Saturday Scale Says

This morning the scale said 177.6.  See, I said it was embarrassing.  I've got 13 pounds to go to get to the lowest weight this summer.  I'll get there soon enough.

My body is responding amazingly well to the hcg. It is a bit of a surprise to me because I had begun to think that I'd worn out its usefulness and would not see results this time as I had before.  So far, my results are just as good if not better.  Go figure!  I'm glad for it regardless.


I'd planned to do this for three weeks.  That leaves two weeks, but there are three before Thanksgiving.  If I'm still dropping those pounds as quickly, I'll do the fourth week. 


Now I'm off to get our trunk ready for Trunk or Treat & Fall Fest tomorrow.

A Little Happy

I'm starting day four of the low calorie portion of hcg today. Mostly that means that I am peeing a river and thinking about strange foods that would never enter my consciousness otherwise. I'm rewarded by seeing the scale move down though. I know if I continue to pee and fight the brain battle, the scales will continue to slip right on down. Soon enough, I'll start noticing that my clothes are getting loose and that's the part I like.




Right now though, I am an embarrassingly long way from my low weight this summer, and my clothes are tight. In the morning, I look for the skirt that is the biggest or has elastic in the waist. That's OK. I knew that would be the case, and I prepared myself to deal with it mentally. I knew I'd have to hang in there and be strong for longer than typical to get to the fun part. This is probably the biggest reason that I delayed, to prepare myself mentally for the challenge.



Imagine my surprise then last night when 65MD asked if I'd noticed any changes yet. I told him that I hadn't and I wasn't really expecting to just yet. Then I asked him if he had noticed any changes. He said "yes" which totally astonished me. I didn't push it though, by asking what the changes were. I was afraid he'd say something weird like my eyes looked clearer. I knew I'd enjoy the compliment more if I made up the rest. I was right, I am. I've been thinking about it ever since.



I love those little unexpected rays of sunshine that peep through every now and then. They really keep me going.

I Feel Good

I feel good this morning. It is because I have taken control back. I know that the days ahead won't be easy. Yesterday wasn't, but it will be worth it. Yesterday, images of foods that are currently off limits, danced in my head. I shut them down by reminding myself that I opted not to eat those things when I could on the 'binge' days, so I really didn't want them now either. The mind is a funny thing.




Once the weight starts dropping off, that will be its own reward and it will get easier. For now, I will remember how good the feeling of control is. I will think about how much better my body feels from just 24 hours ago. The floppiness is going away and that hot little body inside is emerging. OK...the smaller, more toned body is emerging. At any rate, I'm on my way. That is the important part.

Bad Karma???

During the first 48 hours on hcg the food plan is to "gorge."  Yes, that word is actually used.  The first couple of times I started a round of hcg, I would indeed pig out.  I'd go to the grocery store the day before and lay in supplies.  I'd get all sorts of decadent treats that I'd been denying myself and eat myself sick for two days.


Then I almost dreaded these days.  I felt almost obligated to eat candy and ice cream since they were soon to be forbidden.   But I am much more judicious now.  I'll think about a couple of things that I really, really want and have those things.


It worked out that this time a sweet friend from church is headed to Florida for the winter soon, so she asked us to go out to one of her favorite restaurants after church as a little farewell.  I thought this would work out well as one of my treats for the gorge season.  I ordered a BBQ chicken breast and added a salad and dessert for $2.99.  What a deal!


They brought out my salad first and I ate as the rest of the table chatted amicably.  Suddenly, I bit down on what I thought was an incredibly hard crouton, but realized almost as quickly that wasn't true.  I managed to discretely slip the hard object from my mouth only to discover it was a bit of porcelain!  My gasp got 65MD's attention and I handed him the bit.  I had my mouth full of salad but was afraid to swallow.  I could feel a bit of grit in my teeth.  He flagged down the nearest server, who quickly got the manager.  Now every one at the table knew what was going on.  I spat the bite of salad in to the napkin, and tried my best to rub the remaining grit from my teeth.


The manager of course was hugely apologetic and promptly brought out a fresh salad for me.  He comped my meal and dessert, and was all over himself with concern for my teeth and gums.  I assured him that I was OK, and had no serious injury.  I understood that stuff happens, and not to worry.  He had to complete an accident report and someone from the corporate office is supposed to call me this week.


Then our food came out.  My order was wrong.  It was totally the wrong dish!  Well, maybe not totally, it was a chicken dish.  I was embarrassed to send it back after causing such a scene earlier, but this was my one indulgence, and I had thought it through before ordering.  Once again the manager was back at our table apologizing.  There wasn't much more he could do since my meal was already comped.  (Oddly, I had to pay for my tea.)  The young lady serving us was as sweet and attentive as she could be.  We left an extra large tip for her since she was a victim of circumstance too.

I hope now that life is finished messing with me for a while.  I'd really like to get back to my regular boring life, please.  It was a strange and embarrassing experience to say the least.  I've had enough of those for a while, thank you.

Back at It

I am finally feeling like my old self, probably better.  It is a good thing because the last 7 days have been a whirlwind.  I am so thankful that I had the stamina to see it through.


From now until the end of the year it will be a mad dash to the finish line at work.  The third quarter is our busiest time of year for donations, which isn't a bad thing!  It is, however, a busy thing.  I realized that getting back on the hcg will help because I won't have to worry about what to it.  I've done it so many times now, that I don't have to fret over the plan.  I know it.  I know what works for me, so all I have to do is just do it.


The downside is that the plan is so restrictive, that I cannot realistically expect to be able to comply with it during Thanksgiving or any of the Christmas parties on the horizon.  I do have four weeks before Thanksgiving and I can easily whittle of the regain between now and then.  So I am.  I started back on the hcg today.


I am hoping to end the year at 163 or less.  That was my lowest weight this summer.  At the beginning of the year, when the rest of the world is making resolutions to lose weight, I'll zip on down to my goal.


It feels good to be back.  Thanks for all the encouragement when I was not myself.  I have the best readers ever!

The Next Step

I drank 100 ounces of water again yesterday. I think I'm back on track with that. I won't say absolutely because it is getting chilly here and it is harder to drink that much water when I'm cold. That, and the fact that as soon as I say something is no longer an issue on this blog, it suddenly becomes one again. LOL!




Anyway, I feel like I'm ready for my next baby step. My plan is to do 20 minutes on the stair stepper three times next week. That will be a challenge since I already have a couple of commitments in the evening next week. I don't know if I will have the stamina to work all day, keep my evening commitments those days and exercise as well. If I make it, great. I'll plan to go it again next week. If I don't make it, I'll celebrate the days that I did, and make it my plan to get in all three days the next week. I'm trying hard to give myself plenty of latitude and no negative messages if I don't make it.



In the meantime, while I'm not following a particular plan with regard to eating, I am trying to keep it low carb, and moderate portions. I am just not mentally prepared to weigh & measure food, keep journals, or stuff like that. I'm hoping as I put the baby steps together in other healthy living areas, the mental energy (read desire) to eat better will come. I think it will. Maybe not in one or two weeks, but it will return. I know better than to push it and set myself up for disappointment. I'll get there, sooner or later, I'll get there.

Baby Steps

I drank 100 ounces of water yesterday and today!  It is a small step, but it is in the right direction.  I'm hoping this will serve as the mental breakthrough I've been needing.  Drinking 100 ounces of water used to be second nature to me.  I got thirsty if I didn't drink enough.  But I haven't had that much water since September 13, almost a month.

 

On September 14, 65MD and I had an early flight to Charleston, connecting through Baltimore (go figure!), I decided not to drink anything because I didn't want to have to use the facilities on the plane and I certainly didn't want to be rushing around an airport looking for a ladies' room with a full bladder.  I thought I'd get right back on the band wagon as soon as we returned.  I had no expectation of drinking that much water while doing the tourist stuff. I did drink water & tea, just not copious amounts of it as had been my custom.

 

Of course, when I came home with e-coli, water was the least of my worries.  Once I got out of the hospital and tried to return to my typical routine, I was shocked that I couldn't drink much water at all.  It didn't taste good, and I just plain didn't want it.  That was a bit stunning for me.  On top of everything else I'd been through, I just could not drink water.

 

Now, I have broken through that barrier.  I believe I can keep drinking plenty of water and soon it will no longer be an issue.  I'll build on that success and hopefully decide soon what eating plan to use - another baby step.  But the size of the step doesn't matter, as long as it is in the right direction and continues to be.

My Heart Isn't in It

I'm trying but I'm really not making any progress. My heart just isn't it in.  I don't have that spark of determination.  I did not start back on the hcg because of my lack of desire.  I didn't want to waste it, my time or my energy.  If I tried and was unsuccessful, I'd probably just implode.

 

But this lethargy related to weight loss, has got to go.  I don't like it one bit.  I'm trying to fake it until I make it.  So far I much more faking it than making it.  I don't think I'm faking it very well either. 

 

 

I'm tired.  I know a large part of the exhaustion is the long recovery from e-coli.  I've heard that it will last at least a month.  I'm taking probiotics. I know that healthy eating will only help the process, but I just can't quite make it happen.  I am determined, however not to use the illness as a reason (excuse).  It will only become easier to rely on that way of thinking, if I do.

 

Don't misunderstand, I'm not pigging out on candy and ice cream.  I'm just not counting anything.  I'm not counting carbs, calories, portions or anything else.  As a result, I'm eating too much and not making the best choices.  Mentally, it would be easier to do the hcg because so many of the options are taken away.  Somehow, I just can't seem to work up the 'want to.' 

 

That's my problem.  I just don't want to bad enough right now.  I am fearful of regaining so that is keeping me somewhat under control and away from the candy.  That, and my body feels floppy.  Eventually, I'll reach a critical mass, and the importance of weight loss will out weigh the lethargy and apathy.  I'll be back and then - lookout, baby!!

Yet Another Absence

I thought I would spend some time in blog world while we were away, but obviously I did not.  When we got to our room we realized that the WiFi was only in the lobby and only on their equipment.  That may have been as secure as possible, but it didn't seem so to me so I opted out.

As a result, I am behind on my reading, and I am quite rested.  I slept until I woke up and then went down for a nice high protein breakfast.  There was an exercise room and so I did a nice slow 20 minutes on the recumbent bike a few times.  Once I had to walk on the treadmill because the bike was busy.  I spent a lot of time laying by the pool and a little time in the pool.  I took naps and generally did what ever seemed like a good idea at the time.  It was just the trip I needed.

One thing I really thought would happen however did not.  I thought that being away from schedules, appointments, 'to do' lists, and the like would give me a real opportunity to focus on my life style and I'd come back with a plan, eager to carry it out.  I did have one very strong desire to change one aspect of my life but that is not at all related to food and exercise  so I won't delve in to it.

Instead, I came back lax and unfocused as to what I want to do with my eating choices.  I know what to do, and what foods to choose to be healthy and strong.  Some how I don't believe that equals weight loss, not for me.  I think I need stricter parameters rather than "whole foods" or "low carb" or whatever label I give it.  I know myself well enough to know that I'll push the limits.  Soon enough, I'll be eating too much of the 'good' stuff whatever that is and my weight loss will stall out.

I have the option of hcg although I'm getting a 'been there, done that' sort of vibe.  There are 6 weeks between now and Thanksgiving.  I could be almost to my goal if I did that.  It is tempting, but I fear that won't work either because of the vibes.  I've been cycling through that for a couple of years now.  My body just maybe has done all it can do with the hcg.  Of course, I won't know until I try.

I don't want to waste any more time, but I feel so lost.  I told myself at the beginning of this whole thing that I was not going to get tied up in the numbers, particularly the one on the scale.  I promised myself that I would not consider myself a failure if I didn't reach that magic number.  So, even though I am still overweight and at the high end of overweight at that, I am reminding myself how far I've come.  I'm telling myself that I am successful even if I don't lose another ounce. 

I'm beginning to believe it, but honestly I don't want to stay at this weight.  I want to move down the scales, but I know that I have got to have my head in the game.  Once I get my mental focus back the rest is easy.  The hardest part for me is getting my mind in focus.  If I don't do that, nothing will work.

Saturday Scale Says

This morning I woke up feeling great.  I felt like all of the health issues of the past weeks were behind me.  I got on the scales and it read 174.6, which is up 1.4 from my last report.


Even though I wish I could have reaped a weight loss benefit of being sick, that have never been the case for me.  I can get a digestive ailment that leaves my body completely empty and still gain weight.  To have my weight remain so close is a victory for me.


I had a list of last minute errands to run before leaving town and chores to do around the house.  I got two of the errands done before I had to come home and crash.  It was just the little proof that I needed to remind myself that I'm not invincible.  It takes me time to heal just like everyone else in the world.  That's OK. I will be better when the time is right.


We're taking the laptop to Tampa so I'll be checking in during the week while I continue to recuperate and contemplate how to get this last 30 pounds gone for good.