Thank YOU!

This morning I woke in despair over 'the situation.'  I sobbed and sobbed.  I'd get control of my emotions, but the sadness and frustration would wash over me like a wave and the tears would begin again.  Deep inside, I knew things would work out, but I couldn't imagine how or when.

I sucked it up and got about my day as planned.  I still felt like a cloud was hanging over my head.  I decided I had to learn to live with it.  This would be my 'new normal'  (I hate that phrase!) and I would just have to concentrate on what was right in my life and put aside this part over which I had no control.

Very soon after having those thoughts things took an unexpected but very welcome turn.  This thing that had consumed just about every waking moment since Saturday practically vanished.  I cannot explain how it happened since I'm still not at liberty to discuss the details, but the problem is no longer present.

I know that a lot of my readers stood with me in prayer over this even though the specifics were not known to them.  I believe those prayers were heard and answered.  All I can do is say "Thank you!"  Maybe there will come a time when I can share exactly what happened so everyone can know and marvel as I do now.  

This morning I was a mess.  This afternoon, I am giddy with joy.  Thank you!

My Amazing Family

I am so very blessed to have a family that gets along.  We don't always agree but we respect each other and the different opinions that happen in any group.  We genuinely enjoy the company of each other.  Once again, we have pulled together during a difficult time to work through the hard spots together.  We have a rough road ahead.  There is a dark cloud over us that is making it hard to see the good part.  We are sure that everything will work out as it should but it will be hard to live through it.  So for now, I am concentrating on the one good thing I know for sure - my family is amazing.  We will get through this.

As hard as I tried yesterday to get back in full swing of my eating plan, it didn't quite happen.  There was no binge or major pig fest, but I ate a couple of slices of banana blueberry bread that I had made for Sunday.  Food still has little appeal.  The bread was readily available.  I have put it out of sight and that should take care of it.  In spite of that indiscretion, I did well with my eating and lost 0.8 of the regain.  That leaves 2.4 lbs to go to get back to where I was before this began.

Saturday

When I went to bed Friday night, I knew that Saturday was going to be a busy day.  It would be one of those days where I had to stay on task all day to accomplish everything that I had planned.  I had no idea just how the day would turn.

My plans were to clean house thoroughly and prep a meal for Sunday. Sunday was the day my family had selected for our monthly meal together. Coupled with that, 65MD's daughter was coming through town and needed a place to stay Saturday night.  Since our day was already quite full we agreed to take her to dinner that night rather than try and prepare another meal, not to mention the extra cleaning.  We selected a place we knew would be good for our eating plans, no issues there.

I began checking items off my list as planned, when I got some news I did not want to hear.  (I am sorry to do this, but I can't share the news.  I've been asked not to, but no one is dead or near death.)  I had been praying against this very issue for so long, I was stunned when I got the word.  I really felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.  Suddenly, nothing really mattered about the meal prep or the house cleaning.

I told myself over and over that this all would work out for the best and I didn't know the end of the story yet and all of those platitudes that are supposed to help.  That are supposed to make folks feel better, but it didn't help.

65MD's daughter had the unfortunate timing to show up just as I'd gotten the news.  I was too overcome to do anything more that sit like a statue while she prattled on about her trip and the various other 'goings on' in her life.  I hadn't even told 65MD yet.  When she went outside to get her bags in for the night, I broke down sobbing and told 65MD.  Of course, there was nothing to be done at the time so we went out to eat as planned.  I didn't even look at the menu.  I knew what I wanted and ordered it.  I could hardly eat though.  I ate what I could and brought the rest home. (It is still in the refrigerator.)

My family came over yesterday as planned.  They had all gotten the same news.  It was good for us to be together and sort things out a bit. Again, I couldn't eat.  The food had no appeal and little taste.  In an effort to find something tasty, I allowed myself some carbs that ordinarily I would not have. They weren't good either.

While, I did not keep a food log, my perception is that I have eaten very little since midday on Saturday, but my weight is up over 3 pounds!!!  I know the carbs have caused me to hold water, and I'm wondering if there is some sort of stress reaction going on too.  Our bodies are more delicate than we realize and react in strange ways.  

I'm doing my best to tow the line today about my eating.   Even though my heart isn't in it right now, I know for sure that if I allow myself to regain any more weight it will only frustrate me further and I have all I can deal with now from the other situation.

I am sorry this is so cryptic.  I know the situation will be resolved when the time is right and all will be well.  It is just hard to live through.  Thanks in advance for supporting me through this.

An Insight from a Quick Trip

65MD and I went to see some of his peeps out of state over the holiday weekend.  It was a quick trip.  We both wished it could have been longer, but a short trip was better than no trip.  We spent only one night away from home, at his sister's house.

SIL, as long as I've known her, has never had a weight problem.  Her weight, in the 15+ years I've known her, has seemed quite stable.  Her weight appeared to be just where it needed to be not too heavy or too thin.  And didn't seem to change from one time seeing her to the next.  

Whenever we have been together she seemed to have eaten whatever she wanted.  Things like potato chips, cookies, sweet beverages.  All those things that I avoid, she ate.  She is a slow eater and has no issues leaving food on her plate once she's had her fill.  At the same time, I've been in situations where she has eaten beyond full if her comments later were to be believed.  Still her weight seemed to remain constant.

This time when I saw her she looked a bit heavy.  I dismissed it immediately, thinking it had to be the cut of her clothes or a trick of the light, something.  After all, her weight never seemed to change, ever.

During the visit, though, she confessed to me that she'd gained 8 pounds over the winter.  She retired at the end of last year.  She took early retirement because her husband was quite ill and she wanted to be more available to him.  They had a hard winter with surgeries, rehab, and all sorts of doctor visits.  That, added with the bitterly cold weather, kept them inside most of the time.  She said that the only thing they had to do was eat.

I should add at this point that SIL does not cook.  Her husband always did, but wasn't able to during the winter months.  They relied heavily on take out, friends, and various other quick, easy to prepare (heat & eat) or snack type foods.

She was distressed that the pounds had crept on and her clothes were no longer comfortable.  She sought advise from me as to how to get the weight off this summer.  I must admit that initially, anger flared inside me. I thought she should just get over those 8 little pounds and come talk to me when she had 80 pounds to lose.  Almost immediately, I realized the fallacy of that thinking.

That thinking is why I got in the shape I am now.  If I had dealt with 8 pounds when they crept up, I wouldn't be on this journey now.  So, I commended her on being concerned.  Shared some of the things that had worked for me, like keeping those simple carbs low and we had a nice chat about the issues surrounding the gain and better strategies for both of us to keep our weight in check.  It was a good thing.

 I think, she helped me far more than I helped her!

June Stats & Yesterday

For the month of June I lost a whopping 16.2 lbs, and 16.5 inches.   I love the kick-start hcg gives me.  I'm prepared to keep the momentum going in July while I am off the injections.

I had a very good day yesterday.  I ate breakfast a little late.  I got some unexpected news early in the day which kept me off kilter all day.  It wasn't bad news - everything is fine. I am just a planner and so yesterday I rolled with the punches rather than my plan.

For breakfast, I ate some leftover beef tips on a low carb tortilla spread with laughing cow cheese.  It was quite yummy and kept me full well in to the afternoon.  I was quite busy most of the day and when I realized mid afternoon that I had not eaten since late morning, I was a little shocked.  

I went in to the kitchen to see what I could find for a small lunch.  I got a very small handful of cashews as I looked.  I realized that I really was not hungry and should not force myself to eat.  65MD gets home a little earlier in the summer and I thought we'd have an early supper if I got hungry. So lunch was maybe a tablespoon of cashews.

65MD got home and I mentioned grilling steaks for supper and he was quite amenable to that idea!!  The area where we grill gets the full bore of the afternoon sun.  It was quite hot and since neither one of us were hungry we decided to let the sun's rays ease a little bit before making a fire and adding to the heat!!!

At 7:00 pm I decided that we needed to cook regardless of hunger.  There was a show coming on at 8:00 that I didn't want to miss.  In addition to the grilled steaks, I steamed some broccoli and made some cheese sauce.  It was a very tasty meal for virtually zero carbs.  65MD enjoyed it so much he's already requested the meal again.  He is a low carb convert!

If my start to this phase of the plan is any indication, I'll have more good news to share on August 1.

Transition Time

Over the weekend, I transitioned from the very low calorie hcg diet to low carb.  This always makes me a bit nervous.  As hard as it is physically & mentally to follow the hcg plan, there is some security there.  I know exactly what I can eat so most of the choices are gone.  I eat what is allowed and move on.  I generally know how my body will respond as well, which makes sticking to plan a little easier.

Over the last week, my losses had slowed down a lot which is a signal that it is time to move on.  I was glad that my body was responding appropriately and I was ready to eat some meat!! That is where the scary part creeps in.  The boundaries are looser.  I have more choices of what to eat and how much. 

The low carb plan is like Atkins in that all carbs are kept to a minimum, even good ones like fruit.  Unlike, Atkins amounts & calories still count.  So, eating a whole pound of bacon is not allowed. Still, I am fearful of piling in protein as if it is free food and undoing all my hard work the past four weeks.

So far, I've been enjoying more protein than the past for weeks, but my appetite has diminished so that I have not gone overboard.  I'm trying hard to listen to my body and respond to hunger and satiety without going into overfull.

Even though thoughts of brownies & ice cream dance in my head, they are still off limits.  As long as I continue to see them as 'not for me' and allow myself treats like almonds and walnuts, I think I'll make it.  Plus I have a wedding the last Saturday in July and I want to look good in the pictures!  Seeing another 0.4 lb slip off this morning helped as well.

I've got a death drip on this now.  I don't want to lose focus and gain weight.  I haven't got it in me to re-lose these pounds yet again.  They have got to be gone forever this time.

Embrace the Struggle

"Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last...

Those opening lines to Big Daddy Weave's "Redeemed" were running through my head yesterday morning as I read this from Jesus Calling:

"Thank Me for the very things that are troubling you...you are tempted to indulge in just a little complaining...the best protection against this indulgence is thanksgiving...Thanking Me for trials will feel awkward and contrived at first.  But if you persist, your thankful words, prayed in faith will eventually make a difference in your heart.  Thankfulness awakens you to My Presence, which overshadows your problems.

 Of course this was read with the struggle of weight loss on my mind.  Because it is.  Constantly.  It has been a struggle since I started in March, 2009.  There have been sweet spots of weight loss to be sure, but it hasn't been that way all along.  Obviously.  If I had a straight line down the scale, this blog would have a very different tone.  Besides, the fact that I would have achieved my goal weight a long time ago.

Nope.  Instead I struggled and I still do.

Somehow as I read those words and heard those lyrics in my head yesterday, it all made sense.  I had to struggle.  And as much as I hate to type this, the struggle isn't over.  The struggle is vital.  Without the struggle weight loss will never be permanent.  The struggle is required to rewire my brain.  To retrain my head and heart to think about food differently.  That isn't easy.

The struggle is also a necessity because of compassion.  If, five years ago, I skated down the scales without a hitch, I'd have little to no compassion for others walking this path.  Now, I look around me and see the others on this journey and my heart goes out to them.  I want to  help.  I want to share the lessons I've learned.  I know that every one's struggle is different; what helps me may or may not help another.  Still I am compelled to offer what I can.

As much as I want to help and share, I need to receive help from my fellow travelers.  That is probably the hardest part.  Maybe even harder than turning down some off limits food.  I don't like admitting that I need help.  We are all on this journey together.  I am no better and I am no worse than anyone else traveling this path.  We all have our own struggles. And together we will overcome the struggles.  Together we will get the healthy bodies we so desire.

Thanks for being my travel companion!