I have such mixed emotions right now. I'm not sure I can articulate it well. I'm feeling two extremes about the P90X and where I am now physically.
On the one hand I'm ready to go. I feel strong and capable. I don't like what I let happened but I'm not using that as an excuse. It will be far worse to still be in this shape or worse next week, next month or next year. I am where I am, so that is where I'm starting. I feel so good after and even during those grueling work outs, but then those mixed emotions start popping up.
I can't keep up. I have no delusions about being buff like the leaders on the DVD. I think that is fine. I'll be there eventually. Then I start thinking about how horrible it is that I can only do one ab shredder for every three they do and then I'm done after about 5. I pull myself back by telling myself that I will be better next time. If I get a little better each time, I'll easily keep up.
Once again, I feel strong and capable. Then I look at the pictures below. I am so embarrassed by them. A part of me wishes I had not taken them. I think I'll be glad in the long run so I'm posting them. Clearly, the woman in those photos is not the buff image on the screen. I'm OK with that. She's not even the strong, capable image I have in my head. This woman is fat!
I don't want to believe she is me. Then I get ashamed. I tell myself not to wallow there. It is bad that it happened but it did. The important thing is that I'm working to improve myself. I feel better. Then I try to stand from a sitting position and my quads and gluts scream. I'm sad that my body is so out of shape that I have the aches and pains. I tell myself this won't last forever and that I should be proud that I'm doing something to improve myself. I'm good; I'm bad. I'm strong: I'm soft. I'm fat; I'm fit. Round and round I go. I'm getting dizzy. And, I'm getting better.
The P90X recommends 6 shots. 65MD took all of them, but I'm just sharing these for now.
I Need To
2 weeks ago