This morning I had a true test of my new attitude. The scales were up one pound, bringing my weight to 175.6. That is back in obesity by 0.1 lbs, or 1.6 ounces. Not much, by any one's standards, even mine. I probably could have trimmed my fingernails and slipped back down. But since I am working to develop the notion that something is good or even great even if it is less than 100% I wrote down my weight and went on.
I've decided that I am something beyond a perfectionist. Somehow 100% to me seems like average. Somehow I have to be just a little bit better than the best. I'm beginning to wonder how anyone can stand to be around me. Not that I hold others to that standard - not at all - they couldn't quite do it anyway. That's the attitude that I wonder how people can stand. I'm not being gracious to others and harder on my self. I just think that others aren't quite as good as me! I really just had that epiphany as I was typing this out. Who do I think I am? Good grief!!! I apologize to all my friends. I am so sorry for thinking that I am better than you, even if it was on a subconscious level.
Back to my original thoughts...My idea that I had to be a little bit better than expectations spilled over in to weight loss this way. If for instance, I was counting calories and allowed myself 1200. I tried to only eat 900. Part of it was a legitimate fear that I'd miscalculate and go over without really realizing it. The other, and larger part, was the thought that if eating only 1200 calories is good, eating even less is better. Then it became that eating 1200 calories was failure. Counting carbs, the same thing. Whatever the plan was, I 'improved' it for me!
This week, I set a goal to workout 3 days a week. I've worked out 4. I was mentally patting myself on the back for exceeding my goal, when I began to recognize this issue. I'm eating far less than any weight loss program requires and exercising more. I think I'm starving my body and it is holding on to everything it can.
So beginning today, right here, right now. I am going to eat at least 1200 calories per day. Sparkpeople recommends 1200 to 1550 for my weight and the amount of weight I need to lose, so I feel like that is reasonable. I will follow the workout schedule outlined there as well as much as I possibly can. I don't have all of the equipment required, so I'll have to do some modification, but I will not do even 5 minutes extra to make myself feel like I'm better than the rest of the masses that use sparkpeople.
Right now I have two very strong feelings. One is fear. I am scared to death of failure. What if I eat 1200 calories and gain weight? What if I eat something that triggers a binge? What if I miscalculate and go over 1550? I bought some agave nectar over the weekend to use in my tea. So far, I haven't used it because I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of losing control. Maybe that is exactly what I need to do; fail and recognize that I'm not all that. Fail and recognize that the world keeps turning in spite of me. I'm just human.
I remember how freeing it was to be at my sister's house a couple of weeks ago and not be in control of the food. I am the one imposing these horrible standards on myself, which only induce failure. Who could hold to these impossible standards all the time? Not even me - superwoman. I am the only one that can lay those burdens aside and adopt a more realistic approach to life. That is what I am going to do.
I am also very humble and contrite. I can't believe I was so blind to my own self arrogance. Once again I apologize. And I thank my friends for sticking with me.
I'm scared!
Lessons Learned
3 years ago
This whole journey is about overcoming...overcoming the weight and overcoming our fears associated with it. I have had my shares of breakdowns along the way, but as long as you keep facing your fears and learning from them, you will get past them to your victory. Sounds like you are in a growing phase, and that is great!
ReplyDeleteWow that was really honest!
ReplyDeleteI think awareness is just the beginning. Now you have the chance to change what you want to.
All of this worry isn't going to be helpful to you at all. Believe that you can do this. Start giving yourself positive affirmations and thinking about the good possibilities instead of all the negative ones!
If you believed you could succeed how would that change what you are doing?
I can be similar to this too! I set these standards for myself and set myelf up for failure. Not this time. I too recognized it. And I am working on it too. I dont think I am better than anyone, I just always push myself to get the most out of everything. I realized that it doesnt always work that way! I cant always be in control! Good for you for recognizing it. I gained this week(grrrr) and I am pretty mad at the scale. I dont think I deserved 3 whole lbs. Today was probably one of the first posts I put on there when I was anything but happy!!! But this too will pass.
ReplyDeleteJennifer
http://wecanlosethepounds.blogspot.com/
Thank you all so much. I knew my readers would understand and support me.
ReplyDeleteTami - I've been working on the positive affirmation thing. This whole perfectionistic attitude leads me to thoughts about how stupid I am if I make one little mistake. I've been trying, with some success I believe, to reframe those things as learning experiences, or to put them in to their proper perspective. One error doesn't negate the hundreds of things done correctly. And it sure doesn't make me an idiot. I'll try to apply that same thing to weight loss.
Whew...it is funny the things that come up when all you want to do is lose weight...all this stuff is so intertwined!
Hang in there. Trust yourself and your plan. I find that I'm always tweaking things and trying to get better results. If something does not work, go back to what you know works. You'll figure it out!! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteWhat an incredibly honest post and didn't it feel good? It's almost as if the feelings flow out of our bodies through our fingers. You are going to make it to your goal and my goodness, think of all the things you will have learned about yourself. It really isn't just about a number on a scale, is it???
ReplyDeleteSharon,
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. The feelings just bubbled up as I typed. As hard as it was, I felt unburdened when it was over. I thought how much better my life was going to be overall once I let go of this unrealistic perfectionism.