have started by trying to leave just a bite or two on my plate just to do it.  Maybe in time, I'll be able to leave larger portions once I'm full.  I have a feeling this is like any other sort of exercise and I'll have to just work up to it.

All in all, I think it was a very successful trip eating wise.  In my next post, I'll share one more story about the trip.  A very pleasant surprise that still makes me smile when I think of it.

Monday Mileage

I have 294 miles!!  The beach is just the place to get in lots and lots and lots of steps while hardly even realizing it.  We traveled to the beach on Tuesday, so I didn't get a lot of steps in that day.  There isn't a lot of walking involved when on a plane and in a car.  Wednesday was our first full day at the beach.  My goal was to walk 1000 steps in one direction, 1000 steps back to my starting point, then 1000 steps the other direction and, of course 1000 steps back to my starting point.  That would be an easy 4000 steps not counting the steps to get to the water's edge and all the other walking typically done at the beach.  Each day I would increase the number of steps by 100.  So on Thursday it would be 1100 steps each way, Friday 1200 steps and Saturday 1300 steps.

 

The reality was, that was way too easy.  Beach walking is just the ticket for me.  I love it.  I met those goals with no problem at all.  I would walk in the morning alone while MD65 was in his conference and we'd walk again in the evenings when he was finished.  I zipped along each day and on Friday I had nearly 10,000 steps after my morning walk!!  Friday after eating supper, we took a nice long stroll.  I realized once we got back to the room that I'd done way more walking than in days past.  When I checked my pedometer, I was delighted to see that I was less than 200 steps away from 20,000.  I rushed back outside and walked laps around the pool until I reached 20,000.  I looked at the pedometer at step 20,000!  I squealed with excitement.  MD65, sitting on the balcony above me, chuckling at my antics, had to agree that was an accomplishment.  I finished the day at 20,202!  That is a record I expect to stand for some time to come.

 

I must confess at this point that my hamstrings had something to say about 20,000 steps in one day.  They weren't happy anytime I decided to stand up or sit down by the end of the day.  I knew I'd have to take it easy on Saturday, and I got a little help from mother nature on that one.  We woke up to pouring rain Saturday morning.  It rained all day long.  There are only so many steps one can get in a little condo on the beach.  Then to top things off, a couch was dropped on my toe.  It isn't broken.  It is a lovely shade of purple though.  I wore flip flops for the rest of the trip.  Today, I wore dress shoes with no discomfort, so I'm fine now.  It did hinder me some on Saturday however.

 

I'm back getting into the groove today.  It has been mighty chilly so I didn't get to walk outside at lunch.  That was fine because I had a pile of work to do from being out and recovering from the audit.  The weather is supposed to moderate and I'll get caught up soon and I'll be a walking wonder woman once again.

 

I did a lot of introspection on my walks, and lots of mental blogging.  I'll try to make some of those mental post reality in the next few days.

Monday Mileage & Unplugging

I have a total of just over 270 miles so far this year.  I didn't get the mileage in last week that I have in weeks past.  I'm not happy about it, but I feel like I did all I could do.  I'm sort of getting the hang of giving myself the latitude to simply do the best I can, rather than meet some unrealistic expectation.  It keeps me from just throwing up my hands and giving up like I used to.  I wish I'd discovered this little secret earlier in life.

This week will be a good week.  65MD and I are headed to the beach.  He has a seminar, and I plan to rest my mind.  (Academics know how to have a seminar, we've got another one coming up that will be on a cruise ship!)  I am taking my pedometer and expect to get in lots and lots of steps walking on the beach.  Last year I saw a dolphin on one of my morning jaunts on the beach.  Maybe I'll see another one this year.  What I won't be doing is blogging, reading blogs, emailing, texting or anything else technology related.  I'll have my cell phone in case of emergency, but otherwise, I'll be unplugged for the rest of the week.

Make it a great week, everyone!  I plan to.

How Many Hits?

When I started this blog just over two years ago, I had what most mental health experts would label 'Delusions of Grandeur.'  I thought I would have hundreds of followers yearning for my pearls of wisdom; nuggets of truth I'd discovered on my path to skinny-town.  It wasn't beyond my imagination to think that a book publisher might approach me and ask me to turn my blog into a book.  While I knew I didn't have those skills, I knew my husband and nephew did.  I got their agreement to help with that little project when it came along.  They, I'm sure, realized it was a promise they wouldn't have to keep.

It didn't take me long to realize the error of my ways.  Actually, I'm OK with that.  Even though those initial thoughts sound naive and arrogant at the same time.  I don't think I was the later, but will confess the former!  I routinely looked to see how many followers I had and looked to see how many hits I got from day to day.  Over time as the blog morphed into my journal rather than a weight loss how to book in the making, I quit anxiously awaiting the next follower.  I quit checking my hits everyday.

Now, I'll notice the number of followers and wonder when it went up.  I welcome all my followers and follow most of them back.  I don't mean to be a bad blog host, it is just that isn't as important to me as it once was.  Every month or so, I still look up my analytics.  I like to see how many hits I've gotten world-wide.  It is fun to see if anyone in Bangladesh is reading.  It is always surprising to me to see some of the places that have found my blog.

Yesterday, I decided to check that out once again.  Since I'd only posted once last week, I expected to see a blip up on Wednesday and Thursday but not much at all before that.  When I saw the line for the last few weeks was almost flat I was mildly surprised.  It looked as though for the last few weeks I'd had almost no hits.  I knew better since I'd gotten comments.  When I moused over the line I saw the number of hits was more like what I was expecting, until I got to Thursday.

On Thursday, I got 157 hits.  Really!?!?!  How in the world did that happen???  I don't know.  Maybe there was some sort of malfunction at google and my blog was at the top of their search list.  I don't think I have that many readers, but if I do - 65MD and nephew better start polishing their writing skills.  That book offer may come yet!

Catching Up

I haven't really organized my thoughts as to how to encapsulate the last week of my life in a way that is interesting and relevant to this blog.  I'm going to work forward chronologically and address the eating & walking issues I encountered.  I think the information will be helpful to me down the road even if it isn't for the readers.  I feel like I've had a mind shift and once I sort it all out here on the screen I might believe that more fully or decide it was faulty thinking.

I began by giving myself a great big break on both the walking mileage and the food choices.  I wore my pedometer and hoped to get 2.7 miles in each day, but I decided to be happy with whatever I got.  I also decided that I would make the best choices I could regarding meals.  There would be some over which I had no control, I'd stay away from the obvious bad choices like sugar & white bread.  I would try to focus on protein, vegetables and fruit whenever possible.  Of course it was not an option to weigh or measure anything.  I knew I could eyeball it fairly well, and err on the side of too small.

Here goes.  Thursday was visitation for my aunt and the meal was provided by her sweet little church.  I really wasn't hungry and they'd provided sandwiches, chips, grapes and cookies.  I ate grapes.  Since I really wasn't very hungry, it was fine.  I did laps around the break room as my brother in law cracked jokes about mall walkers and my nephew and I tried to stay an equal distance apart.  Did I say I have a great family??? 

Friday was one of the strangest days of my life.  The morning got away from me, and I missed breakfast.  The funeral was mid morning and we were home by about 1:00.  I rushed home to finish frosting & decorating the cakes & cupcakes for the wedding.  I focused so much on that, it was well into the afternoon before I realized I'd still not eaten.  So, I ate an apple.  I got the cakes finished in time to  zip over to the wedding rehearsal & dinner.  They had a cookout.  Even though, I still didn't really consider myself hungry, I decided to have a burger without a bun.  Then I saw the hot dogs.  I love a hot dog grilled black with the skin split, and there were some.  I ate two and they were delicious.  I dipped them in mustard and ate them without any bread.  Then I spent a couple of hours  over night violently ill.

Saturday, I got up and got busy again with wedding plans.  The next thing I knew it was after 1:00 and I had not eaten.  My 22 year old nephew came to the rescue with chicken nuggets! At the reception a couple of hours later, I had a variety of snacks, like cheese & strawberries.  I also had a piece of the most delicious lemon cake ever in the world. 

 

On both days, I ran up & down steps.  Here and there and every where.  I was the first to volunteer to get stuff.  Unfortunately, I didn't get enough steps either day to reach 2.7 miles.  65MD thinks my pedometer malfunctioned because he saw me zooming around like a wild woman.  I think the pedometer was right because it hasn't messed up since.

On Sunday, I was determined to get back to my good eating & walking habits, but that was not to be.  After church, we saw the out of town family off and once again, I missed a couple of meals, and I did not get in enough steps, yet again.

Monday the audit started and work became a circus.  But, I managed to get in all my meals, and steps!  Tuesday, I was all but chained to my desk, so I didn't get in nearly enough steps.  I did much better both with food & steps yesterday.  I have two more days of the audit and I think I can make it.

In reviewing the past few days, I think I did the best I could.  My weight is up and it will take a few more days to get back down.  The victory is I didn't obsess about what I ate, or how many steps I got.  Not once did I think, I might as well pile it in because I'd gone off plan.  I just lived life.  I made the best choices that I could.  I know it is not a good thing to skip meals, and I certainly don't plan to make that a way of life.  I'm still counting that as a victory.  There was a time in my life that my meals would have taken precedence.  Missing a meal, without thought like I did more than once never would have happened.  It was unthinkable.  Maybe, just maybe, food is taking a more normal place in my life.

Goodbye

Goodbye sweet one.  My much beloved aunt slipped out of this life early this morning.  She is at home with her Lord and at peace.  Those of us left behind are saddened by our loss, which is magnified by the fact that she left a 48 year old son with autism.  He doesn't understand what has happened.  He cannot care for himself alone, so plans are in place for temporary care in his home while suitable living arrangements are being made.

It is a bittersweet time in my family's life.  The sadness of the funeral is being planned to accommodate the joy of a wedding this weekend.  I and my family are in need of much prayer and support these next few days.   I'm not sure how much I'll be around, but I know I will feel your prayers for comfort.  I'll check in as I can.

Another Dress

My family likes to have fun.  We like to be together and enjoy life.  I am really looking forward to being with my family this weekend as we celebrate my older sisters (OS) wedding.  My younger sister (YS) will arrive tomorrow with her daughter and baby son, and the festivities will begin.  More family will arrive as the week progresses, which means even more fun.

About 12 1/2 years ago when 65MD and I got married OS decided it would be funny to give skull caps to all of my bridesmaids at the rehearsal.  I'd been safely sequestered away without any knowledge of this.  As I stood in my designated spot to watch all of the attendants enter, I was amazed as one after another they all came in bald!  I knew right away that one of my sister's was behind it, and of course I thought it was hilarious.  I am smiling as I type this remembering.  I enjoy the pictures of that night just as much as the formal ones from the next night.  OS confessed that she was the culprit, I'm sure thinking she was safe.  I was the last of the three to marry so what did she need to care.

She has no idea that YS and I have been cooking up our own schemes.  We want to ensure that OS has just as much fun at her rehearsal as I did.  OS has been carrying on since she got engaged as to how she wanted us to be able to wear our dresses again.  Whatever!!!  I've done that once.  I wore the dress of a high school friend's wedding for Halloween one year.  Does that count?

I still happen to have the dress from YS wedding, so I thought I'd wear it along with the hat I wore in OS first wedding.  They would clash immensely.  I was certain that the dress would hang on me as well, adding to the fun.  I remember being embarrassingly large at YS wedding.  I remember struggling to try to lose a few pounds so as not to mar her wedding pictures.  I remember my mother telling me how she had to cut my dress larger than the largest pattern size.  So, there was no doubt the dress would be too big, because now I'm skinny, skinny.

I decided last night to try on the ensemble and see what else I could add.  Imagine my surprise when the dress wouldn't zip.  I thought perhaps it was because the dress had been hanging in my closet for nearly 20 years.  (Clearly, I have a hard time parting with items of sentimental value.)  I thought maybe the zipper had gotten stuck because of its age.  I went in to get 65MD to un-stick it and zip it up.  He had to bring me back to reality.  The dress was too little.  He softened the blow by telling me that it was an inch or less too small.  I was stunned.

I'm not really upset that the dress was too little, other than I'll have to find some other way to torture OS on Friday.  I'm a little concerned though about my distorted view of myself.  I have finally cracked the 170's again, and know that skinny isn't the right word to describe me, but neither is fat.  I have a little more than 20 pounds to get to my goal, but somehow I have no idea how I look.  I don't think I have in a long time, if ever.

I know I was in huge denial as to how big I got before I finally started losing weight.  Apparently, I was in some sort of denial 20 years ago.  I weighed too much, but I wasn't the blob I felt like I was and later became.  I just don't understand.  And, I don't know how to be real with myself.  I'll do what I know to be right, with regard to eating and exercise.  Maybe my brain will catch up.

In the meantime, I have a lot of fun to have with the family!

Monday Mileage

As of the end of the day yesterday, I have 233 miles!  It was another fabulous walking week and I made the most of it to be sure.  I know these glorious days won't last forever and I need to relish every moment.  And I am!

Unfortunately, I'm not exactly sure what this week will hold.  I'm only planning to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week because my sister's wedding is Saturday.  I'll be working for sure Thursday and Friday, but I'm not sure about the number of steps I'll get.  I've discovered that I can get 10,000 steps in before I leave the office during the week, if I take a lunchtime walk.  The schedule for Thursday and Friday so loosey goosey, I'm not sure if there will be a lunch time, much less a walk.  It may be a grab & go.  I'm determined to stick to my eating plan though.

I have given myself permission to have a bite of the lemon cake that I made.  I can skip the red velvet.  I'm surprised about my feelings towards that.  Even with permission to eat the lemon cake, I'm not sure that I will.  Maybe one bite, maybe not.  I just haven't decided if it will be worth it.  I'm really in the zone now, and once I get of track it is hard to get back on.  I might wrap up a slice and put it in the freezer.  In fact, I'm really leaning towards that option right now.  By Saturday, who knows where my mind will be.

I've got another extenuating factor for the week.  A much beloved aunt is in her last days if not hours in her life on this earth.  We said our goodbyes over the weekend.  She's ready to go.  She has an autistic son for whom care must be arranged, but several of us have promised that we'll make sure he's cared for properly.  But, I am fully expecting to attend a funeral this week as well.

Everything has helped me to recognize that getting 10,000 steps in per day, is a nice goal to have, but it isn't the be all, end all of life.  It is a nice goal and that is all.  I'm doing my best, but at the same time giving myself a great big break.