Perceptions vs. Reality

Last night about bedtime, I had a sudden realization that I hadn't measured everything when I took my measurements before starting the P90X.  I should have measured my ribs just under my breasts and my tummy between my waist and hips.  I made a mental note to do them today.  After all, it has only been 10 days.

I've had a feeling that my waist has gotten smaller.  My pants don't feel as tight in the waist.  My plan was to wait to measure after 4 weeks to give myself the full first cycle.  I knew the results would be more dramatic if I waited.  Being able to tell in my clothes was just a bonus.  Plus, I didn't want to be upset if my feelings were not confirmed just yet.

After I rocked another workout this morning I took those two measures and noted that they were made on October 10 rather than October 1.  Then, I just couldn't help myself, I measured my waist.  I have lost a full inch in my waist!!  Go me!!

Maybe I'm getting the endorphin rush after a good work out, but I am feeling strong after each workout.  I feel ripped and healthy.  I like the way I feel. I had some errands to run outside of the house today so I set out to do them feeling like I could conquer the world.  I had a spring in my step and an inch missing from my waist, and I was just getting started.

Imagine my surprise then, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while out on my errands.  There was a chubby lady looking back at me, not this lean and glorious, glowing with health and vitality woman I was on the inside.

It shook me.  I sat in the car for a while and processed it.  Well, I tried to process it.  I couldn't make that woman me.  I'm healthy and fit.  I rock the P90X.  Then I decided it didn't matter.  I have to live on the inside of me.  I like where I am on the inside.  The outside will just have to catch up.  I don't have time to worry about that.  I've got some living to do.

Major Improvement

Today as I did the P90X workout, I noticed marked improvement in my ability.  I was up to the modified workout almost the entire time.  There are a couple of moves that are going to take a little longer, but that is OK.  I got confirmation today that I can do it.  It felt great!!

My biggest obstacle now is eating enough food.  I'm following the fat shredder nutrition plan.  It is just more food that I'm used to eating.  I remember joking with a coworker some time ago.  She was nursing her new baby and said it was difficult to keep her calories up.  She, of course, was eating fresh fruit and vegetables and lean meats like we all should.  I laughed and told her she just wasn't trying hard enough and I could give her a few pointers.  Now, I understand her dilemma.

I'm making meals that fit with the plan and serving them to 65MD.  I haven't actually told him that he's eating according to the fat shredder plan but I suspect he knows.  We eat the same thing and he knows what I'm doing.  He has been totally fine with everything I've made so far and I am having a blast making real food for us.  I'm not controlling his portions as I am mine.  He doesn't have the same weight problem I do. This is the way we should be eating anyway.

Yesterday, I decided to make some whole wheat bread for us.  I opted for a recipe that still had a little white flour in it.  It was about 3/4 whole wheat to 1/4 white.  For 65MD's sake, I thought I should ease in to it.  Whole wheat flour has a stronger taste to me, and I didn't want to put him off since he has been so supportive. 

The bread turned out great.  I had my allotted one piece.  He ate three and made himself stop saying he could eat the whole pan.  I asked him then what he thought of the stronger taste and he said he liked it.  I told him about the second recipe and my thinking that we should work up to it.  He said to go for it.  So, as soon as we eat the rest of the bread from yesterday.  I'm on to the full whole wheat recipe.  Stay tuned to see how that turns out.

Monday Mileage

I have 707 miles for the year.  I thought I never get through that 700 mile barrier. The 600's seemed to take forever.  Funny how that happens sometimes.

I'm learning more and more that any idea I had of physical fitness was a delusion.  I'm doing my best with the P90X.  It is hard not to get discouraged.  I am only a week in, so I'm not throwing in the towel just yet.  I have got to give myself at least a month to see if I improve at all.  I think I will and I think that will give me the strength to forge ahead.

It has turned cold and is rainy here.  It doesn't do much for my desire to work out.  The weekend was just crazy.  Funny thing, I was expecting a calm, relaxing weekend and those are two of the last words I'd choose to describe it!  I missed two workouts but I was right back with it today.

The old me would have quit already.  The old me would have turned off the yoga about two minutes in and cried.  I've already confessed that I was close to tears, but I did not quit.  The old me would have decided that it was useless to continue if I missed one, much less two workouts.  I no longer had 'perfect attendance' so what was the use.

No more.  Now, I'm struggling and clawing my way out of this pit I've dug for myself.  If I don't things will only get worse.  I won't let that happen!  It is my choice to make, will I be fitter in 30 days or fatter?  I've already decided fitter, now to make it happen.

Conversations with 65MD

For my new readers, 65MD is my husband.  He asked for privacy's sake to be called '65 Mustang Driver on my blog.  While I wanted to respect his privacy, I did not want to type out that whole long moniker every time I referred to him, so we agreed on 65MD.  It adds an air of mystery to him, which is hilarious to me.

He has been a tremendous support for me all through this journey.  He needs to lose 20 or so pounds but has never struggled with his weight the way I have.  Still, he has been as helpful as he could be.  This is a journey that is often walked alone.  At least for me it has been since the battle is more between the ears than anywhere else.

He considered doing P90X with me but has decided not to.  I think it is a wise decision on his part. He has arthritis in his knees which is a hereditary condition and this high impact stuff won't help it.  He is still totally on board with me doing so.  This is how I know:

We were out the other night and stopped to get gas in the car.  As I sat there, I noticed domed drink lids, which are the hallmark of Icees, my favorite summertime drink.  There is nothing better on a hot summer day.  When 65MD got back in the car, I pointed at them and said I thought they had Icees here.  He said I didn't really want one, and I agreed.  I pointed out that it was a little cooler and I didn't want to drink anything that cold now.  He said that the reason I didn't want one was because I didn't want to ruin all my hard work.  He was right!  I'd been telling myself the very same thing and not just with Icees.

Secondly, I've struggled with the workouts.  Even the lean workout is grueling.  I'm sore.  Although I'm alone in the house, except for the dog, I am embarrassed by my lack of ability.  All those horrible memories of PE and gym come flooding back.  I was close to tears before this morning's routine was complete.  I emailed him and told him how I was feeling.  He sympathized and then gave me words of encouragement.  He gave me the will to continue.  He's fighting right along with me.

He loves me no matter what my size.  He's told me repeatedly that he wished I could make peace with my weight.  I know, however that I need to be healthier.  He understands that and keeps me going.  I need it.  I'll need it a lot more.  This could be a very long 90 days.

It Ain't Pretty!

I have such mixed emotions right now.  I'm not sure I can articulate it well.  I'm feeling two extremes about the P90X and where I am now physically.

On the one hand I'm ready to go.  I feel strong and capable.  I don't like what I let happened but I'm not using that as an excuse.  It will be far worse to still be in this shape or worse next week, next month or next year.  I am where I am, so that is where I'm starting.  I feel so good after and even during those grueling work outs, but then those mixed emotions start popping up.

I can't keep up.  I have no delusions about being buff like the leaders on the DVD.  I think that is fine.  I'll be there eventually.  Then I start thinking about how horrible it is that I can only do one ab shredder for every three they do and then I'm done after about 5.  I pull myself back by telling myself that I will be better next time.  If I get a little better each time, I'll easily keep up. 

Once again, I feel strong and capable.  Then I look at the pictures below.  I am so embarrassed by them.  A part of me wishes I had not taken them.  I think I'll be glad in the long run so I'm posting them.  Clearly, the woman in those photos is not the buff image on the screen.  I'm OK with that.  She's not even the strong, capable image I have in my head.  This woman is fat!

I don't want to believe she is me.  Then I get ashamed.  I tell myself not to wallow there.  It is bad that it happened but it did.  The important thing is that I'm working to improve myself.  I feel better.  Then I try to stand from a sitting position and my quads and gluts scream.  I'm sad that my body is so out of shape that I have the aches and pains.  I tell myself this won't last forever and that I should be proud that I'm doing something to improve myself. I'm good; I'm bad.  I'm strong: I'm soft.  I'm fat; I'm fit.  Round and round I go. I'm getting dizzy.  And, I'm getting better.

The P90X recommends 6 shots.  65MD took all of them, but I'm just sharing these for now.

Crash, Burn and Get UP!

Yesterday I began P90X.  A few short years or even months ago that would have been unfathomable.  Now, it is just simply crazy.  But, I forge ahead.  I have opted to eat according to the "Fat Shredder" nutrition guide and do the "Lean" workout.

The nutrition is much like I eat already, but with a few more options and a little more food.  I'm going to have to be careful about measuring to be sure.  I think that I'll be eating more food though.  That's fine with me.  It will be good, healthy food, not more cookies and ice cream.  The workouts are insane and I'm not going to ruin that with bad fuel for my body. 

Yesterday, I decided to wait to do the first workout with 65MD after he got home from work.  Sadly, he came home sick.  I think he picked up a little bug on our trip.  When he said he needed to lay down when he got home, I knew it was the real deal.  This man does not admit illness unless he has to.  He encouraged me to go ahead.  He even helped get the equipment together for me before departing to the other room to rest.

I popped in the DVD and got busy with the warm up.  It was harder that some 'workouts' I've done.  About 5 minutes in, there was a quad stretch.  Nothing too insane, just bending the knee, grabbing the foot from behind and stretching.  I've done this countless times.  It is for me, a nice easy stretch.  I bent my right knee and had my heel up at my tush.  As I reached with my hand to grab my foot and pull, there was an explosion in my thigh.  It really felt like a bullet had hit me right in the center of my thigh.  I cried out in pain and fell, yes fell, to the ground in extreme pain.

I caused such a commotion that 65MD rushed in to see if he needed to call 911.  I stayed in the floor for a bit and then crawled, literally crawled up in to the chair.  65MD was hovering to make sure no new injuries happened.  After resting in the chair for a bit, I decided to walk it out.  I send 65MD back to bed and paced through the house.  OK, initially, I hobbled through the house using furniture to hold myself up.  As I continued I was able to walk more upright and then like nothing had happened.  It was odd and scary enough that I did not finish the workout.  I put it away for the evening.

I was a little concerned about soreness this morning and that I might have to delay the workout a day or to but not once did I think of chucking it.  Not once did I tell myself that I was to old, fat, out of shape, etc to do it. 

This morning, I got up with no soreness at all and did the full workout.  I know without a doubt I will be sore in the morning.  Intense does not even begin to describe this workout.  I did the modified version and had to modify it a bit more.  That is OK.  I have a goal.  I can work up to it.  I will work up to it.  During the work out, I relished the sweat and was even disappointed that I didn't sweat more.  When it got tough, I never thought of quitting.  I thought of how good I was going to look both in my clothes and out of them!  I thought about how I would be able to go to Colonial Williamsburg and walk all day without naproxen.

 This is a serious commitment.  It is 90 days of one hour work outs with only one day off per week.  I will see it through.  In January, I'll decide if I want to do it again on the next level up.  Right now, I am doing the best I can and I will continue to.

BTW, the pictures didn't happen last night because 65MD wasn't quite up to it.  He's better already and I'll get him to take the pics tonight.

My Personal Challenge

65MD and I have just returned from a few days in Colonial Williamsburg.  It was a nice break from our daily routines.  He was attending a conference so he didn't get quite the break that I did.  Regardless, it was a nice time and I had some triumphs and perhaps an insight or two.

Colonial Williamsburg is set in the 1770's.  The individuals working there dress and speak as they did during that time period. Even the food served on sight is supposed to be similar.  Before we left, I had given myself permission to eat whatever I wanted while on site.  I didn't want to agonize about how many calories, carbs or fat grams a particular offering had especially if I wasn't quite sure what the food item was!  I got over that during the first meal.  It was dry and just not very tasty.  I gave it another chance because I could have made a bad choice, or the tavern could have been having a bad time.  The second meal was almost as bad as the first, so I gladly let that notion go.

Sadly, it was still difficult to find good options even with the more modern food offerings.  I just made the best choices I could at the moment and not once did I obsess over it.  I just ate and moved on.  In fact, I sort of like the way I'm eating right now.  I know I still need to cut down on the amounts and I'm still letting myself have too many carbs.  On the whole, however, I think I have the basis for a good, healthy way of eating with just a few tweaks here and there.

Since CW is set in the 1770's it is totally pedestrian.  I set a personal best with 22,314 steps in one day!  My previous record was at the beach in April with 20,202 steps. I freely admit that naproxen was involved.  I was a little stiff the next morning but got over that quickly enough.  That let 65MD and me to a discussion regarding fitness.  We agreed that we both needed to be more fit.  We agreed that our biggest health concern was not food, but exercise.  That conversation led us to the decision to try P90X.

I got it today.  I have yet to read through all of the information that came with it, but I will.  My plan is to start today.  It is a 90 day program.  That is perfect timing for the last quarter of the year.  A friend IRL told me I'd feel like I was dying for about 3 days and then I'd be fine.  Be forewarned, I could be moaning and groaning for a few days.  I'll gladly moan and groan if it gets the rest of the weight off.

I've taken all of my measurements and I'll have 65MD take some before shots.  I'll get those posted on the sidebar.  I'll take 30 day progress pics, so we can all watch me shrink.  I'm excited.  I think this is just the thing for which I was I was searching!