Total Weight Loss

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

It Ain't Pretty!

I have such mixed emotions right now.  I'm not sure I can articulate it well.  I'm feeling two extremes about the P90X and where I am now physically.

On the one hand I'm ready to go.  I feel strong and capable.  I don't like what I let happened but I'm not using that as an excuse.  It will be far worse to still be in this shape or worse next week, next month or next year.  I am where I am, so that is where I'm starting.  I feel so good after and even during those grueling work outs, but then those mixed emotions start popping up.

I can't keep up.  I have no delusions about being buff like the leaders on the DVD.  I think that is fine.  I'll be there eventually.  Then I start thinking about how horrible it is that I can only do one ab shredder for every three they do and then I'm done after about 5.  I pull myself back by telling myself that I will be better next time.  If I get a little better each time, I'll easily keep up. 

Once again, I feel strong and capable.  Then I look at the pictures below.  I am so embarrassed by them.  A part of me wishes I had not taken them.  I think I'll be glad in the long run so I'm posting them.  Clearly, the woman in those photos is not the buff image on the screen.  I'm OK with that.  She's not even the strong, capable image I have in my head.  This woman is fat!

I don't want to believe she is me.  Then I get ashamed.  I tell myself not to wallow there.  It is bad that it happened but it did.  The important thing is that I'm working to improve myself.  I feel better.  Then I try to stand from a sitting position and my quads and gluts scream.  I'm sad that my body is so out of shape that I have the aches and pains.  I tell myself this won't last forever and that I should be proud that I'm doing something to improve myself. I'm good; I'm bad.  I'm strong: I'm soft.  I'm fat; I'm fit.  Round and round I go. I'm getting dizzy.  And, I'm getting better.

The P90X recommends 6 shots.  65MD took all of them, but I'm just sharing these for now.


  1. You are brave. It stinks to post before pictures of ourselves. You are awesome for putting it out there. Don't you read Holly's blog (300poundsdown)? Look where she is now, and it all started with walking from one mailbox to the next. She can't even do half of what her CrossFit buddies can do, yet she is hanging in there GETTING STRONGER ALL THE TIME, and I have no doubt that we will one day see her post of how she is able to keep right up! Even Leslie Sansone has people that have to modify HER easy program. You do all you can do, be proud of it, try to add one extra each new week or something. You are awesome! I can't wait to see comparison pics in 3 months, but remember that the only way that is gonna happen is if you work the program all that time. :)

  2. i KNOW how you feel when i posted the body shots of me without a shirt it was humilating.mortifying,etc etc but the world kept spinning i didnt die of shame no one made fun of me or laughed at me i got a lot of encouragement and support as will you! plus as you lose you'll be so happy to have proof of the old you. it wont be long before the outside reflects that warrior goddess within so the world better look out lori is about to unleash her ferocity! yes i'm talking about you!!! you got this dear heart and if you need a cheerleader i got my pompoms (literally lol) or i can be a drill sergent too (DO IT DO IT DO IT!) i am after all a gemini. :)