Generally, I blog about whatever is foremost on my mind. I don't do a lot of editing as in rewrites. I spellcheck and even proof read (I promise!) even though my blog entries have tons of spelling errors and wrong words. Sometimes I'll ponder a thought for a day or two before sitting down at the keyboard. That is the extent of my preparation. It is interesting to me to go back and skim through the blog entries and recall what prompted that thought, which has been another unexpected bonus.
My point is, blogging has been more like diary entries, rather than term papers in the level of writing, editing and rewriting is concerned. I tried to deviate from that last week. I've felt compelled for some time to tell the story of how I became fat. The only problem is, I didn't know. I had a feeling it was a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I thought I was fat, even though I wasn't and I made it come true. I didn't have any childhood trauma causing me to turn to food for comfort or anything like that, even though I recognized some time ago that I am an emotional eater.
Since I didn't know for sure, I started an entry that started with the day I was born weighing only 2 lbs, so as to demonstrate that I wasn't always fat. I mentioned childhood memories of being made to feel fat by my peers and even a few adults. I went back to edit and decided it was a huge bore and deleted the whole thing. If I couldn't stand to read it, how could I expect anyone else to!!
The second version started at adulthood because that is when the real weight battles began. I enumerated the ups and downs of my weight and the programs I did. It got deleted too, another major yawn-fest.
It was during the third version that I had an epiphany, thus sparing my readers the post, as I think they were getting worse with each successive rewrite! I realized that the times in my life when I had major weight gains were times of transition. The real biggie was when I got married and within a few months 65MD's children moved in with us. At that time, it as the biggest transition of my life. I married a little later in life, and had lived alone since college. In less than a year, there were three other people living in the same house as me. It was tough.
It also helped me to understand why I totally freaked out when his son moved back. (BTW, it hasn't been quite as hard as I thought it would be.) I am now armed with the knowledge that transitions are hard for me. I need to develop some coping skills for those times when transitions come.
Has anyone else experienced this? If so, I'd love some insight on how you handled things!
Lessons Learned
3 years ago
Well I have experienced the "self-fulfilling prophesy" - by thinking I was overweight and then it happened! On my wedding day, I thought I was awfully "fat" - and now my goal weight is my wedding-day weight!! How crazy is that?! Mine goes back to self-image - and childhood stuff, I think, and through having my own daughters and seeing them and what's "real" I have learned that I wasn't the fatty that I thought I was so many years ago. I hope that my DD's don't go through what I have. But then again, I didn't grow up with much/any encouragement in this area - and reassurance that I was made just as God made me (my sisters were on the petite side; I was "big like dad's side of the family" - and I grew up hearing that.) AND DH weighed less than I did on my wedding day - another horrible thing to me. Sooooo, I can imagine how difficult it would be to share your space when you're used to having your own space. I think I'd have a tough time w/ that also.
ReplyDeleteD
A very heartfelt post. I've thought a lot about you with the sudden addition of a new person in your household and wondered how you were coping. No words of wisdom except take it one bite at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteBTW, thanks for the award!
change scares most people, we prefer the misery we know to change even if it's positive (sad but true) i too hate change, when i switched jobs it was HORRIBLE for me. now in my head i know i can do anything but the uncertainty during the training period made me a wreck. to illustrate how silly it was i've been there 5 months and i got employee of the month (some folks have been there years and not gotten it) i'm glad it's easier/better than you thought it was gonna be............you too can do ANYTHING cause you are one tough/terrific/intelligent/dedicated/lovely/sweet/warrior woman! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI so struggle with change ~ good or bad. I especially struggled when the kids left home. I had even prepared myself for it, but when it happened, I still struggled for about 2 years. Then one day, I decided to pick myself up and get moving with my life. Started taking classes, going to new places etc. Before I knew it, I was on to the next phase of my life. Having a BLAST now!
ReplyDeleteKeep focused!