Monday Mileage, Measurements and Meltdown

As of today, I have 771 miles towards the 1000 mile challenge for the year.  I think by the end of the year I'll have well over 900 but maybe not 1000.  I'll keep the challenge going for myself until I hit 1000, maybe in January.  None of my colleagues appear to be on track to get the full 1000 in either.  I'm taking some comfort in that.  I know that we all gave it our best shot.  We knew from the beginning that it would be tough.  That's why it was a challenge.

Yesterday marked the end of the first four weeks of P90X.  I have lost  2 pounds and 2.25 inches.  I'm disappointed to say the least.  It started out well.  After 10 days I had lost 5 pounds.  Then on day 11, I had a bit of an uptick.  I knew the initial rate of loss was not sustainable, so I didn't get concerned about a small change.  What I did not anticipate was the continued yo-yoing and then the sudden two pound gain over the weekend.  That continues to be distressing to me.  I'm doing my best to hang in there and keep doing what I know to be right but to be honest it is just plain hard.

As I was getting dressed for church yesterday, I got out a top I hadn't worn in quite some time.  We're having a bit of a cold snap so I got something more suitable for the cooler temps. When I put it on, it was snug.  That was just the last straw for me.  Even though it wasn't really too little, it had not been that tight on me last time I wore it.  I jerked the top off and flung it on the chair, and burst into tears.  I'm talking making noise sobbing.

Of course 65MD was in the room and did his best to console me.  Somehow that made the whole thing worse.  I was furious with myself for allowing such a horrible regain and then embarrassed by my temper tantrum.  This was a fit that any three year old would have envied.  Then there was 65MD, all calm and steady telling me that everything was OK, telling me that it didn't matter if that blouse was tight, telling me that no one cared what the number on the scales said.  It didn't matter to me then.  All that mattered was that I had no control over my body.

I controlled everything I could.  I controlled the eating and the exercise, but I could not control how my body responded.  I could not control the scale or the tape measure and that just made me mad.  That ire gushed out of me in a horrid rush.

I'm still not happy about how my body is responding, but I'm over (for now) the fury.  I feel drained and empty now.  But, I stayed in charge of my eating yesterday, even at our Fall Fest surrounded by candy, cotton candy, popcorn, hot dogs, etc.  I am continuing to forge ahead eating and exercising.  Once day, eventually, I'll have better news to report.

Here is the only shot where I can see any difference at all.

I could be fooling myself but the top picture is 'before' and it seems like my belly isn't quite as big in the one below.  I welcome any comments, just don't be mean.  My fragile esteem can't take that right now.