Another Dose of Reality

Today was yoga day with the P90X program.  This is the one last week that nearly broke me.  I literally had tears burning in my eyes.  I felt all the humiliation of those days in PE and gym during school, and I was alone in my living room. 

I gave myself a lot of positive self talk before beginning the DVD today.  I told myself it was OK not to do everything.  I told myself only I knew if I was giving it my best and my best was all I could do.  I reminded myself that the people on the DVD had been doing this for ages and that only the best would be included.  I tried very hard to only say positive things to myself and I think I was successful in that. 

Never once did I think about skipping it.  I knew better.  I knew that if I skipped it, I'd probably never go back and try again.  I knew that even another 'bad' session would be better than skipping.

I really don't know how to label today's workout.  I don't want to call it 'bad' because of the negative connotations that brings.  It was certainly better than the last time but far from good.  I only fell over once.  I still could not do all of the poses nor could I hold all of them for the entire time. 

I am concentrating on the fact that I was better.  I know that inside.  I know that I gave it my all and that is all anyone can do.  I know that a week is not nearly long enough to perfect these poses.  Some people do this for years before getting in to some of the more difficult poses.  I'm good with where I am now.

This is huge for a perfectionist like me.  I'm stunned.  I'm stunned on two levels.  One that I haven't quit because I'm not perfect and two that I'm totally OK with improvement rather than perfection.  Last night, I was thinking, in a very realistic way, of where I might be when this 90 days was over.  As I thought, I began to think about the next session and how much better I'd be then.

This is not me.  Or this has not been me in the past.  The old me would have been marking the days off and thinking only this many more.  And I need to lose x lbs per day between now and then, setting unrealistic expectations. Now I think I'm managing my expectations much better and I sort of like me better this way.  As I said yesterday, I have to live inside of me, and it is so much happier inside of me now.  It is a good place to be.