This morning I had a true test of my new attitude. The scales were up one pound, bringing my weight to 175.6. That is back in obesity by 0.1 lbs, or 1.6 ounces. Not much, by any one's standards, even mine. I probably could have trimmed my fingernails and slipped back down. But since I am working to develop the notion that something is good or even great even if it is less than 100% I wrote down my weight and went on.
I've decided that I am something beyond a perfectionist. Somehow 100% to me seems like average. Somehow I have to be just a little bit better than the best. I'm beginning to wonder how anyone can stand to be around me. Not that I hold others to that standard - not at all - they couldn't quite do it anyway. That's the attitude that I wonder how people can stand. I'm not being gracious to others and harder on my self. I just think that others aren't quite as good as me! I really just had that epiphany as I was typing this out. Who do I think I am? Good grief!!! I apologize to all my friends. I am so sorry for thinking that I am better than you, even if it was on a subconscious level.
Back to my original thoughts...My idea that I had to be a little bit better than expectations spilled over in to weight loss this way. If for instance, I was counting calories and allowed myself 1200. I tried to only eat 900. Part of it was a legitimate fear that I'd miscalculate and go over without really realizing it. The other, and larger part, was the thought that if eating only 1200 calories is good, eating even less is better. Then it became that eating 1200 calories was failure. Counting carbs, the same thing. Whatever the plan was, I 'improved' it for me!
This week, I set a goal to workout 3 days a week. I've worked out 4. I was mentally patting myself on the back for exceeding my goal, when I began to recognize this issue. I'm eating far less than any weight loss program requires and exercising more. I think I'm starving my body and it is holding on to everything it can.
So beginning today, right here, right now. I am going to eat at least 1200 calories per day. Sparkpeople recommends 1200 to 1550 for my weight and the amount of weight I need to lose, so I feel like that is reasonable. I will follow the workout schedule outlined there as well as much as I possibly can. I don't have all of the equipment required, so I'll have to do some modification, but I will not do even 5 minutes extra to make myself feel like I'm better than the rest of the masses that use sparkpeople.
Right now I have two very strong feelings. One is fear. I am scared to death of failure. What if I eat 1200 calories and gain weight? What if I eat something that triggers a binge? What if I miscalculate and go over 1550? I bought some agave nectar over the weekend to use in my tea. So far, I haven't used it because I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of losing control. Maybe that is exactly what I need to do; fail and recognize that I'm not all that. Fail and recognize that the world keeps turning in spite of me. I'm just human.
I remember how freeing it was to be at my sister's house a couple of weeks ago and not be in control of the food. I am the one imposing these horrible standards on myself, which only induce failure. Who could hold to these impossible standards all the time? Not even me - superwoman. I am the only one that can lay those burdens aside and adopt a more realistic approach to life. That is what I am going to do.
I am also very humble and contrite. I can't believe I was so blind to my own self arrogance. Once again I apologize. And I thank my friends for sticking with me.
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