Monday Mileage a Day Late

I managed to update my ticker yesterday but never got around to actually posting an entry.  I have 466 miles so far this year.  As the half way point of the year approaches I'm almost halfway to my goal.  If I don't get 1000 miles in during 2012, I'll get awful darn close.  I feel good about that.

Speaking of tickers, some of my more observant readers may have noticed that my weight loss ticker has not been updated in quite some time.  That is because I'm living in a little place called 'Denial' and it is time to come clean.  I haven't updated the ticker since April because all I've done since then is gain weight.  I kept thinking that if I didn't say anything, I'd lose the weight and update the ticker.  I alluded to the fact that my weight has gone up a few times, but mostly I've just said nothing.  The only person being hurt by this is me.

I'm the one with few clothes that fit anymore.  I'm the one trying to camouflage the gain IRL by wearing girdles.  I know that I'm not trying to keep floppy skin in place as was once the reason for wearing one.  I'm trying to smash my belly down so I can zip the blasted skirt.  I'm the one uncomfortable all day long with red marks on my skin at the end of the day.

Perhaps this denial is all part of the perfectionistic thinking that I'm fighting.  I just didn't care to admit defeat.  That is the most frustrating part of all of this.  The weight gain hasn't been from pigging out on cake and ice cream.  I feel like I'm still battling daily.  I can't seem to find the right plan.  Sparkpeople just did not work because tracking drove me nuts.  I make so many meals from scratch rather than from the prepared items listed, I never felt like I was getting an accurate picture anyway.  I've considered weight watchers but I fear I'd have the same problem.  Even though I am an accountant, and track money all day long, I hate tracking food!

It seems like it should be easy in the summer time to eat well.  All of the fresh produce all over the place just ready for the taking.  Our little back yard garden is doing well in spite of the heat and lack of rain.  I have an uncle that sends me nice vegetables from his much larger garden.  I eat fresh vegetables everyday.  I eat fruit too, although the fruit is from the store.  I feel like my current way of eating is sort of a South Beach style, mostly protein, and vegetables with a little fruit.  Some how, some way, I'm eating too much overall or too much of the wrong thing. I feel defeated.  I feel like I've failed.

I know that hcg works and I'm working myself up mentally to go back on it.  My biggest issue with that, is it is so restrictive and not sustainable.  It is not meant to be a lifetime plan.  No one is meant to take hcg for more than 6 weeks at a time.  I can go back on it for a couple of 3 week stints and get back down close to my goal weight, but then what?  What should my eating be like at my goal weight?  Then there is the 17 Day Diet.  Now that I can make my own yogurt, I could give that another whirl.

There are plenty of plans out there from which to choose.  I feel badly for 65MD.  He's been so supportive during these last three years with whatever pan I'm on.  I hate to put him through another one.  He's happy with me no matter what my size and just wants me to be happy with my size. 

I'm so frustrated and angry with myself right now, that I know I'm not thinking clearly. It may be that none of this makes any sense.  If so, I'm sorry, but I had to get this out.  I've got to get back in to the weight loss groove and out of denial.  So here goes.  I have gained 23 pounds since my sister's wedding on April 6.  That was my low weight for the year.  I am once again obese.

Even though I'm not sure what plan I'll follow, I will commit now to posting my weight and updating my ticker at least weekly, if not more often.  I'd say daily but with the transition ahead during the next three weeks, I'm not sure if I'll be able to make that goal.  (That old perfectionism keeps me from committing to something I know I can't do!)